What the hell? Where am I? What’s going on? What the hell is this? My feet too? What’s going on? Who’s there? Who are you people? Surprise! Oh!
What the fuck, man? What the hell, guys? Happy birthday, buddy! Happy birthday! Happy birthday, man. Good prank and all, but was the chloroform really necessary? So long story short… I’m pretty sure my neighbor is a coke dealer. No way! He was just walking around with a bag of cocaine? In the middle of the neighborhood, in broad daylight! It was unbelievable! I still can’t believe you posted that
on your Snapchat story. That’s crazy, man! If I saw my neighbor walking
around with a bag of cocaine… I’d be surprised. I mean, I’m kind of surprised… But not really, you know what I mean? Yeah. Speaking of grown men with drug addictions… Where’s Reilly with the alcohol? I don’t know, but it shouldn’t be taking him this long. He went to his room to get it. His room is literally right down the hall. Hey, Reilly! What are you doing, man? Relax, man! I’m coming! It’s about time! What took you so long? I always pre-game, buddy! Cool, man! Yeah! I can’t wait to have some! What? Pour me a shot, man! Yeah man, pour me a shot too! Whoa, hold on, guys! What? This is my liquor, I’m not trying to share! Come on! It’s his birthday! Yeah, man! Come on. You should have brought your own! What? Are you planning on drinking all that by yourself? Of course! This is what I got chloroformed for? A party where I can’t even drink? I’m doing all the drinking tonight, buddy. You’re gonna die, man. Let’s make a toast to the birthday boy! Aw, you don’t have to do this, man! Of course we do! I’ll start. Gabe, we’ve been friends since the second grade. And you were always the life of the party! Even as a kid, I was fun to be around! Always! And now, you’re finally a man…
…and you’ve grown… …into a really fine man! Aw, shucks, man! You’re embarrassing me! Don’t be embarrassed! You’re a stud! Any girl would be lucky to have you! Look at that jawline! If I had that jaw, I’d be lucky. I appreciate it, buddy. All right, is this still a toast? Or are you trying to seduce him? Um, no! That was my toast! Five-star toast, man! All right, I’ll go next. Gabe, we’ve been friends for two years now. And you’ve been such a good friend to me all this time. Like,a really good friend. Honestly, you’re like a brother to me. Okay… Thanks, Emily! I really appreciate our friendship! All right! Reilly’s turn! Hey, uh, Reilly? You good, man?
Reilly! Ugh… what’s up, guys? It’s your turn to make a toast! A toast? To Gabe? To Gabe? All right, give me a second. Let me think. Ugh! All right, Gabe! Happy birthday, man! When I turned 18, I had the whole world ahead of me. I had so much potential! Ugh! Wow! And five years later, you’re turning 18! I graduated from college over a year ago! And you are the best friend I have! Ha, aw! That’s nice! That’s life! Cheers, everyone! Cheers! Oh, no! What, what is it? My mom just texted me. It’s a family emergency, I have to go!
You have to leave? I might, I’m sorry! Damn it! You almost had her, man! Wait, what? What are you talking about? Tonight was supposed to be the night! What night? Dude! The night that Gabe finally hooks up with Emily? We’ve been planning this for weeks! Mmm! So there’s an agenda! So… too bad she left, man! I mean, first I got chloroformed… …then Reilly wouldn’t let me drink! This is the worst birthday ever! Just wait until you turn 23, man! No! We can still make this work! I’m gonna stop her from leaving. Ha! Yeah, good luck with that! I’m gonna go take a piss! Ha! Yeah… Gabe, I can’t find her–oh, Emily! There you are! Look, don’t leave! Family emergencies happen all the time. Gabe’s 18th birthday happens once! It was a false alarm! I don’t have to leave! Okay, cool. Where’s Reilly? Reilly is right here! I went to go take a piss! So that’s where I was, just in case you were wondering. Reilly, we gotta go find Gabe. There’s still a chance! A chance for what? Oh, um… …you know, to celebrate his birthday! Ugh… Gabe went outside to take a piss. It’s freezing out there! Okay, cool. He should be back… What, is he taking like a 10-minute piss? We should get him. He’s probably just chilling out or something. I don’t know… maybe he wants to be left alone? It didn’t seem like he was having a
good night… Gabe? Hey, Gabe! Oh my God, Gabe!
