Dreams Expectations Marriage And More – Covenant vs Contract


have you ever wondered why over half of
all marriages fail did your parents divorce
have you been negatively affected by the D word you’re not alone and I think I
know the reason why it happens let’s talk about it barry Smith here pastor of 25 years
author husband dad and a guy who had the concept of marriage all messed up for
quite a few years if divorce would have been an option my
first 2 to 5 years of marriage I would have taken it my wife would have – I was
a youth pastor when I got married so the church kind of frowned on that option I
think both of our sets of parents would pretty much be against it – if we don’t
get a solid foundation started at the very beginning of our marriages and all
relationships for that matter we’re destined to follow in the
footsteps of those who have gone before us and I don’t want that for you
there isn’t answer though from our previous video we saw that every
meaningful relationship has two boxes the dreams desires and wishes box and
the expectations box we saw that the minute we move something from the dreams
box into the expectations box the dynamic of the relationship changes
especially in a marriage there’s no room for unconditional love there’s no
appreciation there’s no intimacy because when our spouse does something that we
expect we just expect it they’re supposed to do whatever it was that they
did now I realized that there are some exceptions like fidelity and honesty but
most every young person getting married has a laundry list of dreams desires and
wishes that they have going on and going in their heads into marriage and all
that is fine but when we move them into the expectations box disaster is waiting
much of this happens when we can change the dynamic of the relationship we play
games to cope with our dysfunctions just to survive but that’s not God’s best for
you marriage is the most important and
intimate relationship that anyone can have besides a relationship with God the
Genesis 2:23 2:24 says the man said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my
flesh she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man
that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and
they become one flesh now there’s not enough time to research and talk about
the intricacies of this passage but becoming one flesh is sex it’s intimacy
the two become one and the one is not to be separated Jesus confirmed this in
matthew 19:4 two six haven’t you read he replied that the beginning the creator
made them male and female and said for this reason a man will leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh so they
are no longer two but one flesh therefore what God has joined together
let no one separate the marriage is meant to be a covenant relationship a
bond a commitment and undying loyalty a solemn and binding relationship between
two people but it’s not a contract and this is this is where it can get a
little slippery and this is where confusion can set in the contract is
where one party agrees to do one thing and another party agrees to do another
thing they each have their share to fulfill you buy a car the dealership
provides the car and the purchaser provides the money but a marriage is a
covenant where each side provides a hundred percent each party agrees to go
all in each spouse commits to unconditional love unconditional in a
covenant it’s an agreement that I will no matter what it’s definitely not a
fifty-fifty relationship at least that’s not the way God meant it to be in a
contract marriage the first two things to go are romance and intimacy and
that’s not good do you remember when you were first dating you couldn’t stay away
from each other no need for a contract this relationship was the beginning of a
covenant but when you settle for a contract marriage compromising for the
sake of peace it’s really just another way of managing expectations and the
beginning of the probable end because we move our relationship to a debt debtor
relationship the result is that romance and intimacy and the stuff that makes
marriage really great it evaporate another way to express these
expectations is you owe me you’re my wife
you owe me this you’re the husband you owe me this
and we look at our vows and say dude you owe me you said in front of your dad
blah blah blah oh yeah well you said in front of your mom mama’s boy
blah blah blah all that stuff you said it ain’t happening now I’m holding you
to it because in a debt debtor relationship
there’s no recognition of unconditional love there’s no room for grace after all
if you expect something and your spouse gives it to you how much credit do they
get none because that’s what they’re supposed to do it’s the expectation
don’t expect me to throw a big celebration because you did what you’re
supposed to do you’re up to zero you’re up to break-even congratulations you
don’t get credit for loving me you’re supposed to do that
mortgage companies don’t write you with long perfumed love letters with
chocolate on it says dear Barry once again we want to write thank you for
sending in your mortgage payment here’s a hundred other gift card to out back we
love you know they don’t do that I’m just fulfilling my part of the contract
it’s what’s expected of me when there’s two big knees in the marriage it
squeezes out the potential for unconditional love because love is a
gift the only time you get a personalized letter from a debtor is
when you miss a payment you miss enough payments and you’ll get a personal phone
