Ellen and Portia’s Dinner Date


– I WANTED TO SHARE A STORY
WITH YOU. I WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT. PORTIA AND I WENT OUT TO DINNER. [cheers and applause] THANK YOU. WE ATE FOOD. I’M NOT GONNA SAY
WHICH RESTAURANT, SO I’LL SAY THE INITIALS. TGI FRIDAYS. [laughter] NOW, I MADE A RESERVATION
AT A VERY, VERY NICE RESTAURANT BECAUSE PORTIA WAS PAYING, AND I NOTICED SOMETHING STRANGE IS HAPPENING AT RESTAURANTS. WHEN WE SAT DOWN,
THE WAITER WALKS OVER AND SAID,
“HAVE YOU DINED WITH US BEFORE?” FIRST OF ALL,
WHY DO THEY NEED TO KNOW? SECOND OF ALL, SERIOUSLY,
WHY DO THEY NEED TO KNOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE’VE NEVER
EATEN IN A RESTAURANT BEFORE? WE’RE NOT ANIMALS. I MEAN–
ALTHOUGH I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT WE WERE BOTH WEARING
OUR RACCOON DISGUISES. YOU MAY ASK, “WHY WERE YOU
WEARING YOUR RACCOON DISGUISES?” YEAH, WELL,
THERE’S A GOOD REASON. OUR LEMUR DISGUISES
WERE IN THE WASH. “WHY WERE WE WEARING
THE LEMUR DISGUISES,” YOU MAY ASK. YEAH, BECAUSE OUR– WE GOT SPAGHETTI SAUCE
ON THE POLAR BEAR DISGUISES. “WHY POLAR BEAR”–
YEAH. I KNEW YOU WOULD–
PAPARAZZI. LET’S MOVE ON. YOU GOT TO BE CLEVER
IN THIS TOWN. SERIOUSLY, WHY DO RESTAURANTS– YOU KNOW, WHY DO THEY NEED
TO KNOW IF I’VE EATEN THERE? WHY– IT’S NOT LIKE I GO
TO THE POST OFFICE AND THEY ASK, “HAVE YOU MAILED
WITH US BEFORE?” YES, THANKS FOR ASKING. YOU’VE HANDLED MY PACKAGE
MANY, MANY TIMES. THEN IT GOT EVEN STRANGER. THEN THE WAITER SAID, “LET ME
EXPLAIN HOW THE MENU WORKS.” THIS IS DEFINITELY A NEW THING. NO ONE EVER HAD TO EXPLAIN
A MENU BEFORE. WHAT HAS CHANGED? CAN I STILL EAT THE SOUP
WITH A SPOON? DO I USE A STRAW? DO THEY COOK THE FOOD OR GIVE ME JUST A BASKET
OF INGREDIENTS AND A HOT PLATE? HERE’S HOW I EXPECT
THE MENU TO WORK. YOU LIST THE FOOD. IT’S ON THE PIECE OF PAPER
THERE. THEN I PICK OUT WHAT I WANT, AND THEN YOU CARRY IT TO ME. IF THAT’S NOT HOW
YOUR MENU WORKS, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. THAT’S WHAT I– HERE’S WHAT THEY– THEY NEVER HAVE TO EXPLAIN
HOW THE BILL WORKS. THEY JUST SIT IT DOWN AND
RUN AWAY AS FAST AS THEY CAN. ALSO, A LOT OF NEW RESTAURANTS
HAVE SMALL PLATES. HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS? APPARENTLY,
THE NORMAL-SIZE PLATES ARE GONE. AND THEY’RE PROUD OF IT TOO. THEY CALL IT TAPAS. INTERESTING,
“TAPAS” IS A SPANISH WORD THAT MEANS “STILL HUNGRY.” STILL. OH, ANOTHER SMALL ONE? STILL HUNGRY. BY THE WAY, IT SEEMS LIKE
SMALLER PLATES– THEY’RE SMALL,
BUT THEY’RE MORE EXPENSIVE. I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT. WE WENT TO THIS EXCLUSIVE
BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT, AND IT WAS LIKE–
I DON’T KNOW. I’M GONNA SAY $48 FOR A THIMBLE
WITH A RAISIN IN IT. I DON’T WANT TO COMPLAIN.
THE RAISIN WAS DELICIOUS. IT REALLY WAS. BUT I THINK RESTAURANTS
SHOULD STICK TO THE BASES. THEY HAVE REGULAR PLATES,
FRIENDLY SERVICE, ENDLESS BREADSTICKS. THAT’S WHAT I SAY. THAT’S ALL– [cheers and applause] THAT’S ALL I NEED.

