Brad Williams Fun Size • Part 4  | LOLflix


It’s fun to travel, man. It’s fun, thankfully to have a cool job where
I get to travel for a living and perform. And the most rewarding time I ever had in
my life was not too long ago. I got to perform in the Middle East for the
soldiers. I did a USO tour over there. It was the best. Soldiers are the best audiences. They don’t give a crap about political correctness. They just want you to laugh. They want you to be honest. They want you to be true. They have to have a good sense of humor. You do a job that serious, you have to have
a good sense of humor. I get off the C130 plane in Afghanistan. Group of five soldiers there to meet me. They walk up like, Mr. Williams, we’re so
happy you’re here. I’m like, F-k yeah, you guys wanna laugh,
right?” They’re like, Nah, you’re a midget. We wanna do some fun shit with you. Oh. Right, like was there a meeting the day before? Like some Commanding Officer is on stage,
We have a dwarf coming on base tomorrow. We need some ideas for some fun shit to do. Henderson, whatcha got? Do we have any large cannons? Good idea, Henderson. I ask em, I’m like, Guys, what sorta fun
shit you wanna do?” They say, We wanna take you on a Blackhawk
helicopter. I’m like yes. I’m going on that. And I tell that to my friends and they’re
like, Brad, weren’t you scared? No. You have to understand who I am. The life I’ve lived. I’m the guy that, when I go to Six Flags,
I can’t ride half of their shit. And now, the US Government just said, ya see
that death machine? Do you wanna hop on? Erection. I’m good. So, we go to fly in a Blackhawk helicopter. Now, before you fly on one of these things,
they don’t just let you go. They have to put gear on you. They put a helmet and a vest. Apparently, there’s not a lot of midgets in
the military. Helmets and vests are not made by Osh Kosh. They’re not made by Osh Kosh. First of all, the guy brings me out a helmet. He assumes that because I’m a little person,
I have a tiny head. Wrong. I do not have a tiny head. I have a big fucking head. OK? I don’t have dreams. I have movies. OK? So, they bring out this little helmet. They’re pulling it on my head. It doesn’t fit. They’re pulling it down. It doesn’t fit. They have to get an extender strap for the
chin and buckle it and buckle it and buckle it. Now the chin fits. That doesn’t change the size of the helmet. The helmet is still sitting on top of my head,
not protecting shit. It’s not even a helmet at this point. It is a war yamaka. I’m thinkin’ to myself, great, I’m going into
a country that has a lot of pissed off Muslims and they dressed me like GI Jew. This is gonna go well. Thank you, smart people, for laughing at that
joke. Some of you got it. Some of you guys are like, “Wait, Jews and
Muslims “don’t get along?” Kill yourself, alright? End it. Nobody likes you. So now, they get the helmet to fit. Now, they bring out the vest. Now the vest would be a vest on any one of
you nice people. On me, this was a bulletproof moo-moo. OK? This thing went down below my knees, below
my knees and they told me, Run to the helicopter.” I’m like alright, I’m gonna run to the helicopter. I’m gonna look like a badass. I did not look like a badass. I looked like a f-kin’ penguin. Like, I was running like that shit the entire
time. 100 yards. 100 yards of this. The only thing that was missing was Morgan
Freeman narrating the damn thing and his, “And now we see the little people make their
way to the Blackhawk helicopter.” As I’m running, I trip and fall in the middle
of the runway. I know. I could end the joke right there if I wanted
to. Dwarf down. Hilarious. As I’m laying down, one of the soldiers yells
at me, Mr. Williams, you’ve gotta get up! This area is surrounded by snipers. If you stay down, one of them is gonna take
you out. Not scared. No. Not scared of snipers. Two reasons. One, damn near impossible shot, OK? Two, you’re not even gonna get the shot off. Could you imagine? You’re a sniper. You’re up in the hills, been there for days. You’re scanning for the enemy and all of a
sudden, you come across me. You’re just up there like, “OK, where the
American? I kill the American.” Where the American? I kill the American. Where the American? I kill the American. Gasp Achmed, get the f-k over here right
now, Achmed. Achmed, get the f-k over here right now. You have no idea what I am looking at right
now, Achmed. No idea. If I were to describe to you what I am looking at right now, I would only be able to describe it … as happiness. I am looking at happiness right now, Achmed. When I die, f-k the 72 virgins. I want one of those. So, now I get up, make my way to the Blackhawk
helicopter. Now, Blackhawk helicopter is about yay high. Alright? I can’t get in that. I’m wearing the moo-moo vest, OK? I look at the soldier. I’m like, Hey bro, can you help me out? He says, No problem. Pulled a lever, little handicap helper step
flies out. Sweet, except for the helper step was about
that frickin’ high. Still can’t get in. I had to ask this soldier to do something
that I swore, as a little person, I would never ask anyone to do, ever. I look at him like, Alright bro. You’re gonna have to toss me. And the smile he got on his face, like, This
is what I signed up for! And he grabs me and he could have just thrown
me in, real quick and it would’ve been done, but no. He had to enjoy himself. He picks me up, he just goes, One… two… Ass-hoo He finally picks me up, he tosses me in. I get in, sit down, buckle up. Good to go. But, before we start flyin’, pilot turns around. Pilot has a little speech for us. And this is the speech that I hear right before
I take my first helicopter flight in Afghanistan. Pilot looks at us and goes, Alright, Mr.
Williams. This is Bagram Air Force base, Afghanistan. Some shit goes on here. We don’t anticipate anything to happen,
but something might happen and we do have to prepare you for such a scenario. What sometimes occurs, these particular
helicopters, they get fired upon by something called RPG, rocket propelled grenade. You might know it as a bazooka. If this is to happen, you’ll hear the words
fire in the hole, followed by our machine gunner on board return fire. If you hear our gun go off, it is no longer
a combat simulation. It is a real live war scenario with real
live consequences.” We will do everything in our power to keep
you alive.” We will do some evasive maneuvers. You will curl up in a fetal position. You’ll be fine. I stopped listening after you said bazooka. Now I’m scared. Now I’m terrified. But, I can’t show fear. I’m on a helicopter with a bunch of 18 and
19-year-old badass Marines. I can’t be a 30-year-old man like, I don’t
think this is a good idea. Can’t do that. So I’m like, Alright Brad, just shut up,
and try to be cool. I’m glad I had that attitude ’cause we took
off, Oh my God, this was so much fun. We start flying over the base. Soldiers are describing the base to me, the
function of the buildings. I’m crackin’ jokes. They’re laughin’. We’re having a great time. Then we flew outside of the base and you wanna
know what happens when a Blackhawk helicopter flies outside of the base? You have to test fire the machine gun to make
sure it works. They didn’t tell me that. No. They told me you hear the gun go off, kiss
your ass goodbye. That’s what I heard. So, we get outside the base, outta nowhere,
you just hear, “Fire in the hole!” [machine, blaw, blaw, blaw… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I had my first period right there on the damn
helicopter. I was lookin’ around like I hope Kotex comes
in camouflage. This is a heavy flow day. I had fun there, man. I had fun. I learned a lot. Learned a lot. I thought we only had American troops over
there. Not the case. We have a lot of different soldiers from a
lot of different countries over there. I got to meet and talk to these brave young
men and women. And oh man, ladies, now I know what you mean
when you say you love accents ’cause, yeah. I talked to this one British soldier
for like an hour and I’m just staring at him like, Don’t ask, don’t tell. And it was that sexy British accent, that
South London, Jason Stathem type British accent. Oh my God. Ladies, you could be on a date tonight, but
if some guy taps you on the shoulder, you turn around and all you hear is, “Hey, I was
looking at you from across the room. I thought to myself, there’s a pretty good
lookin’ bird right there. Let me tell you what. I’ve got a BMW 325i parked outside. We can go out there, shag you rotten and back
here in 30 minutes. That’s why they call me the Transporter, bitch.” By the way, Guys, I just preheated every oven
in the room. You’re welcome. That’s a sexy accent. Now, just because you have an accent, do not
think it is automatically sexy. There is a hierarchy to these things, OK? British, up here. Australian, up here. Indian, not the same. Ladies, you’re not gonna have the same reaction
if you turn around and all you see is, Excuse me, my little delicate desert flower. I was looking at you from across the room
and might I say, you are so exquisitely beautiful that if you were to be in my country, you
would be more sacred than a cow. Oh yes. Oh yes. I would like to do some bad things to you,
I would. If it were up to me, I would take you home,
spread your legs and I would eat you like curry. Yes, I would like to. What? I can not talk dirty to a woman just because
I am Indian. Let me tell you something. I can talk dirty. I will say some filthy things. I want to bend you over, grab your head and
whisper something soft and sexy in your ear like, Who’s your customer service representative? Who’s your customer service representative? You want me put on hold? I will put you on hold!” The only good part is that once he finishes
up, he’s like, Thank you. Come again.

