Dinner With Friends with Brett Gelman and Friends | Adult Swim


>>AND MARK.>>”T” MARK.>>HE WAS. I WAS THE LAST CLASS UNDER BRUSTEIN. I CAME IN ’78. OKAY THE FIRST YEAR THAT I WAS THERE.>>ARE WE CLOSE?>>YEAH, HE JUST ARRIVED. SORRY ABOUT THE DELAY. HE’LL BE RIGHT HERE.>>IT’S ALL RIGHT.>>Thank you.>>He just came in.>>OH, YEAH?>>HEY.>>H-HI. I’M — I’M — I’M ALISON.>>HI. YEAH. GUYS, I’M SORRY I’M LATE. I JUST HAD THE MOST [BLEEP] UP DAY I CAN REMEMBER. YOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY HERE.>>WHAT HAPPENED?>>NOTHING. IT’S FINE. I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF TIME BEFORE THE SHOOT, SO I FIGURE, “OH, I’LL GO GET MY CAR WASHED.” SO I TAKE IT TO THIS PLACE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I’M EXPECTING MY CAR TO BE CLEAN AS A BABY’S ASS ‘CAUSE THE GUY TAKES [BLEEP] FOREVER. [ LAUGHTER ] HE COMES BACK, HE GIVES ME MY CAR. NOW, THE FIRST THING I NOTICE IS, “OH, A BUM MUST HAVE CHOKED ON HIS OWN VOMIT AND DIED IN HERE AND THEN HIS GHOST [BLEEP] A PUKE PUDDLE ‘CAUSE IT SMELLS NOT GREAT. BUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO — TAKE IT BACK TO THE PLACE AND COMPLAIN? I’D LOOK LIKE A [BLEEP] RACIST. SO I HEAD HOME, I HIT THE COFFEE BEAN. I GO TO PUT THE COFFEE IN THE CUPHOLDERS, AND YOU GUESSED IT. THE…GUY…DID…NOT…CLEAN… THE…CUPHOLDER.>>THAT’S NASTY.>>SO, NATURALLY AT THIS POINT, I LOSE MY SHIT. I HEAD BACK TO THE PLACE TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH HIM. THE SCUMBAG ISN’T EVEN THERE. HIS BOSS TELLS ME THAT HIS SHIFT ENDED AND HE WENT HOME. I ASK HIS BOSS FOR HIS ADDRESS. BOSS WON’T GIVE IT TO ME. HE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY, SIR. WE DON’T GIVE OUT THAT TYPE OF INFORMATION.” WELL, THEN I GIVE HIM SOME INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM IF HE DOESN’T GIVE ME THAT INFORMATION. I GO TO THE GUY’S HOUSE, AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING — GUY LIVES IN A REAL DUMP OF A NEIGHBORHOOD, A REAL ZOO. I LET MYSELF IN VIA BUDDY OF MINE I CALL MY FOOT. WE GET INTO IT. HIS WIFE IS SCREAMING, “OH, PLEASE. DON’T HURT HIM!” I TELL THE BROAD TO SHUT UP OR SHE’S NEXT. I GRAB THE GUY BY THE HAIR, AND I DRAG HIS ASS OUTSIDE. WELL, LET’S JUST SAY MY CUPHOLDERS ARE PROBABLY THE CLEANEST THEY’VE EVER BEEN AND THE GUY DIDN’T NEED NO WINDEX.>>AND IN 5, 4, 3, 2.>>WHAT THE…?>>I KNOW. HE’S GREAT. HANG OUT. WE’LL TALK ABOUT THAT LATER. GUYS, I AM SO THRILLED TO HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL GUESTS HERE WITH ME THIS EVENING, AND WE ARE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN. WE ARE GOING TO EAT SOME DELICIOUS FOOD, WE ARE GOING TO TELL SOME SHOW-BIZ TALES STRAIGHT FROM THE TINSELTOWN TRENCHES — THE WHOLE KIT AND CABOODLEY, DOODLELY, DOODLELY, DOODLELY-DO. [ LAUGHTER ] NOW, WHO’S GOT A TASTY TRENCH TALE THEY WANT TO SPILL TO START US OFF WITH, HUH?