Brad Williams Fun Size • Part 2  | LOLflix

I do, ’cause that’s the thing, is my jokes
are a lot of times true stories. People ask me all the time, “Brad, you’re
a comedian. How do you write your material?” I don’t! Here’s how I write jokes. Step one, be a dwarf. Step two, wait. Funny shit’s gonna happen to you. I never know when. It’s not like I look down like, “Oh, three
o’clock. Funny shit’s about to happen.” No, it’s not like that. It just happens randomly. Like, not too long ago, I took my Mom out
to lunch. Now, before I go on with this joke, just know
that my Mom is not a little person like me. And my Dad, not a dwarf. No. I know. We don’t have to all come from the same tribe. You can’t like, drive down the street, be
like, “Which house do the dwarfs live in? “It’s the mushroom with the door in it.” So, my Mom is driving. I’m in the passenger seat. Not a booster. F off. I’m in a normal chair like a big boy. My Mom comes behind this guy and this guy’s
tryin’ to turn down a one-way street, but he’s goin’ the wrong way down the one-way
street and this is causing all sorts of traffic and people are honking getting very upset. My Mom is right behind him. She is polite. She is the prim and proper Southern belle
from Savannah, Georgia and she looks at the guy, she goes, “Uh, excuse me there, sir. “I don’t believe you can make a left hand
turn at this particular intersection.” I know! You hear that, you want lemonade right now! Don’t you? That’s my Mom! And then this guy proceeds to look at my mother
and goes, “Why don’t you shut the f up?” I’m killing you right now, OK? I kill you. You say that to my Mom? That’s my Mom. I love my Mom. She gave birth to me and just so you know,
giving birth to a dwarf is not easy. It’s not like you just sneeze and we fly outta
there, OK? Like, the Doctor isn’t sitting there with
a catchers mitt like, [pff]. No. That doesn’t happen. No! It is very hard to give birth to a little
person. When I was born, my head was about the same
size as it is right now, OK? Do you understand what that means? And my Mom never complained. She never once complained. My Dad, he complains about it all the time. He tells me like, “You realize that was the
first pussy “you ever tore up?” But yeah, that’s my Mom. She gave birth to me. I will defend this woman. I will die for this woman. So, I get outta the car and I start yelling
at this guy. What the hell did you just say? What the hell? Get out here! Get out here, ya son of a bitch! Let’s go asshole! And he gets outta the car and I’m like, “Oh,
shit. This is actually happening right now.” OK uh, this is going to come as a shock to
you people. I don’t know how to fight. No such thing as midget UFC, OK? There should be midget UFC. That would be awesome. Like me and Wee Man in a ball pit at Chuck
E Cheese. Let’s get it on! It’s not. So, I don’t know how to fight. The only fighting I know is stuff I learned
from video games in the 90s. So, this guy’s charging at me and outta some
weird instinct, I just look at him and I go, “Hadouken!” I just say hadouken! Now, for those of you who don’t know what
that is, I will explain. There was a video game in the 90s called Street
Fighter 2, OK? Street Fighter, yeah. There were two characters in that game. They wouldn’t just punch and kick. No. They would yell out “hadouken” and they would
throw a fireball from their hands. A fireball ’cause that might be useful in
a fight. Eh, punch, kick, eh fuck, fireball. It works and that’s why I, I don’t know. Hadouken! And I just yelled it out. You think I’m crazy, but this shows you how
much people don’t know about little people. I yelled out hadouken. This guy flinched and then like, ran away. He ran away! Do you understand what that means? That means that when I yelled out hadouken,
this guy thought, Well, he is a dwarf. He can probably throw a fireball. I’m bookin’ it. At that point, I would give all my money. All my money to be there when this guy told
his friends this story. No bro, you have no idea what happened to me, man. I yelled at this woman today. She got pissed off. She had a button on her car. An attack midget just like ran out of her
car like that. It attacked and it starts throwin’ fireballs
at me. I block it and like, dodge and do that. I didn’t even know they had attack midgets. I have seen every episode of MTV Cribs. You never saw 50 Cent like, Yo, this my Mercedes and it comes with a motha fn’ attack midget right there. It never happened. And you would assume that for Mercedes or
BMW, sure. But, based on what I saw today, let me tell
ya right now. Kia has stepped their game up! I don’t know! I don’t know when these things are gonna happen. Common, everyday activities can turn into
crazy stories at any time. I was having lunch not too long ago, one of
my best friends, Adam, and we’re at a McDonald’s. I know. I’ve made it in show business. And, now this particular McDonald’s had a
play place attached to it, alright? Me and Adam are just sittin’ there. We’re talkin’. All of a sudden, this kid, I don’t know if
he thought that I was threatening his hood or like, invading his turf, but he just runs
outta the play place. He’s got a ball from the ball pit, sees me
and just hucks this and pssh, nails me right in the head. Can’t miss this son of a bitch, OK? So I pop up, like what the hell? I see it’s a kid. I don’t care. I have street cred. I gotta defend myself. I’m goin’ after the kid. I start walkin’ after him. Now, Adam, my friend, he’s a tall guy, but
he essentially works for me, so he’s like, “Alright, I guess we’re beatin’ up seven-year-olds
today”, and he started walkin’ after him. Now, this particular play place must have
had an incident of some kind because they had a security guard and he sees Adam coming
towards me. He’s like, “Hey, you can’t come in here.” Then he looks at me, he’s like, “Yeah, you
can come on in here, that’s cool.” I’m not offended. I just got the green light to whoop some ass. So, I went in the play place. I look around. I see the kid. But, the other kids that are there in the
play place, they see me walkin’, they start clapping and cheering and getting all happy. I’m like, “what the heck?” And then I realize, they think I’m a new mascot. Like, there’s the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald
and now there’s the McNugget midget apparently. Imma make it rain sweet n’ sour sauce. Ya know? And now, they’re clappin’ but I see the kid
and he sees me. We lock eyes and he turns around and he runs
up the slide. Now, he’s in the tubes ’cause he thinks he’s
safe in the tubes. You dumb fuck. You are not safe in those tubes. I am 4’4″. I can run in those tubes, OK? I get in the tubes. I’m Super Mario. He got the star. [imitating theme song] I’m good. So, I run up the tube. I see the kid. I run right up to him. I grab him. I start draggin’ him out by his little Stride
Rite, OK? I’m draggin’ him out. Yes, I know what Stride Rite’s are. I sometimes have to wear them myself. OK? Not all the time. Sometimes, you guys get sexy shoes. You guys got real sexy shoes tonight. These are good. I don’t always wear these. Sometimes, I gotta do shows and I got lights
blinkin’ from my shit. Not that sexy. Now, I’m yelling at the kid. Why’d you throw the ball at me? That was not very nice. You don’t do that. As I’m yelling at him, the kids Dad comes
running up behind me, pissed off. I don’t see the Dad. I’m just yelling at the kid, but Adam, my
friend, he sees the Dad. He does what any good guy friend would do. He goes, “Let’s see what happens here.” The Dad runs up, grabs me by the shoulder
hard, whips me around, sees my face and goes, “I was not expecting that.” Like, what were you expecting? I don’t know, like, I think he thought I was
a kid, then when he whipped me around, saw my beard, it was like, “I was not expecting
that.” It’s like, I’m 30. You shouldn’t say that to another man. The only time you should say that is if you’re
makin’ out with a chick, you pull off her skirt, she’s got a dick. I was not expecting that. So now, the Dad’s in this weird circumstance. He looks at me. He looks at his kid. He looks at me. He looks back at his kid. He goes, “I can do nothin’ for ya, boy,” and
he starts walking off. That’s when I know I’ve won. I got away with it. And this Dad wanted to hit me. He wanted to hit me, but you can’t punch a
dwarf. You punch a dwarf, that’s a hate crime. Alright? I got away with it. That’s the best part about being a little
person. The best part is that you can get away with
stuff. I get away with stuff all the time because
I’m adorable. If you’re cute, you can do things. I can steal and it’s fine. It’s fine. I’ve done it! I was at a grocery store not too long ago. I was there with my buddy. He dared me to steal something. Your buddy dares you to do something, you
gotta do it. So, I go to the cookie aisle. I get a crapload of Keebler cookies. I put em on my shoulder and I just start walkin’
out of that place with the Keebler cookies. Now, this little 17-year-old clerk sees me,
he walks up, he’s like, “Uh, excuse me, sir. Are you gonna pay for those? And like a boss, I just look at this guy,
I go, Nah, bro, my family makes these. It’s cool, He let me go! Let me go! Of course he let me go. In his mind, he’s like, Yeah, he’s here doing
quality control. I can’t stop that from happening.

