Bert Kreischer – Flying Dildos – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– They kept her
in a fucking closet?
Are you shitting me? And they were like, “Yeah, the
Nazis were looking for her.” I go, “The fucking Nazis were
looking for her?” [laughter] “How did they not put this
in the movie? How did the Nazis not find…” [babbling incoherently][dark electronic music]– Oh! Ahh!Ugh! Oh! Ahh! Augh![cheers and applause] – One of my best friends. The host of the
“Bertcast” podcast. Please give it up for
Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody.[cheers and applause]– Yeah, I am the machine. [laughter] I’m nursing
one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had in my fucking life
right now. So cheers to Ari,
to Comedy Central. [cheers and applause] I don’t read a lot. [laughter] I’m not–I’m not–I’m not, like,
a–I’m smart, but I’m not, like, a–like… [laughter] I’m not good with facts
and stuff. Like, I was talking to someone
the other day, and I realized I’d always
thought Anne Frank and Helen Keller
were the same person. [laughter] Like, well into my 20s. [laughter] Do you know where I found out? At the Anne Frank house. Do you have any idea wh–I–
I went–okay. I backpacked through Europe when
I was 22 with these four guys. Three are lawyers, so I can’t
say their names. The other one’s named Wicho. And these guys were just fucking
nerds. The whole time we were
backpacking, they were like, “You want to go to, like,
the Louvre? “Do you want to see David? “Do you want–
we should take a class “and learn about
how they cut diamonds so when we get engaged
we can have”– I’m like, “I… “what the fuck is wrong with
you guys? “We–we’re here to bang Swedish
chicks. That’s it. Like, are you out of
your minds?” And then one day they’re like,
“Hey, do you want to go to the Anne Frank house?” And I lit up.
I was like, “Fuck yes.” And they were like,
“Wow, you seem really excited.” And I was like,
“No, we’ll get a bag of weed, and we’ll laugh our dicks off.” [laughter] And they’re like, “Really?” I go, “Yeah, I’ve been hearing
jokes about this girl my whole life.” [laughter] “We’ll get high, put a plunger
in the toilet.” [laughs] And they were like, “What?” I go, “Do you get to go
into the house?” And they were like,
“Yeah, you can go see the closet they kept her in,” and I go,
“They kept her in a fucking closet?” [laughter] Are you shitting me? And they were like, “Yeah, the
Nazis were looking for her.” I go, “The fucking Nazis were
looking for her?” [laughter] “How did they not put this
in the movie? How did the Nazis not find…” [babbling incoherently] [laughter] So I get excited.
I get a bag of weed. And I’m like, “I can’t wait to
go to the Anne Frank house.” [laughter] I’m, like, beaming,
I’m so pumped up. [laughter] On our walk to the Anne Frank
house in Amsterdam, we pass by a sign that says, “Live sex. Live sex. Live sex.
Flying dildos.” [laughter] And I’m like, “All right,
suck a silent dick, Anne Frank.” [laughter] “We’re going to see flying
dildos.” We can–well, what are you gonna
pick, culture or the Anne Frank house? I’m going with culture. [laughter] So I get us tickets. We all go in. Has anybody ever been
to a live sex show? – Whoo. – One guy in the back.
Perfect. It’s aggressive. It’s a lot creepier
than you’d ever think. See, here’s the problem
with a live sex show: every show you go to
elicits a response. When you come to this show,
you know to laugh. When you go to see music,
you get inspired. But when you go to
a live sex show, the only response
is to creep people out. Just like,
“Oh, maybe I’ll get hard.” [low laughter] So we go in.
We sit down. It’s as intimate as this. And we light a joint, get to
know some of the other fellas, like-minded gentlemen. [laughter] First woman comes up,
no fanfare, no intro music,
not even that hot. She’s like a sex show six. [laughter] Comes up–
she definitely has another job. Like, trust me. It’s this intimate. It needs to be ex–
we are this close and she just starts
oil-rigging herself. Just wha–no. Listen, I’m not big
into foreplay, but total lack of foreplay
looks a lot like assault, okay? [laughter] And she is going to town, and we’re making the same look,
just, “Ohh-ohh-ohh,” which she confuses for,
“Oh, I guess they can’t see,” and just goes back to performing
her gynecological exam on herself. Now, I have a problem
with silence, so I immediately start
