10 Things That Can Destroy A Marriage


So we’re doing a top 10 countdown today.
The 10 things that can destroy a marriage. Some of these might surprise
you. Okay, folks by popular demand, the top 10 things that can destroy a marriage.
Coming in at number 10, leaving the toilet seat up. Now I’m joking about that
a little bit but what I’m getting at here is an insensitivity to requests and
preferences that your spouse has. These are important you can pay attention to.
Coming in at number 9, being a fun sucker. Being a fun sucker, what does that
mean? It means you suck the fun out of everything.
Sometimes we take ourselves way too seriously and that’s not good for your
marriage, we need to be having some fun. You know what, this is going to shock
some people but sometimes we get so caught up on all of the should’s, it’s
like we’re shooting all over ourselves like we focused so much on what we
should do or what we must do. Sometimes I call that one muster baiting, that’s the
shocking part of this whole video but really, can we lighten up a little bit
and get away from all of the should’s and the must’s and just have some fun? That
brings us to number 8, laziness. Just not being willing to step up and do your
part, it tends to kill a relationship and I want to include in this, a lack of
appreciation because laziness sometimes comes coupled with disconnect from what
other people are doing to take care of all of the tasks and the work that needs
to be done in a relationship. Number seven being mean. You know, I used
to do child custody evaluations for the court and I interviewed and tested a
whole lot of kids and there was this little
sentence completion assessment that I would do with these kids where I’d say
the first part of a sentence and then they would fill it in and one of these
questions was to make friends you have to..? Now what came to your mind? 90
plus percent of these kids all answered that question exactly the same. You have
to be nice. Being mean destroys relationships, tune in to that. Next in
our countdown number six. Choose hate. You got a choice.
I’ve talked about this in some other videos, it’s going to be either a love
choice or a hate choice and I don’t think that there’s a neutral option.
Choose hate, it destroys a relationship quicker than anything you can imagine
and to get clear about that there are some steps for choosing hate. Step number
one, assume the worst about that perso. You don’t know what their intentions are
but to choose hate, you have to really focus on what’s going wrong and assume
the worst about that person. Step number two, practice pride. You know that you’re
right digging your heels and keep that position and don’t yield from it, you
know that you’re right. Step number three, choose hate. Use that creative mind of
yours to come up with ways to retaliate and hurt and punish and destroy because
your mind has the ability to do that, it’s a great way to destroy a
relationship. As we continue our countdown, number five, disrespect. This is
where you treat people like possessions and you use things to manipulate people.
You got it? Disrespect is one of those top ten
things that can destroy a marriage. That leads us to the next one. Number four,
form and hold grievances. This is where you dig up the
past, okay. Go back to all of those things that happened way back when and pull
them back into the future so that you can use them to beat up and diminish
this relationship. How’s that sounding? And if you’re not sure how to hold a
grievance, there’s four steps to that too. Number one, you get hurt. That’s going to
happen because every relationship implies some level of hurt. Have you
noticed? Step number two, you over personalize the offense. Step number
three, you blame someone or something else for how you feel and step number
four, you create and retell a victim story about how you got hurt
and you spread it around social media and you just revel in that. We’re down to
the top three. This is getting really good now. Number three, being right. Now
check in with this for a minute because we know that we’re right. We
don’t think we’re right, we know we’re right and that position has us treating
each other terribly. We can practice this right now because as you’re listening to
this video, as you’re checking in with the top 10 ways to destroy a marriage,
notice how many of the things on this list your spouse is doing, right? And you
know you’re right about this, you know that they’re the problem, you know that
they’ve already done 10 through 4 and we’re on number 3 now, you know you’re
right about this. I’m not going to argue with you about that because you probably
are right about this and it’s tempting to think you know what, if my spouse
would just shape up, things would go a whole lot better for us in this
relationship and you’re right, things would be better, that’s a problem. Dr.
John Gottman shared some research about how roughly 70% of the problems in a
relationship are unresolvable but he found that this was true of happy
well-adjusted stable satisfied couples as well as the miserable
highly conflicted headed for divorce couples, there was no difference in the
number of unresolvable problems. What’s the difference? It’s in the way that they
handle or approach those problems and I can tell you that being right is one of
the main problems that we encounter in a relationship because of the position
that it puts us in relative to our spouse. When you think that your spouse
is the problem, that’s the problem, it’s you’re thinking about it and you know
that you’re right. That’s why it’s number three. Moving up on our list to number
two. I’m going to summarize number two as being profanity and you might wonder
what, no, what do you mean? Swearing? Well yeah, that might be part of it.
Profanity is where we take something that should be sacred and we make it
profane so this includes a lot of different things and it includes our
thoughts and our behaviors. What about addiction, criminal behavior,
swearing, infidelity? The list goes on. I’m talking profanity in a very general
sense to include all of those things that diminish or profane the
relationship. This also includes a detachment from morals and values that
should be at the foundation of that marriage and if they’re not, well that’s
why it made the list. That brings us to number one. Number one on our list
negativity. It’s taking a position by choice that this marriage is bad,
thinking that your marriage is bad is one of the leading causes of creating
that very outcome. We get to choose how we evaluate and judge and this is going to
sound like a paradox, okay. I actually learned this at the bank. I took my son
there to get a loan for his first car, he had
no work history, he had no credit at this point, okay. He’s just a young guy who
wants a car so I take him down to get him signed up for a loan, three thousand
dollars for an old used car, we sit down with the loan officer, she looks over his
stuff, she’s entering his information on the computer and she gets this dark look
on her face as she looks at my son and says, I’m really sorry, you don’t qualify
for this loan. Well big surprise, right? We knew that he wasn’t going to qualify so I
throw my hat in the ring, I’m like, hey, how about if I sign on that that note
and I’ll just be the cosigner and you can lend it to both of us? She’s like, oh,
yeah, that’d be awesome and so she starts entering my information, she gets an even
darker look on her face, she looks back at me and she says, sir, that makes it
worse. Okay, didn’t surprise me because I had
been through a bankruptcy sometime before that and I knew that I didn’t
qualify either. That’s a whole other story
but I was kind of playing with her because at that point I produced from my
own pocket $3,000 the amount of the loan we were asking for, I put it on the desk
and slide it over to her and I say how about I lend you the three grand, you
give the loan to my son, let me co-sign on the loan, how’s that sound to you? That
way we both get to build our credit, my son gets the car, everybody’s happy, right?
She lights up, she’s like, oh yeah, that would be awesome,
we can give you good rates on that. Oh, thank you for the good rates on my own
money, right, but this is how banks think, here’s what I learned, you can get the
loan when you prove you don’t need the money, that’s a paradox and it’s true in
the world of finance.Here’s how it shows up in a relationship.. You can have the
upgrade because we all know that this marriage could be better, right? Honestly
when is that going to stop being true because I don’t care how well you’re
doing, it can always be better, right? It could always be worse too. Number one on
our list is negativity because when you take a position
about where your relationship is right now, if you say this is bad, you are more
likely to create that bad. Can you get an improvement? Yes and you’re more likely
to get that improvement when you realize that you don’t need it, that your
marriage is good. Think about how this is going to impact your spouse for you to
take that position. Are they more likely to work with you or against you when you
think that this is good? You see there’s a lot of psychology in that. Though we’ve
talked about in some of the other videos here, there you have it, the top 10 things
that can destroy your marriage. It’s good to know about all those things that can
destroy a marriage, we’re doing some other videos that help you to really
enhance that marriage so stay tuned.