>>I WAS ACTUALLY, LITERALLY IN A TRENCH FOR MOST OF –>>YOU KNOW, IT’S FUNNY. TALKING ABOUT TRENCHES, IT REMINDS ME OF THE TINY TRENCHES IN ALL OF OUR CARS. OF COURSE I’M TALKING ABOUT CUPHOLDERS. CRAZY THING HAPPENED TO ME AND MINE EARLIER TODAY. I HAD A LITTLE TIME BEFORE THE SHOOT, SO I FIGURE, “OH, I’LL GO GET MY CAR WASHED.” SO I GET MY CAR WASHED, I’M DRIVING HOME, I NOTICE — OH, GUY FORGOT TO CLEAN MY CUPHOLDERS. HONEST MISTAKE. I DRIVE SLOWLY BACK TO THE CAR WASH SO I CAN SAY TO THE GUY, “HEY, YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN MY CUPHOLDERS, BUT IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. IT’S FINE.” BUT THE GUY ISN’T THERE. HE WENT HOME. SO I DRIVE TO HIS HOUSE, I GO TO HIS CAR. I TAKE OUT A BOTTLE OF CLOROX SPRAY, AND I CLEANHISCUPHOLDERS. AND THE GUY’S LIKE, “OH, THANK YOU, BRETT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.” AND I’M LIKE, “NO, THIS AIN’T ENOUGH.” SO WE HEAD TO GLENDALE — AND IT’S KIND OF EMBARRASSING, BUT I KIND OF BOUGHT HIM A NEW CAR. BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I DO, RIGHT?>>WOW, THAT’S SUPER GENEROUS OF YOU.>>DALE, I KNOW YOU DO A LOT OF GIVING BACK.>>WELL, I’VE BEEN WORKING WITH DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS.>>ONE THING I’VE BEEN UP TO LATELY GIVING-WISE, I’M GONNA START MY OWN POST OFFICE — YOU KNOW, GIVE THE COMMUNITY ANOTHER OPTION. I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT. INSTEAD OF STAMPS, I’M GONNA CALL THEM SCRAMPS. PLUS, WE’RE NOT ONLY GONNA MAIL LETTERS, WE’RE GONNA DO E-MAILS, TOO.>>AND I GUESS YOU CAN CALL THEM SCREAM-MAILS. [ LAUGHTER ]>>[ Laughing ] THAT’S REALLY FUNNY, GILBERT. [ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ] ALISON, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO LATELY?>>OH, I JUST FINISHED SHOOTING A MOVIE.>>STOP!! CAN WE GO ONE MINUTE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT SHOW BUSINESS? IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK THAT WE JUST HAVE A NORMAL CONVERSATION AS HUMAN BEINGS FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES? YOU KNOW, I HAD A FEELING THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN, SO I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF INVITING ANOTHER GUEST. HE’S A FRIEND OF MINE. HE’S NOT FAMOUS. DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS COULD HANDLE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES SHOW BUSINESS FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES, HUH?>>ABSOLUTELY.>>YEAH, OF COURSE.>>YEAH.>>YES.>>ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY VERY NORMAL FRIEND, MR. JOEY FILLIPIANO.>>HAS HE BEEN UNDER THERE THE WHOLE TIME?>>NOW, GUYS, JOEY HERE IS A NORMAL PERSON. HE’S ABOUT REAL DAY-TO-DAY EXPERIENCES. JOEY, WHY DON’T YOU TELL THESE ACTORS WHAT YOU’VE BEEN UP TO LATELY?>>I’VE BEEN DOING TERRIBLE. I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE GARBAGE. I GOT SACKED WITH HERPES FROM THIS DANCER THAT I WAS DATING.>>UH-HUH.>>AND I WAS IN THIS CONVENIENCE-STORE ROBBERY. I WATCHED THESE TWO KIDS GET SHOT POINT-BLANK.>>YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.>>ON TOP OF THAT, MY EX-WIFE KEEPS CALLING ME UP.>>[ Chuckling ] OH.>>SHE KEEPS ASKING IF I WANT TO SEE MY DAUGHTER. YOU KNOW, I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE LITTLE BITCH.>>THAT’S GREAT.>>THAT’S GREAT? HAVE YOU HEARD A SINGLE WORD HE JUST SAID?>>WHAT?>>YOU — YOU’RE JUST TEXTING.>>YEAH, I DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO HIM BECAUSE, UNLIKE YOU GUYS, I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALWAYS TALKING SHOP.>>YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WAS UP TO. SHOOTING A FILM IS ONE OF THE THINGS I’M UP TO WITH MY JOB.>>PLUS, WHENEVER WE START TO SAY SOMETHING, YOU JUST CUT US OFF.>>[ Sarcastically ] OH, REALLY? IS THAT WHAT I’M DOING, LANCE? WELL, MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE… I’M JUST PRANKING! [ LOUD BAND MUSIC PLAYS ] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! [ LAUGHS ] THIS HAS ALL BEEN A PRANK! [ MUSIC STOPS ] [ LAUGHTER ]>>[ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD!>>JOEY IS A FRIEND OF MINE, YES, BUT HE’S AN ACTOR JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.>>JOEY, YOU REALLY HAD ME FOOLED.>>OH, THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, I ADMIRE ALL OF YOUR WORK SO MUCH.>>THANK YOU.>>OH, OH, BY THE WAY. BEFORE I FORGET, GUYS, JOEY IS WITHOUT REPRESENTATION RIGHT NOW, SO MAYBE IF YOU COULD CALL YOUR AGENTS AND HELP GET HIM SIGNED. I WOULD, BUT I DON’T REALLY HAVE THAT TYPE OF CLOUT WITH MY GUYS YET, SO…>>YEAH.>>MY PLEASURE, GUYS. THANKS A LOT.>>ALL RIGHT. BYE, JOEY!>>NONE OF YOU IS GETTING OUT OF HERE. YOU KNOW THAT, DON’T YOU?>>WELL, [SIGHS] LET’S, UH — OH, ALEX, YOU GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM? THE DOOR’S RIGHT OVER THERE.>>I’M ACTUALLY GONNA TAKE OFF. YEAH, THIS ISN’T REALLY MY THING, I GUESS.>>I’M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.>>NICE MEETING EVERYONE. ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DINNER OR WHATEVER THE [BLEEP] THIS IS.>>OH. OH, OKAY. THERE’S THE — THERE’S THE DOOR. [ DOOR CLOSES ] [ SIGHS ] I’M SORRY, GUYS. I FEEL LIKE I’VE DONE SOMETHING TO THROW OFF THE NIGHT HERE. I DIDN’T MEAN TO GET SO INTENSE. I JUST REALLY WANTED TO CONNECT WITH YOU GUYS.>>WE’RE CONNECTING.>>NO, WE’RE NOT. I’VE GOT AN IDEA. HOW ABOUT WE GO AROUND THE TABLE AND EACH OF US SAYS SOMETHING REALLY PERSONAL, SOMETHING WE’VE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY, YOU KNOW? THEN WE’LL BE BONDED AS A GROUP.