12 Week Marriage Saving System & Online Marriage Counseling Services | Paul Friedman

Hello, I’m Paul Friedman founder of The
Marriage Foundation and in this video and it may take more than one. I’m going
to show you how I got to where we are today with our system for helping
marriages. This is the long version. If you want a short version there’s another
video that I already put together for you. You could take advantage of that but
in this one I’m going to give you a lot of insight into how I got there, and the
logic behind it, and why it works. Now, I started out in the marriage business not
as a marriage healer but as a divorce mediator. I used to believe in divorce. I
thought it was the right thing to do even though, and I got all of my
referrals virtually, I got some from other couples who referred me. But I got
all of my referrals from therapists, from marriage counselors who had failed their
couple. The couple was not able to recapture their marriage they sent them
to me. I was in a number of Rolodex’s because I did a great job. What happened
was, a couple came to me and they said, “We don’t know what else to do
so we’re getting a divorce.” And I thought, “Well, let me look into this. You know I’m
a great communication coach, let’s see if we can’t help you stay married.”
So I began the process of developing first of all some insight into how. And
my very first question that I asked myself was why do people get married in
the first place, and the answer kind of surprised me because I had been married
before and I was divorced and I wanted to know why didn’t I ask myself this
question. The question is, why do people get married in the first place? Now, most
people when I asked that didn’t just sort of to test the waters
with other people hadn’t taken marriage saving as a business seriously at that
point. Most people say, “Well, she was the best woman I’d ever come across.” Or, “He
was the love of my life, I felt so connected.” Well, that’s fine but that’s
not really a reason and nobody was able to really answer it so I had to dig deep
and I had to ask that question, and you should be asking that question too.
Why did I get married in the first place? And I’ll tell you why, and it’s so
crazily simple, you’re gonna think, “Duh!” Because you
wanted to be happy, right? Everyone gets married for the purpose of happiness.
Okay, I found somebody with this person I’m gonna be happy. Yeah, so
what creates happiness? And I thought about the typical having a good family,
having nice communication, having harmony, a pleasant living environment. No, cuz all
of those can get changed up in a heartbeat, a car crash to make one of you
an invalid. There’s so many things that could interfere with these what turned
out to be transient, transient creators of happiness. But there is one form of
happiness that is not transient, right? That is always going to make you happy
no matter, what no matter who you are, no matter what you’re going through,
etc. And you know what that is? It’s love, but let’s take it a step further because
love is such an easy word these days to confuse with other words you know “I love
that dress” is not love. I love this house is not love. Those are heightened
expressions of liking something of feeling and attraction to them. Love is
different. Now, love is centered in your heart,
you know, when you feel deep love you don’t feel it here. You feel it here in
your heart, don’t you? Well, it starts to tie together for me I start going, “Well,
that’s your soul. What you’re describing now is your soul.” Aha, soulmates.
Duh? So we get married, here it is. We get married in order to be happy by
achieving love, right? Okay, really simple, really simple. What helps love, what
inspires love, what takes away from love, right? So literally the first marriage
training that I gave to my very first couple who wanted to stay together and
are still together now. I broke it down that simply. I went what to do, what not
to do, and why. All for the purpose of achieving love, of growing love. And then
what I did was I recognized marriage as a unique venue in life. What is a venue? A
venue is any situation that you find yourself in is a venue. You go to church
on Sunday, or a temple on Saturday, or the mosque, Thursday; it’s a venue even those
venues change. If you’re doing a memorial service it’s a venue. If you go to the
drugstore to pick up prescriptions that’s a venue and you behave differently in
every venue of life, don’t you? In marriage, I decided marriage is its
own venue and I started to think about what makes it so different, and it’s kind
of cool. What makes the marriage venues so different is that you live in it by
choice. You live in it by your actions. You live in it by your efforts so here’s
one of you here. Here’s another one of you here, and you want to get into this
venue but you mostly want to get into this venue where the happiness is the
heart and you pour it in, and this is sort of the marriage bridge. This is the
marriage bridge. Now, what is cool about this venue is that using your free will
you get to make this venue walled off so that the only ones in here are the two
of you. You’re the only ones who can come in if you so choose. This is an
extraordinarily unique situation. Remember the goal is always important.