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Comments

  1. I think the reason they ask you/do those things is because you know how many people complain about stupid little shit like that. Like asking about stuff on the menu or complain because they have been there or because they haven't. Though those things seem silly to us. Undoubtedly someone has complained to make it that way

  2. I do too hate being asked so many questions when I take my seat. I have worked as a server before, they make a job that should be easy, complicated, and that usually comes from the restaurant's owners. The menu itself should have most of the information that I need to know for me to pick my entree, have visuals too. the plates ARE small nowadays, it's crazy- not only you have to wait a hour to get your food but when it gets there is so tiny you just want to cry lol

  3. Tapas is amazing! You buy a 0.2 l of wine and get a small portion of food. By the 4th glass you are full and off to the bar! Te echo de menos España!

  4. I abs love how much Ellen loves to talk about her beautiful wife.most amazing,most funny and cutest couple on earth

  5. HAHAHA!!! "portia and i went out to dinner" and then the long pause waiting for the forced audience reaction. 

  6. So funny.  She's right — those expensive restaurants in expensive areas of Los Angeles have small plates — and they put the tiniest bid of food in the center of the plate — and charge big bucks for it.  I was taken out a couple times to them by other people and was starving after eating the main course while my hypnotized dinner companions were going "I'm stuffed" for hours afterwards.  So "Have you eaten here before" probably means "So have you been hypnotized yet?"

  7. If she really would've went to TGI Fridays she would've gotten a full plate for cheap and nobody would have asked her if she'd been there or explained how the menu works haha. Not complaining though, I love Ellen.

  8. No they do it ellen ages ago;D its now how modern restaurants work;D because of them now they really have diffrent systems;D

  9. Ellen, If you want big size and really delicious food try to eat at Perú we have really good food and I am so sure you will be full.

  10. Ellen just makes me laugh so hard! But I totally understand waiters and why they do these questions. Seriously, I work in a cinema, and EVERY day I hear really stupid questions, like: "Can I buy tickets here? Do you have popcorn? I want SOME tickets…". Really, people stress you out!

  11. Highkey it makes me kinda nervous when they do this at restaurants too! I know its part of customer service but its kinda excessive sometimes hahaha

  12. im a server at a restaurant and trust me, some people are really stupid they dont even open up the menu and ask stupid questions. and yes there are stupid questions. of fucking course theres salmon in the salmon salad.

  13. She actually paused so that people could applaud! I guess a gay couple going on a date deserves applause?! Lol.

  14. I work at Skyline Chili and we ask if people have dined with us before so that way we can recommend the menu items that made us famous. We also want to make sure we are on our top game for our first time customers, and we give a small gift bag of Skyline Items when they leave.

  15. Amazing how people can get so worked up over a light hearted monologue. It's just to fill time and is a fun, harmless example of how a good comedian can make any situation funny. Lighten up and learn to take a joke! Stop getting offending by EVERYTHING.

  16. Hello I Spanish person and have to say one thing. Tapas isn't a plate for dinner, is a food that bar gives you FREE when you buy one drink (some places put a price on them but is cheap). In the history people use they for “tapar" (cover) the glass of drink and protect them for insects like flyes… Maybe everyone must visit Spain and enjoy the Tapas, Sun, beaches, culture, art, flamenco, mountain… Spain is different and you enjoy this!

  17. mdr 0,6s mdrr when she said we went out4 diner
    the rection when she notice that no one sscreaming or claping
    mddddrr hahahaahahah

  18. Well.. this might Not bei the latest post…. But I need to comment that. Indeed its a waiters job to Serve other people. Some are doing this with Love and they actually go to school to learn it. But such an arrogant attitude made me quit that job after 15 years. It should bei called host and not servant. We are paid for being your host and not to be treated Like a slave. A wise man once Said: you can tell the charactere of a person by watching how he treats the waiter and not how he treats his company. Still… I Love You Ellen. I really do.

  19. Love u Ellen.. They don't explain the bill.. They just rest in down and run.. Maybe u should ask them y they run.. Hilarious..

  20. Ok I have this question in my mind from a long time…how much does an average American spend on food per day

  21. I STRONGLY SUPPORT ELLEN AS I AM A LESBIAN TOO…ELLEN WILL LIVE UP TO 10000 YEARS. IN A NUTSHELL, SHE IS IMMORTAL.

  22. She's kind of talking like on her new show "Relatable" the bit where she is talking about the restaurant and the waiters!

  23. Hey, Ellen, if you want endless breadsticks skip the "exclusive" snotty restaurants and go to Olive Garden. They rock! 🥖🍝🍕🥗🍷😋

  24. well it do happens, when you visit a restaurant who have there presentation unique so they just ask you if you been before or not,
    like starters will be served on table and buffet on the another side, and stuff

  25. Oh no I don’t want to go ahead and head back now or I am your paper is it open writing something I can’t member so wrong that is partly help with so do Do you want me to go ahead and keep walking moose I can see I can find it if not I’m a just head back

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