Holiday Dinner Party

I made turkey and stuffing
and hot mashed
potatoes Yams and a ham
and some fried green tomatoes But I had forgot
what my friends could have or have not: Charlie could not have cheddar
Cuz it clashes with his meds Lee’s on a low carb diet
Couldn’t sample any breads Anya could not have onions
Cuz they fill her up with gas Elsie could not have eggnog
Cuz it knocks her on her ass I made Martha Stewart’s tart
Sweet and high-falutin’ That 6 people couldn’t eat
Cuz it contained gluten Sherman could not have shellfish
Or he would asphyxiate There wasn’t one damn item
that could stay on Linda’s plate My souffle was a masterpiece,
so light and airy But my guests couldn’t eat it cuz no one ate dairy
: I broke down and wept
If you’re vegan,
then why’d you accept? Penny got on her podium
on and on and on she went about the evils of sodium plus how
She’s lactose intolerant Peter was prone to bloating
Couldn’t eat the broccoli Annie gets acid reflux
Everytime she looks at me When I put the turkey down
Sarah had to say “Ever since the world began,
I can’t eat no tryptophan” Everyone at the table
Getting up in years, you see Skipped the meal all together
Talked about their surgeries So I said pass the Beano and pour me some
and screw it, next year Your House Please!

About the author


  1. Boy! Is this our family. My dad was on dialysis, I'm a vegetarian, and my crazy Lutheran sister decided to a) cut out ALL salt, and b) keep what she considered a kosher kitchen. (And her name was Linda!) 

  2. Really hilarious!! I loved it. Highly recommended for all those who deal with patients with true or alleged food intolerances!

  3. Hate to be a sanctimonius buzzkill, but we might all think about GMO's in relation to your song.  All I know is that I don't get sick when I eat in Europe.  Plus I resent the comments of  Stefano Guandalini for using the word "alleged" in relation to patient complaints.  I just found out I have fibromyalgia which accounts for all my "alleged" food allergies and pain and complaints over the last 63 years.  Look it up!

    GREAT SONG.  I'd like to sent you some lyrics unless you only do your own.
    Please let me know.

    Joan Shapiro

  4. What's happening to people? This never happened in the 60s and 70s,,,everybody was able to eat whatever they wanted! Are we creating a population of whimps?

  5. So, true, funny. Merry Christmas, to you, saw Scott and Jess at the grocery store, nice to see them other than on Facebook

  6. Very funny!  Keep 'em coming. Song parodies need to be well written and delivered, and this one takes the cake.  (Whoops, can't eat sugar…)

  7. Get NAET treatments for your allergies, stop eating processed goods and fight against GMO foods. We are not genetically developed to eat the food we produce any longer. It's faster to change the food than it is to change our genetics.

  8. This is wonderful, and you are a spot-on performer! I used to live in Santa Rosa. Seeing this makes me wish I still did! Happy Holidays!

  9. Hilarious! Been eating vegan for over two years, everyone shows concern about what I can or cannot eat….not, it is about what I choose to. I will bring my own food or just find something to eat. Will share this on Facebook.

  10. Oh, so good!  Everyone in my family is one thing or another, including Paleo, Vegan, Vegetarian, and gluten-free.  And holiday meals make me crazy nowadays!!!  I looo-oong for the days when they were little & loved turkey, cranberries, stuffing, taters and peas……   😉

  11. My clan says to hell with it…we don't leave a single bone unturned or a dish or a bowl un scraped. Within 12 hours there's nothing to eat or drink left in the house

  12. This video somewhat pokes fun at people who can't eat various foods for various reasons (whether it be food allergy or because it gives them just gas). It's amusing and I understand the intent behind it as far as being frustrated with what guests can't eat. But for most people, including myself, avoiding certain foods is a matter of survival and certainly not just convenience or to avoid gas, hives, or stomach bloating.

    I have cooked holiday meals that are completely allergen free for a few years now and know that if it's done right using good ingredients, no one can tell the difference, and everyone is happy!

  13. "If you're vegan, then why'd you accept?"  Umm……because I like you and wanted to see you, and I really don't care about the food–I'll eat before or afterwards if everything on the table has animal products in it.  I'm vegan, and that'd be my answer, anyway.

  14. I have problems with certain foods also. THIS WAS DONE IN JEST. Why does everyone take everything so personally. Laugh with her and move on.

  15. Different foods for different people, but everyone loves Santa. Click on link to see him come for dinner.       Childrens' Christmas Tree Toy Song. Owen Shaw

  16. This is hilarious! I'm gluten-free, but I try not to be an absolute pill about it. Get a grip, folks; learn to laugh at yourself.

  17. This was hilarious!
    All done in jest with tongue firmly planted in cheek of course  but in a way it's also very true on all points.
    Thanks for the Holiday Season humour Sandi & Richard! 

  18. This is so much fun! I have had similar experiences when trying to plan a meal for my bunch. We have some who eat NO vegetables, some who are glucose intolerant, some who can't do cow dairy, one who is seriously allergic to cane sugar.

    Me, personally, I'm an omnivore. I will eat anything.

  19. @EmilyA1984…you to learn how to get a sense of humor and stop taking things so seriously. Learn to laugh. I don't need a response saying that you do have a sense of humor because clearly you do not. Oh yea, great great video. Happy Hollidays

  20. This was great! Thanks for making and sharing! We all have to laugh at OURSELVES because we have one thing or another. 🙂  We sent this around the family. Sandy and Richard, you have a great sense of humor! I know someone who is allergic to almost every food you can imagine – she is a riot to go to a restaurant with – because she's so funny about it. Life is short – better to laugh! 🙂

  21. Great entertaining song, with wonderful comments all round.

    "If you were brought up in England during the last war, living on cardboard you'd eat anyy thing without giving it a second thought !"…..  I'M JOKING OF COURSE

  22. We are moving in to a cohousing community and trying to navigate meals for 27 family's with various dietary needs. Your song had me laughing out load and sharing this video with everyone in the group. Hilariously funny and oh so on the mark. Thank you so much for sharing your talent. Ever done a Canadian tour?

  23. This has been very helpful to me, great video!!!!

  24. Maybe United Center, Dury Lane or shall check around, depends on size of crowd. I very rare go to concert etc but for you and Richard I will go and show my friends your videos, they're so full of fun ha ha We'll all have a blast!!

  25. I just thought of it, the casino's would prob. be good a lot of ladies like the casino's and to have you preform would be a real win!!! Hollywood in Joliet, Harrahs in Joliet. They have hotels so that would be great!

  26. Sandy, you and Richard just get better and better. I'm so glad to see you're touring. Just let us know if you're ever in Philadelphia! Merry Christmas and a terrific New Year.

  27. So much fun and all too common. I had a friend in San Francisco who referred to all these incapacities as "food notions." My mother taught us that no one cared about our diets or allergies and that we should not eat all day before we shared a meal at someone's home, if need be, so that we were empty enough to feel free to eat what was lovingly presented there.

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