talking to her. [laughter] And I’m like,
“Do you speak English?” She’s like, “No.” I was like, “Fuck. Uh, you’re doing
a really good job.” She was like, “Oh, thank you.” And I go,
“Do you do flying dildos?” And she’s like, “No.” And I was like…
[sighs] “Great.” Five minutes.
Five minutes she does this. Five minutes,
just goes to town on herself. Just–it gets aggre–by the end,
we’re like, now we’re learning shit
about the woman’s anatomy. We’re like,
“That’s her urethra I think. That’s amazing.” She gets done.
We give her a golf clap. [laughter] Two girls come on stage, and,
now, if this girl was all song, no dance,
these girls were all dance, no song. A lot of foreplay. You can’t walk backwards
in a story. Like, I had to stop and go,
“Ladies, ladies, “we just watched
a woman fist herself. “Like, let’s cut to
the pink meat, okay? Like”–they’re, like,
making out. And now I’m the spokesman. Someone’s like, “Can you get
them to hurry it up?” And I’m like, “Sure.” I go, “Do you guys do
flying dildos?” And they’re like, “No.” I was like, “Okay.
Next.” And they’re like, “Huh?” And we’re like,
“We’re good. We’ve seen what you have
to offer.” They leave.
Then– [laughter] A guy and a girl come out. Now, this is where
it gets creepy. I’m not a huge feminist, but I believe
in women’s rights, okay? And this guy just starts
doing crowd work. He’s not even
incorporating her in. It’s like an improv team
where she sits off to the side, like, fucking one of Jeff
Dunham’s dummies, just… [laughter] And he’s like,
“Aww, you guys”– this–by the way, this is
exactly what it feels like. I want you to feel it. “You guys ready to see me
fuck, huh?” [laughter] “You want to see me fuck this
shit, man? I fuck it good.” It’s creeping me out,
and it’s assaulting my morals. [laughter] And I lean over to my friends,
and I go, “We should have just gone
to the Anne Frank house.” [laughter] Which pisses this guy off. He goes, “Oh, don’t bring up
Anne Frank in this room, man.” And I go, “What? Fucking wish
I was Anne Frank right now so I didn’t have to see this.” [laughter] [applause] And then he starts
arguing with me, but he’s arguing with me
and getting his dick hard. Like… [laughter] Like, it’s such a–like,
he’s, like, pulling it going, “Oh, man, don’t worry.
It gets bigger.” I’m like, “Not on my watch
it doesn’t.” And I start heckling his dick. I’m like,
“Think about your mom,” and he’s like,
“Hey, fuck you, buddy.” I go,
“Do you have any sisters?” He’s like, “Hey, not now, man.
Not now.” I go, “We should just go
to Anne Frank.” And he’s like, “Fuck you,” and he storms off, and now the
lunatics are running the asylum, and I’m their fucking leader. I’m their–I’m like their
Rosa Tubbsman. Not fucking Rosa Tubbsman. [laughter] God damn it. By the way, I am neither
Rosa Parks or Harriet Tubman. [laughter] Right–right– [laughter] [laughs] I don’t know–right now–
right now in heaven, Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman,
Helen Keller, and Anne Frank are going,
“What the fuck is this guy doing to our names?” Helen Keller’s like…
[babbling incoherently] [laughter] So I’m their Rosa Tubbsman. I’m fucking–
I’m leading the– fucking– if I–if you didn’t think
I was stupid when I started
this story… [laughter] I’m leading the charge. And I’m, like, I’m fucking
pulling out old high school chants, like, “We put our hands
up high, our feet down low. “We want flying dildos. “Flying dildos. “Flying dildos. Hey, fellas.”
“Yeah?” “Hey, fellas.”
“Yeah?” “We want?”
“Yeah?” “Flying dildos, yeah.” They send out some girl to calm
us down and we boo her offstage. We’re like,
“Get the fuck out, bitch. “We only want… “flying dildos! You heard us.”
And now–then there’s–okay. Then–let’s fucking kill
this beer. [low laughter] – Whoo! – Get it, machine. – I’m hitting it hard as fuck. [laughter] Woman comes out, German woman,
six feet tall, thigh-high leather boots,
biker’s cap, medicine bag, plops it on the stool, and goes, “Gentlemen, please, calm down. I am the flying dildos.” And the place
goes fucking bananas. It looks like the control room
in NASA when Apollo 13 landed. Like, “Oh, we did it! We did it!” [laughter] She goes, “Stop, I will need one
volunteer from the audience,” and these assholes look at me
like, “You’re up, numbnuts.” [laughter] I fucking get up onstage,
and I am so excited that I’ve brought about change. I feel like I’ve accomplished
something in my life. I’m literally–
