How Sexually Rejecting Your Spouse Affects Your Marriage

I assume that you’re watching this
because your spouse complains that you don’t fulfill them sexually. Maybe your
mate says that you’re cold that you have some kind of sexual hang-up or that you
just don’t love them because if you did then you’d want to make love. Maybe your
spouse says these things because you won’t do something they want you to do
or they want to have sex a lot more often than you do, or maybe it’s because
you do reject them sexually they want to make love to you but you seldom if ever
want to make love to them. I mean after all it’s your body your mind your
decision if you want to make love that’s your right if you don’t want to make
love that’s your right as well please know that I agree with that principle I
don’t ever want to encourage anyone to allow themselves to be used by someone
else I believe in the principle of self-determination that means you get to
make your own choices you’re nobody’s slave at the same time I also know that
if your spouse truly is sexually unfulfilled and you refuse to be a vital
part of their sex life your marriage will in all likelihood end in because
they don’t get enough sex well that’s only part of it deeper and more
importantly when people feel rejected sexually they almost always feel
rejected personally they think things like am I not pretty enough handsome
enough and my terrible in bed is it because you don’t love me are you
wanting someone else yes there’s a strong sexual component people have an
innate need to have sex but it’s not only to have sexual pleasure at core
it’s really about a deeply personal connection with another person hopefully
with the person that you love it’s a desire that has at the heart of it a
craving to be one with another you see that’s what passion really is
it’s much more than mourning an orgasm or experiencing sexual pleasure it’s a
longing to be one what a human who wants to be one with you
that means if your spouse isn’t fulfill sexually it very very likely means they
aren’t fulfilled relationally they vacillate between wondering what’s wrong
with them and wondering what’s wrong with you
they question whether you love or even if you can love they question whether
they’re lovable or lovely that’s the real reason most people in the marriage
when they feel sexually unfulfilled it’s not just the sex it’s the lack of a
loving connection now unfortunately they may confuse wanting sex with wanting
connection and wound up doing stupid sexual things but those things don’t
fulfill them they may continue to chase those things hoping they will somehow
someday bring them what they’re looking for but they no longer look for it with
you sometimes a person will stay in the marriage even without that connection
even if they feel rejected as a person and as a partner and those situations
the probability of a mate either turning to porn or two outside sexual liaisons
goes up dramatically they stay in the marriage but in very crucial ways they
aren’t faithful to it I know in my business I witness it every day hi I’m
dr. Joe beam I earned my PhD studying the causes of and correlations between
marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction I’ve read the research and
I’ve done the research I know that there is a worldwide consensus among
researchers and therapists that marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are
strongly actually inextricably connected they rise and fall together we know that
with rare exception a spouse who is sexually dissatisfied it’s also
dissatisfied with their marriage or on the other hand if they’re dissatisfied
with the marriage they’re also sexually dissatisfied in that marriage that means
that making love to your mate isn’t only about sex it’s also very much about the
connection between the two of you now if you’re ready for
your marriage to be over or if you’re okay with your mate finding some degree
of sexual release through porn or having sex with other people then the rest of
this video likely has a little interest to you however if you want to have a
good marriage but your spouse is complaining about being sexually
unfulfilled or sexually rejected then I have three suggestions for you
now before I explain them in more detail here’s a quick overview the first one
helps you analyze when it’s a good thing to reject what your spouse wants
sexually and when it may not be a good thing to do
the second teaches you the most successful way to communicate to your
spouse why you don’t want to do something sexually you see how you
present your refusal is a major factor in whether your spouse feels rejected do
it right and your mate actually will feel good about your refusal now really
pay attention during that suggestion now the last one guides you through what to
do if there are sexual difficulties because of your relationship with each
other or because of things that happened in your past or your mates best now my
first suggestion to you as the person who spouse feels sexually rejected is to
ask yourself this question or my reasons for refusing my mate sexually valid
reasons or not if for example your spouse wants sex outside of your moral
boundaries it’s valid to refuse if they want you to do something you think you
and hate it’s valid to be hesitant but knowing that sexual satisfaction is so
very crucial to marital satisfaction is it a wise thing for your future spouse
sexually because they want six more than you do or if they ask you to try new
