[sports game on TV] So when you say you’re asexual
you mean you’re into both chicks and dudes? No, that’s bisexual Asexual means without sex Like ahistorical means without history
or asymmetrical means without symmetry Oh, yeah A-cup means without boobs Yeah An asexual is a person who does
not experience sexual attraction. You’ve never like looked at a guy and said
“Yeah, I’d do him?” No. Really? Really. Really? Really. Really? Really. Stay focused, Thomas. We’re looking for a wife
not another trip to the emergency room. And on that note, the two of you are
not allowed on the roof together. In fact, Thomas You’re not allowed on the roof at all. Why am I here? It’s my 30th birthday and you’re my friend. This is your mother’s home edition of ‘The Bachelor’ and there’s no way I’m accepting a rose. After last year’s fiasco, I’m surprised she invited me at all. So you pushed me off a roof. It was an accident. Besides, Elle needs a chaperon. You know what cake does to her. Cake is no longer a good enough reason
to attend these speed-dating dance-athons. Cake is the best reason. She made vegan cake. Just for you. Smile. GAVIN: Hey, paparazzi, over here! And so it begins. Happy birthday, bro. Tom, meet the ladies. Ladies, meet Tom. TOM: Nice to meet you.
GAVIN: That’s a wink. TOM: Hi
GAVIN: Sweet Hi, Tom [French pick-up line] I love Italian. Don’t you have male friends? I have you… though I’m seriously starting to doubt, bro. Will you check out that fineness? Look at that ass! Hot. Hotter. Not so hot. Oh, too hot for you. I got dibs on that one. Hey, what’s going on? Are you alright?
Shake it out. Relax You hooking up with that sweet little fashion designer later? Her name is Glory and it’s not like that! Then I can give you your gift, my friend See those two girls with the bows on their heads? They’re easy. If you ask nicely enough, they’ll do you GAVIN: Together.
TOM: Oh, God. Oh, she’s got a cupcake. [music] Are you one of Gavin’s friends? No, we met at the hospital last year
When you fell off the roof. I took care of you. Oh, you’re the sponge bath nurse! So you’ve already seen me naked.
At least that won’t be awkward. This party is so lame. Hi, um. I’m T– HANNAH: I don’t care. I just don’t want that
other skeezy guy hitting on me. Wait, are you rich? ELLE: Glory, why can’t I wear the dragon dress? Why? Why? Why? GLORY: It’s not a dress, Elle, it’s couture. But parties are better when people are in costume! It’s not a costume!
TOM: Hey, smile! Watch the dress. TOM: Are you going to hang onto that dress all night?
GLORY: Is there a place I can hang this? TOM: I don’t know about closet space,
but we can probably find a door or curtain rod. Ditching your own party already? Don’t you two look like a Hollywood power couple? TOM & GLORY: It’s not like that! You’re not going to wear that are you? I’m preparing for a fashion show.
I couldn’t leave it in the car. I just added some chains to offset the horns. It’s amazing. CLARA: Hello again, welcome. ELLE: Touching! CLARA: What a unique outfit.
Let’s put you in something a little more slutty. ELLE: Why?
CLARA: You’re Tom’s little football friend, right? CLARA: Who’s your team?
ELLE: I root for the blue team. CLARA: Oh, well then I have the perfect blue dress for you. CLARA: Has Tom ever seen you in a dress? You mean, like a costume? Mom! She doesn’t need a makeover.
Jesus, you’re scaring her! A little cleavage is nothing to be scared of.
She has the figure for it. You don’t touch Elle. Cake! That’s vegan cake. Where’s the real cake?
I came for cake and dancing ELLE: And now I have no cake! Then by God, let’s dance! Should I rescue him or not? If you don’t want the rose, don’t play the game. [music and conversation] TOM: I… whoa! What’s your name? TOM: I really like this song. TOM:Hi. You’re a good dancer! So… you’re not here for the guys either? You’ve got a better shot with black Jezebel over there. Have fun What’s your name again? Wow, um… So… should I start designing bridesmaid dresses? Save me. If you don’t want to dance with the avaricious she-wolves of LA GLORY: we can go to the corner and make out
TOM: Just take me home, please I thought I’d be ready for this meat market by now I’m still a man right? I don’t know. Never checked. [SCREAM] Clumsy me. Don’t fret, dear. I have the perfect dress for you GLORY: There’s a change of clothes in duffel. Borrow what you like.
TOM: Real mature So help me Lord, I will have grandchildren before I die. All right, Mrs. Friedman! Yeah! [music and conversation] Hey, where are you going? Out of the Twilight Zone. I hate when your mom throws parties. ROSEMARY: You’re not yourself and when you’re not yourself I can’t be myself I can’t go back in the closet. TOM: No one is asking you to.
ROSEMARY: No, but they assume and I’m expected not to correct them. I think you’re afraid of losing me. You think I’m jealous? No, I’m incredulous. You know, first you’re pretending to be a ladies man like Gavin. Now, you’re hanging off Glory, pretending to be a couple. Who says I’m pretending? Enjoy your party! [techno dance music] Dude. What—-whoa! Hot damn! GAVIN: Tweet me that one. GLORY: Tweet? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Take it off. Take it off! You said borrow anything. In the duffel bag. Duffel bag! TOM: Glory, relax. Breathe. GAVIN: Dude, look at her. How can you breathe? CLARA: Well that’s even more unique than the last outfit. Unique is an absolute adjective. You can’t be more unique. That’s what Rosemary would say. [ladies arguing] GAVIN: Horns, chains, and legs. My favorite. TOM: I’m here to kidnap you. ROSEMARY: Sit down before you fall down. ROSEMARY: God, did you drive?
TOM: No. I took a cab. You were my ride. I thought you’d go home with the future Mrs. Tom Friedman. Does it say something about me
that I’d rather sit her with you watching TV than be there getting laid by two gorgeous bow-heads? The TV’s not on Carol-An. TOM: You know what? It’s my birthday
and I’ll spend it how I want. TOM: I will find a wife some other day. TOM: Whoa. Hey! What’s this? ROSEMARY: It’s your gift.
But you can’t have it. TOM: Is it a pony?
ROSEMARY: No. TOM: Season tickets?!
ROSEMARY: On what the university pays me? Wait, what is it? Why can’t I have it? Because you’re not ready for it.
You don’t know what you want. I know what I want. I want to spend my birthday with my friends. I’ll call your friends. TOM: I want non-vegan cake?
ROSEMARY: Can’t help you there. [boring documentary] GAVIN: Really?