How To Have A Great Marriage – Esther Perel


How did you because you seem to really look in and find out these these pieces that are really in conflict with each other? But to us would [just] look like normal marriage so this is a good [example] of where I was confronted [with] a set of assumptions and [at] one point I began to think maybe desire in fact exactly that assumptions they’re not truths and facts such as that when we love we desire that greater intimacy baguettes Sexuality always, it’s the always that mattered that security and adventure in a relationship they go hand in hand that if you have sexual problems it is the consequence of Relationship problems hence if you fix the relationship the sex will follow and I am still very much a practicing psychotherapist Working with couples and coach and I saw many couples improve a great deal in every area of their relationship But it didn’t necessarily change. What was going on in the bedroom so I began to think maybe it’s not so simple to Talk about people who don’t like each other and lose their sexual and erotic connection. It’s kind of obvious. What’s [to] [write]? what I was interested in is all these people who come to see me and they say we love each other very much and we have no sex I Know he loves me very much or she loves me very much And it’s been years since I felt wanted and they know the difference And I began to think love and desire They relate and maybe they also conflict let me go explore that why is it that [people] who? Continue to love each other as much as ever will also sometimes lose the very erotic connection that brought them into being why is it that good intimacy does not always guarantee good sex in fact quite the opposite there seems to be a puzzling inverse correlation Where greater intimacy? sometimes leads to decreased desire because what nurtures love isn’t necessarily what fuels desire and may even be paradoxical and Can we love what we already have because in the romantic ideal It’s all about I have my partner And I am the one and I am the chosen one and so what does it mean when your partner is actually only on loan [with] an option to renew and doesn’t belong to you and What? Would it be like if [we] actually say no I don’t? Have what I already want actually we never have it Hence if we can live with that we probably will want it more That’s the idea of this notion it’s an illusion to [think] that we have and then to complain of boredom No, you don’t have in fact your partner can leave any moment from death from illness from falling in love somewhere else from any other reason and if you live with that Which is a certain anxiety that we don’t want to have these days because we have enough unknown and enough anxiety in our business lives and everywhere else so our partner should just become a piece of furniture on which we can reliably sit and it will always receive us in the same way and Not true And so then how do you continue desire then when you have? When you [have] a long term relationship, but I think one element is this once You understand that this partner. That’s next to you which you think you know so well like the inside of your pocket for which you sometimes think you can answer their Questions and all of that if you actually are able to accept other nuts right next to you if you know that you the Persistent mystery of your partner is right there if you know that they’re not forgot that they actually could leave at any moment you make an effort You make a different effort You make the effort that you make with your clients you make an effort that you make with all your business partners because they wouldn’t Take this stuff and because you never take those for granted It’s a very interesting thing you have often say to the people I will treat you partner the way you treat your client with the same charm the same seductiveness the same humor the same kindness the same and You will have a great marriage But you no longer do that it’s as if you do it when you’re not sure you have the client yet, and Since the client can always leave you if they get better service somewhere else Then you continue to be on your best behavior But many of us are on our best behavior at work, and we bring the leftovers home You made a great point in your ted. Talk where you said when you’re having when you’re looking at your partner very close It’s hard to get that you know that that desire, but when you’re doing it kind of at an arm’s length or you’re watching them do something well or watching them interact with others you can kind of Rekindle the mystery about them did I get to understand? To watch the rest of this fascinating interview click on the link below and go to London real Academy.com there you can sign in [with] your social [media] log in and watch the rest of the episode for free Along with all of our episodes on London real my webinars and all of our premium content all located over at London real academy.com So click on the link below you’ll be directed there, and you can watch the rest of this fascinating interview, and I’ll see you there

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Comments

  1. Man, be also careful of a CONTROL/DOMINATION issue. Women will try ,consciously (bitches) or unconsciously to control/dominate Men. Usually, women use having children to control Men. If Men allowed it then it is OVER. He can be or look like Apollo, but if he allowed everything to be as she wants (covertly and openly) then it is over. Be also careful about nasty feminists, destroyers of families, giving you advises. If something does not feel right it is not right. FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION DOESN'T` MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY.

  2. ALMOST everything that comes from this woman is gold. Sometimes, it's silver…sometimes platinum, but she knows what the fuck is up and isn't afraid to talk about it. Wish I would have heard this advice 5 years ago…

  3. "If you don't take your partner for granted and know they can leave at any moment, you make an effort, you make an effort you do with your business client. Because they won't take this and you never take those for granted. Because the client can always leave you if he gets better service somewhere else. Treat your partner the way you treat your client, with the same humor, seductiveness, kindness and you will have a great marriage."
    Brilliant! Simply BRILLIANT!!!!! So true! The only problem is, that it is really exhausting. You wanna relax at home and not have another "client" in your bedroom. Although no doubt, that if you would be able to apply this rule, you would really have an amazing relationship.

  4. Rubish page .making himself ha mouse on back of great PPL .I wares see rest of interview and non of link work but even you don't log to Facebook or Google they creating password with your unique names ….even not provided to theme hahaha…..classic …..I want hear woman not a men . If you actually invite guest of use them content why you put your name and brand over them materials in links . Classic rullet of numbers of popularity and gender equality bulshit.
    Thank God you are not only one place of information on planet .