things that you haven’t done before I mean where’s the line what is reasonable
then what is it if your mate wants sex so often did it
become something you dread or that your body just can’t do it is reasonable to
want them to back off on the demands but is that when they want sex every day
every other day three times a week if you may want you to try a new thing but
you’re hesitant because either you think you won’t like it or you’re not sure if
it’s right or wrong should you absolutely refuse or should you try
because you realize it’s a very important thing to your spouse you see
there are good reasons to refuse but are your reasons good ones considering the
future of your marriage now if you’re thinking how do I know I strongly urge
you to find wise counsel rather than just keep on refusing your spouse about
these things if you don’t know who to ask ask me emailed your questions to ask
Joe at marriage helper com I can’t promise to respond to every
email of course but I will see them all and I’ll make new videos answering the
most common questions I get I also suggest you check out the seven and a
half hours of video teaching I do about sex there invites high segments of
course I include assessments that you download and complete privately some of
them give you insight into your own sexuality others examine whether you may
be sexually inhibited even if you think you’re not one analyzes your sexual
compatibility with your spouse and I also give you practical and effective
assessments to use before you do something sexually to evaluate how
you’ll feel about it afterwards if you do it I’ve let several marriage
counselors use those and they love helping their clients with them now if
you want to know more about that series you can find it as spark your marriage
calm the point I’m making here is that you shouldn’t do anything sexually with
your spouse that causes you any physical emotional or moral problems but please
be honest with yourself don’t pretend you have good reasons that
keep you from fulfilling your spouse if those reasons really aren’t true my
second suggestion is this the way you react
you’re made when they want sex is crucial to keeping your spouse from
feeling rejected you may be thinking well what about the way my spouse
approaches me sexually isn’t that important yes in our video here on
YouTube for the spouse feeling sex are rejected I explained that now if your
mate does not talk with you about their needs their desires or what they feel
you can feel like an object rather than their lover if your spouse expects you
to somehow know the things they feel and always do the things they want you to do
it becomes frustrating for both of you for example your spouse may knows a lot
next to you in bed and expect you to understand that sexual cue and be
immediately responsive sometimes that works well you get the message and you
make love sometimes that unspoken cue does not work well maybe you’ve had a
bad day maybe you’re ticked about something they didn’t earlier your
spouse nuzzles you turn your back fluff your pillow and try to go to sleep your
mate lies they’re steaming not only angry for the rejection of their sexual
needs but deeply hurt because this seems to be your pattern and they feel
rejected on several levels you lie they’re frustrated because you feel that
they want you only for sexual release they they don’t care about what you feel
or what you want now am i saying that that would be the best time to turn over
and have an in-depth conversation maybe maybe not but rather than repeating
those types of frustrating experiences over and again conversations need to
occur right place right time right situation
of course and that conversation from your side shouldn’t be what’s wrong with
you why do you constantly want sex for me when you don’t give me any emotional
support why shouldn’t it be like that because when you attack the other person
becomes defensive that’s what humans do the conversation when you explain why
you don’t want to participate in a sexual encounter should be about what
you feel not about what the other person does if you say you don’t love me or you
treat me differently do you get one kind of reaction on the other hand if you say
I found myself worrying that you don’t love me and it breaks my heart you get a
very different kind of reaction therefore the conversation should become
not forced not an attack but a gentle sharing of what you feel what you want
why you want it and how you react when you feel that you’re being asked to do
something that at the time you don’t want to do now this makes no difference
if you’re the husband or the wife the same principle applies speak from your
heart try to be understood rather than trying to convince your spouse when they
reply listen to what they say really listen open the communication line so
that each of you genuinely cares about what the other fields what the other
person wants or desires to do and what they very much don’t want to do in that
vein explain why you don’t want to do what your spouse wants you to do
sexually be honest about what you feel while trying your best to understand
your spouse’s side now make up something here so I can explain
suppose a husband wants his wife to make love on the patio late at night but she
doesn’t want to do that rather than responding with a no she asked why he
wants to do that in this scenario let’s say that hubby explains that he used to
go out on the patio late at night when he was a kid and wonder about the person
he would someday marry he’d pray well out there that God would send him an
