How Do I Handle My Marriage Problems Alone?


So our next caller is going to be
Jasmine from California. Jasmine can you hear us okay? Yes, can you hear me? Yes, Hey!
I believe you’ve called before, I think I remember your name and location. Yes, yes.
I did call before, it’s been a while. Yeah! You had joined the save my marriage
course a couple months ago. Yes yes yeah, so I finished it and actually things,
things were going really great, I was feeling very very confident and I think
last time I talked to you I told you how I noticed like a little change and
my husband he reached out and he was being very open and started asking about
my job, “how’s everything?” and I’m like wow. So, since then he actually continued to
do that and reached out and asked me out. I don’t know if you remember he lives in
Los Angeles. He came to San Diego to see me and it was great so I try at that
point to, well he wanted to get very close to me
and I said like had wanting to have intimacy and I said you know what’s it
you really want because no I don’t think we should do that because, he’s like “why
not?”, I said because I you disappear and then that hurts me and I don’t want to
do that anymore and he said no this is different that was before blah blah blah
and I said he said how he was scared that because things didn’t work out
before and I said well you know all I really want is for us to really start to
hang out more and that’s it. And he said okay and so a week I asked him to my
holiday party at that time from work and he was very open to that he said I’m
gonna try to make it work if I don’t I’ll let you know. He did let me know, he
said I couldn’t have anybody cover the project though I can’t but let’s
hang out after. I said fine he text me and he said hey would you, what are you doing
next week yeah this was the weekend right before Christmas and he said would
you like to come up for a day the day before because I was going to see some
friends and he said we can go out to dinner hang out and I went and it was
great. We had, he was extremely over it really excited to see me and he, it was
great I was like over the moon and all of a sudden we had intimacy and he was
great but then towards the end of the night I started feeling something that
something was off and I couldn’t pinpoint what it was and I don’t know if
not looking back I was maybe getting too comfortable and I started to like oh we
can do this we can go here we can go there and maybe I kind of crossed the line
for him and I don’t know. So the next day he did still say okay yeah I’ll let
you know in the next few weeks, in the next few days, because I was gonna
take a week off, if we can do something. Um, it’s not after I come back from my
trip. He was gonna go on a two-week trip to San Francisco and a work trip and he
said but I’ll let you know. I said okay that’s fine, so during that week that he
was gonna maybe do, were gonna maybe reach out to maybe do something, I never
heard from him and then and then the two weeks from his work trip went by so now
it’s been three weeks. Right so so how many we help you today? What can we do
for you? At this point where I’m at is that why did he back off like that and
there’s been it’s been seven months and he’s now we’ve been separated and quite
frankly when I talk to people that are my closest friends they they’re trying to
tell me you need to start dating somebody else and I just okay something
else that happened is that I just got laid off last week
now yeah so now I’m like okay I might actually go back to a like is that for
my industry is I’ve been struggling here in San Diego and now I because we were
in our insurance I need to reach out to him to say hey are you sure and just
like cancel no kind of we jump in here but I need to reach out to him and I
don’t know what’s the best way to do it because I don’t want him. Okay, so he
is, he has been on your insurance right? Yeah. Okay so the way you contact you is
that you you contact him I mean you call him whatever it is and you say okay
there’s something I need to tell you I got laid off which means that our
insurance is ending and I wanted you to know that and so that’s why you’re
contacting and under smart contact you always contact the other person when
there’s some reason to do so. I think you’re overthinking it, Jasmine. I really think that you are reading too
much into some of the things that you’ve been doing I mean even just hearing you
go back and say what did I do that night that might have pushed him away. I just, I
think you’re overthinking it. I think you need to be confident when you speak to
him, do it when you have a reason to, and then don’t expect anything from your
interactions and just keep doing the things that you have been doing that
have been working, you know, don’t be too pushy when you are together and then
after that just don’t think about it. Just continue to work on your pies, to
live your life, make a decision. If you make a decision to move back to LA, don’t
overthink how he’s gonna react to it. If you’re doing it for you, it doesn’t
matter, it doesn’t matter what he thinks about it. So you know, I would encourage
you and I know that where we’re trying to get to a couple of other callers as
we’re wrapping up here but I would encourage you that it sounds like you’re
still doing everything right. You know, don’t overanalyze everything
and be too hard on yourself. Right. That’s my encouragement for you. And another thing
that Kimberly said, make sure you heard it, don’t push. I mean, because I take things a
day at a time. You see, often we tend to think in terms of reconciliation when
the others, when the other person, the other spouse, shows some attention, we
start thinking oh this may be a process of reconciliation when in actuality is
more of an idea of dating. Like we’re still
just in the dating phase here and just like in a dating phase you wouldn’t be
pushing very hard, then in the same in the early parts of when you start
potentially working things out together, think about it like dating rather than
we as reconciliation. It’s not reconciliation yet. Now, the fact that you
spent that time together and it was good, that’s good, definitely call him and tell
about the insurance. He needs to know what he needs to know that’s the case
and then don’t push anything. Somehow I kind of started to feel like
okay maybe he wanted to to be intimate and then after that I don’t know it made
me feel a little bit like it happened and then he walked away again and even
reached out again like. What you described, what you just described is not
unusual at all. What you just described is not unusual, that a person moves
closer and then move a little bit away for a while and then move closer and
move a little wait a while a little ways away from you for a while. That’s
extremely common, extremely common. So, what, we’re not hearing anything scary
here okay we’re thinking okay you may see you made
some progress. Just be calm be confident and you’ll
make some more progress. It’s kind of not helping because they’re the ones who talk to them about this. Don’t talk
to them about this. There you see when people love you they tend to give bad
advice because they’re just thinking about you being happy and you being
fulfilled and they tend not to see the big picture.
So still be friends with them talk about anything you want to but not this, okay,
because they won’t mean to but they’ll lead you astray. Okay. Yeah, you can do
this.

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Comments

  1. My husband moved out, refuses to tell me where he lives, and goes radio silent for over 24 hours sometimes. I love him and I want to continue being intimate with him, but should I stop doing so?

  2. I’m going through hell- married with a daughter, my wife was in an affair and is shutting me out falling for her affair partner

    It’s so painful and lonely and I don’t know what to do

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