>>[ SIGHS ] THIS IS A TAPING, BRETT. THERE’S CAMERAS EVERYWHERE. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?>>OKAY, I TELL YOU WHAT. LET’S SHUT OFF THE CAMERAS. THEN WE’LL DO IT. COME ON, GUYS. SHUT THESE OFF. KILL THE MICS. GET THIS OUT OF HERE. [ DOOR HINGES SQUEAK, DOOR CLOSES ] ALL RIGHT. CAMERAS ARE OFF. LET’S DO THIS, GUYS. WHO’S GOING FIRST?>>MY FATHER… MY BIRTH FATHER… HE DIED A MONTH AGO. I NEVER MET HIM. I-I HAD A CHANCE TO MEET HIM, BUT…I-I DIDN’T WANT TO. NOW I WISH I HAD.>>THAT’S GREAT. YOU SEE, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. LET’S — LET’S TRUST EACH OTHER, LET YOUR GUARDS DOWN.>>I DID A HIT-AND-RUN ONCE. THIS DUDE, HE JUMPED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR. [ BREATHES HEAVILY ] MAYBE HE LIVED. I NEVER WENT BACK TO FIND OUT. I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY.>>I WAS MOLESTED AS A CHILD. IT WAS MY UNCLE. ALTHOUGH AT THE TIME, I SORT OF THOUGHT OF HIM AS MY BOYFRIEND, TOO.>>[ Voice breaking ] I LIT A CAT ON FIRE.>>I DRINK A BOTTLE OF LISTERINE EVERY MORNING.>>THE ONLY WAY I CAN ACHIEVE ORGASM…>>I KNOW THAT I’M A FRAUD.>>…AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.>>I’VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN.>>HE’S SAYING, “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T.”>>HE’S MY BROTHER.>>I’M ALWAYS THINKING ONE DAY MY FAMILY IS GONNA COME HOME…>>[ Voice breaking ] THE DOORS FLEW OPEN, AND I FLEW OUT.>>…AND FIND MY BODY.>>I STAND UP THERE, AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT WOULD BE SO PEACEFUL, YOU KNOW, BUT I JUST — I DON’T HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT.>>[ CHUCKLES AND SNIFFLES ] BRETT, IT — IT’S YOUR TURN. [ SIGHS ]>>YOU KNOW, I-I DON’T REALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE. I DON’T REALLY KNOW YOU GUYS. TURN THE CAMERAS BACK ON. [ STATIC ] SO THEN I SAY, “FRANCIS, I DON’T CARE HOW MANY TIMES WE’VE BEEN WINE-TASTING TOGETHER, YOU’RE ALWAYS GONNA BE MR. COPPOLA TO ME,” YOU KNOW? OH, I’M HUNGRY. MMM. MMM. SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR FOOD, ALISON?>>UM, I’M — I’M VEGAN.>>CHEF PIERRE, WILL YOU COME OUT HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?>>[ French accent ] OUI, MONSIEUR GELMAN. WHAT MAY I DO FOR YOU?>>MISS PILL APPARENTLY HAS A COMPLAINT ABOUT THE FOOD.>>NO, NO. I-I…>>HOWDAREYOU?! DO YOU KNOW WHO I HAVE COOKED FOR?! KINGS, QUEENS, PEDOPHILES! YOU SHOULD WASH YOURSELF. WASH YOURSELF, WHORE!>>ALL RIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH! WE ALL KNOW THAT IT’S YOU, JOEY.>>[ Voice breaking ] WHY ARE YOU SAYING THESE THINGS TO ME?>>[ Normal voice ] OH, HEY. HEY. I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY.>>NO, HE DIDN’T BECAUSE WE’RE JUST P-P-P-PRANKING! [ LOUD BAND MUSIC PLAYS ] WHOA! WHOA!>>DON’T BE UPSET. LISTEN, I WAS JUST ROASTING YOU. BEING VEGAN IS REALLY WONDERFUL. IT WAS JUST LIKE A ROAST.