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Comments

  1. 10:11 I lauded so hard the Blackhawk helicopter probably thought that I was a Rocket Powered Grenade heading toward them.
    Edit: *laughed, because I have the IQ of a toddler and don't know how to spell.

  2. I gotta tell you, I usually chuckle at stand-up, but very rarely am I cracking up like this. You sir are one talented f*cker!

  3. "I'm the guy, when I go to Six Flags, I can't ride half of THEIR shit..and now the US government just said "You see that death machine?…you wanna hop on?"..(erection)… 'I'm like "I'm good!' Bam! (that's me falling outta my chair…)
    Brad, my MAN! New fan, right here! Never heard of you before tonight, found you by accident, but you got a new fan right the fuck NOW!!!! Sub…DING!!!
    PS I hate to add to things, but I';m gonna do it anyway, on the off chance that someday you see this post.
    Listen to me, Brad (I'm more than twice as old as you are so I have the right to tell you to LISTEN TO ME" (lol)
    Mark Twain said it best: "A comedian is not a man who says funny things, a comedian is a man who says things funny!" Your entire routine demonstrates that you have THE GIFT! You are a GREAT comedian! I wish I'd found you sooner! Regardless, you have a new fan, and I wish you ALL the best!

  4. As a british guy (im bi btw) a guy with that voice like that is not attractive that is a ugly accent. He was spot on tho. Could an american explain why thats a attrative accent?

  5. 5:45 is when I use to say when I threw my ex in the pool she didnt like it lol apparently a black lady who just got her hair did cant have water on her hair. 7:37 was her response to me after that moment lol

  6. 4:04 they were talking about cover snipers, if they see a weird anomaly a person laying down for example. They need to take it out to ensure the safety of the base.

  7. If i was a sniper and i saw a small person running and trip in the middle of the runway i would die from laughter

  8. There you go with the labels that ain't true that Jewish and Muslims don't get along" it just the fact that Palestinians in general whether they're Muslims Christians or Catholics, don't get along with the state of Terror the Zionist entity called "Israel" has nothing to do with Jewish the Jewish brothers and sisters their beloved all over the world Jewish don't even like zionists: that's where the misconception when you say Muslims you generalize there's two billion Muslims all over the world so be careful when you make the generalization crap!!

  9. This guy is hilarious: he knows how to take advantage of his height for comedic effect. That could've easily been a one-trick pony, but no, he uses other jokes too, that are equally hilarious.

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