David Spade’s Inside Take on the Vanity Fair Oscar Party – Lights Out with David Spade

So, uh, first of all, the Oscars were the other day, and, uh,
there’s some fallout now. Some of it had to do with me. I want to say quickly,
I’m feeling a little better. I’m recovering from a, uh, Vanity Fair Oscar party
that, uh, got away from me. Um, just to let you know, there’s, like,
three Oscar after-parties that are– that are kind of fun. There’s– Jay-Z has one and Guy Oseary and Madonna and Vanity Fair. So, it’s so political
how you get invited to stuff, because they stagger out times
at Vanity Fair. You know, Guy O.’s
and Jay-Z’s are after. But the-the first one,
I got a 10:00, and that’s pretty good,
because– I don’t know what they range.
They’re on the half hour, but, uh, they–
you can get early or later. And they also decide
if you can get a plus-one. Which is embarrassing
if you don’t. But you still get to go.
It’s just very weird to go, “Sure, I’ll just cruise up there
by myself.” Um, it’s weird to go
to a party by yourself. So, this one, I–
it was 10:00, but they put it on your thing. You have to have a driver,
and you have to go in. So, you pull up.
It’s like North Korea. There’s, like,
cops and everything. They’re not– they’re
not (bleep)ing around at all. Like, they do– It’s not like,
“Hey, I got a couple people that weren’t on the…”
That’s not how it works. So, I pull up
and they’re like… You know?
And then I go, “Uh…” And then he goes,
“Oh, Spade. Come on.” Then he goes…
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo. ♪ He sees my thing,
and it says 10:00. And he goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” And then he goes… (mimics
static) “We got a bogey.” You know, whatever happened. So this woman comes over.
She’s very nice, but she’s like, “Eeh, ah, ooh. It– You’re a 10:00. It’s 9:40.” And I go, “Oh, there’s times?” And my driver goes, “Yeah,
I told you 10:00 50 times.” I go, “Hey… “First of all, I don’t know
what he’s talking about. I don’t know.” But I go,
“Yeah, no, so, cool, cool, cool. So, do I just kind of…
wee-ooh?” And she goes,
“Eh, if it was up to me…” I go, “It is.” And, uh– and she goes, “Why don’t you run over to
Nate ‘n Al’s and get a bagel?” I was like, “20 minutes early?” I go, “How ’bout I leave
the party 20 minutes early?” That’s not how it works. So she goes, “Circle–”
She goes, “You know what, come back at 9:50.
I’ll look the other way.” I go, “Mm.” So, I do,
like the biggest loser. So I come back.
I finally get in. ‘Cause, one time,
I got midnight, alone. ‘Course, I still went.
Thirsty. And that’s worse,
’cause I go in and everyone’s coming out.
I’m like a salmon. So I just walk in.
“Any crab cakes left?” And then I just give directions
to Guy O.’s party. Um, but there’s other fallout
from the Oscars, not just my sadness. Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin– bless you– he told people they should go
vegan, uh, in his speech, and now people from the dairy
industry are mad at him, you know,
hurting their business. Does he have a point? Tim, I know you probably have
some things to say. What is that supposed to mean? David, I am–
David, I’m an ethical vegan. Uh, no. I don’t– This is why I’m against fixing
cleft palates. -Uh…
-(gasping, laughter) -Right out– right out
of the gate. -Oh, he’s rich. -Hot out of the gate.
-He’s gonna be fine. Uh… (stammers) This is why
America hates these people. They’re talking about milk. I mean,
half the country’s on heroin. Everybody’s in trouble. And, I mean, this guy thinks
the biggest threat to people is whole milk?
I mean, it’s disgusting. I think he’s right. I haven’t had milk
since I was three. Drink your coffee black,
you pussies. (cheering and applause) Yeah. A couple hands went up. -Ian? -If I was the guy
from the Dairy Association, I would be like, “Y’all
are gonna listen to the Joker?” -DILLON: Good point.
-He kills people. He-He’s the bad guy. I get scared, ’cause I-I don’t
eat– I don’t drink much milk. I mean,
I heard it was bad for you. Of course, I don’t know.
I’m not a scientist. But then someone told me. I go,
“Oh, yeah, it’s bad for you.” I just tell everyone.
But… but when I was a kid,
I had a lot of milk with cereal. It said, “Milk does a body
good.” Remember that one? -STELLING: Mm-hmm. -I don’t know
if it’s true. I don’t know. -I’m-I’m vegan. Right?
-Yeah. Oh, good. Okay. -And I know how hard it is
to not eat cheese. -Yeah. So that’s why people brag
about it. But, but I’m not one of those
Jehovah Witness vegans. Thank God, yeah. The only celebrity I listen to
about diet is Lizzo. -(laughter, applause)
-It’s the only– Yeah, it’s the only… She’s doing it right. It’s the only person.
She’s having fun -drinking milk. -She loves it.
-I like that– I like it. I think it’s good
he’s championing these causes, -you know, like, uh,
mental-mental health -Yeah. and veganism, global warming. I hope he does
erectile dysfunction next. That’s, like, what affects
my life the most. I’ve got that market cornered.