>>THAT’S OKAY. I…>>THANKS, JOEY. [ MUSIC STOPS ] OH, AND REMEMBER, GUYS. JOEY IS STILL WITHOUT REPRESENTATION, SO MAKE THE CALL. ALL RIGHT. BYE, JOEY.>>OKAY, BYE, GUYS.>>[ INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS ]>>YOU’RE GONNA STAY HERE FOREVER. THIS IS HELL.>>SO, I’VE WRITTEN A PLAY, AND I WROTE ALL THE PARTS WITH YOU GUYS IN MIND, AND IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT TO HEAR IT ON ITS FEET. IT’S ENTITLED “THE DINNER.” ALISON, YOU’LL BE PLAYING THE PART OF ESTER UGLY. FRED, YOU WILL BE JOHN GARBAGE. DALE, YOU WILL BE PLAYING CHARLOTTE SHOULD-BE-DEAD. LANCE, YOU WILL BE TONY OVERRATED-BAG-OF-CRAP, AND GILBERT, YOU PROBABLY HAVE MY FAVORITE PART IN THE WHOLE PLAY — HARRY HACKENSTEIN.>>ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. WE’RE NOT DOING IT.>>WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NOW?>>THE PROBLEM IS, THESE AREN’T EVEN NAMES. THEY’RE JUST INSULTS.>>THERE’S NO WAY I’M DOING THIS.>>NO, YOU’RE DOING IT, STUPID.>>NONE OF US ARE DOING THIS PLAY.>>THAT’S RIGHT. NONE OF US ARE DOING IT.>>AU CONTRAIRE. I THINK YOU CAN’T WAIT TO DO MY PLAY. BUT DON’T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. TAKE YOUR WORDS FOR IT. [ BEEP ]>>I DID A HIT-AND-RUN ONCE.I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY.>>I WAS MOLESTED AS A CHILD.IT WAS MY UNCLE.>>AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.>>[Voice breaking]I LITA CAT ON FIRE.I’M LEAVING.>>HEY, THAT’S FINE. YOU’RE ALL FREE TO LEAVE.>>I’M HAVING AN AFFAIRWITH A MARRIED —[ BEEP ]>>[Muffled]HELP!HELP![SHOUTS INDISTINCTL]HELP!>>WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE HERE. [ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]>>MMM. THIS FOOD BE GOOD.>>OH, IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL THIS?>>DO I EAT WITH MY BUTT?>>WHAT’S A BUTT?>>IT’S WHAT YOU USE TO STAND SMALL ON AND MAKE YOUR DIRT. [ AIR HORN BLOWS ] [ MUSIC STOPS ]>>NO, THIS ISN’T WORKING. I’M JUST NOT BELIEVING THAT YOU’RE THIS STUPID. [ SIGHS ] LANCE, STAND UP. PLEASE STAND UP, LANCE.>>[ SIGHS ]>>NOW COME TOWARDS ME — STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME.>>YOU WANT ME TO –>>YES. I WANT YOU TO STEP ON IT, SEE WHAT HAPPENS.>>BUT I ALREADY KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN.>>MAYBE YOU NEED TO FORGET WHAT YOU KNOW AND WALK TOWARDS ME.>>NO.>>[ CHUCKLES ] [ BEEP ] IS THAT YOUR HOUSE?>>YES.>>AND YOUR FAMILY’S INSIDE?>>YES.>>WELL… MY FAMILY’S OUTSIDE.>>WHAT THE…? PLEASE DON’T HURT MY FAMILY.>>NO HARM WILL COME TO YOUR FAMILY AS LONG AS YOU PLAY BANANA BALL.>>OH!>>[ GASPS ]>>[ LAUGHS ] SEE? NOW THE REST OF YOU ARE GOING TO — [ PAGER BEEPING ] MM. OKAY. I GOT TO PUT REHEARSAL ON PAUSE FOR A SECOND. I HAVE SOME BUSINESS TO TEND TO. WHAT DO YOU NEED?>>THE USUAL.>>COUGH IT UP.