The goal is to be happy. The happiness comes from love. So, imagine you have a
container because now we could see your venue as a container what you put into
this container defines it. So what you put into your venue of love into yours,
and I call it a sacred space. I turned it into this is your sacred
space of marriage what you put into it and then you go in here, and you live in
here together. You’re both in it and out of it all the time you know it’s a
multi-dimensional thing. But what you put in here defines how you’re living and
whether you’re living in your marriage defines how you’ll feel about your
marriage. So this is huge, it’s see how simple this is. If all you put into
this container is love, goodwill, uplifting communication, positive
reinforcement, support, comforting, all actions of love then your venue will be
filled with love. So the first thing that I did with my couple is I define
marriage and I said, “Look, it’s up to you. You have free will and this is really a
very very important thing.” Now, one of the biggest mistakes that people make when
they get married, and I’ve come up with a cool metaphor. So let’s see you’re going
into an airplane and you go into the airplane as a passenger. You find your
seat, you get comfortable, you pick up a magazine, put on your headphones, you get
ready for your journey, right? Wait a minute, if you’re the pilot that’s not at
all what happens, right? If you’re the pilot you get in, you check your plane
really well, you make sure you haven’t had any drinks just before you’re about
to fly, you prepare yourself to fly the plane,
you’re checking all your controls, you’re monitoring the gauges constantly, you’re
always paying attention. Passenger can go to sleep;
pilot can go to sleep too but only after everything is set up, and then they wake
up and they have to pay attention again. Well, marriage is not this airplane that
you get into and go for a ride; it’s not a right at Disneyland. There’s only two
people flying this plane, the co-pilot and the other copilot. But when you got
married you didn’t know that. No one told you, they may have hinted at it but they
didn’t even know what they were talking about. It takes proactive continual
effort to maintain your marriage from the day you decide to get married until
the day you die. Now, it’s not an extraordinary amount of effort just like
when the pilot gets in the plane they get airborne, they set everything up, they
trim their flaps and Elrond’s and all of that and they sit back and relax. They
could even put on automatic pilot but they’re constantly watching; it’s the
same thing with your marriage. Then the pilot enjoys flying and you could enjoy
your marriage that way but you have to stay aware but no one knows. No one does
that. Where are you going in your marriage?
Well, your destination is the same as you’re flying, you’re going into a place of
love and harmony. You’re going into a purposeful effort to create love which
creates happiness, right? So all I had to do is explain this to this
couple. And then I realized after I had converted my practice and I started
saving marriages, I realized wait a minute, this isn’t enough. Well, what’s
entailed in this? I make it sort of simple what’s entailed in this is proper
communication, learning, polite, and respectful behavior. Understanding the
other person based on their gender which is huge. I don’t want to be politically
correct. I want your marriage to be happy. Now
this even works for couples who are marrying their same gender. You still
have to recognize what your gender is doing to you because you have a body and
there’s a lot of influences that take place that affect you. So I explained all
of these things, a lot of it took a lot of research the biological impact on the
mind is very strong. Our tendencies are very strong. I explained about habits how
you have to break your old habits, create new habits, basically change yourself.