look at my constituents like, “You said you wanted change!” I–I didn’t say that, probably,
but I was like, “Fuck”– whatever I said. “I’m Rosa Tubbsman!”
And– [laughter] I don’t even realize her putting
a handcuff on me, and when the second one goes on,
I go, “Hey, maybe we should talk about
how flying dildos works.” [laughter] “Like, I feel like
I’m in the dark on this one.” And she does not have, like,
happy eyes look on her face and sweeps me legs in, like,
a “Karate Kid” move. Just…
and I land hard. I land so hard, I knocked
the wind out of myself. And let me tell you something
about–when knocked out of wind, that’s a real fucking noise,
just, “Hehhhhh.” It is so real, and real respects
real. When you hear that, you’re like,
“Oh, fuck.” “Hehhhhh.” She tears my pants off me, and
my dick pops out of my boxers unprepared, gentlemen. I look at my best friend, Wicho,
and I go, “Poke it back in.” He’s like,
“I will not be doing that.” And then the air is removed out
of the room, and I hear some guy go, “Fucking do it,”
and I’m like, “What?” I look up. This woman is straddling my face
with a 12-inch black dildo and Excaliburs it into my mouth. – No! – Gentlemen, you have
a game-time decision to make. [laughter] What do you do in that
situation? Do you purse your lips,
close your teeth, and hope to block the shot? Could lose your front canines. [laughter] Or do you acquiesce and open up
and let her go yard in your jaw? [laughter] I chose the latter. She went 8 inches into my throat
just… [gagging] Now I’m gagging, the wind’s
knocked out of me, and my dick’s popping out, I’m wiggling like
the very last unicorn. [laughter] And she looks at the guys
and says, “Gentlemen, get your cameras and line up to get
a picture with flying dildos.” These turncoats line up
like they’re meeting the fucking queen. They’re like, “Oh, I can’t
wait,” and everyone takes a picture with me… [gagging] The point of my story–
the reason I told it to you… [laughter] Is if you ever go to Amsterdam,
just go to the Anne Frank house. [laughter] Thank you. [cheers and applause] – Wait a second. First of all,
don’t leave your shirt– [laughs]
Before you leave. Second of all, did you ever
go to the Anne Frank house? – Oh, yeah. So… I was–
[clears throat] I was a little rattled after the
whole flying dildos experience, and–but all the guys
in the room thought I was
the greatest guy ever. It was like killing
in a comedy club, and I walk out,
and they’re all– it’s three football players
form UCF, three French Canadians,
a dude from Tennessee, and a guy from Australia,
and my four friends, and they’re like,
“We would do anything with you.” And I was like, “Well, I could
use some cheering up. Let’s go to the
Anne Frank house.” [laughter] So–so–
[laughs] So… – [laughs] – So, I, uh… – That’s not a cheering up
kind of place. – It gets so much worse. – [laughing]
Yes. – So we get high
as giraffe pussy and go into the Anne Frank
house, and all I’m doing the whole time is telling
Helen Keller jokes. I’m like– I’m, like,
leaning up to them going like, “You know she had a dog, right?” And they’re like, “Really? How do you know so much
about Anne Frank?” I’m like, “He ran away.” And they’re like,
“He ran away?” I was like, “Well, you would too
if your name was…” [babbling incoherently] We go into the kitchen
and I’m like, “Oh, here’s where she burned
her fingers.” And they’re like, “What?” “Yeah, she tried
to read her waffle iron.” [laughter] And this lady in front of us
turned– – [laughs] – This–mind you,
I’m high as fuck. This lady– – No one’s gonna tell you, like,
“That’s not the right person.” – Lady turns around and goes, “Are you making
Helen Keller jokes?” [laughter] Ari, Ari,
I realized at that moment that we’re not in
Helen Keller’s house. [laughter] We’re in the Anne Frank house, and I don’t know
who the fuck she is. [laughter] And these guys see it in my eyes
and 12 dudes fall apart as high as fuck
in a Holocaust museum. [laughter] And that is the best laugh
you can have, is when you’re not
supposed to laugh. When you’re like… [guttural yelling] And I’m putting all the pieces
together like, “Oh, I think I was thinking
of Anne Sullivan.” – [laughing]
No. – Shit. Oh, yeah, yeah,
this is the wrong– I go,
“What happened to this girl?” And they’re like… [laughter] – She didn’t invent Braille. – [laughs] Didn’t invent Braille! – [laughs] – [sighs] That’s it. – Yeah. [laughter] – Thank you.– Bert Kreischer.

