David Spade Thought Ellen Was Justin Bieber at Her Birthday Party


First of all– Yes, sir. We’ve known each other
a long time, and– We have. Is it Helen, or Ellen? Ellen. It’s Ellen with an E. I told
someone I just set that out there. Ellen, we go back. I wanted to tell the
crowd first of all, because they probably want to
hear about your birthday party. Everyone’s been
buzzing about it. [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] She had a big rager. I got a fallout invite,
which was great. I went down there. I had a show that
night in Irvine. You did? Did my hour show,
went up all the way. Great guy syndrome. I don’t know how I do
it, but I got there. And it was– first of all, I
didn’t know there was a cover charge, but that was fine. You know what,
because I saw inside there were so much
stuff, and I get it now. 50 seemed high, but $50,
that’s nothing to me. It’s like $45. So paid that, that was fine. Went in– oh, the
celebs, Ellen Louise. It was– is that
your middle name? Oh. Ellen, I went in there,
and they were really packed in there like sardines. They were everywhere. I saw– and I bother all
of them, as you know. Did you? Oh yeah. I really get in their grill. And I never have anything to
say, it’s a real nonversation. I walk right up and I
just start “vavavavava.” They don’t know what’s going on. I saw Aniston was talking
to Kris Jenner right away. And the funny thing
about Kris Jenner was Kim was close by, and– Kardashian– and she was– I think she was winding
down, Kris Jenner didn’t want to leave. And I was thinking, what if
my mom was at my same party when I was a kid? It would be so crazy. Because Kim was like, let’s go. And she’s like, 10 more minutes. She’s like, mom. She’s like, wait
in the car then. She’s like, ugh. So, that’s me, I always
had to wait in the car. So I go in. I did see Adele, who I
talked about on this show. She was lovely, of course. Too many people to mention. I caught myself. Remember there’s some
music toward the end? Yes, I did. And a bit of a hodgepodge. It was like Reese got up, and
all these great singers there– Pink and Melissa Etheridge. So I was looking
to watch, and there was one of your rapper
buddies, and then there was Jennifer Lawrence. It was French Montana. Yeah, yeah. So I go hey, like I
was trying to look, and then he whipped out
some medical marijuana and a big rolled
up doobie of it. Oh. And so– Now you’re talking about Diddy. Oh yeah. He took a hit. You know I know all the
lingo– he took a pop off it. [LAUGHS] And then I was in the middle,
and then he looks at me like, huh? And I go, yeah. Because I don’t want to
be like a narc, you know. Like I want to– so I go, hey, man, pass it over. So I get it, and then
of course I’m like– [INHALING SOUND] [LAUGHTER] I take the biggest hit, and
I cough maybe 40 minutes, like classic, stupid, corny,
shouldn’t even be in a movie. Now I’m like [HUFFS]
and then I give it back, and I go, hey, good
batch, or whatever. I don’t know what to say. I try to be cool. I go, is that Hawaiian? [LAUGHTER] Is that Vietnamese
purple-haired northslope hash? That’s the last I
had in high school, so I threw that in there,
it didn’t ring a bell. And then I was like this–
everything’s cool for a second, and then– [BLOWING] –like, it hit me. Oh boy, it was like– you know in those
nuclear movies where it’s like flattens everything? That’s half the [INAUDIBLE]
my brain just went down. And I was like, (SINGING) hello
darkness, my old friend. (TALKING) Oh, they
changed the song. Oh no, they didn’t. And then I was starting
this space out a bit, you know, because I was
sort of in a half coma. And things are moving, it
was a bit of the matrix. So I go, hey, I gotta take off. And so I was like– [WHIRLING SOUND] –and then I see Oprah, and then
I go, I should talk to Oprah. This is the new guy. Now I don’t care. I was nervous before,
and I was like– [PURRING SOUND] –like feline, and
then the little embers in my brain that were still
alive go, nope, abort, abort. I went “szhoop” last second
like Waze, “Get off here.” [LAUGHTER] And so she’s like
this, “Hel-oh.” [LAUGHTER] This weekend, I went through,
and I just didn’t really bother anyone else. I think DeCaprio got away with a
fist bump, and the rest of them were now is just a little
like hexagonal at this point, like a kaleidoscope. I was going to the exit,
like, just get me out of here. So I get in the
elevator, and there was– which is lit like Ralph’s. It’s so bright, you
know what I mean? It’s like the produce section. Like gizmo, I’m like, “Eign!” And then, ding, get out,
go to my car, slide in. My driver goes, you OK? I go, absolutely not. And I think I got home, do
not remember going home. And I’m still in
the same outfit. Well– [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] I saw you, but we didn’t talk. We didn’t talk. No. I did see you. In fairness, I thought
you were Justin Bieber for the first half
hour, but and it’s only because of your haircut. Not where you look right. But– you know, when you’re
the belle of the ball, this is the main attraction. So I feel like even some
of these celeb types, I know I don’t want to bug,
because everyone’s talking. So you don’t want to– I don’t want to cut
in on you and Bradley Cooper, or something, you know. Hey, can I steal her? So I just– Like the Bachelor. Yeah. Can I get five minutes? So I just left you alone, but
it never sort of swung around. But it was just so fun, because
I see people I never see. Yeah. I never have– I really
only have a party rarely, not even every year
for my birthday. And that was kind of the
party to end all parties. But I saw you over by the bar,
and I was going to make my way to you, and I couldn’t. There’s nothing to say. I mean, I was out of it. And I was already drunk,
because it was night time. So I already came
in a little hot. A lot of people did. Yeah. A lot of people were
hurting the next morning. I didn’t get to that
photo station, because I– Oh, you didn’t. Well– The photo booth was so fun. Everybody took
advantage of that. Everyone crushed it. I think Olivia Munn just
waited for anyone to show up. Olivia Munn put herself in. She got in a lot of them. It’s a little bit of a
flat Stanley situation. She was like, one with Olivia! And they were great, but
everyone is very nice there. It’s the people you don’t see. It’s like the Oscars, that you
just see people that you never see in real life. And what a blast, though. It was great. We have to take a
break, and I want to talk about– we have really
known each other a long time. We have things to talk about. Mhm, 100%. Maybe. Hi, I’m Andy. Ellen asked me to remind you
to subscribe to her channel so you can see more
awesome videos. Like videos of me
getting scared, or saying embarrassing things,
like “ball peen hammer.” And also some videos of
Ellen and other celebrities, if you’re into
that sort of thing. [YELPS] [BEEPING] God [BEEPING]

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