Congressional Correspondents Dinner Presentation


TONIGHT. ESPECIALLY SENATOR PAUL FOR JUST
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FRENZY. WHIPPING EVERYBODY INTO A I APPRECIATE THAT. DID ALL OF MY JOKES, MAN, ALL OF MY JOKES. JUST BURN RIGHT THROUGH THAT “A” MATERIAL. I APPRECIATE THAT. OH, MAN. WHOO! THANKS, PETER, FOR INVITING ME. I APPRECIATE IT. NO, LARRY, NO, NO, NO, THE PRESIDENT’S GOING TO BE THERE. IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT. THANKS. IT’S NICE TO BE AT THE CONGRESSIONAL CORRESPONDENTS DINNER. FORMALLY KNOWN AS THE RADIO AND
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NICE. TELEVISION JOURNALISTS DINNER. I LIKE HOW YOU DID THAT. IT’S NICE. AS A BLACK MAN, I’M FROM A GROUP THAT TENDS TO CHANGE ITS NAME A LOT.
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SO, WELL DONE. WELL DONE.
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I THINK WE’RE AFRICAN-AMERICANS NOW. I’M NOT SURE. IT’S HARD TO KEEP — WE CHANGE OUR NAME SO MUCH. WE WERE — OKAY, WE WERE FIRST, LIKE, NEGRO, THEN WE WERE COLORED, RIGHT? THEN WE WERE BLACK. THEN WE WERE AFRO AFRO, WE WERE NAMED AFTER A HAIRSTYLE, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? WHITE PEOPLE NEVER CALLED
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THAT’S TRUE. THEMSELVES BEEHIVE AMERICANS, BLACK AGAIN, RIGHT? THEN AMERICANS OF AFRICAN DESCENT. THAT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. THAT’S TRYING TOO HARD, RIGHT? THEN BLACK AGAIN. THEN PEOPLE OF COLOR. THAT WAS KIND OF NICE. ALTHOUGH JOHN BOEHNER’S A PERSON OF COLOR SO — THAT’S A LITTLE TOO INCLUSIVE, RIGHT? AND THEN BLACK AGAIN, NAPPY-HEADED HOS, JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF YOU’RE AWAKE. JUST CHECKING. IT’S A HORRIBLE JOKE. BUT FOR ME, I GO BY BLACK. DO YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T HAVE
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AFRICA. ANY ROMANTIC CONNECTIONS TO I WASN’T BORN IN AFRICA LIKE THE PRESIDENT, I WAS BORN — HEY, HE’S NOT HERE. I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE. NOT LIKE HE WASN’T INVITED. NOT LIKE I DIDN’T TELL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. HE’S GOT A LOT ON HIS PLATE, LIBYA, RIGHT? I UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW? MAYBE HE THOUGHT BY COMING TO THE CONGRESSIONAL CORRESPONDENTS DINNER, IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE HE’S CONSULTING CONGRESS, I DON’T KNOW. BUT, NO, BUT I DON’T HAVE THAT CONNECTION WITH — AFRICA JUST MAKES ME THINK HOT, RIGHT?
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HOT. YEAH. AND THINGS THAT MIGHT EAT ME. AND BROTHERS WHO SPEAK FRENCH, WHICH I DON’T THINK IS IN GOD’S PLAN, SERIOUSLY. I DON’T THINK SO. RIGHT? I MEAN, AND I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, IF I WANT TO BE AROUND BROTHERS I CAN’T UNDERSTAND IN AN UNBEARABLY HOT ENVIRONMENT WHERE MY ANCESTORS ONCE ROAMED, I’LL GO TO THE CHECK CASHING PLACE, THERE’S ALREADY A PLACE. NO, YOU’LL GET SOME ON THE WAY HOME, TOO, THAT’S ALL RIGHT. BUT WE ARE FASCINATED WITH RACE, AREN’T WE? WE’RE SO FASCINATED BY IT. RACE IS SUCH A FASCINATING TOPIC. EVEN PERSONALLY, LIKE, PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME WHAT I’M MIXED WITH, BECAUSE I’M LIGHT SKINNED, THEY DO, THEY GO ARE YOU — THEY ALWAYS MAKE THAT FACE, ARE YOU — MIXED WITH SOMETHING? NOW I JUST TELL PEOPLE, LOOK, IF I WAS A BEER, I’D BE A NEGRO LIGHT, OKAY? AND I AM A THIRD LESS ANGRY THAN THE REGULAR NEGRO, SO, YEAH, JUST KIND OF — BUT WE’RE FASCINATED. RACE IS SO FASCINATING TO PEOPLE.
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YOU KNOW, EVEN WITHIN THE RACE, YOU KNOW? WHEN I WAS A KID, BROTHERS WOULD SAY I DIDN’T TALK BLACK. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. I THOUGHT, WELL, I’M BLACK.
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AND I’M TALKING. RIGHT? ERGO, I’M TALKING BLACK. I MEAN. I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN NOW LIKE BLACK SLANG, YOU KNOW? LIKE SOMEHOW BLACK SLANG, YOU KNOW, IS THE MARKER FOR TRUE AUTHENTICITY. I MEAN, I NEVER HEARD MARTIN LUTHER KING SAY YO YO, YO, I GOT A DREAM, BITCHES. HE WAS BLACK. SORRY, KIDS, DON’T REPEAT THAT JOKE. DON’T DO IT. IT WON’T BE GOOD. BUT THE BLACK GUY SAID IT WAS OKAY. NO, NO, NO. IN FACT, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID IT WAS THE ELECTION OF OBAMA SHOWS THAT AMERICA’S NOT RACIST ANYMORE. I DON’T KNOW IF I AGREE WITH THAT. I MEAN, IF WE HAD ELECTED FLAVA FLAVE, I MEAN, THAT WOULD SHOW WE’RE PASSED, YOU KNOW — NO BECAUSE OBAMA THAT IS A COMFORTABLE LEVEL OF BLACK. BE HONEST, PEOPLE. BE HONEST, WHITE PEOPLE, YOU ARE VERY COMFORTABLE WITH THAT LEVEL. THAT’S THE WILL SMITH, OPRAH LEVEL OF BLACK, RIGHT? BE HONEST. BE HONEST. BUT FLAVA, THAT IS A VERY UNSETTLING LEVEL OF BLACK, I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. I AM UNCOMFORTABLE. AT THAT LEVEL OF BLACK. I WOULD PREFER HE DIAL IT DOWN, I WOULD. IT’S TOUGH, MAN, BEING PRESIDENT, IT’S GOT TO BE TOUGH,
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NOW. YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY’S ON OBAMA BOTH SIDES. HURRY UP. FIX THE ECONOMY. THE ECONOMY’S THE BIG ISSUE, RIGHT?
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WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG? YOU KNOW. WHY CAN’T IT GO FASTER.
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FASTER? WHY CAN’T YOU FIX THE ECONOMY YOU KNOW, FAST IS NOT OBAMA’S STYLE, RIGHT? THEY’RE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SPEED IN KENYA, RIGHT? THEY’RE LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS. HE’S NOT HERE! ALL RIGHT? THAT JOKE DOESN’T GO IF HE’S HERE.
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ALL NIGHT. THEN I MAKE FUN OF BEN QUAYLE THAT’S HOW IT GOES. MAYBE WHEN THEY SAID THE SENIOR BLACK CORRESPONDENT WAS GOING TO
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BE HERE, THEY THOUGHT THEY MEANT JUAN WILLIAMS.
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I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE REASON IS. IS JUAN HERE TONIGHT? OH, MAN. BUT, YOU KNOW, LET ME ADDRESS THAT ISSUE ABOUT BIRTHBIRTHERS.
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DO WE HAVE ANY BIRTHERS HERE TONIGHT?
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COME ON, NOW. YEAH, RIGHT. I ACTUALLY HAVE A THEORY ABOUT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS OR PEOPLE LIKE BIRTHERS, TRUTHERS, BIG FOOT, WHATEVER, YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS, YOU KNOW, DEMAND EVIDENCE FOR THE OBVIOUS BUT THEN THEY EXPECT YOU TO SWALLOW THE PREPOSTEROUS,
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IT’S TRUE. RIGHT? THINK ABOUT THAT, LIKE, WITH OBAMA, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT’S OBVIOUS THAT HE WAS BORN IN HAWAII, RIGHT? BECAUSE HE SAID SO. I TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, RIGHT? BUSH SAID HE WENT TO COLLEGE. I TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD, RIGHT? I DID.
