Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Before dinner is served, I would like to invite our dear friend Mary Maxwell to the podium. We are so happy that she can be here tonight and we are honored to have her deliver tonight’s invocation. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mary Maxwell. [Applause] Ladies and gentlemen, as a new client of Home Instead and friend and former neighbor of Lori and Paul Hogan, I am so honored to be chosen to offer the invocation this evening. So, let us pray. God, our father, you know all that Home Instead believes in and strives for and we ask your blessing on the Home Instead family: The management, the staff, the caregivers and the clients. We are grateful for the way that everyone here tonight contributes to the success of the mission of Home Instead, and we ask you to continue to bless them and this food, which we are about to receive. Amen. Uh-oh. Oh! Sorry, God! [Laughter] As long as I have the microphone [Laughter and Applause] there are a few things I forgot to mention. First of all, just to introduce myself a little. Over the years I’ve noticed that the two things
most people want to know about you are the two things they’re far too polite to ask. So let’s get that out of the way. [Laughter] I’m 72 years old. [Laughter and applause] And I weigh a hundred and 45 pounds. [Laughter and applause] As you know, we seniors are sometimes not very likeable, let alone loveable. So Lord, could you please continue to keep the people of Home Instead patient and aware of why we are the way we are? And Lord please remind them that the thing about old age is that you don’t get a chance to practice. This is the first time I’ve ever been old. And it just sort of crept up on me. [Laughter] There were signs. [Laughter] Random hair growth – that’s special. [Laughter and applause] Particularly that first time you go to brush a hair off your lapel and discover it’s attached to your chin. [Laughter] You turn your left turn signal on in the
morning and leave it on all day. [Laughter] Non-life threatening skin growths large enough to name after deceased pets and relatives begin to appear. And neck tissue seems to develop a life of its own. Last November, I was afraid to leave the house Thanksgiving week. [Laughter and applause] Aren’t you quick? [Laughter] You do strange things as you age like driving up to a curbside mailbox and ordering a cheeseburger and fries. And Lord, I know you’re aware that one Sunday in church I put my Dillard’s bill in the collection basket by mistake. And last Easter after services at St. Cecilia’s cathedral here in Omaha, my husband stopped to talked to a friend and I went on
out and got in the car to go home. The gentleman sitting behind the wheel said, “Oh, are you going home with me?” [Laughter] And I said, “Oh Archbishop, I’m so sorry.” [Laughter and applause] I won’t even mention driving into the wrong end of the car wash. [Laughter] People get so excited when you do that. I don’t know why the lady in the other car was screaming like that. I was just as surprised to see her as she was to see me. [Laughter] I also won’t mention discovering that you’re wearing mismatched earrings and going home to change them and ending up wearing the other mismatched pair. [Laughter] And you know, Lord that it’s hard for old people to exercise. I did try to jog once; but it makes the
wine just jump right out of your glass. [Laughter] Well, Lord you understand seniors and their care and so
does Home Instead and I have used before, a poem I found in a local retirement home newsletter that I have always thought spoke volumes about Home Instead. “Blessed are they who understand my faltering step and shaking hand. Blessed are they who know my ears today must
strain to catch the things they say. Blessed are they who seem to know that my
eyes are dim and my wits are slow. Blessed are they who looked away when I spilled the coffee at table today. Blessed are they with a cheery smile who take
the time to chat for a while. Blessed are they who know the ways to bring back memories of yesterdays. Blessed are they who make it known I’m loved, respected and not alone.” Just like you, to us, it’s personal. That’s Home Instead, Lord. Bless them all and at the end of the evening please
help me find my car in the parking lot. Amen. [Laughter and applause]

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