Harley Morenstein Parties Too Hard – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– I don’t know what GHB is, I’m not a marine biologist, and I’m not a low life. That night I was a lowlife. But normally I’m a high school teacher. (hip hop music) – Welcome to This is
Not Happening presents, One Crazy Night. So this is what we do. Where a bunch of comedians tell stories about a similar subject. So this is just one crazy night. Ladies and gentlemen, first it’s Harley Morenstein, everybody. Let him hear it. (audience applauding) – I started a cooking
show on the internet. And I don’t know how to cook and I thought that was
a really irresponsible thing to do. But I did that. (audience laughing) And it was cool, I guess the whole vibe of wrapping things in
bacon and getting drunk with your friends really works on YouTube. You know YouTube where
everyone’s retarded? (audience laughing) That’s where we put our show. So I’m from Montreal, Canada,
and in Montreal, Canada we kind of have Celine Dion and we have the Montreal Canadians. And now our show got really popular. Me and my buddies on the show
we started to get recognized, which is really cool. See, me and my buddies, we’re sloppy fat dudes that never really
wear the right shoes to the club that are cool enough to charm the bouncer
into allowing us access to the establishment. Once Epic Mealtime
happened, the internet show, and our hometown started to respect us in this weird, fucked up like, “You’re the bacon man” type of way, we got access to the clubs. And now only that, when we got in there, they would give us bottles of whiskey. Let’s drink them all and
let’s drink them fast and let’s drink them hard,
and let’s fucking do it, let’s do it big. And I ended up outside of the club, I guess it was because I had this move where I cleared a table of all the drinks so I could lie down on it. (audience laughing) And it was like, I put my hand down and I slid it all off and laid on my back and I remember them picking me up by my arms and legs and bringing me out and I was on the streets
now and I don’t know what it was, it was like 2:00 AM. I’m really fucked up and
I’m all balloon headed because people like that
I wrap things in bacon on the internet and
everyone’s giving me pats on the back, high fives all around, but I’m hurting now, I’m hurting. I’m like, “Water, water!” I’m grabbing, I’m like, “Water,
water, water, I need it, “I need it!” And I get a bottle of water. Someone gives it to me. This guy’s like, “I dare you to chug it.” And I was fast, I was
drunk, I was so fucking, I was like, “I dare you
to chug it, motherfucker!” And I knocked it back
and I was just doing it. And I’m good at drinking water normally on real-life basis I can
drink water really well. (audience laughing) That night, it was like
my mutant super power. I drank water perfectly. (audience laughing) I was the perfect water drinker. I was doing it and like
everyone was loving it, I don’t know if they were loving it, I know my eyes were closed. But I felt love around me, as I was doing it and I
was drinking it perfectly, and the only thing that weirded me out is when I kind of burped
barfed back into my mouth and I tasted the water I was drinking. I was like, “It’s weird, why is it weird?” And I look at it, and it’s like milky. I was like, “Why does it look weird?” And I see all these faces,
all these smiling faces, and I see, I locate the
face that gave me the water, and I was like, “Why is it, “It’s electrolytes, please
let this be electrolytes.” (audience laughing) And he was like, “GHB. “Molly water, cocaine, drugs.” And I don’t know what GHB is,
I’m not a marine biologist and I’m not a lowlife. I’m not a lowlife. That night I was a lowlife, but normally I’m a high school teacher. I’m good, I don’t drink
GHB on the streets. And I drank all this GHB, I don’t even know what that does, I don’t know what that’s
supposed to do to me. I don’t know what’s
happening, and I blacked out. And I blacked out. My eyes closed, and I felt like movement. So I know now what was happening, was I closed my eyes and
I turned my brain off and I started stomping up the street. Like really big man, like
big scary man walking, like get the fuck out of my way, there’s a big man
stomping down the street, he’s really fucked up on GHB,
Molly Water, all that jazz, and I heard he’s a high school teacher, he’ll fucking eat your soul or something like that. (audience laughing) I blacked out and I
woke up, lying face down in the middle of the busiest
street in downtown Montreal and my buddy Dave and my
buddy Tyler were like, kicking and pulling me,
like, “Get up, get up!” And I grabbed them and I was like, “No, I fucking need this. “You leave me, I need
to get arrested tonight! “I need that in my life!” And they’re kinda like dragging me away. And I’m 260 pounds, I want to get arrested so I’m dead weight. And they’re pulling me
and they stop for a second just to grab a breath of air and I fucking bolt so fast. I woke up the next day and the sun was out and I was in a stranger’s
bed and my pants were on inside out and I was looking
at the wall and the window and I just roll over. And there’s a dude there in a wheelchair with no legs. And he’s staring at me. And there’s wooden legs
attached to his wheelchair. And I don’t say “What
happened?” or anything. I’m just looking at his
legs on the wheelchair. And he was like, “My name’s
Vlad, I’m from Russia. “And I moved to Oklahoma. “I got my legs cut off by a train, “And Oprah gave me these wooden legs “and I outgrew them.” (audience laughing) I’m like, “Yeah, Oprah okay,
fuck talking about Oprah. “Why are my pants on inside out? “Who are you Russian man?” I’m so weirded out right now, I’m like, “I’m gonna head outta here.” And as I go out, I guess
it’s his roommate walks out, as big as me but like, fit. Like for real the fastest runner I bet. (audience laughing) And this guy comes in,
and he’s like, “Sup, dog? “I’m Point Man.” (audience laughing) I’m like, “What’s up, Point Man?” He’s like, “Why don’t you
grab a seat over there?” And I sit down and I’m
sitting with Point Man and Vlad the Russian with no legs and I’m sitting there,
the first thing he does is he pulls out these documents and a pen and he slides it across
the table, and he’s like, “Let me tell you something about this idea “I got called Tit Pillows.” And this is his words
(audience laughing) not mine, this is his pitch, I would pitch Tit Pillows way better, but this is what he told me. He was like, “So you basically collaborate “with plastic surgeon that specializes “in breast reduction,
you keep the titty fat, “we’re gonna put em in pillows, “and in various shapes and sizes. “Brown tits, Asian tits, white tits, “whatever you want, bro.” He was like, “You’re gonna
be the spokesperson.” And at this moment I swear to God I notice like crossbow on the wall. And like a knife collection. And I’m like, “Dude, I’m
the fucking spokesperson.” Like pen, I’m signing a document now. Why am I signing a document,
I don’t know what time it is, it’s the next day, where’s my team? But the Point Man owns my soul basically. And I’m like, “Alright,
I’m gonna head out.” And Point Man’s like,
“Whoa, before you go.” Pulls out Perfect Strangers season one. (audience laughing) Makes me watch it all. All Perfect Strangers
season one, I sit down and I watch the entire thing with him. I got so much fucking
Balki in Perfect Strangers, enough for four lifetimes. The moral of the story is fuck my friends. If I say I need to get arrested,
I need that in my life, you leave me alone. You let me stay there and
you let me get arrested. Cause I don’t need this shit. (hip hop music) (audience applauding) – Hey why don’t you click
like so that this YouTUbe clip gets better views? And subscribe so you can
see next week’s story. And don’t forget to leave a comment. I command you. (electronic sounds)

About the author

Comments

  1. For someone who isn't a comedian, he made me laugh a fuck ton. Maybe that's cus I watched EMT since It started so I get his persona, but fuck he needs to do this stuff more

  2. For something he's clearly never done before, I actually got a few laughs outta this. Overall I think a clearer explanation of what's actually happening and emphasis on the parts where we should laugh would make the whole event seem funnier. You could see him almost rush off the stage when it was done, was clearly nervous so I don't really blame him for the rushed ending. He probably just wanted to get it over with by then.

  3. Honest truth, for someone who's not a comedian by trade, he did well. And frankly I found it funny. But then again any story like this involving drugs, I'm always going to find the humor in it.

  4. He fucking missed the perfect closer, after he said "I don't need this shit" He could have just said, anyways I'm here to talk about this new product called tit pillows.

  5. There was some pretty good stuff in the set overall. For sure out of his element a bit here but if he keeps doing standup I think it'll go way smoother.

  6. Only 3 good things to ever come out of Montreal full service strip clubs, poutine and epic meal time…everything else absolute garbage

  7. I swear this dosing people must be a Canadian/American thing because dosing in the UK is very rare, no one ever gave me drugs for free anyway………bastards!

  8. Comments> 9O% people replying to insults of his comedy 1O%> nothing else. Yes I think he was funny too and he should consider doing more comedy but Christ stfu

  9. Same thing happened to me. Don't keep your GHB in a water bottle next to the normal water if you also like to do a lot of ecstasy…

  10. I liked it I just feel like we are missing the last bit of the story how did he get there who was the Russian guy and why were his pants inside out?

  11. "I'm good at drinkin' water normally, on a real-life basis I can drink water really well. That night, it was like my mutant super power. I drank water PERFECTLY. I was the perfect water drinker."

    To this day, the way that little line is phrased is still funny as shit.

  12. Holy fuckin' shit, it's Epic Meal Time!… I didn't know he was a fuckin' comedian.

    I'm not trying to be a dick, I just didn't know he did it.

  13. I respect this man for what he's done and the success he's objectively achieved but the story was rather short, I love his work but I'm used to episodes of 'This is Not Happening' being longer.

  14. ok it was a bit funny but i couldn’t follow that at ALL man it was actually very similar to a fever dream. But like in all honesty that was not the worst first time stand up set. I laughed quite a bit.
    Rating:
    Tripping on shrooms while arguing with your mom/10

  15. The only reason this dude is getting hate is because he started his story off with:
    "So this is why I'm so cool in case you didn't know – everyone where I'm from knows I'm this cool."

    The entire story could have been told without that, he could have just said that he was out with his bros and got fucked up and was yelling for water but some dude gave him Mali water. People would instead be calling this story genius for its deadpan portrayal – which it was.

  16. He doesn't need a microphone, he needs a psychiatrist. Thank god my children aren't taught by someone this STUPID.

  17. Master Ari, commanded i leave a comment, so I did. PS . . . I miss Ari, as the host, FUCK THIS NEW GUY his intros aint shit!

  18. The video was heavily edited.
    There are certain parts in his story that wasnt needed. We're witnessing rambling. I consider rambling to be fat. His story had a lot of fat.

  19. Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8

  20. This is the story you get when you accidentally sit next to a meth head in central park. At least the meth head offers you a swill of herpes ridden Gilbey's for sitting through his rant…

  21. It would be nice if it were done a couple times a day. At the least, someone should run a clean rag and some Windex up and down those poles before filming.

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