>>THANKS, BRETT. THIS IS GONNA HELP A LOT.>>YEAH, WHATEVER.>>HOW COULD YOU?>>RELAX. IT’S FOR HIS DAD, SEE? [ TRUNK-AJAR BELL DINGS ] [ SIREN WAILS ]>>COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!>>WHAT? THE COPS! WHO CALLED THE [BLEEP] PIGS?! DALE, IT WAS YOU, WASN’T IT?!>>NO, NO, NO. I SWEAR! I’VE BEEN WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME!>>DESSERT! DESSE-E-RT! ALL RIGHT, PALS, IT’S GAME TIME. WHO’S WITH ME? LANCE, HOW ABOUT YOU, HUH? [ GUN COCKS ] THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. WE ALL KNOW WE WERE BORN DIFFERENTLY FROM ALL THE NORMALS OUT THERE. WHAT’S A COP? WHAT’S A PERSON? A SACK OF MEAT HERE ONE MINUTE AND THEN WORM SHIT FOR ETERNITY, BUT TONIGHT WE CAN LIVE FOREVER! THE WORLD OUT THERE IS THE WORLD THAT RAPED YOU! THAT CONVINCED YOUR FATHER TO LEAVE! THAT KILLED THE PERSON THAT YOU HIT AND RAN FROM! SO ARE YOU WITH THE WORLD, OR ARE YOU WITHUS?!>>I’M IN.>>[ WHIMPERS ] [ Voice quivering ] I’M IN. I’M IN. I’M IN!>>THEY MIGHT BE WEARING VESTS, SO AIM FOR THE HEADS. [ CHIMPANZEE SCREECHES LIGHTLY ] OH. IT’S JUST OFFICER BONGO. IT’S OKAY, EVERYBODY. YOU CAN PUT YOUR GUNS DOWN. PASS THEM TO THE WAITERS.>>BUT — BUT THERE WERE NO COPS?>>OH, NO. OFFICER BONGO IS A COP. HE’S JUST ON MY PAYROLL. THAT’S RIGHT. HE’S CORRUPT. I OWN HIS CUTE LITTLE ASS. BUT, THEN AGAIN, I GOT A LOT OF HIGHER-UPS ON MY PAYROLL, LIKE SENATOR ACORN… AMBASSADOR LONG NECK.>>EXCUSE ME. MR. GELMAN? UM, ONE OF THE GUNS IS MISSING.>>OH. I SEE. OH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME OF… FRISKY BUSINESS. ARMS.>>THIS IS RIDICULOUS.>>[ SIGHS ] [ GUN COCKS ]>>HANDS UP, YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE. [ BREATHES HEAVILY ]>>ALL RIGHT, GILBERT, YOU GOT ME. YOU WIN. PULL THE TRIGGER. BLOW MY BRAINS ALL OVER FRED’S PRETTY FACE BACK THERE. IT’S OKAY. I KNOW YOU’RE AFRAID, BUT YOU GET TO HAVE THIS. THEY ALL WANT YOU TO DO IT. I DESERVE TO DIE.>>I CAN’T DO IT. I CAN’T DO IT. [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]>>I KNOW. I KNOW, GILBERT. YOU’RE A GOOD GUY. YOU’RE A GOOD GUY. BUT I’M NOT.>>AAH!>>[ GASPS ]>>YOU KILLED HIM!>>YOU, DRAG THIS SACK OF FILTH OUT BACK, GET A SHOVEL, AND DIG A DUNCE-SIZE HOLE. AND WE’RE GONNA BE WATCHING THE WHOLE THING ON THE DIG CAM.>>I’M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS.>>[ Chuckling ] THE ONLY THING YOU’RE GETTING ON YOU IS DIRT, MR. DIRT. NOW GET YOU DIGGING. [ LAUGHS ]>>OH, MY GOD.>>[ SIGHS ]>>SO YOU’RE JUST GONNA TORTURE US… TORTURE US AND KILL US.>>TORTURE YOU? I’M TEACHING YOU.>>W-W-WHAT — WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING US? THAT — THAT EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS?>>YOU THINK WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS MAKING A DIFFERENCE? YOU ARE A DISTURBED PERSON WHO NEEDS HELP!