Welcome, friend, to Edgar Allan Poe’s murder mystery invite-only casual dinner party/gala for friends potluck. Agatha Christie said she would be running late. Now, Lenore will bring out the soup. *laughs* Sorry we’re late. When will someone be murdered? Look here, before this night goes on, I have something to say. *gasps* Lenore: Right in the soup! Eddie! Can someone please get his face out of my soup? I worked really hard on it– This is fun! No no, this–this isn’t– Oh, were–were we supposed to do that as well? H, for God’s sakes, have some dignity. No, sweetie, I think we’re supposed to wait our turns to put our faces in the soup. No. The soup is just for eating. Soup is not for eating. Soup is for drinking and throwing on the ground as you demand real food. Have you heard of okroshka? It is cold soup. Cold soup–who would ever want such a thing? Oh, I get it! So now we gotta figure out what kinda soup it is! No! *coughs* This is meant to be the first murder we solve. *clears throat* As prominent abolitionist Flanders Winterbottom, I declare that we abolish slavery henceforth! How does this work again? I don’t think he’s breathing. What, really? No, I mean, this isn’t part of the game! The game of life and the game of death have one thing in common: They do not care what you want. Beautiful. So did you, uh, check out the latest sports? Naturally. Say, what sort of skin balm do you use? You have absolutely no shaving bumps. Thank you–thank you. Eddie?! Eddie!! Oh, she really is committed. Fine, then the murder mystery is underway. The first thing we need to do is determine a motive. Who benefitted most from killing– Virgil, the foul-smelling orangutan? *laughs* Orangutan. *laughs* Edgar, really? Come on. Virgil? That’s a terrible name. This is an actual murder! No need to sell it any further, friend. We’re all playing along now! Firstly, I suspect the soup. How dare you? He did taste it. Oh, how fun! That’s a clue! The–the soup? The soup is a red herring. You would say that. No, like an actual red herring soup with a red pepper garlic sauce. *coughs loudly* Here. Please, a grave and sinister act has been committed here this evening. Yeah. Louisa May’s dress. Oscar: Yes. I only intended to have a night of revelry! Aha! It was you! You stood to gain the most money from Virgil’s death. This isn’t the game! And even if it was you haven’t even heard my character yet. I am western lawman turned bounty hunter Ezekiel Farmer; I have no monetary stake in the death of an orangutan. Also, he’s an orangutan. He has no money. Use your head. Edgar, I can’t feel a pulse. All this talking is balderdash and hooey. Someone or other at school was always falling ill so I taught myself CPR–got top marks, too– Let’s see if this old chap has a pulse, shall we? A murder mystery game that turns into a real murder! Edgar, you’ve outdone yourself! Wait! This wisp of a woman is right! He’s not breathing. Oh no no, I don’t–I um, I don’t do well with–with real death. I swear by the completely natural mustache on my face, this is quite the turn of events. What is this? What have you done, Poe? Edgar? No, no no no, this was, uh, supposed to be a– uh… Lenore? A good time? A good time! What have you gotten us all into? No use crying over spilled milk. We have to scour the room and find a clue as to who could have murdered Eddie and Emily Dickinson. I’m right here– Just…leave my soup out of it. Huh-hoh! Look here you phantasm, you’re a prime suspect. You’d have us think you can’t hold or touch things like sportscoats, and yet, you sit here before us, glued to that martini glass. Okay, I’m SORRY, but I have to concentrate like, really hard in order to hold anything. I can’t even teleport until I’m like, 100 ghost years old. It’s ghost 101. This sort of thing is all I go corporeal for. Haunt these halls no more. Well, this night has taken a dastardly turn. I mean to fetch an inspector. If a crime has indeed been committed by someone, I would prefer if no one leave the scene. Especially you, Raskolnikov. That’s right, don’t think I didn’t notice when you said you’re an escaped convict! And you seemed to recognize Eddie when he first arrived. I am no escaped convict! I was released! As for Mr. Dantes, Yes. I knew him. I had no quarrel with the man! He took me in, and gave me shelter after Siberian prison camp. What tragedy has befallen us all. Such a hard story, but told so beautifully. Well, that’s enough for me! Tie him up and then we’ll all go get help! No. Charlotte is right. We have no proof that Fyodor had anything to do with this. The murderer may leave and we would never be the wiser. Also my house hasn’t passed an inspection in years and I…do not need that kind of heat right now. Psh. Huh. Keh. Hah! Huh. Ernest, you have something to say? When I have something to say, I say it. When I don’t, I stop typing. Have you all gone mad? Are you all in on this? *coughs* I’m getting out of here! *coughing violently* She stopped. She’s better now. *more coughs* *thud* Okay. So?