About the author

Comments

  1. Great observations!
    Unfortunately most of these are Cluster b characteristics.
    No wonder there is no hope for a meaningful relationship with them.
    Cud u make a video on cluster b- relationships too?

  2. Is there a way to make a spouse to start working to improve a relationship? I can’t seem to make her watch your videos and know how important hard work/willingness to improve our relationship is. To stop assuming the worse about each other. Having expectations instead of just asking for help.

  3. Im glad im watching this. We are fine but I did n still doing almost all those 10… its hard i dont even realise i did it… thanks for making this video.

  4. You were really getting into those! I could practically see Darth Sidious sitting in the front row, nodding his head, taking detailed notes.

  5. Dr Jenkins thank you for all the great advice!
    It would be great if you could shed some light into how to deal with a husband who’s lazy, who won’t get a job and doesn’t appreciate how much his wife does?
    I feel taken advantage of and feel manipulated by him. (He gets mad when I ask him to get a job). What am I doing wrong?

  6. Where is the ❤️ button for this one? This marriage has successfully broken all of them, multiple times. The lying and infidelity against me was icing on the cake!

  7. I think my ex thinks in these ways. I learned something, oh ho! I'm going to be positive every time I see him no matter how he acts and keeps thinking it's going to go well (or good.) You can apply this kind of thinkingto everyone I bet!

  8. Here's one thing that can destroy a marriage-discussing the past. One might b about for example, how a woman I enjoyed meeting way back, I used to hug her a lot. I'm n a relationship. My girlfriend better not find out from any of my relatives before or after we wed! I don't want the past to interfere with my future! I've yet to propose to her, but it may take a lot longer b4 I pop the question.

  9. What can I do to work on these things? I realize my issues but now I'm in need of ways and ideas to work on this stuff and be better.

  10. Thanks for your video. Ever since I discovered your channel. I have been watching many of your videos, they are all practical and useful. I also like to read your intelligent and insightful answers to the comments. Which I learned a lot. Out of your 10 things to avoid. The one "profanity" is the hardest one for me to understand. Could you please explain a little bit more on that. THANKS.

  11. Thank you very much sir But your English Word is very hard Will you use easy English thank you again

  12. I need advice. When I first met my spouse he was happy, easy going, level headed. Over the last year he has become so easily angered and takes it out on us. I wrote down the maturity chart so I could study it and after much studying have found my spouse to be at a level one maturity level. He’s 31! Idk how to help him or if I even can. I have asked myself what I control in the relationship…but what do I control? Having sex? Communication? Help!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *