Coogan Auto Ep. 6 of 6 – Randy scores a date with Tawny Kitaen


[MUSIC PLAYING] TONY: Whew, oh shit. DEL: Tony, what are
you doing man? We got cars to sell
around here. What are you looking at? TONY: Check this shit out. DEL: That’s Tawny Kitaen. Tawny Kitaen’s on the lot. TONY: Shit, that is
Tawny Kitaen. Whoa. DEL: Whoever made that woman,
man, must have been jerking off when he did. TONY: Wouldn’t you love to
just stuff your face in that butt hole? JERRY COOGAN: You two done
sucking each other’s dicks? I got a car lot to run here. DEL: Man, we got a full-spread
barbecue going on over here, man. Get your ass over here and
get a slice of this motherfucking rib. JERRY COOGAN: Good Jesus,
that’s Tawny Kitaen. That’s Tawny. RANDY THOMAS: You guys
talking about Jesus? JERRY COOGAN: Sort of, I mean
look what he created, eh? RANDY THOMAS: Oh, that’s
Tawny Kitaen. I’m having feelings right now
I shouldn’t be having. JERRY COOGAN: Haha, even
the kid’s got a boner. RANDY THOMAS: When I was a
teenager, my parents wouldn’t allow me any lascivious material
in the household. But there was a billboard of her
right outside my window. I’ll never forget it. JERRY COOGAN: All right,
time for the master to weave his magic. DEL: Don’t waste
your time, man. TONY: Whoa, whoa. JERRY COOGAN: What? TONY: Finders keepers, I
saw her first, Jerr. DEL: Tawny’s going to need some
of this Del chocolate dick souffle. JERRY COOGAN: All right, sounds
like we got ourselves a little contest. Here’s how this is
going to go down. Everybody gets a shot
with Tawny, OK? Whoever closes the deal proves
to everybody else that they’re just a bunch of jerk-offs who
don’t deserve the dicks they were born with, agreed? TONY: Ahh. DEL: Haha. RANDY THOMAS: I mean, I
would go first if you guys wanted me to. JERRY COOGAN: Ohh, ahh,
look at this– little lamb wants to join
the wolf pack, huh? DEL: Looks like we got
ourselves a contest. Let’s do this, baby. [THEME SONG – TOMMY FIELDS] JERRY COOGAN: Oh Goddess
of Pleasure, please. I don’t ask you for much,
but I’m asking today. Please let me bang
Tawny Kitaen. [KNOCKING] VIP: Jerry. [KNOCKING] VIP: Jerr. JERRY COOGAN: Just a second. [KNOCKING] VIP: J-Dog. JERRY COOGAN: Yeah,
come on in VIP. VIP: J-Bones, I heard about the
Tawny Kitaen fuck race. I want in. JERRY COOGAN: Sorry, my man. The roster’s full. VIP: Roster? What the fuck man? Come on, please. JERRY COOGAN: Listen, whoever
wins this thing, aka me, will make sure you get a
pair of panties. VIP: That would really
mean a lot. Honestly, that’s all
I need, you know? It’s just to get that scent. JERRY COOGAN: Please, who
are you talking to? VIP: Get that ass. JERRY COOGAN: Get that ass. I’m not fucking around,
do you hear me? Well, well, well– Tawny Kitaen on my car lot. This is a special day. TAWNY KITAEN: Oh, thank you. I was already being helped by
a couple of your salesman. JERRY COOGAN: But you haven’t
been helped just right until the big man’s whipped out
his sales speech. DEL: Do the head thing. TONY: Yep, there’s the
hair tousle, right. DEL: Hair tousle. JERRY COOGAN: I want to give you
the best deal you’ve ever had in your whole life. TONY: Oh there, he’s dangling
the keys right by his junk. DEL: See, that’s a move. TAWNY KITAEN: Thank you,
but I don’t need any help on the financing. JERRY COOGAN: Shh, shh, I’m not
talking about financing. I’m talking about money down– all the way down, if
you catch my drift. TAWNY KITAEN: If your drift is
about sex, then I’m catching your drift. JERRY COOGAN: Oh ho, good. TAWNY KITAEN: And that deal– I’ve had many deals just like
that with much, much sexier men than you. Let’s see, I’ve had sex in front
of the Eiffel Tower. I’ve had sex on a jet ski. I did it on an airplane with a
pilot when he was supposed to be flying it. JERRY COOGAN: That’s
just dangerous. TONY: Whoa, this is weird. She seems put off. DEL: Haha. TONY: Ahh. JERRY COOGAN: How’s that
even possible? TAWNY KITAEN: So I’m pretty
sure I’ve already been there, done that. JERRY COOGAN: Missionary? TAWNY KITAEN: Missionary? JERRY COOGAN: Just checking. All right, well let’s get
you into a car, I guess. TONY: Oh god, down
goes Frazier. DEL: Oh sick. JERRY COOGAN: Wow,
that was brutal. It’s like pussy Nam out here. DEL: How the fuck do
you think I feel? I was the hands down favorite
to win this shit. I got blanked, too. TONY: She’s obviously some
crazy hot lipstick lesbo. RANDY THOMAS: She gave
me her number. JERRY COOGAN: What? DEL: Fuck out of here. TONY: Bullshit. JERRY COOGAN: Are you
fucking kidding me? Tell me exactly what she said. RANDY THOMAS: Well, she said it
was rare for her to meet a nice guy, especially one on
a lot filled with such– she used a word I’m
not comfortable using for you guys. Anyway, she wants me to take
her to dinner tonight. JERRY COOGAN: Fuck. DEL: What the fuck
is going on here? What’s the world coming to? TONY: Up is down, fucking
spiders are apples. What the fuck’s going on here? JERRY COOGAN: All right, take
it easy Tony, take it easy. It’s our duty, as part of the
Coogan brotherhood, to do everything we can to help
Randy here get some ass. RANDY THOMAS: Thanks, Jerry. JERRY COOGAN: Let’s start
planning right now. RANDY THOMAS: I’m really glad to
be taking you out tonight, Ms. Kitaen. TAWNY KITAEN: That is so sweet,
but you know, you can call me Tawny. RANDY THOMAS: Tawny– I know, I’m sorry. I’m just really happy
to be sitting here with you right now. JERRY COOGAN: No dummy, never
tell her that you’re happy to be out with them. It makes them think
you’re weak. DEL: But tell her, you’re lucky
I’m out with you and not one of my other bitches. RANDY THOMAS: You’re lucky I’m
out with you and not one of my other bitches. TAWNY KITAEN: OK, um– DEL: Now listen very
carefully, Randy. You tell her she has great tits,
and you’ve dreamt about putting your dick
between them. JERRY COOGAN: Yeah–
no wait, whoa. Del, you can’t do that with
a lady like Tawny Kitaen. I mean, she’s big
time, all right? You gotta move slow. DEL: Too much. JERRY COOGAN: Hey Randy,
tell her she looks beautiful tonight. RANDY THOMAS: You look
beautiful tonight. TAWNY KITAEN: Well, um– JERRY COOGAN: Beautiful
enough to roofy. RANDY THOMAS: Beautiful
enough to– JERRY COOGAN: Roofy. DEL: Say it. JERRY COOGAN: Roofy– say
it, motherfucker. DEL: Say it, Randy. RANDY THOMAS: Mmmm. TAWNY KITAEN: It’s
OK, I get it. JERRY COOGAN: Whoa,
whoa, she got it. She got it, Randy. Back off, back off– Jesus Christ. VIP: Hello, good lady and bro. JERRY COOGAN: Ah, VIP’s got
a brother who works at the restaurant. He’s our man on the inside. VIP: It is my job to tell
you about the desserts– first off, big coconut boobies,
and secondly, chocolate banana cock
with a lot of cream creaming out of it. So tell me what you want to put
in your mouth the most. TAWNY KITAEN: OK, I’m just
trying to stay away from chocolate covered
banana cocks. VIP: Hehehe. TAWNY KITAEN: I just– RANDY THOMAS: We’re all
good on deserts, OK? Thanks. VIP: You’re welcome. DEL: What kind of racist
bullshit is that? RANDY THOMAS: I don’t know
what’s wrong with that man. DEL: Ask her if she’s ever
dated a brother before. RANDY THOMAS: Have you ever
been with a brother? TAWNY KITAEN: You mean
a black man. I just don’t really think that’s
any of your business. RANDY THOMAS: Fair enough. DEL: She couldn’t have,
otherwise she would have never gone back. Hahaha. JERRY COOGAN: Hahaha. RANDY THOMAS: You couldn’t have,
otherwise you wouldn’t have gone back. Hahaha. TAWNY KITAEN: Randy, are you
on any kind of medication? JERRY COOGAN: Oh, I got this. Just the medication of
my love for you. RANDY THOMAS: Just the
medication of my love for you. JERRY COOGAN: And those
giant fucking tits. Say it. Come on, Randy, say it. Say it, Randy. TAWNY KITAEN: Do I hear
something in your– RANDY THOMAS: Hehe,
where were we? JERRY COOGAN: Godspeed, Randy. DEL: May your dick
be with you. JERRY COOGAN: Hey, wait till you
see all this blow I got. VIP: Where is he? JERRY COOGAN: Fuck. DEL: I feel like I’m having
a baby right now. VIP: Oh, there he is. JERRY COOGAN: All
right, come on. Spit it out. Spit it out. RANDY THOMAS: Well, she
was super nice. TONY: Nice– who gives
a shit about nice? JERRY COOGAN: All right, what
happened after the restaurant? RANDY THOMAS: Well, I drove
her back to her hotel, and then we talked in the car
for a good long while. And then she kissed me. VIP: Ayoo. JERRY COOGAN: Yes. RANDY THOMAS: It was the best
feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. TONY: So did you slip
her the sausage? DEL: Did you climb
Pussy Mountain? VIP: Yeah, did you
get that ass? RANDY THOMAS: No, I mean,
she got out of the car and that was it. TONY: What the fuck? DEL: You are the biggest waste
of a penis that I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. If I worked at the penis DMV,
I would revoke your shit. RANDY THOMAS: Sorry
I upset you, Del. DEL: I would tell you to go
fuck yourself, but you’d probably end up kissing your
fucking self and going home with a dry-ass dick. TONY: When God was handing out
cocks, you took yours and shoved it up your
own fucking ass. VIP: I didn’t travel 5,000
miles to see you not fuck Tawny Kitaen, asshole. RANDY THOMAS: I messed up, VIP. I’m sorry. JERRY COOGAN: Now just shut up
for a second, all right? You’re in the car. You gave her a kiss. On the way out, did your hand
maybe grab her boob or graze it or something? RANDY THOMAS: Yeah. JERRY COOGAN: OK, you
did good kid. You did real good. RANDY THOMAS: Thanks, Jerry. JERRY COOGAN: All right,
everybody just calm down. It’s going to be fine. Tony, you take it easy. Randy, just back away, just– no, no, no Del. Everybody back up. VIP: Fuck you. JERRY COOGAN: You know what? Fuck it, let’s get him. Get that motherfucker. [THEME SONG – TOMMY FIELDS] TONY: Look at him. Hi, do you like Jesus? My name’s Boner McGee. Do you want to go to the
ice cream social? If we get married, then
we can have sex. God, can I touch her titties?

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Comments

  1. This was seriously one of my favorite show ever, thank you LOUD for bringing Coogan Auto in my life, awsome cast btw. Tried to bring as much friends as I could here to watch the show, once again, great job, only hoping for a 2nd season !

  2. This show needs to be picked up from a real network so each episode can be a REAL length.. its 100x better than Til Death and most other fox shows.. its wasted on youtube getting only 30K hits… great work guys

  3. Sweet Jesus…why don't more people know about this!!! I just found it…and watched the entire season in a day.

    Get the word out to us dumb mother fuckers that this exists!

  4. A modern retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac… I would expect nothing less than Shakespearean subtext from Coogan Auto.

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