His Marriage Was Over And He Didn’t Know Why…

When couples come to see me or join one
of my courses, they do it because they’re in trouble
I had this couple where the man was a career police officer
he’d been policing for 35 years and he finally retired and after his retirement
party I get a phone call he comes to see me he sits on my couch and he falls
apart he says my wife told me today our marriage is over I’ll tell you what
happened next and why and how they were able to save their marriage
I’m Dr. Cheryl Fraser it’s great to see you here and in these series of LoveByte videos I’m going to be bringing you stories from couples I work with what
their problem was what they did and where they got to actionable steps you
can start applying today back to my police officer this was a tough guy I
don’t know that he’d ever shed a tear in his life and he was on my couch in this
office collapsing falling apart sobbing saying my marriage is over and I
don’t know why the marriage was over my job was to help him move on into
retirement without his wife but I reached out to his wife and she did
something really kind and really extraordinary I asked her if she’d be
willing to come in once just to explain to her man why it was that the marriage
was over for her so that he could maybe try to make sense of it and she came in
and I was really really humbled by her courage and her strength she came in and
I said to her you know I’ll call him John, John told me that you’re done that
they you need things to be over and I he wants to try to understand why and she
looked at him and she looked at me and she said he hasn’t told me he loves me
in 37 years and I watched his face and he looked so puzzled and baffled and he
turned to her and without a trace of any sarcasm just with bewilderment like a
child he said but of course I love you I married you and then he said when I
married you it meant I loved you I’ve loved you every
since our wedding day and the only reason I would have said anything about
it is if I stopped loving you I’m watching her face I’m trying to hold
back the tears thinking this marriage is over because this beautiful man
a man of very few words never said I love you we went on and we did some more
work together I’ll get back to that in a moment
but what I want to teach all of us here and now is no matter what you feel
inside if you don’t express it to your partner
they don’t necessarily know one of my colleagues calls this sharing
appreciation and sharing is the important word here so what’s your
take-home message make sure today every day every week you make sure to verbally
say to your partner how much you appreciate them here’s a beautiful
little exercise when they get home today I want you to have thought of one thing
you appreciate about your partner maybe it’s that they’re a great mom or a great
dad or they really always take care with their appearance before they head out at
the beginning of a day or you love that they hug you hello when they come home
and instead of just enjoying this awesome thing you appreciate about your
mate I want you to say to them babe one of the things I really appreciate about
you is you are so great at making that moment to hug me at the end of the day
when we come back together I’m often busy in to be honest sometimes I know I
actually act a little irritated but you always seek me out you say hey babe how
was your day and we have a hug I appreciate that you really invest in our
love life in that way back to my couple to my surprise and my delight after I
got this couple talking to each other he was able to express haltingly in his own
way this was not a talker this was a doer that he did love her he’d always
loved her he had no idea she was feeling that
lonely and they ended up working together and doing a lot of couples
therapy and they ended up actually reconciling much to my delight because
I’m a couples therapist my job is to help couples get clear but I’m also a
hopeless romantic so what I want to see happen is that couples find their way
back together when they’re torn asunder that’s what these series of video
are going to be about and what’s more coming up in February I’m going to be
teaching a free live master class on the things great couples do well I call
these the three keys to passion the great thing about it is if you show up
live you will have a chance to ask me specific questions about your
relationship there’s going to be the teaching about the three keys to passion
and then a live Q&A with me I’ll stay on as long as there are questions coming in
so if there’s something going on in your relationship that’s not working or
something that’s going fantastic and you want to make sure you keep that going
well you’ll have a chance to ask me specific questions about you and your
beloved I so look forward to seeing you in the
next video where we’re going to continue this theme of things that aren’t always
said or we don’t always do that will light our partner up if we make it more
deliberate if we make it more mindful thank you so much for joining me I look
forward to seeing you in the next video and keep love alive say it with your
words people let them know you appreciate them don’t assume that they
already know we all like reminders see you next time.

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