First time dating a plus size woman | Story Party Tour | True Dating Stories

– But I stopped going out, stopped drinking, stopped partying. I don’t wanna die alone. So what do you do to meet someone? You always get that
advice from your friends. You know, just let love find you. (audience laughing) Just go to the supermarket and you reach for the same avocado. (audience laughing) Now I gotta hang out
in the produce section for eight hours a day. (audience laughing) Just waiting for some
girl to walk in, you know? Oh, yeah, you like that (chuckles)? Yeah, that one’s ripe, yeah (chuckles). That’s creepy, I can’t do that. (audience laughing) You know? So I found a website, a service actually, where you can get set up on blind dates. It’s called It’s Just Lunch. Don’t do it ’cause it’s just a ripoff. They set you up on 12 blind dates. So I used to live in San Francisco. I’m not proud of this, ’cause this service
costs 1,600 US dollars. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Like, wow, he struggles? Yes, even me. Even someone intelligent, good looking, and humble, like myself, I still struggle. (audience cheering) It’s terrible. So anyway, I go on this first date. And you talk to your love agent and you tell her your
preferences, you know? I want a woman who’s small, petite. That way she feels safe ’cause women usually like guys
who are taller and bigger. Right, and she’s like, “Perfect, we have the
perfect match for you.” And I never heard from this woman again. Fast forward a few weeks,
I go on my first date. And I show up to the
restaurant and you’re there. And the restaurant, they’re
in on it, the hostesses. So you tell them, I’m
here for It’s Just Lunch. And the woman says, (gasps)
“Your date’s here already. (squeals) “We’ll send her right over.” I didn’t know what she
looked like, I was curious. So I leaned in, I’m like, “Is she cute?” And they said, “She’s here and
we’ll send her right over.” (audience laughing) So I go to the bar and I’m hanging out, waiting for my date to arrive. And then, I hear a
voice, she says, “Hello.” I turn around and she’s
taller and bigger than me. (audience laughing) Now you may be thinking,
is he that superficial? Yes.
(audience laughing) But not today, I’m
gonna try something new. My type’s not working out? I’m gonna try something new, you know? Everybody’s got their type. You know, tall, white,
and handsome usually. Sexy, mm-hmm. You know what women say? I mean, I’m just picky, you know? I like what I like, you know? I’m not racist, but my vagina is. (audience laughing) It’s true! So I thought, no, fuck that. I’m gonna try something new, she’s curvy. And I like that women can
call themselves curvy. Men can’t do that, you know? Women can be like, I’m curvy? Men, you’re just fat, motherfucker. (audience laughing) Curvy, half black, half Brazilian, whoo! Tons of chemistry. We sit down, we’re
trying to chat, you know? Do that think where you’re
trying to read the menu, but you’re trying to talk to the person and you’re not reading the menu, you’re not talking to the person. (chuckling)
(audience laughing) The waiter comes, can I take your order? We need five more minutes,
thank you (laughs). So I ended up ordering
the Caesar salad, right? She orders a chicken, a
chicken, a full chicken. (audience laughing) I’m not fucking around, a chicken. (audience laughing) And she eats the whole
thing, just (growls). And I’ve gone on dates with skinny girls. Kale salad, three croutons. I’m full, big leaves. This bitch didn’t give
a fuck, just (growls). Just tearing through this thing. And I was like, yo, I like this chick. This girl is sexy. She doesn’t give a fuck
what people think about her. That’s what I like, you know? So we end up liking each
other, all this chemistry. And I thought, man, I want
tonight to end with a bang. My friend told me, if you wanna
get a girl super turned on what you do is you take
her to a male strip show. Yeah, male strip show. That way, they’re super turned on, and who they gonna fuck? It’s gonna be you, right? (audience laughing) It’s like Ghostbusters. Who you gonna fuck, right? (audience laughing) So now, I’ve been to female strip shows where there’s women onstage
and men in the audience who are acting generally well-behaved. And then, I went to this male strip show where there is men onstage
and women in the audience, acting like fucking savages. (audience laughing) You all start to yell. Women have this yell that
only comes out of them when there’s a naked man onstage, and it seems to evolve
through the generations so that when other women hear it, they descend from the forests
to see what’s happening. You know the yell, that (screaming). Oh, my fucking God (ululating)! It’s the scariest fucking
thing in the world. And so, I walk into this theater. There’s 800 women, all
screaming like that. And I’m thinking like, what the fuck? Is Justin Timberlake here,
like what’s going on? And there’s just this tall,
dark dude onstage named Shadow, dancing with his dick out to
“Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”, and they’re like, “You’re so talented!” He had no rhythm, he’s
just bouncing up and down. Like when you hit pause