>>WRONG. I’M TEACHING YOU THAT YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE. YOU THINK YOU’RE UNTOUCHABLE, BUT, IN FACT, YOU ARE QUITE TOUCHABLE. YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ME. YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A BEGGAR ON THE STREETS! SO, WELCOME. WELCOME TO WHO YOU REALLY ARE. [ BODY THUDS ]>>OH! UGHHH!>>OHH!>>KILL YOU!!>>AAH! AAH!>>DIE, YOU MOTHER!>>[ Foreign accent ] WELL, IT’S MY UNDERSTANDING THAT SOMEONE HAS FOOD POISONING!>>JOEY! DO SOMETHING, JOEY! OHH!>>[ Normal voice ] BRETT.>>I’M NOT PRANKING, JOEY! HE-E-LP!>>JOEY…>>OH!>>…GO HOME.>>[ Crying ] SORRY, BRETT!>>OHH!>>UGHH! UGH!>>STOP! WHAT — WHAT ARE WE DOING? I THINK WE KILLED HIM.>>[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]>>UGH!>>OHH!>>[ GURGLING ] [ GRUNTS ] [ GROANS ] WHERE AM I? WHAT’S GOING ON?>>DON’T YOU [BLEEP] MOVE!>>[ GASPS ]>>[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? AM I IN ACTOR HEAVEN?>>LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW.>>NO, I DON’T KNOW. OH. LAST THING I REMEMBER, I WAS IN MY BATHROOM DECIDING NOT TO TAKE MY MEDICATION.>>YOUR — YOUR MEDICATION?>>YEAH, FOR MY VIOLENT EPISODES. WHY ARE YOU GUYS LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? DID I DO SOMETHING BAD?>>YOU REALLY DON’T REMEMBER?>>I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS. BUT YOU KILLED GILBERT GOTTFRIED.>>WHAT? KILLED GILBERT GOTTFRIED? I DON’T EVEN KNOW GILBERT GOTTFRIED.>>YES, YOU DO, BRETT. AND YOU KILLED HIM.>>[ SHUDDERING ] WHAT DID I DO? [ Crying ] WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO?>>YOU DID DO A TERRIBLE THING, BUT IT WASN’T YOU, BRETT.>>[ Sobbing ] I MADE A MISTAKE!>>Y-YOU DID. THAT’S TRUE. BUT — BUT NOW, YOU CAN JUST LET US GO, AND EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE FINE.>>I MADE A MISTAKE!! [ SOBBING CONTINUES ] I KILLED GILBERT GOTTFRIED. BUT… [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] …I SHOULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF YOU.>>YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.>>I LIED. I DON’T TAKE MEDICATION. I BELIEVE IN NATURAL CURES.>>JUST PLEASE [BLEEP] KILL US ALREADY.>>NO. I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO LET YOU GO.>>NO, THIS IS SOME SORT OF A TRICK.>>NO. HERE’S THE SITUATION. THE FOOTAGE FROM THIS EVENING WILL BE LOCKED IN A VAULT. NO ONE WILL EVER SEE IT. SO DON’T TELL ANYBODY WHAT HAPPENED HERE BECAUSE [CHUCKLES] IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. AND I WILL BE WATCHING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU… FROM NOW ON. SO HAVE A GREAT REST OF YOUR LIVES. OH. AND DON’T FORGET TO SMILE. [ CHUCKLES ] NOW GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE!! [ ALL SCREAMING ] [ GUNSHOTS ]>>GET OUT OF HERE!>>[ Sighing ] OH. [ SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS ]