Every once in a while I come across somebody who goes, “Hey, I like me the way
I am.” And I say, “Wouldn’t you rather be happy?” I’m not asking you to put your
left arm where your right arm used to be but you need to change those things
about yourself that are not marriage friendly. You have to become marriage
friendly in order to create happiness for you and your spouse. All this was
very cool. People soaked it up but then I ran into a very interesting thing. So
this was the first thing that I came across and quite frankly,
it has almost nothing to do with psychology. Does it? This is a matter of
knowledge, matter of understanding, and it worked for a lot of people. But then
something came crashing in and I’m gonna tell you what that is, but let me clean
this up a little. Sorry, if it’s a little sloppy. What happened was people got it
but they couldn’t change themselves, their habits interfered not only their
habits, but their instincts, the memory controlled reactions, their tendencies,
their way of seeing things. You know you’re a very complete package in your
mind. You have all these institutionalized ideas about life, about
yourself, and I realize, “Wow, this is really messing things up.” So people with
unbelievable willpower, now I think I have unbelievable willpower, but I still
carry it around some things too. In the early 90’s, I decided I was gonna get rid
of my anger. I just decided I’d had enough this anger is undermining my
happiness. And I thought I’m gonna control it at the level of my mind, I’m
not gonna allow my mind to be angry anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that
and there are people who could go from now on I will never be angry anymore and
they never will be. I couldn’t do it. My first efforts to do it found me
literally on the floor clutching myself sweat dripping off my brow,
tears running out of my eyes because no matter how much I tried I couldn’t
control my thoughts. It was clear to me that I had to. Just like it is when
you’re married because what’s happening here you want to put your heart in here,
right? Because your heart is love, you want to put your heart into your
marriage. It’s another way of saying, I want to put my heart into my marriage
but here it’s more of a practical thing because you want to put your soul. your
love, into your marriage but there’s something that’s causing a problem and
that is your mind. Your mind is building walls. Now, you go to a therapist then
they say, “Well, you got to take down your walls.” The big problem that aren’t the
walls that you’re putting up to your spouse where you don’t let them in much
bigger problem are the walls you’re putting up for yourself where you can’t
share your heart. It’s filtered, it’s walled off, why? Well, fear and anger, you
could say fear and anger so you just got to conquer the fear and anger, right? Well,
how do you conquer the fear and anger? Okay. Now remember, we know the place we
want to go to the place we want to go to and I just described to you the second
part of my process of how I help people with education. We’re actually now going
to the first part, but I’m explaining to how I got there that’s why it’s out of
chronological order because this is how it actually happened. So I recognize this
is a huge problem huge, huge. Now, I could tell you why. I could tell you why including
that we’re brought out all of us are brought up wrong.
Okay, all of us. As children, as babies we’re given unconditional love, aren’t we? Well, no one tells us. You’re getting all
this unconditional love so you can learn how to give it later on. Think about that.
Why should, who are we to deserve unconditional love from our parents? It’s
an education, we’re learning how to give it, what it looks like but none of us
have that idea. But when we get married it’s exactly what we should be doing. We
should be giving unconditional love; you’re safe.
See. This is the whole idea of this. It’s unlike any other venue in the world
because it’s safe. You can give your unconditional love unconditionally
without any thought of harm coming to you. In the world, you’ll be taking
advantage of you love someone too much. I don’t care how good your intentions are
they’re not going to return it. Marriage isn’t a business deal. So what happens is
we’re not able to give our unconditional love because our minds are driven by our
bodies, and in our bodies we have the drive to
survive. We have the drive to survive, and the drive to
survive is telling the mind, you have to be protected constantly, you have to be
protected. Subordinate to this is the drive to procreate which creates our sexual appetite, which
gets in the way of our giving love. And in the world, everyone confuses love with
sex; almost everyone. I don’t and the people who take my course don’t either.
Love comes from the heart, sex is a bodily drive. Now you learn how
to use your sexuality, that sexual connection as another instrument of
giving intimacy but you don’t learn it by rote, you learn it by battling this
here. You know about anger, but it comes from the drive to survive. You know about
fear but it comes from the drive to survive so I suffered with my anger for
years. I didn’t know how to deal with it 10 years. I was putting a little dents
in it, I was getting better at controlling it but not much. But then
when I saw my couples, it’s funny how we do for others better than we do for
ourselves if we’re sincere and I was. And I thought this is very very difficult
and I really thought about this a lot, I meditated about this a lot, I prayed, I
needed some guidance on this thing and it came to me this beautiful technique
came to me, and it’s so powerful, and it’s called the SEW technique. And this is what
comes in the first of my process, the SEW technique is very
simple. It’s stop, evaluate, and act with wisdom. I thought wow, this is great. As
soon as you feel something you stop then you evaluate it. You go,
okay, what’s actually the best thing to say or do or feel or think and
yet what you act with. So instead of going deep into this infinite useless
world of where did I pick up this habit. My idea was I really don’t care. It’s not
serving me so that would be like walking in a desert, and you have plenty of water
storage, and you get to a jungle where it’s raining all the time, and you don’t
need to carry water with you anymore. Do you need to understand why it’s
raining or why you needed water? No, you leave behind your canteens and
containers. You don’t need them anymore. You don’t need to know why you react
negatively; you just need to stop doing it. Stop, then you need to evaluate. Not
evaluate why did it why do I behave that way, leave that to the Freudian guys
rather what’s the best thing to do in order to bring love into my marriage because putting love into my marriage
will create happiness and what you come up with is the wisdom.
