2. The Affairs Are Revealed | Affair Survival and Marriage Break Up – My Personal Story


During that conversation he went on to
tell me that he had had a few affairs. He moved quickly to say that they didn’t
really mean anything. They were one-night stands. Purely sexual
in nature. And he did not have either feelings or ongoing contact with any of
them. Well, I felt a huge bomb being dropped on me. And it was surreal, you
know, it’s the sort of stuff you hear in the movies and you just don’t think
it’ll happen to you. I pressed for details. That seemed really, really
important for me to know exactly who and when. And it turns out that one of the
women who was somebody that, you know we used to have cheese and wine evenings
once a month when we lived in the other country. it was mainly for the expats, and
yeah, one of the women that regularly joined us in those cheese and wine
evenings. I mean, we’d typically have perhaps 30 or 40 people come over and
one of those women was one of the people. I don’t know exactly when or how and it
was probably irrelevant even at the time, but I do remember just being completely
and utterly astounded that it was somebody who was so nice to me, you know. Every time she came to our house she’d smile and say hello and, you know, chat
and yeah to think that this is what was going on behind my back. I think, you know,
I was very innocent and just yet found it completely astounding that
people can be like that. Can be so two-faced. And yeah, not to mention the betrayal that I felt from him, you know. And then
it got a little bit worse and he said that in one of his overseas business
trips his host said it was customary to supply them with a prostitute, and he
didn’t say no. And the prostitute went upstairs with him to his room and they
proceeded to do what they did. And apparently this happened on more than
one occasion I’m not sure if he thought it would make me feel any better because
it was in inverted commas “nameless faceless” but to me it was all betrayal.
Just such deep betrayal. And I’m the sort of person who goes into sort of deep
focus mode, you know. Like I didn’t break down and start crying in front of him. I
held it together very well I told him that I was really, really angry and that
I just completely felt betrayed, obviously, and that I needed time. You
know that there was no way I was sharing a bed with him. And that he should go and
just sleep on the couch in the lounge, because we didn’t have a spare room. He
of course agreed. His whole perspective was that it was a huge mistake. He’s very
sorry about it. He felt very guilty and he loved me and was prepared to do what
it took to make the marriage work. I… of course was not in that place myself. I
couldn’t think of making the marriage work at this point. At this point I was
still just processing everything, and it was just raw. And
all I knew is that I needed just to be away from him so that I could have the
space and the safety to then break down as I needed to. Yeah and I, you know, the
memory of what… what exactly did I do with myself for those two or three
days… I think it was more like three three or four days. I don’t know. I think
I just sat in my room and I just thought and thought. And, you know ,tried to figure things out. But it is quite hazy in my memory today. I do remember though that at the end of it, sort of when I’d felt that I processed everything, you know, I
had to come to a decision about what I want to do. You know I had three young
kids. Very young kids. And I knew that I wanted to keep my family together. I
believed him that he loved me, although I take a very different viewpoint today.
But back then this was my thinking and so that’s on the one hand. On the other
hand I still felt so immensely betrayed and just even more humiliated. I don’t
know why. The humiliation was really, really, really big for me, you know. It was
the humiliation of people knowing things that I didn’t. Of, you know, maybe I felt
stupid in a way. It was the humiliation that others were supplying him with
things that I should have been, and why was I not good enough. Why did he have to look outside, and I almost felt embarrassed, which is absurd if I think
about it today because I have nothing to be embarrassed about. But,
you know, I was much younger and probably had a very different view of myself than
I do today. And I do remember taking quite a lot of that on me, as though I
had done things wrong or not quite to the standard that he was expecting, and
this is why he was looking outside of the marriage. Which again, today, you know
with… in hindsight and after having done a lot of therapy and emotional work
I see things very differently. But yeah, back then there was a huge sense of
humiliation, embarrassment maybe a bit of shame in myself, absurd as that sounds,
and obviously betrayal. So I had to think about ,you know, what is it that I’m going
to do.

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