Holiday Dinner Party [CC]


(piano introduction) I made turkey and stuffing and hot mashed
potatoes Yams and a ham and some fried green tomatoes But I had forgot what my friends could have or have not… Charlie could not have cheddar ‘Cuz it clashes with his meds Lee’s on a low-carb diet, Couldn’t sample any breads Anya could not have onions, ‘cuz they fill her up with gas Elsie could not have eggnog, ‘cuz it knocks her on her ass I made Martha Stewart’s tart, sweet and high-falutin’ That six people couldn’t eat ‘cuz it contained gluten Sherman could not have shellfish or he would asphyxiate There wasn’t one damn item that could stay on Linda’s plate My souffle was a masterpiece, so light and airy But my guests couldn’t eat it ‘cuz no one ate dairy I broke down and wept If you’re vegan then why’d you accept? (laughter) Penny got on her podium
on and on and on she went about the evils of sodium (plus how) she’s
lactose intolerant Peter was prone to bloating
couldn’t eat the broccoli Annie gets acid reflux every time she looks
at me When I set the turkey down
Sarah had to say “Ever since the world began
I can’t eat no tryptophan” Everyone at the table (getting up in years
you see) skipped the meal all together
talked about their surgeries So I said “Pass the Beano and pour me some
vino and screw it, next year YOUR HOUSE please!”

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