call and that’s what happens in some of our marriages if you do everything right
there’s peace but not a lot of love but if you mess up just a little you’ll get
some personalized attention and it’s almost always negative for instance if
you like a neat home and you come home and your family is scrambling putting
everything away and you keep this desire in the dreams desires and wishes box and
90% of everything is put away you’re gonna appreciate your spouse and kids
for trying to fulfill that desire way to go guys the house looks great
but if you expect it and you walk in and a few things are out of place there’s
stress and nobody feels loved or appreciate it
and there’s no intimacy some of you gals are dating a guy dreaming together and
when you get engaged everything’s great and he says honey I’m gonna buy you a
big house and I’ll own my own business and make a lot of money and we’ll have a
white picket fence and 2.4 kids it’s just gonna be great
and you walk down the aisle with all those dreams and desires and wishes
thinking that this is awesome then you get married and later on it doesn’t
happen and she moves those dreams desires and wishes into the expectation
box and now she’s thinking I said I do and he said he would and I did and he
hasn’t where’s the big house and fence kids in the business that you promised
and all of a sudden a legitimate desire turns into an expectation and things get
ugly when two big Me’s are married unconditional love and intimacy can’t be
found because it’s a debt debt or relationship all because of what’s in
the expectations box and don’t get me wrong we all have legitimate god-given
desires to be respected cherished to have companionship to be accepted to
experience love and intimacy to be desired
all of those are god-given but some desires only God can fill but here’s the
thing the minute we move desires out of this box and put them on the shoulders
of our spouse in the form of an expectation the dynamic changes and now
they owe you then it’s all about performance instead of unconditional
love here’s how you know if you’ve moved the desires to expectations it’s just
two simple things your expression of gratitude and your acts of service
because we don’t express gratitude for things that we’ve come to expect like an
employee that’s just his job he’s supposed to do that the frequency or in
frequency of your expressions of gratitude for the little daily routine
kinds of things it tells you in a heartbeat if you’ve mentally and maybe
emotionally transition from desire to expectation some of you are stay-at-home
moms maybe you’ve never looked your husband in the eye and said thanks for
allowing me to have one of my dreams come true to be a stay at
mom do you appreciate that that the fact that that’s happening have you ever
expressed it maybe some of you husbands have a wife like mine she just gets it
all done you walk in and the laundry’s done dishes the house it’s all clean and
the meals are great too it’s amazing what my wife Tammy can accomplish in the
time that she has available how many times have I genuinely said thank you
not enough some guys might still think but isn’t
that what she’s supposed to do you’re in the wrong box my friend expressions of
gratitude how about thanks for shuffling the kids around and preparing the meals
gals how about thanks for coming home let alone coming home on time
because there’s a lot of guys a lot of spouses that just don’t come home they
stay out all night and you don’t even know where they are but you might be
thinking yeah but I want him home early he’s supposed to be a family man and I
get that but it’s moved from desire to expectation when that happens it’s gonna
put your marriage in jeopardy because it’s in a debt debt a relationship and
it’ll destroy unconditional love expressions of gratitude and acts of
service an act of service is like you walking by something around the house
that needs to be done and you know your spouse would normally do that and you
walk on by and go yeah they’ll get it like the dishes you know you’ve moved
from desires to expectations if your acts of service and expressions of
gratitude are minimal which probably means it’s all about me so is it
possible to keep everything inside of the box of dreams desires and wishes
what would happen if you could keep them all there imagine going through your
marriage discovering and meeting your spouse’s desires and dreams
that’s where unconditional love happens because it wasn’t expected intimacy and
romance would be fueled however expectation erodes intimacy in marriage
the desires box is a covenant saying I will even if you won’t it’s not easy but
I will even if you won’t the expectations box is a contract that says
I will only if you will first in the next three videos we’ll try to get
everything in the out of the expectations box and over to
the dreams and desires box it is possible and it begins with your answer
to this question this one question what is your spouse owe you this question
sets you up to get everything out of one box and into the other what does your
spouse owe you because the answer to that question tells you what’s in the
expectations box and until you know what’s in there you won’t know how to
move it from expectations to the desires box the dreams box
what is your spouse owe you and as always be sure to LIKE share comment and
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appreciate it and comment below if you agree and why or why not
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