on Super Mario Brothers. This is all he is doing. Oh, my God! And she’s like, “Let’s go to the front.” I’m like, “No.” She drags me, she’s a plus sized girl. So she’s just knocking
bitches out the way and shit. (audience laughing) And we get right to the front. And then, they come down. They give lap dances to all
the girls in the VIP section. She doesn’t have a ticket. Just walks over the barrier and sits down. And Shadow comes over, scoops her up. She’s a fucking hundred kilos, and he goes like this (growls). And I don’t know what to do, so I’m just standing there filming like a proud parent, you know? (audience laughing) I hope she’s having fun. I thought, if I don’t get her out of here, she’s gonna fuck him. (audience laughing) My plan’s backfiring. So I quickly grab her a drink. I was like, “Yo, let’s
go back to your place. “Netflix and chill.” And she’s like, “Okay.” So we’re back at her apartment. Only problem is, she just moved in. She doesn’t have a bed. She has this half assembled
IKEA bed, nothing to fuck on. So she told me, I’m go to the shower and get more comfortable and get ready. And I said, okay. I’m gonna sit here and
wear what I’m wearing. (audience laughing) And I thought, while she’s in the shower, I’m gonna put her bed together. (audience laughing) Yeah, but I didn’t have enough time. You know, to read the instructions. It’s IKEA, what the fuck? Just whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. With a bunch of screws, you know? Chuck them under there,
put the mattress down. Perfect timing. Door opens up, matching
red bra and panties. Red high heels, whoo. Brown skin, brown hair, beautiful, whoo! Strapless bra, my favorite. (audience laughing) I reach around to get that clasp. (audience laughing) And the bra went, boom! It flew off (sputtering). It hit her cat, reow (hissing). (audience laughing) Titties came out like airbags, puff, puff. (audience laughing) Big ass nipples, the
size of compact disks. (audience laughing) Not CDs, compact disks. Voluptuous, beautiful woman. And she’s into dirty
talking, and I’m kind of shy. So she says, “You ever been
with a plus sized girl?” And I said, “No.” (audience laughing) She said, “It’s the best sex
you ever had, you know why?” “Tell me.” (audience laughing) “No matter where you grab,
everything feels like a titty.” (audience laughing) Calf titty, hamstring titty,
pussy titty, titty titty. It’s like fucking on a waterbed. (audience laughing) Sex on the beach every day. And I was like, yeah. So we start fucking, against the wall, standing up, doggy style. And I’m bringing that medium dick. (audience laughing) ‘Cause not everybody lives
up to their stereotype. (audience laughing) I’m hitting that shit hard, too. Lying down that good pipe. And she says, “Harder.” So I put on my Nikes for more traction. (audience laughing) Mm, yeah, this is what
good sex looks like, y’all. Mm, mm, hmm-mm, yeah. She hasn’t come yet, so I’m thinking like, what would Shadow do? (audience laughing) So I turn her around and I squat down, I grab her by the legs, I pick her up, and I put that bitch right back down. (audience laughing) Ow, I gotta do more CrossFit. So I’ll just go down on her. I don’t know her that well,
but I have health insurance. (audience laughing) But the only thing is,
every vagina is different. And women, no help, none, nothing. You don’t help, you’re just
up there like (laughing). Can’t wait to tell Karen about this one. (laughing)
(audience laughing) We’re down there like (growling). Keep going. It’s fucked up. I don’t know what to do. So I just start going down on her, great. And I’m just praying that it works. But the thing is, when
you go down on women, you gotta stay till she comes, ’cause if you leave too early, you’ll lose it, then you gotta go back, and then you gotta start
from the beginning, and you’ll be there for 17 years. (audience laughing) So you gotta stay till the job’s done. But the thing is, when a woman comes, there’s a small window from when she comes where you gotta get the fuck out the way, otherwise she’ll clamp down
her legs like a bear trap. (audience laughing) She doesn’t care about you, she’s coming. She’s in a different universe. Where the rules of laws
and physics don’t apply because their legs have
the strength of 10,000 men. (audience laughing) Where does it come from? I don’t know. And so, she’s going. I’m down there doing my thing (trills). And she says, “I’m coming.” And everything went dark. (audience laughing) I’m tapping like it’s Mixed
Martial Arts and shit. She doesn’t watch sports, so she doesn’t know
what the fuck I’m doing. Finally, she opens up her legs and delivers me like a baby, just. (audience laughing) Oh, my God. It was like waterboarding, wow. She came, I was like, yes. And then, she said, “It’s your turn.” I’m like, “No.” (audience laughing) And she gets on top. She starts riding me
like there’s no tomorrow. Just (growls), just raining down flesh. And she tells me, “You’re
gonna come in three minutes.” I was like, “Three minutes?” No one’s ever given me a deadline. (audience laughing) And two minutes and 59 seconds later. (imitating fireworks) Her bed broke. (audience laughing) But I met this girl by
not being so superficial. So what I’m trying to
say, people, there’s hope. (audience laughing)

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