Divorce after 50: Would You Ever Get Married Again? Redefining Happily Ever After!


why do I let those questions from
well-meaning I assume family and friends impact me is is part of what I think
women our age struggle with absolutely I could totally identify with that thanks so much for tuning into our second act with Paige and Silke Deann
Salcido is back for one more segment with us discussing gray divorce will
link to our former segments and just if you didn’t see our former segments Deann
is a divorce attorney she’s a former family court judge and she also is now a
divorce coach primarily for women we tend to seek advice in that direction
but you also work with men of course we’ll link to all of your information
Deann you brought up a really interesting topic to me that I want to dedicate
actually a whole segment to and that is what you know what divorce what our life
looks like when I think you called it when the ring comes off redefining
happily ever after tell me what you meant by that
oh well I can just like basically share with you when I went through my divorce
2.5 I was about to turn 50 I was convinced that I was going to die a
lonely death surrounded by a hundred hungry cats and that you know I’ve been
lucky you know if I could maybe have a man had breakfast with me at Denny’s one
day I just was like I’m not getting this right but eventually I did do you
know the whole learn to love yourself first approach to dating after divorce
and I really didn’t care at that point whether I had a significant other in my
life because I learned to be happy by myself so that was critical obviously
after divorce you have to first heal and you have to understand who you are and
be comfortable with who you are obviously right but I now I’m in a
happy relationship and we’ve been together four years and we met on tinder
in fact which I think a lot of people our age found odd at first I don’t know
about you very well I don’t find it odd because yeah I met my boyfriend online
dating as well and all that stigma is I think that has disappeared on yeah yeah
it’s gone and I think it’s great because I mean who wants to go out to the bars
at our age right we can easily do like meet and greets do coffees and get to
know someone and it’s it’s a lot easier than going onto the bars and being that
person like what are they doing here you know so I
I’m so excited about the online dating I fact I give courses on that I’m giving
one soon in San Diego on creating profiles for
online dating but one of the things we were talking about off-camera was this
whole pressure that if you are happily in a new relationship are you supposed
to be getting married again and for someone like me I go back and forth on
that I’m happy with my boyfriend I I want him to propose but then like what I
say yes and what I want to get married is it really just my ego it’s my ego
saying why doesn’t he ask me because we’re not broken we’re not trying to
have children so why do I let those questions from well-meaning I assume
family and friends impact me is is part of what I think women our age I struggle
with absolutely I could totally identify with that because I mean we I’ve been in
a very very happy relationship for almost seven years now
and that’s it well what’s what doesn’t doesn’t you want to get married right I
don’t I mean that’s when I think about it I’m
like okay so let’s just say he did I mean obviously I wouldn’t mind wearing a
ring I’d love a beautiful ring on my hand and I’m I think we need to be
comfortable saying to ourselves and to our loved ones that I’m not at never and
I’m not at today you know some way somewhere between today and and not
never yeah I’m happy but that then that’s part
of what it looks like you know redefining happily ever after no we
don’t have to get married it’s we had that pressure already yeah you know and
it’s not been a good thing for me I’ve been the one paying support I’ve been
the one cheated on so the idea of like oh you’re in love you must get married
I think that’s an antiquated notion these days but it doesn’t mean I don’t
struggle with it at times because I’m like what doesn’t he ask me and I’m all
a lot better than his ex-wife why the hell hasn’t he asked me it is
the ego absolutely and when I recognized it to the ego then
I’m like okay bring it down a notch and you’re happy so that’s all that matters
I bet there’s a lot of women that can identify with what we’re talking about
right I’m sure because you know but I seriously I know he should and he says I
think about it but I’m never gonna want to be in a position where I pressure
someone but it’s mostly the ego I think at this point because I’m not trying to
have children I don’t need him financially so it’s you want to be
designed desired and I guess that is or has especially women are or age that’s
the ultimate you know prove the age group thank you
social proof social proof there’s no to is social proof that that do me and it’s
not that’s something that just needs to change it really does because I’m here
to tell you as a former divorce judge as a divorce attorney
social proof doesn’t matter because that’s why we had over a million
divorces per year in America those are marriages so social proof is not worth
the paper it’s written on essentially that marriage certificate does not
guarantee happily ever after and that’s that’s the cold truth yeah no exactly
and I I think I read that in that same article in a reference in an earlier
segment Psychology Today that just the institution of marriage especially with
our age group just brings so much more baggage or expectations to it that if
you stay stay single it removes that there’s there’s it was interesting I’ll
link to it but you know again that you just bring extra problems societally
imposed and that’s you know that you don’t have if you don’t get married so
yeah and then don’t forget we talked on on the other segment too about how it
might impact your retirement ability to collect Social Security and then if you
are in a second or you know multiple third marriage you have adult children
they might be wondering like why do you have to get married you’re not having
kids and so there’s just issues that maybe you don’t need to create by
getting married yeah I think the advice here is just really like what you said
heal for one so when you’re ready for a new relationship that you don’t bring
you don’t bring that the old you to the table because
obviously something you know in any divorce it’s a 50/50 thing I mean
there’s you know some some people are just real assholes both men and women we
can all contribute to to the failure of a marriage so work on yourself really
especially at this time in our life what do we really want you know really have a
good understanding and who is that what what does our ideal retirement ideal
relationship look like and you might be surprised that it shows up oh yeah for
sure no seriously I’m having the time of my life and I’m living my best life ever
and this is at 54 not married but I’m living with someone and we’re happy so
it’s possible you don’t need a ring you’re not defined by your ring finger
your marital status is overrated so happiness comes from within yeah no
absolutely again we are already coming to the end of our segment again what
what’s a final thought on this that you’d like to leave with our viewers if
you’re dating after a divorce I just really want to emphasize again that do
not define yourself by society’s expectations one person recently taught
me she’s a palliative nurse and that what people regret at their end of their
life is not being true to themselves that’s the biggest regret so if you want
a divorce don’t beat yourself up for it forgive
yourself and if you got divorced don’t put yourself it happened
just be true to yourself and that will never ever be something that you regret
yeah no I couldn’t agree with you more I Deanna thank you so much for joining
me we will link to all of your information as I mentioned on the top of
the segment Deann is a divorce coach so if you do find yourself struggling you know
with maybe starting your life or or maybe you’re struggling with the
decision to have a divorce or leave a relationship we’ll to information Deann
– so people can get in touch with you directly and was
see you next time on our second act with Paige and Silke thanks for everything
thanks for everything thanks so much for watching if you haven’t already done so please be sure to subscribe to our channel the button is right over here
just click on through to YouTube and when you see that little bell right next
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Comments