amazing woman who would love him without reservation he tells her that he wants
to make love were there out there so that he can relive those warm loving
feelings from his childhood that making love with her on the patio would touch
emotions deep within him know if the wife finds that poignant she may agree
to make love on the patio or she may still have strong reservations about it
because she’s afraid that someone might see them and that’s beyond her
boundaries simply saying no will very very likely come across as rejection not
just sexual rejection but personal rejection that husband will feel that he
opened his heart to his wife but that his wife doesn’t care that’s why I say
that if you say no explain exactly what you’re saying no to didn’t explain why
you don’t want to do that especially explaining how it would make you feel if
you did it be is open about your feelings your dreams and your desires as
your spouse was start by communicating that you understand why what your spouse
requested is important to them if of course they told you why then if you’re
going to reject the request your spouse makes immediately do four things first
make it clear exactly what you’re refusing to do second explain why you
don’t want to do that third share how you would feel if you did and fourth
offer an alternative that you believe your spouse will enjoy instead so in the
story I was just using as an illustration she says to her husband I
truly appreciate your telling me this part of your childhood and what making
love on the patio means to you I see why this is so important to you it touches
my heart I want to fulfill you and help you fulfill your dreams but I don’t want
to make love on the patio I’m not refusing to make love to you in you in
different ways is that I don’t want to do it out there now I don’t want to
frustrate you but I didn’t speak from my heart the reason that I don’t want to do
that is that when I was a teen my boyfriend often tried to expose my body
to other people with me riding along and he’d suddenly pull up my blouse and bra
exposing my breasts of passing cars or people walking nearby I was humiliated
when he did things like that I felt like I had done something very wrong
it was awful if we may love on that patio I’ll be scared that a neighbor may
see us and I’ll relive those terrible memories it’s not that I reject you or
your dreams I just want to relive my nightmares now if you
push I may wind up doing it but I’ll resent you for it I don’t want to feel
resentment I want to feel close to you not used by you sounds like an
unsolvable issue doesn’t it but recall the fourth part of what to do here
offer an alternative doing that communicates clearly that you care and
that you want to be sexually and relationally fulfilling to your spouse
so in our made-up story she may offer to make love to him in the living room in
the darkness with the sliding doors open to the patio or maybe even that she’ll
start saving money so they can build a wooden fence so that she could feel
comfortable making love to him on the patio late at night if neither of those
appealed to him they continued to talk about it in a calm loving manner until
he found a workable compromise the principle is that you listen with the
heart and speak from the heart remember when you make know specifically
what you don’t want to do rather than thinking you aren’t interested in making
love at all and here’s why you don’t want to do it how you would feel if you
did and then to prove that you aren’t rejecting the person but a specific act
you offer an alternative you have a far greater chance of compromising in a way
that leaves both of you to be sexually and emotionally satisfied if you’ve done
all the things I talked about but your spouse still tries to push you into
doing something you don’t want to do or if you continue to have a noticeable
lack of desire to make love with your spouse I have a third suggestion seek
professional help at some point that professional help may need to be
directly about sex however there’s a much greater likelihood that the
professional help that will do the most for your marriage is professional help
for your relationship if your spouse is controlling uncaring selfish or a number
of other things then you won’t get excited about fulfilling your mate
sexual you’re any other way even if they tell you why they
what they want you’re probably thinking yeah it’s all about what you want
everything focuses on you you don’t care anything about me and when you tell why
you feel what you feel and your sexual reservations your spouse make nor des
you just don’t like sex it’s always about what you want remember what I said
earlier about the correlation between marital satisfaction and sexual
satisfaction you aren’t going to make your marriage or your sex life better
until you do something about the problems and your relationship that’s
especially true if either of you have had an affair or if you or your spouse
has been in a porn those things make it much tougher to respond to the other’s
sexual desires and needs however there is a way a good effective way to have a
great sex life between the two of you we know we help people with all types of
relationship problems including affairs to love each other I want to be loving
to each other again if your sex problem is based on your relationship please
call us we’re experts in helping people repair relationships check out our
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About the author