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BUT THEY NEED EVIDENCE, YOU KNOW? WHAT ABOUT HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE, THAT’S A CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH. IT’S NOT A BIRTH CERTIFICATE. WHAT ABOUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE PAPER? THEY CALLED THAT IN FROM KENYA. WHAT? PEOPLE SAY THIS. BUT THEN THEY EXPECT US TO SWALLOW THE PREPOSTEROUS, LIKE HE’S A SECRET MUSLIM. A SECRET MUSLIM? FIRST OF ALL, IT’S IMPOSSIBLE
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ALL THE PORK IN THE BUDGET, FOR OBAMA TO BE A MUSLIM WITH THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. LET ALONE A SECRET MUSLIM. HOW ARE YOU IN THE CLOSET FOR ALLAH? I DON’T UNDER THAT. HE’S THE PRESIDENT. HE’S GOING TO SNEAK PRAYING FIVE TIMES A DAY? OOP, DROPPED MY CONTACT LENS. RIGHT? I’LL GET IT, MR. PRESIDENT. NO, I GOT IT. LA LA LA LA LA. A LITTLE WHILE, OOP, DROPPED ANOTHER ONE.
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HA LA LA LA LA LA LA. LA LA LA LA. A SECRET MUSLIM. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, RIGHT? AND EVEN THE LEFT IS UPSET WITH OBAMA, YOU KNOW, PROGRESSIVES ARE DISAPPOINTED, MATT DAMON’S DISAPPOINTED.
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IT’S TOUGH, MAN. RIGHT? IT’S THEIR OWN FAULT. I THINK THEY PROJECTED SO MUCH ON OBAMA, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK HE’S LIKE THAT. I MEAN, THEY MADE HIM INTO, LIKE, A PROPHET, LIKE HE’S A GREEK GOD, BARACK OPOLAPOLLO OBAMA. HE GOT A PEACE PRIZE. EVEN OBAMA LOOKED EMBARRASSED BEFORE HE ACCEPTED IT, RIGHT? THAT’S LIKE GIVING AWAY THE MVP AWARD WHEN THEY’RE IN TRAINING. AND THEN YOU ARE MAD WHEN THEY ARE ONLY BATTING .220 AT THE ALL-STAR BREAK. AT LEAST REPUBLICANS WAITED UNTIL REAGAN WAS LONG GONE BEFORE THEY TURNED HIM INTO A MESSIAH, RIGHT? NOBODY REMEMBERS THE ’80s. REAGAN WAS GREAT. RIGHT? NOBODY REMEMBERS. I THOUGHT YOU HATED HIM. NO. HUH-UH. I GUESS. HE WAS GREAT. THEN THEY TRY TO GET ME ON THE TRAIN WITH HIM. LARRY, AREN’T YOU DISAPPOINTED WITH OBAMA? HEALTH CARE, LARRY. LET ME JUST CLEAR SOMETHING UP. I VOTED FOR OBAMA BECAUSE HE’S BLACK, OKAY?
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ALL RIGHT? I DON’T HAVE DISAPPOINTMENT ISSUES. RIGHT? AS LONG AS HE KEEPS BEING BLACK. HE’S DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB! ACTUALLY, NO, I ACTUALLY HAVE — I ACTUALLY HAVEN’T, BUT WHAT THE HELL, LET’S DO IT ANYWAY. I BELIEVE — NO, THIS IS TRUE. I BELIEVE WHEN YOU’RE VOTING FOR THE FIRST, LIKE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, I THINK YOU SHOULD
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GET A PASS. YOU SHOULD. NOBODY WAS MAD AT THE CATHOLICS WHEN THEY VOTED FOR KENNEDY, YOU KNOW, FIRST CATHOLIC PRESIDENT, MAKING HISTORY. NOBODY WAS MAD AT WOMEN, RIGHT, VOTING FOR HILLARY, COULD HAVE
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BEEN THE FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT, MAKING HISTORY. I DON’T HAVE TO AGREE WITH ALL OF OBAMA’S POLICIES. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE! I DON’T. IF IT WAS COLIN POWELL, I WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR HIM. WHATEVER BROTHER GOT THE
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NOMINATION WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MY VOTE. EXCEPT ALAN KEYES, WHEW. EVEN THINKS HE’S CRAZY. THAT’S CRAZY. I’M CRAZY.
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PASS. WHOEVER’S FIRST SHOULD GET A I JUST THINK THAT. NOW, THE SECOND BROTHER TO RUN, HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO SHOW ME SOMETHING. CHANGE I CAN BELIEVE IN. YOU BETTER BE MORE SPECIFIC, BROTHER. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. AND BELIEVE ME, WHEN WE GET THE FIRST HISPANIC NOMINEE, I DON’T CARE WHAT PARTY, THEY’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE TO GO COURTING THE LATINO VOTE, RIGHT? BUCKLE UP, WHITE PEOPLE, BECAUSE THAT DAY IS COMING, RIGHT? OH, YEAH. AND GOOD LUCK FINDING ANY OF THOSE BIRTH CERTIFICATES, I’M TELLING YOU.
