– I once stole Catherine Zeta-Jones’ dinner money. – Well, of course you’re both Welsh, so you presumably went to the same school. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] – Yes, applaud that thinly-veiled racism. – What age were you?
– Um… I would’ve been… um… school age. Young. About… I don’t know, 10. – Catherine Zeta-Jones is about… she’s 40 odd. – Well, I’m 45. She was younger than me at school. And is even younger now, apparently. – So you were ten. And she was about five? You stole a five-year-old little girl’s dinner money at the age of ten? You bastard! – No, um I didn’t steal it as such, it was a… it was a misunderstanding. – Right. What was the misunderstanding? How did her money end up in your hand?
– Well, I arrived at school that day. And as I walked into the school, Catherine Zeta-Jones’ mother saw me and said “I’ve forgotten to give Catherine her dinner money. Would you give her the dinner money?” and gave the dinner money to me. And I forgot to give her the money. And I spent the money on sweets.
– And what was this school? – It was called Swansea.
– Swansea? Swansea School.
– It was called Dumbarton. – Oh not Swansea then? Dumbarton?
– In Swansea.
– Oh right. – Have you met her since?
– Yes, I have actually.
– And have you had a hilarious… … oh ho, here’s your three quid.
– Oh, tell us about when you met her.
– I’ll tell you. When I met her – this is true – which is not to say… which is not to say… which is not to SAY that it’s not true! Um, I met her at the BAFTAs when she won for Chicago and she had an American accent. That’s the story.
– Oh right. – Gimme my three pound back, Brydon!
– So what are you going to say? Truth or lie?
– Lie. – Lie.
– Lie. – It’s got to be a lie.
– You’re saying lie?
– Because you’re too an honest man not to have gone back and given it to her.
– So. David’s team?
– I think it might be true. – I’ll go with what Ruth says.
– Yeah, alright. We’ll say it’s true.
– You’re saying it’s true. You say it’s a lie. You say it’s true. It is… true. [APPLAUSE] – Yes, it’s true! I did once steal Catherine Zeta-Jones’ dinner money. It was a long time ago when we were kids, I now feel old age creeping up on me. As does Catherine, every morning, when Michael fancies a cuddle!