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Comments

  1. This would be fine as a comedy sketch that goes for 3-4 minutes. 22 minutes is too long, and it forces the writers to find ways to protract the scenario so that it fits into a 30-minute television slot.

  2. You call this comedy? You could fill this table with all the a-list celebrities in the world and Brett Gelman could make it the most un-funny stinky piece of shit ever. Cringe levels are off the chart.

  3. So you cancel world piece and then give a coke head pedophile a show… that’s it I’m goin full blown anti Semite fuck the Jews

  4. Tim and Eric awesome show is funny…MDE is funny…Eric Andre show is funny…This show is not even remotely close to funny

  5. The "joke" here being the idea of obnoxious people who think EVERY LITTLE WORD coming out of their boring ass mouth is the FUNNIEST SHIT EVER. And yet pays zero attention to the things people around them say. People who always have an excuse for their own shitty behaivior and an angry rant for when anyone else slightly messes up at all. Satire isnt funny like "hahahaha that was so hilarious!" Satire is funny like "huh, oh shit, maybe im kind of an asshole?" or "OH SHIT this is how everyone in my family acts now I have a metaphor to explain their behavior through!" Just cuz it doesn't have you pissing your pants rolling on the floor doesn't mean there was no comedic value, and even if you truly believe there's nothing funny… Could you maybe, for just ONE QUICK SECOND, consider that maybe comedy isnt the only purpose of someone's art? Just because you began this video with the expectation of "oh, Adult Swim! That's a comedy network! This is going to be a comedy video! This will be funny!" and it didnt make you laugh, doesn't mean the video failed. It just means you had innaccurate expectations for what was obviously an abstract horror-comedy. This isnt Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law's Adult Swim, this is post-Wham City Comedy/Alan Resnick Adult Swim. If shit like Unedited Footage of a Bear and This House Has People In It isnt up your alley, then I'd recommend that you don't watch any videos longer than 9 minutes on Adult Swim's channel. They're all gonna be weird, abstract, awkward, atmospheric, "painfully unfunny" horror comedy videos. Yes, occasionally the horror percentage and the comedy percentage are different for each video, some are more flat out funny some are more blatantly disturbing. For the same reason I dont watch Logan Paul videos (i know i will not enjoy them or have fun watching them) yall should stop watching these if you need a higher percentage than 60-65% of comedy in every video you watch.

  6. Awkwardness isn't humor. It makes people laugh uncomfortably, not because it's funny. Interesting how it took Gelman mere seconds before shoehorning a babies a$$ into the sketch. What the hell is wrong with these people ?

  7. Can't tell if this is a seminar on how to draw out a setup or how to telegraph a punchline.
    Brett, the faux straight-man routine worked for Will Farrell, not you. The trick is that you have to have jokes. A played out delivery does not a joke make.

  8. It's fine. It was well received by people who actually watched it. The dislikes are from Sam Hyde's brainwashed army of pee bottle collectors. Sam's joke was a good one, but I refuse to believe he actually thought World Peace would last longer than one season on that network with all the "hidden" content he was slipping in there. So either his anger is fake and he's just fucking with Tim and Gelman for the sake of fucking with them, or he's a paranoid idiot taking issue with two comedians instead of the bloated Time Warner execs that actually canceled the show.

    This is better than anything he's ever done either way. The only thing that even comes close is the bit in the mirror about sugar making him kooky. That's the funniest thing he ever did.

  9. Ohohohohohohhohohohohohhohoooooooohhohohohohoooooohohohohohohohoooohohhohohohohohhohohoooo hahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!! Ohohohohohohohohooohohohohohohohohohohohohoh!!!

  10. not so much comedy as a weird undercurrent social commentary for comedians lol, a bit of an echo chamber. still interesting in a weird depressing way, I don't know if there's a word for it. if I can say anything it isnt a proper escape from reality it basically feelts like semi artistic torture. maybe if youre used to getting tortured this is funny and proper catharsis

  11. I notice Sam Hyde hasn't been getting much work lately. Maybe he can find a job wiping Brett Gelman's butthole. Now THAT'S comedy!

  12. This is complete trash+the anti-American scum at adultswim got rid of MDE for this pile of crap. MDE was awesome and I boycotted adultswim and tne as a fan since 2002. You can take this garbage and sink in your bad ratings and sjw stupidity. I hope you get sued real soon

  13. People like Brett Gelman helped turn me into a Nazi. He may as well be a woman because women aren't funny and neither is Brett. I wish Sam Hyde was really a serial killer.

  14. "do you know who I have cooked for?!?"

    "Wash yourself whore!"

    haha this is gold. if you think it's cringy, that's the point

  15. "Brett gelman is a strong brave crusader of justice who always stands up for what's right."
    – Sam Hyde

  16. This is pretty bad. Brett looks like the kind of guy that would slap your kid for running in his house, and as funny as that sounds, he'd find a way to just make it creepy.

  17. It is impressive that these actors making this production were willing and able to create that total madness. I thought it really 'gelled' at the end.
    RIP Gilbert Gottfried

  18. Apparently people don't understand what abstract humor is. Me and all my friends love this because we all have the same twisted sense of humor. Sorry this can't be like the Big Bang Theory or what ever you pussies find actually funny. Comedy is a spectrum and if you don't find it funny you obviously don't have the right mind set for it.

  19. and everyone applauded. in that other universe where I'm a complete imbecile and was born ten minutes ago I like how this let me discover my conscience by spelling shit out for me.

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