About the author


  1. I drink multiple glasses of milk a day. Deal with it Walkeen! You moody, easily distracted, look like your coming down off a high, artistic "genius".

  2. 40 years old and I drink milk every day, and there isn't a damn thing wrong with me. 6'6" and shredded slim build. Don't listen to the vegan BS, plants are living creatures, too.
    Life feeds on life.
    It's Biology 101.

  3. Im going all day without a spade clip and im thinking my notification was turned off…I keep forgetting you all are on the other side and its not bed time yet.

  4. Dude, There are more than 2 billion people in the east who drink milk every single day from the day they are born to the day they die! They're healthy and multiplying great.

  5. Milk is good if you have the cow nearby or live in a small town that has a milk man, but people who drink great value milk… cmon, your fucking yourself up, donkey milk is better for you, too

  6. he's talking about respecting all life forms on the planet. have some perspective here people. reducing and minimizing the point of what he said is why humanity will keep raping this planet.

  7. Joaquin’s girlfriend
    owns the Steelers and the NY Giants… he can drink fairy milk from tinker bell so he can stfu. I can’t believe ppl let Joaquin get away with his arrogant bs

  8. Hi, I play pretend for a money. Did you know that I'm so far up my own ass that I'll tell you what to drive, how to eat, and who to vote for? I do this as a service because I'm better than you.
    Everyfuckinbody in Hollywood

  9. Milk is good for you. now I'm not saying drink a gallon a day is good for you but drinking milk is not bad for you and the day that Iam with out my cream in my coffee will be a day I will have no more coffee!! his speech meant that all these rich people need to look around them and have a good reality sense of humanity… Not about just drinking milk and if you going to be a comedian don't be a dumb one be a smart one… Too many rich people in California not doing nothing for the for the homeless Rich self-centered Pricks!

  10. I would prefer not to hear about actors' politics. Hearing Brad Pitt talk about our president like that really made me cringe. I feel bad for them, they pretty much have to bash Trump or their careers would be cancelled. It's such a bummer.

  11. But I thought milk is how we get vitamin D and calcium and are good for bones and teeth? I prefer almond milk though tastes better to me

  12. Milk is nasty. There’s puss and blood in milk. The udders are indiscriminately over-pumped thereby tearing the membranes and contaminating the milk. It’s why there’s antibiotics in milk. It’s a cruel, disgusting, and unnecessary practice.

  13. I heard Joaquin's speech but did not hear him say go vegan, but I was so bored with his rambling… it would be easy to miss.

  14. I drink 2 gallons of milk I week……but its OK, I can stop any time I want, you know? I got it under control….its not like I'm snorting it.

  15. Child starving and human trafficking are still a problem but rich people are worried about nutritious animals being treated bad? Wow morons.

  16. The nitrogen cycle can not be ignored veganism is unsustainable since they do not understand that you need animal manure to grow the food you can't just grow food without animals unless you use petrochemical or mined fertilizers and those add salt to the land making it far less productive. The only sustainable diet is one that utilizes a mix of animal and plant-based foods. You know as mother nature intended.

  17. That was awesome how they spent the night taking jabs at white male privilege and then presented special musical guest….EMINEM!

  18. Dave…This chick 🐣 hasn’t slept since the New Years party. For Gods sake knock the coke out her hand and wash her hair before she comes on the show.

  19. Walking 🚶 Penis will be forever remembered for the speech on inseminating 🐄 Cows. In 2050 there will be a hologram if him in The WOKE Museum giving this speech.
    The 23 year olds will be poking each other in the ribs and saying “Who is this guy and why is he talking about 🐄 cows fucking. What kind weird sex were they into?”

  20. If ya dont get what hes saying in his speech then ya dont, dont make it about your point is right, its true animals go through hell……

  21. I turned Phoenix off….he was incomprehensible… Idiotic ramblings standing there with a frikkin Academy Award and talks veganism??!! BTW, The movie was dark, gritty, sick and twisted… Horrid!!

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