  1. I date through Tinder and Match. Marriage is as outdated as the internal cumbustion engine. Ladies still have a princess fantacy. I preach against marriage and divorce lawyers are the primary reason, secondarily, the unfair state laws that favor women over men in divorce. Marriage? Forgetaboutit!

  2. Absolutely not. The only way I would ever even consider cohabiting/marrying a woman is if her income and assets were far larger than mine. Getting financially raped by a woman who decided they "weren't happy" anymore will never happen to me again.

  3. Well, need to get finished with the divorce being screwed over train wreck first then we will see. I'm not so sure about marriage and to some degree co-habitation, firstly the financial cost is significant at 50+ should things go wrong again. Second the issue of trust both yourself and the other is a hard road to travel. Maybe a different form of relationship based on keeping your own place, company and establishment of trust by shared interests at first then. maybe i think to much – I know women who had to get married and went for men 10 yrs younger in a rush as apparently no good men left, and others who would like to meet a nice guy but still haven't taken that risk. I think it depends a lot on your past experience with marriage if it were abusive (I don't like to word abuse other than for extreme violence – its more the term neglectfully harmful or vacant because this is pervasive and wastes lives without the person being affected able to see easily whats going on – narcissists and Cluster Bs do this). Abuse implies a victim and having victim mindset is destructive (loser talk) the other term means your not a victim but blind and under fire or an idiot like i was. Now if that's the past marriage again will seen dreadful, I think the judge is correct, heal yourself then slowly slowly trust the world again one step at a time . Is it worth it – the jury is still out. (don't mention the family court to a man in today's world 1 in 10 men here commit suicide after family court 4% of cases get to court), those are scary stats, survive it and caution becomes your coat of arms.

  4. Thank you for the segment. Most of what is said I agree with however it deepens my sadness. I am divorced and divorced because I did not follow good solid advice from God and I did not listen to my instincts. Nobody's fault but my own. However the institution of marriage is a wonderful one and it saddens me that we enter it so flippantly without seeking God's guidance. Being married to the one that God intended is a wonderful thing and the more we discount marriage as an institution, discount the possibility or say that it's not needed the worst that we as humans become. It isn't hard to find news articles, editorials, clinical and psychological research showing the increasing numbers of depression, loneliness, isolation. Whether you are a Believer or not you have to understand that there is a force that has been working toward having this be the case all along, to have people isolated, miserable and refusing to make any attempt @true, sincere, deep connected relationship.
    I truly wish everyone the best – myself included. I refuse to believe that this is just all there is.

  5. A lot of people in their 50s and older can't get married again without losing money they want to leave their kids! The finance question is huge for a lot of people. Thank God we no longer have to worry about having kids…but I'd still like to be married again to have the law in my court.

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