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Comments

  1. Bert: "Hey man, what do you think will take my act to the next level?"
    Friend: "I dunno…take your shirt off or something?"
    NOT! You fucking suck bro. Write decent jokes instead of showing the audience your disgusting shitty body to get a laugh

  2. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AT 11:52??? Why would ANYONE think it is ok to yell like that??? She also did it a little quieter at 12:21 too!! WHAT THE FUCK????

  3. I couldn't help but imagine the man as Rocco Sifrredi walking out
    "EHH U GUYS READY TO C ME FUCK!?"

  4. The Hispanic woman behind him is visibly uncomfortable until Bert says "performing a gynecological exam" she finally broke and laughed. EDIT: Just realized his ass crack is def in her face may be why lmao

  5. Lmao!! Never heard of this guy before and just watched this one and the russian mob story. I think i just pissed my pants a little bit…😂

  6. Is it just me, or was Ari giving him one of those "helps" that happen in stand-up? Like helping out nd doing what looked like fake laughing. Why? That shit was funny as fuck

  7. Dude bert I have to freaking know did that for real happen??????? This is the best “this is not happening” EVER!!!!!!!!

  8. Anyone else ever notice the helen keller/anne frank bit from clerks 2? I know Brent has had this story a while so not sure where that got formed in. Or if it was even original in the movie.

  9. I'm such a huge fan of his! I love the way he's so honest about himself and has that historical 'If u didn't think I was stupid before this story started " lol. I so love him

  10. lol I swear on my life.. Amsterdam circa 2010 I ate a banana out of a woman's vagina on stage at a sex show..xmas time.. Mariah Carey 'all I want for xmas' is a flash back..! She also wrote 'sexy' on my chest with a perminate marker via her vagina! Amazing! 😂😂✊🏼

  11. In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ

  12. I laughed so hard I was curled in a ball, in pain crying. Best laugh I have had since childhood. Omg, that kinda laugh is better than sex.

  13. That's a whole lota sweaty fat guy dick root. Either that belt is working some triple overtime or those pants are defying gravity.

  14. I got yelled at once by a naked guy (don't worry, we're actually related – I don't know if that makes it better or worse l

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