Get it? SEW technique, so I started giving out the so technique, you know
what I discovered? Hardly, no one could use it. No one could
use it. It’s so simple, it’s so obvious but so are the 10 commandments; no one
can use those either. Why? Well, again I had to think about it and
the reason why is cuz the mind, the mind is so tricky. So what I did was I created
this whole explanation for the mind. And in my system, I used the anatomy of a
fight to explain the mind with all its triggers, walls, filters, instinct, reaction,
what it looks like, how it feels, what’s going on. Now, the mind is comfortable. It
goes, “Oh, I get it.” Because you’re not the mind,
you’re a soul — you have a mind. So it’s almost like you got a deal with your
mind. It’s almost like your mind is an employee that has turned on you in many
cases but it’s an employee that’s very intelligent and it won’t just do what
it’s told; needs to understand why it’s doing it. Then that’s not unfair so if you
don’t understand all of this, how the mind works? You can’t
use the SEW technique. So in the first part of my system, it’s imperative that
you learn about the mind and you may think, “Okay, got it.”
It’s not that easy, when I was training therapists I thought, “Okay, these guys are
really familiar with the mind.” There’s a few terms that change and
there’s a few things that they learn but they didn’t. They didn’t learn
exactly how the mind works. They kind of did. They mix things up because in
Western psychology there’s no soul. The soul is an abstract thought which I
never understood. But you are a soul, you have a mind and my therapist, my first therapist
took weeks to learn this. Weeks, and I figured they’re
working with the mind all the time but they’re not. They’re stuck in the weeds. But once you get it and then you make
the SEW technique a habit, Oh my God! We get emails that just bring tears to my
eyes to this day. People who are just so far over the edge in their marriage they
practice the SEW instantly; they’re seeing the results. Of course, they’ve moved from
the passenger part of the plane into the pilot seat. And what’s really cool is
that it doesn’t take both of you to do it. Only one of you has to do it. The
copilot, you copilot could be asleep at the wheel; it’s fine as long as one of
you is doing it the other will be inspired to later. In fact, it wasn’t long
before I stopped meeting with couples because the dynamics when you meet with
couples is insane. There’s competition there’s “I’m right, you’re right”, “I’m wrong,
you’re right.” There’s compromise, all these things that are unnecessary
and useless and destructive to the marriage. The marriage should be about
one thing. What’s that one thing? Building love, that’s it. You need to learn what
creates love, what undermines the building of love, and how to stop the
mind from screwing it all up. What does that mean? That means your instincts get
in the way, your habits get in the way, your judgments get in
way, all these things get in the way. They have to be curtailed and you use the SEW
technique to do it. Get it? See, I told you it’s not that complicated.
Look, you could do this on your own not so easily. It’s not as easy to
compile all this knowledge as one might think but it’s well worth it. It’s well
worth it, what little we charge for it and we have to survive, we have to exist
or so we have to charge for it. We can’t just give it away. I wish I could. I wish
I could. It’s like turning on lights all over the world every time we save a
family with this knowledge. It’s not miraculous. Any more than a light bulb is
miraculous but a light bulb is miraculous if you’ve never seen one before and you
don’t understand how the electricity creates the light in the bulb. Okay. So
that’s the first part which I explained secondly. Now, the third part is cool.
Here’s the thing . The thing is this, the ultimate realization of ourselves as
human beings is love. We are essentially souls. The nature of our souls is love
and I’ve said it countless times, your marriage is the greatest spiritual path
you’ll ever be on. And I know people who are on amazing spiritual paths, but this
one is so easy. It’s a setup because what’s a spiritual path all about? It’s
all about finding God, God equals love, love equals God; it’s love, it’s all about
love. You are all about love but it’s blocked, its blocked.
But don’t reduce what love is, don’t think it’s something you have to go find,
it’s like going out and finding the sun. All you have to do is move your hand
away and you’ll see the sun. One little tiny hand blocks the entire sun; it’s the
eclipse effect and this is what happens with the mind. The mind blocks the love
you gotta learn to control it, you have to. Once you start controlling
it and you start feeling that love your marriage gets good fast but I want it to
be great. I want you to take your marriage to places that you never even
imagined. So it’s interesting, people think, “Well,
we’re happy.” Yeah, but I want you to be ecstatic. I want you to feel like, “Oh my
God, this is incredible.” That’s what your marriage is supposed to feel like. So the
last step we call it achieving new heights and it’s about taking what
you’ve learned and increasing it not a little bit but huge amounts until your
heart is bursting. And then it starts impacting your
children, the people around you, and your life changes. You know we hear about
people who claim that what undermines marriages are financial difficulties. No.
