So, uh, first of all, the Oscars were the other day, and, uh,
there’s some fallout now. Some of it had to do with me. I want to say quickly,
I’m feeling a little better. I’m recovering from a, uh, Vanity Fair Oscar party
that, uh, got away from me. Um, just to let you know, there’s, like,
three Oscar after-parties that are– that are kind of fun. There’s– Jay-Z has one and Guy Oseary and Madonna and Vanity Fair. So, it’s so political
how you get invited to stuff, because they stagger out times
at Vanity Fair. You know, Guy O.’s
and Jay-Z’s are after. But the-the first one,
I got a 10:00, and that’s pretty good,
because– I don’t know what they range.
They’re on the half hour, but, uh, they–
you can get early or later. And they also decide
if you can get a plus-one. Which is embarrassing
if you don’t. But you still get to go.
It’s just very weird to go, “Sure, I’ll just cruise up there
by myself.” Um, it’s weird to go
to a party by yourself. So, this one, I–
it was 10:00, but they put it on your thing. You have to have a driver,
and you have to go in. So, you pull up.
It’s like North Korea. There’s, like,
cops and everything. They’re not– they’re
not (bleep)ing around at all. Like, they do– It’s not like,
“Hey, I got a couple people that weren’t on the…”
That’s not how it works. So, I pull up
and they’re like… You know?
And then I go, “Uh…” And then he goes,
“Oh, Spade. Come on.” Then he goes…
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo. ♪ He sees my thing,
and it says 10:00. And he goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” And then he goes… (mimics
static) “We got a bogey.” You know, whatever happened. So this woman comes over.
She’s very nice, but she’s like, “Eeh, ah, ooh. It– You’re a 10:00. It’s 9:40.” And I go, “Oh, there’s times?” And my driver goes, “Yeah,
I told you 10:00 50 times.” I go, “Hey… “First of all, I don’t know
what he’s talking about. I don’t know.” But I go,
“Yeah, no, so, cool, cool, cool. So, do I just kind of…
wee-ooh?” And she goes,
“Eh, if it was up to me…” I go, “It is.” And, uh– and she goes, “Why don’t you run over to
Nate ‘n Al’s and get a bagel?” I was like, “20 minutes early?” I go, “How ’bout I leave
the party 20 minutes early?” That’s not how it works. So she goes, “Circle–”
She goes, “You know what, come back at 9:50.
I’ll look the other way.” I go, “Mm.” So, I do,
like the biggest loser. So I come back.
I finally get in. ‘Cause, one time,
I got midnight, alone. ‘Course, I still went.
Thirsty. And that’s worse,
’cause I go in and everyone’s coming out.
I’m like a salmon. So I just walk in.
“Any crab cakes left?” And then I just give directions
to Guy O.’s party. Um, but there’s other fallout
from the Oscars, not just my sadness. Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin– bless you– he told people they should go
vegan, uh, in his speech, and now people from the dairy
industry are mad at him, you know,
hurting their business. Does he have a point? Tim, I know you probably have
some things to say. What is that supposed to mean? David, I am–
David, I’m an ethical vegan. Uh, no. I don’t– This is why I’m against fixing
cleft palates. -Uh…
-(gasping, laughter) -Right out– right out
of the gate. -Oh, he’s rich. -Hot out of the gate.
-He’s gonna be fine. Uh… (stammers) This is why
America hates these people. They’re talking about milk. I mean,
half the country’s on heroin. Everybody’s in trouble. And, I mean, this guy thinks
the biggest threat to people is whole milk?
I mean, it’s disgusting. I think he’s right. I haven’t had milk
since I was three. Drink your coffee black,
you pussies. (cheering and applause) Yeah. A couple hands went up. -Ian? -If I was the guy
from the Dairy Association, I would be like, “Y’all
are gonna listen to the Joker?” -DILLON: Good point.
-He kills people. He-He’s the bad guy. I get scared, ’cause I-I don’t
eat– I don’t drink much milk. I mean,
I heard it was bad for you. Of course, I don’t know.
I’m not a scientist. But then someone told me. I go,
“Oh, yeah, it’s bad for you.” I just tell everyone.
But… but when I was a kid,
I had a lot of milk with cereal. It said, “Milk does a body
good.” Remember that one? -STELLING: Mm-hmm. -I don’t know
if it’s true. I don’t know. -I’m-I’m vegan. Right?
-Yeah. Oh, good. Okay. -And I know how hard it is
to not eat cheese. -Yeah. So that’s why people brag
about it. But, but I’m not one of those
Jehovah Witness vegans. Thank God, yeah. The only celebrity I listen to
about diet is Lizzo. -(laughter, applause)
-It’s the only– Yeah, it’s the only… She’s doing it right. It’s the only person.
She’s having fun -drinking milk. -She loves it.
-I like that– I like it. I think it’s good
he’s championing these causes, -you know, like, uh,
mental-mental health -Yeah. and veganism, global warming. I hope he does
erectile dysfunction next. That’s, like, what affects
my life the most. I’ve got that market cornered.