  1. That’s more then likely what’s happened in my 31 year relationship then because the sex ended more then 8 years ago the only thing that’s kept us together is that we had a friendship too before it went south but the only reason it did was because all of a sudden he said horrible mean things about me physically and personally so there will never be anything again and I don’t even know if I could with another because of it!! Prior to that it was fine or so it appeared. When I told him or rather reminded him he says oh I was drunk I didn’t mean that stuff but he did it in front of people and drunk is no excuse so I guess that’s why I have to be burdened with the thoughts “ is he stepping out”!? Guess he may as well and shame on him for ruining things for me!! Thank you for making this video 🙂

  2. I am so confused. My husband was rejecting me sexually. I stayed committed. He's the one who ended having an affair. Why would it happen that way?

  3. I wish I had learned the truth and not believed all the false representations about sex and marriage when I was young;
    I was taught that sex is this great thing and marriage meant enjoying lots of sex and each other throughout this life.

    Oh and if I had known how effectively sex can be weaponized, I would not have been blindsided and broken.

    My advice to the young version of me is "chastity is a bargain, never abandon it".

    Over 10 years ago when I stopped asking my wife for sex it brought me great freedom, a huge burden was lifted off of me, Because life is better when you are not on your knees begging for a scrap.
    The cost is just too high to ever ask again.

    Feel free to disagree, this is just an old man’s .02.

  4. Guys this happened to me after I got a treatment to get pregnant I gained 40 pounds He started having multiple emotional affairs ( non physical according to him) and he told me when I found out 11 years later, then I did not attact him anymore I got too fat and did not workout with him He even is on match..,com as single well before the disclosure date I lost the 20 pounds my excersizong and then the pandora box blew open with all the 20 or so pics of diff woman both locally and internationally Ladies pls be attactive to yourself invest in yourself workout Hasfit on Youtube For if u dont love you he will find others attractive

  5. Oh I am so hurt since the box opened in april, i dont know what to do just I am here for the kids And now he find me attractive agajn just I do not know how to trust this two faced husband

  6. I wish i knew this b4 december 2018. I lost my beautiful wife b/c of this. At this moment we are separated. I have been seeking counseling b/c I dont want to ever make this mistake again. We have been together for like 10 years and married 3.5 years out of that. I know i have issues b/c i use to be so sexual and as time went on with my transition it seemed to have changed. Maybe it had to do with all the stress in my life. I feel like maybe i couldn't handle it all. Then it kept pushing me further and further away from feeling any respect or love towards myself. It wasn't her b/c she always made me feel so beautiful inside and out. I continued to put all my energy on trying to be a good provider. And it took a huge toll on my body and sex drive. Because i use to work fulltime nightshift at the hospital. Along with a hormonal imbalance and the deficiency in vitamin B12 and D. And as time went by with my transition I couldn't connect with my mind and body. And b/c of this I feel I lost my wife. I am working so hard to emotionally, mentally and physically become balance. I do feel that a huge part of our relationship was the lack of communication. Because my wife and i are very similar in that way. It's been 7 months since I've been alone. And ive tried so hard to get her back. However, she is not wanting to give us a try. So i have stepped back and wish the best for her. It's very sad b/c i feel as time goes on with her the more and more she will forget and push me away. But thank you for making me see that the important key of a relationship is to communicate efficiently. I will work harder to speak from the heart in the near future……

  7. My ex and I were together for seventeen years. For the first ten years things went great, but in 2009 she almost had a nervous breakdown (behind two years of the unbelievable stress of finishing up her PhD), after which she started becoming more and more distant toward me. First she got to where she no longer wanted me to kiss her. When she started rejecting my romantic advances I knew in my inner man that it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. And I was right. After about another couple of years she no longer wanted sex. I stayed with her for two more years (always thinking/hoping that things would get better), but gradually things got worse. She eventually started treating me like I was a stranger. It was the worst thing I've ever been through. Looking back, I wonder if she had continued to have sex with me if things would've turned around. It seems that having sex keeps the spark of love alive.

  8. I just couldn't imagine how important sex was in a marriage when I was depressed from losing my career job and being unable to perform. On one night and only one night out of frustration I attempted to give my wife a hall pass and she was so upset that this set up the preliminary grounds for our current separation of four years now. I didn't understand the impact at that time, but I had Erectile Dysfunction due to stress. My wife never believed me she said she felt unwanted and rejected.

  9. My husband just wants to have sex, not make love. I was rejecting him many times because it was so unloving. He had a porn and master bating issue that I didn’t know about. Then he had 1 affair and several hook ups.

  10. Normally I can ‘out-wake’ him, but I’m too tired tonight and he’s waiting me out. So, here we go—him trying, me wanting to sleep 🤦‍♀️. I can’t even explain how icky this makes me feel…like being mulled.

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