Gabe?!? Oh, shit! Is he dead? This isn’t good! This is not good! No shit this isn’t good! Why’d you have to carry the body inside, man? We couldn’t just leave him out in the cold! That’s exactly what we should’ve done! Now the original crime scene’s been disturbed… …and my house has become a secondary location! That’s what you’re worried about? Our friend was just murdered… …and you’re worried about some CSI shit?!? That “CSI shit” is exactly how we’re going to find out who killed Gabe! We should’ve called the police! Reilly, you’re so insensitive!
Give us a chance to mourn! While there’s an axe murderer on the loose? Sweetie, where are your priorities? Did you just call me sweetie? Reilly, why are you being such a dick, man? For all we know, you could be the axe murderer! What? Kayle, Reilly wasn’t in here earlier
when I came back inside. What if he was outside killing Gabe? Dude! All right, if you’re gonna be pointing fingers at anybody… …you should be pointing them at Kayle! He left right after you did
to go looking for you! Come on, man! Emily left first, what if she’s the killer? Psh, Emily? Come on, man! Excuse me? I’m not trying to be mean… …but I could never take the idea
of YOU as a suspect seriously! What’s wrong with Emily? Yeah, why couldn’t you see me killing Gabe? Because physical violence is a man’s sport! And everything about you screams estrogen! So now, I’m going to shift my attention… …over to Kayle! You ass! Yeah, for real, dude! All right, let’s look at the facts. Number one: I’ve never given enough of a shit… …about Gabe to feel compelled to kill him. Number two: You have the personality of a follower… but the ambition of a leader! So… You’ve been spending all this time
following Gabe’s lead… …that naturally, you’re gonna start spending
a lot of time feeling like a little bitch! So you’re bound to snap at some point! On top of that, your first instinct was to not
call the cops when you found Gabe. That was a mistake! I’m going to call them now, and we’re gonna get to the– Aaaahh! Ugh! I thought you were my friend, man! You just had to keep running your mouth, didn’t you? Is this really happening? Yeah, this is happening, Kayle! This bitch just stabbed me! You’re such a misogynistic asshole. You think you know so much about how the way the world works… …but all you are is a loser drunk in his 20’s… …who does nothing but hang out with high school kids! What the hell is wrong with you? There’s a knife in my chest! And that could have been avoided if you had just kept drinking, but no! You had to open your mouth, and you said all the wrong things, buddy! Emily! Shut up, Kayle! You’re next! But why? All I’ve been was nice to you! You spent the whole night trying to get me
to hook up with Gabe! You don’t care about my feelings! How’d she know? Jesus, Kayle! You added me to the group chat… …where you and Gabe planned the whole night! How the hell did you not think I would see that? Seriously, dude? That’s why I killed Gabe! After two years of all his whiny friend-zone bullshit… I couldn’t take it anymore! I used to ruminate about being in
the “friend zone” all the time. And then I realized how stupid that was
and I got over myself! After that, I was finally able to just be friends with girls instead of seeing them as a way
to fulfill my masculine ego. I grew up a lot since I was a freshman! Then why the hell are you so sexist? Because I recognize the flaws of your people! How are you not dead yet? Because this bitch stabbed me with
a pathetic little knife… …when she could have stabbed me with a big, menacing axe… …oh, shit…
It’s not too late for that! Oh, god! I’m starting to feel woozy, man! Emily, please! Too late, pal! Ha-pa-pa-POW!!! What the fuck? Dude, you saved me! How are you still alive? Too much liquor! I’m not-ugh-I didn’t die! I just passed out. Dude, I guess the wound wasn’t lethal after all! It wasn’t lethal at first. I told you girls are ineffectual killers. But it’s lethal now! What? Why? She missed every major artery and vein
when she first stabbed me, but… *coughs* …when I drop-kicked her… …that blade definitely lacerated something. I’m bleeding out, man! Dude! You didn’t need to do that! I’ve always wanted to do that! Drop-kick Emily? Any girl! Any girl… You’re going to hell, man! Ugh! God! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!