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  1. Make fun of me all you want small man, I'm still pretty sure that midgets can throw fireballs. P.s. tell your mom I'm sorry for the language.

  2. Damn I literally fell down and rolled on the floor during this. Oh man. AN ATTACK MIDGET…….. HAHAHA. Hadouken…. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ;D

  3. Hey Brad, if you're reading this, (and what i'm about to say is totally sincere no-joke at all, no offense intended) here's some advice you may already know: if you want to scare even the tallest toughest dudes on the planet just get a switch blade, man. The "midget/dwarf with-a-switch-blade" comedy cliche is a legitimately terrifying concept to most big guys 'cause you're right there at ball-level. I have a friend whose 6' 2" ex military and dwarves and midgets terrify him in that context.

  4. In the mid 1900s there was a midget wrestling show… thouhh it ended afyer season one because they all killed eachother in a drunken fight…..

  5. I am a Clark at a grocery store where weird shit happens all the time I would have just let him take it too😂😂😂

  6. If Capcom don't create a dwarf character for street Fighter VI and have this guy voice his english voice, I'd call that a waste of a character slot.

  7. I didn't think I'd EVER say this butttt He's Very Sexy to me for a Little Person… That facial hair his smile his teeth and his personality and the ability to tell a story while keeping us engaged is awsome, butttt the Best part he'll slap you silly if you talk about his Mama 😊😍

  8. YEEEEEES!🔥😁😂😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣☠😇🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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