Brad Williams Fun Size • Part 1  | LOLflix

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the
stage, Brad Williams! How we feelin’ out there?! Hell yeah, you guys are happy! You guys are psyched! Of course you’re happy. You know right now, your story beats any one
of your friends, no matter what the hell they’re doing tonight. They’ll call you up tomorrow, “Shoulda hung
out with us, man. We went out to a strip club. They had a one arm stripper. She did a cartwheel. It was ridiculous. What kinda lame shit did you do? Oompa Loompa made me laugh. Fuck off. You win. OK? Exactly. You’re happy, but of course you’re happy. You’ve got a little person in front of you
right now. People are always happy when they see midgets. You can’t help it. A lot of you don’t know who I am, don’t know
what TV shows I’ve been on, but I walk on stage, you’re like, “This is gonna be good.” You see a midget, you’re happy! You can’t help it. No one’s ever seen a midget and yelled out,
“Well, now my day has gone to hell.” That does not happen. You see this, you’re smilin’, you’re laughin’,
you know there’s a good shot you got a parade and some candy comin’ your way. You’re happy as hell. Doesn’t matter, you can get fired from your
job, found out your wife is blowin’ some other dude, you walk down the street, you see me,
you’re just, ha ha ha.That’s why we are not using midgets properly in this country. We have normal jobs! We should not have normal jobs! They should be giving midgets to cancer patients. How awesome would that be? Sorry sir, discovered you have cancer. Damn it! Here’s your midget. F yeah! A lot of you didn’t like that joke at first. Then I finished it, you’re like, We will
absolutely support that charity. We will support that. We should do a 5K. We should do a 5K. They’re dwarfs. We should do a 2.5K. We should do a 2.5K. That’s true! I do make people happier. I did a show one time. A woman came up to me after the show and said,
Brad, you’re funny. I run a children’s hospital. I would love it if you came down to the children’s
hospital, entertain the children, brought them some smiles. I say, Yes. That’s perfect. I mean hell, you guys have known me now for
a few minutes and you know my act is perfect for the fuckin’ kids. Right? So I say I’ll do it. I go to the children’s hospital. I’m exaggerating nothing. I walk into that door, a kid walks up to me,
puts his hand on my shoulder and goes, “Don’t worry. They’ll fix you here.” Apparently, you’re not allowed to karate chop
the sick kid, OK? You’re not allowed to do that. Why did they, I’m there on my Saturday, giving
up my free time to help him, he’s gotta piss on my self esteem? It happened over and over again. I was walking down the hospital. There were the, all these kids. I mean, God bless em, they’d be walkin’ around,
draggin’ their oxygen tanks behind em like that. Then they would look up and see me and go,
Jesus! Glad I don’t have that. Oh my God, that would suck. But, I get it. I understand. I understand why people are excited when they
see a little person. I totally get it because when I’m walking
around and I see another little person, I get excited too. I do! Then, you guys see two of us. You get ridiculously excited, you’re like,
Oh my God! There’s two! I hope they do a trick. I really hope they do a trick. I do! I get excited when I see another little person! I’m not thinking about this constantly. It’s not always on my mind. I don’t walk around all day in my head just,
“I’m a midget, I’m a midget, I’m a midget.” I know. If your life had a DVR, you would have all
30 seconds back right there. I get it! So, when I’m walkin’ around, I see the little
person, I get happy. Now, if the other dwarf I see is a male, if
I see a male little person, I get excited. But, at the same time, I know, I have to fight
him. I don’t know why that is. I don’t want to fight him. He doesn’t wanna fight me, but we lock eyes,
we’re like, “It’s go time.” Why? Maybe dwarfs are like Highlanders, like, “There
can be only one.” I don’t know. Now, if I’m walkin’ around and I see another
little person and it happens to be a female, if I see a female little person, I get excited. You guys get quiet. You see two little people come together, you’re
just like, Oh my God! This is like National Geographic channel
come to life. Shh! Don’t say anything. You’ll scare em. It’s his mating season. Now, you would think that that might offend
me. It does not offend me. I’m going to fuck that female little person,
OK? It’s happening. When it comes to dwarf pussy, I am a Dyson
vacuum. I don’t miss a damn thing. It’s happening! But Brad, she’s a woman. She has a choice. What if she doesn’t want to sleep with you? Are you kidding me? I’m in the top five midgets in show business. She’s fucking me, OK? It’s happening. Top five! I’m not number one. I don’t have delusions of grandeur, OK? I know where I am, alright? Number one, Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones. I love that dude. Yeah, exactly. Great show. Number two is this guy named Wee Man from
Jackass. He’s pretty cool. Some of you know who he is. Some of you are just now realizing that I
am not Wee Man from Jackass. You idiot. Number three is a guy named Warwick Davis. He was in a movie called Willow, an HBO show
called Life is Short. There ya go. Number four, that’s me! I’m number four. That’s not bad. And then number five is the chick. Damn it. What the hell is that chicks name? No, the dwarf chick. Oh yeah, Justin Bieber. That is a hot bitch! I wanna do bad things to that woman. She is cute! Obviously, that’s a joke. But, I said that one night at a comedy club
in Hollywood, California. I didn’t know this. Bieber was in the audience that night and
he did not like that joke. He did not like it! He walked up to me after the show. He’s like, “You’re a son of a bitch. Hey, that was not very nice of you to say.” I love that that’s a true story.

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  1. This Cat has a seat at the BIG table along with Burr, Ron White, Nick Dip, Dennis Miller and Owen Benjamin.
    Cutting brilliance and delivery combined with a healthy dose of self-deprecating sarcasm.

  2. I would love to be friends with this dude. How fun would it be to see me (6'5") hangin out in a bar with a funny ass midget? Itd be great.

  3. lol, best/worst ringtone ever "I'mamidgetI'mamidgetI'mamidgetI'mamidget" either the funniest thing ever or a guaranteed eviction.

  4. The beiber joke made me laugh out loud, I'm wearing headphones and my wife looked at my tablet and said. Are you taking the piss out of midgets?!!! 😁

  5. 😂 dragging their oxygen behind them and looking up and see me and are like HESUSE at least I don't have that 😂😂😂

  6. Clicked on this genuinely thinking this was Wee Man.. I’m glad I stayed after seeing him come out and realize he’s not Wee Man. Dude’s actually funnier.

  7. John Stamos has seen a midget and said "Well now my day has gone to hell". Probably didn't help that you humped his leg…

  8. Brad is so funny and positive. Instead of being offended he is just offensive in the best of ways. What a great dude.

  9. Partied with an entire group of midgets/dwarves in New Orleans at Halloween one year…must have been 10-16 of them and they were dressed like Umpa Lumpa's shit was on fire…best fucking time ever!!!

  10. There is nothing sexier than confidence and being funny, intelligent and self aware all at the same time. He is so funny! I'm dead.

  11. I once got picked up by a midget woman at a local bar in Denver. Took her back to my apartment and she fell asleep on my couch.

    Guess they can't drink much alcohol. She woke up in the morning and it was the friend zone after that…..sigh.

  12. This made me laugh so damn hard. Especially when he said he wasn't the guy from Jackass because I honestly thought he was that guy. That was hilariously good.

  13. My boss walked up to me and asked why are you laughing like a fucking goose mate so I showed him and no one is working everyone is laughing and on YouTube…lol

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