Bachelor Auction – SNL


>>>GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE.
SOLE FOR A WHOPPING $1,600. CONGRATULATIONS TO THIS LOVELY
YOUNG LADY AT TABLE SIX. YOU HAVE WON BREAKFAST AND A
PRIVATE TENNIS LESSON WITH OUR HEAD INSTRUCTOR BRANDON.
>>HEADS UP, I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU SWEAT.
>>AT BREAKFAST?>>NO.
THE TENNIS LESSON.>>OKAY, YOU TWO SEE DANA TO SET
THAT DATE. $1600 IS OUR BIGGEST TAKE SO FAR
IN OUR BACHELOR AUCTION. REMEMBER, ALL PROCEEDS FROM
TONIGHT GO TO OUR CLUB’S YOUTH TRAVELING TEAM.
SO PLEASE, KEEP GIVING GENEROUSLY.
OUR NEXT TENNIS CLUB BACHELOR WORKS AT THE PRO SHOP.
IT’S CHAD. YOU MAY KNOW CHAD FROM VAPING IN
THE PARKING LOT. YOU ARE BIDDING ON LUNCH WITH
CHAD.>>OKAY.
>>FANTASTIC. LET’S START IT OUT AT 50 BIG
ONES.>>SOMETHING ABOUT THAT VOICE.
ALL RIGHT, CHAD HELP US OUT HERE.
WHY DON’T YOU SELL YOURSELF FOR THE LADIES.
GOT ANY FUN TALENTS?>>I — I MADE UP A DANCE CALLED
“THE DOINK DOINK.”>>ALL RIGHT.
LET’S SEE THE DOINK DOINK.>>OKAY.
>>DOINK DOINK. DOINK DOINK.
DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK. BOOP.
>>OH, MY GOSH. THAT’S INCREDIBLE.
>>YES, WE HAVE EYES SYLVIA. $100.
>>$500.>>$1,000.
>>$2,000.>>DOINK, DOINK, DOINK, DOINK,
DOINK DOINK DOINK.>>$5,000.
>>TYPICAL CECIL, JUMP IN WHEN THE ACTIONS HOT.
>>$10,000 AND I’LL RAISE MYSELF TO 15.
I MUST HAVE THE DOINK DOINK.>>GO HOME, LADIES.
$30,000!>>$50,000.
AND THAT’S A BARGAIN. AND I AM WILLING TO GO TO SIX
FIGURES. BUT I NEED MORE.
WHAT ELSE DOES CHAD BRING TO THE TABLE?
>>CHAD ANY OTHER HIDDEN TALENTS?
>>I CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF JIM CAREY AS THE GRINCH.
>>OH, JESUS CHRIST, THIS PLACE IS GOING TO EXPLODE.
>>$100,000. I DON’T EVEN NEED TO HEAR IT.
>>WHAT IF IT’S NOT GOOD.>>OF COURSE IT WILL BE GOOD.
IT’S CHAD, YOU COW.>>SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU.
LET CHAD WORK.>>OKAY.
THIS IS WHEN HE’S TALKING TO THE DOG.
“TOMORROW’S CHRISTMAS, IT’S PRACTICALLY HERE!”
>>$500,000!>>$600,000.
THAT SOUNDED EXACTLY LIKE THE GRINCH.
>>$700,000, AND I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THE GRINCH.
>>I FEEL LIKE I’M IN THE UPSIDE DOWN RIGHT NOW.
CHAD’S GRINCH IMPRESSION TOOK TO US 700 GRAND.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU’RE HIDING FROM US?
>>I CAN DO A MAGIC TRICK.>>IT’S POINTLESS, LADIES, THERE
IS A REASON YOU ALL CALL ME RICHIE BITCH BEHIND MY BACK.
I GET WHAT I WANT.>>QUIET PIG, LOOK.
>>BOING, BOING, BOING, BOING, BOING, BOING, BOING.
BOING, BOING, BOING.>>$10 MILLION!
>>$10 MILLION. GOING ONCE, TWICE, SOLD TO THE
MYSTERY MAN IN THE FUN COAT. WHO ARE YOU, SIR?
>>IT DOESN’T MATTER. WHAT MATTERS IS THE LUNCH WITH
CHAD IS MINE! HAVE THE BOY CLEANED AND TAKEN
TO MYELOGENOUS.>>SOUNDS KIND OF CREEPY.
ARE YOU COOL WITH THAT, CHAD?>>OKAY.
>>CHAD’S COOL WITH IT. BIG HAND FOR CHAD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT, ONTO OUR BIG TICKET
ITEM. WE PULLED A LOT OF STRINGS TO
GET HIM HERE. GET YOUR CHECKBOOKS OUT, LADIES.
READY FOR OUR NEXT BACHELOR, TENNIS LEGEND, MR. JOHN McENROE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] TELL US, WHAT ARE THEY BIDDING
ON MR. McENROE.>>ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, WHAT I’M
OFFERING IS A WEEKEND STAY AT MY ESTATE, AKA, THE MACK SHACK.
IT INCLUDES A THREE-HOUR TENNIS LESSON FROM YOURS TRULY, A MIXED
DOUBLES MATCH WITH ANDRE AGASSI AND STEFFI GRAF, AND OF COURSE
UNLIMITED SELFIES WITH ME, JOHN McENROE, THE BAD BOY OF
TENNIS.>>WOW.
WOW, LADIES, THE BAD BOY OF TENNIS.
START THAT BIDDING.>>WHAT?
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I’M JOHN McENROE, MAN!
WHAT DO YOU LADIES WANT? YOU CAN BRING CHAD ALONG.
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? DOINK, DOINK, DOINK, DOINK,
DOINK, DOINK.>>$20 MILLION.
>>NOW THAT IS MORE LIKE IT.>>SOLD.
$20 MILLION. [ APPLAUSE ]

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