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OH, NO. OH, YEAH. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO. OH, NO. RIGHT? THIS IS NOT EVEN IN ENGLISH, I CAN’T READ THIS.
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OH, I’M GOING TO GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, BOY. WHAT THE HECK. BUT, I KNOW, IT’S TOUGH FOR THE PRESIDENT, ALL THE THINGS HAPPENING IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
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REVOLUTIONS, YOU KNOW? WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED ALL THESE ALTHOUGH I WONDER WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ALL THESE DEPOSED DICTATORS? WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO GO? IN MY MIND THERE’S ONLY ONE PLACE WHERE A BUNCH OF NARCISSE NARCISSISTIC EXDICTATEKEX-DICTATORS CAN GO, CABLE, RIGHT? BY JULY WE’LL SEE “THE REAL DICTATORS OF THE MIDDLE EAST” RIGHT? I CLEARLY PUT MY INITIS ON THE HUMMUS. MUBARAK WAS THE ONLY ONE ELSE HOME. NOW MY HUMMUS IS GONE. WHAT UP WITH DAT? YOU KNOW, GADHAFI ACTS LIKE HE’S THE ONLY DICTATOR IN THE HOUSE. EXCUSE ME, COLONEL, THE FLOOR IS NOT A HAMPER, OKAY? I’M NOT SURE WHAT ACCENT I WAS DOING THERE. I HAVE NO IDEA. YOU GUYS CAN FIGURE IT OUT. I DO GET THE PRESS A LOT OF CREDIT FOR DECIPHERING THINGS THAT POLITICIANS SAY. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NEWT GINGRICH SAYS, WHETHER HE’S FOR OR — DO YOU KNOW WHAT, HE’S EITHER COMPLETELY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS OR HE’S ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN HE HATES OBAMA, RIGHT? IT’S GOT TO BE ONE OF THE TWO. BUT I GIVE YOU GUYS A LOT OF CREDIT JUST FOR FIGURING THINGS OUT, YOU KNOW? OBAMA’S NOT THAT TOUGH. FOR ME, MY PROBLEM WITH OBAMA — BESIDES NOT BEING HERE. MY PROBLEM WITH OBAMA — I EVEN BROUGHT MY CAMERA. UH-HUH. TO GO TO A CUT-OUT AT THE MALL. NO, I WAS THERE, KIDS. I WAS THERE. BUT MY PROBLEM WITH OBAMA IS THAT HE JUST TAKES TOO LONG TO GET TO THE POINT, YOU KNOW? LIKE WHEN HE’S SPEAKING OFF THE CUFF, IF YOU ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTS FOR BREAKFAST, UH, UH, AHH, BREAKFAST, UH, THERE WAS A, A, SOME SORT OF A DECKORATIVEDECORATIVE, UH, PLATE. FINISH YOUR THOUGHT, MAN, I’M HUNGRY! JUST TELL ME, YOU KNOW? BECAUSE BUSH WOULD HAVE SAID EGGS, HA HA HA. POP-TARTS. WELL, I KNOW IT’S BEEN A LONG NIGHT. I JUST WANTED TO SAY YOU GUYS HAVE REALLY BEEN GREAT, AND I
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DO. REALLY ADMIRE THE WORK THAT YOU AND I’M HONORED TO BE HERE TONIGHT TO PERFORM FOR YOU, AND ALSO I’M HONORED TO BE A FAKE ONE OF YOU. SO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND HAVE A GOOD EVENING. THANK YOU. LARRY WILMORE, EVERYONE, FROM “THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART.” BUT, WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

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Comments

  1. Are you kidding? This guy KILLED. KILLED! And played to the crowd beautifully! Humble, well, fake humble, and sharp as a knife. Well done!

  2. Definitely his delivery not as smooth as Colbert. There are too many times when he has awkward pauses; taking too long to get to the point. Will need a lot of practice if he his going to match Colbert's smoothness and wit.   

  3. @Tim Liao (because you turned off your reply function):  I don't think the point is for Wilmore to mimic anything about Colbert anymore than Colbert mimicked Stewart.  Larry has his own cadence, his own POV, and will create a show which reflects his strengths and style.

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