The worst is the death of a child. I don’t want to minimize that, I lost my
son, I could tell you it’s no picnic. But when your marriage is working and
working means you’re having ecstatic love then you face that together. It
doesn’t destroy your marriage, nothing destroys your marriage from the outside
because it’s a sacred space. Okay. I hope you get it. I don’t think it’s
complicated. I think it’s simple. I’ve often wondered
how come no one’s ever done this before. Why do they get into talking about their
problems? What good is that gonna do? If you’re talking about your problems
you’re not working on improving your marriage. If you’re talking about your
bad communication, you’re using communication to talk about your
problems, not about sharing your love with each other. So I kind of turned
everything upside down and it works. It works very fast so as a practical matter
obviously, it’s an individual thing. I don’t believe in couples counseling
because it’s destructive. It sets up the dynamic that works against you. I don’t
believe in individual counseling for your marriage because it’s human nature, “I don’t
want to talk about the problems.” What do I believe and I believe in what I’ve
set up. I set up a course online it’s over 50 classes so it’s obviously
extensive. We’re step-by-step, I take you through
the steps you need to achieve a joyous marriage. I don’t work on problems. Now,
you said people come in and they want to talk about their problems. I go, “You can waste your money if you want. I’ll hear them. I’m not gonna judge anyone
based on them. I’m not gonna tell you you’re right, he’s wrong, he’s right,
you’re wrong, she’s right, I’m not gonna go there.” Who cares? We want to leave all
of that junk almost used the C word, C-R-A-P. We want to leave all that stuff in
the past. We want to put all of our focus, all of our time and energy and effort on
creating, on you creating the sacred space of marriage so you’ll be happy. So
as a practical matter we set it up online. I’ve trained counselors as I
alluded to before so you have access to them anytime you want by email. Because
again, the tendency is to get involved, I don’t want my counselors getting
involved in your marriage. I want them helping you take the step
that you may have missed. You may have strayed off the path that I’ve laid out
in the course. I’ve got to get you back there so you write in usually within
hour, sometimes within minutes you’ll get a response. You won’t know who is
responding to you but they all know the same material, my material and they’ll
get you back on path so you take the course. I’ve made it very easy. I’ve made
it a no-brainer. You sign up, you try it for five days and you go, “Wow.” And then it
converts into paid, I want results so even though you’re paying or you’ve paid
because payment plans — it’s fine. It’s guaranteed
for 90 days. We had a member say look you know, “My husband is has moved out. He’s
living with someone else his mistress. They have a child together.
What should I do? And I said, “Ask for a refund.” What can we do? But at least she tried,
she tried. We’ve had other people where they’ve moved out and they come back.
We’ve had a move out move in with a mistress and they come back. There were
no kids, no more kids so it’s still possible but there are places where it’s
it’s gone too far. But not many, not many so that’s it. I
don’t know how to sum this up I think it’s all pretty self-explanatory. Good
about a video is you don’t have to ask me, “Well, what did I say 10 minutes
ago?” You could go back and you could look and then if you want to ask questions of
our counselors you could write in; it’s free. It’s free. Now, if this is helpful to
you. Okay, we’re done with this video so now, if
this is helpful to you, and for sure you’ve got friends who are going through
hell in their marriage. Everyone does, how could there be over a
50% divorce rate? Can you imagine if half the planes were falling out of the sky?
Anyway, it’s very sad especially what happens to the children. So like this
video, share it with your friends, put it on Facebook if you’re on Facebook or
whatever the social media of the moment is and help me get the word out because
this is the way. This is truly the way. I am Paul Friedman.
I’m at your service and i truly hope you take advantage of what we have to offer.
I created this foundation as a non-profit foundation not because we’re
a religious group — were not. Not because we’re a political group — we’re not but
because I want these teachings to spread far and wide.
Okay. Love and blessings to you and your family.

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