  5. whenever one of my friend is heartbroken and pained from cheating, i always point them to Esther Perel on youtube 😉
    Brian Rose, nice pick 👍

  6. Absolutely true.It takes much more personal effort,(kindness,appreciation caring,humor,creativety,physical self-care ,empathy,positive regard,respect, all of which are seductive, to sustain intimacy, than most people are able or willing to invest.We have incredibly hard work-a-day lives, just trying to survive,and most couples intimacy lives get trampled in this pursuit. They are exhausted by the time they get home from work and then to take on the 'work' of relationship,is just too much for many exhausted,work-stressed people.

  7. One thing I have found is break up always get the slacker to develop arm reach, profound value for the one who left. But why is that? Why wait until after a breakup or when you are close to lose a SO to get the massage, your partner could leave at any moment if you fail to fulfill as promise? Treat your partner like they are indeed your client you never want to lose.

  8. I think that we should treat ANYONE in our life the way we would treat a client—romantic partner or not. This would just exponentially increase the quality of all our relationships.

  9. I was married for 20 years and my wife never invited me to a work function. At the end of the marriage she told me she didn't want to be seen in public with me. I discovered just how nasty women can truely be. In the West we have spoiled women to such an extent that are entitled to treat men with incredible hate. Now in dating the same applies and the mind games are a full-time job.

  10. Having a great marriage is need to have a good communication, respect each other and more effort to build a strong marriage.

  11. Being motivated by fear won’t work it is still selfish. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and lied down his life for her. Likewise wives respect and submit to your husband as to the lord. The husband has not The conjugal right to his own body and likewise the wife has not the conjugal right her her own body less Satan tempts you. Turn to Christ or you will shatter your own marriage and blame your “partner” (what a ridiculous word as it assumes gender equality) for something you’re both responsible for. Ps. High level intimacy always equals high sexual desire barring premarital sexual abuse.

  12. Esther has a lot of knowledge but also know that even with this advice you can not truely control another person They may have been raised in a way that does not value the opposite sex or they have other (originating) family hang ups that may have nothing to do with you but met be hurtful to you. And you can spend years treating your partner as a client with good intentions and still come up short unfortunately

  13. After a long day of work, you just want to come home and be indolent with your partner, but this is risky. Put in the effort and give your partner respect and give them elevated presence. Hell, do this for yourself too! If you do it for yourself maybe it will come naturally for your partner.

  14. This wise woman reminds of my sociology teacher in college. She was very intelligent, insightful, articulate and to top it off she was attractive and to top that she was one of the most compassionate people I ever met.

  15. Wow sounds exactly like my what my mother said when she decided to get a divorce after 30 years of marriage. She said he took me for granted but will regret what he did for a long time. She was right.

  16. "bringing the left-overs at home" ( most likely "bad-left-overs" ) ….. this is the CORE of relationship problems ….. then again, it's impossible to be 100% perfect — BUT, its a CHOICE to be mindfull to Refrain + Habitualize avoiding "bringing home bad leftovers" 💚❤💙💜💛

  17. also liking the message that "Security & Adventure" are inter-related in a relationship 💛💜💙❤💚🌷🌼🌺🌸

  18. its hilarious to me that people think marriage is a magic bullet cure all. when people speak of effort, well what does that mean to each party? that's not a fool proof idea. Love language differs. there can be underlying measures societal, financial, environment that also infect love and desire to the point where they are fleeting. lets not even get to cultural differences and the religiosity frameworks THAT influence millions.

  19. When your spouse has troubles in her job place There are sexual problems even if you are a good husband. The biggest problem happens after having a child she changes mostly about sex

  20. love her and she is totally right…..and very beautiful i might add 🙂 and i am a married man,shame on me. lol

  21. basically – don't relax 100% in a relationship, especially when you think you've 'settled', because that's when people let themselves go and stop putting as much effort in. desire can wane and that impacts the relationship. don't slack! you can still be vulnerable but always work on self.

  22. This "client approach" reminds me "conditional love", which seems to be the worst love ever. I've got the point: it's all about caring, but this client metaphor is rather deceptive than helpful.

  23. Yes, and in the mean time coping with losing your job, a child with cancer, an accident, sexual abuse of a relative… sorry, Mrs Perel, you present a marriage rather in a bubble of people with a certain livingstandard. Who is able to afford your therapy sessions? I Thank you for sharing your experience with us on YT… in the end we all Go home to our daily life.

  24. She finally got to the point when she mentioned boredom. And it’s only on the woman’s side. For no reason they get bored after awhile whereas the man doesn’t give a shit he can carry on doing what was always fine for both. This is not an issue that lays with the man but with the woman. She must check herself or leave to find another man.

  25. It's simple, you can't negotiate sexual attraction. You can negotiate the rest of the relationship but if the couple is not "gaming" each other, sexual attraction will die out.(what she say treat your partner like if they're a client)
    I don't know why psychologiests/therapists still think that you can help your clients negotiate sexual attraction. Doesn't work, ask any nice guy who's spent years trying to negotiate his way into a relationship and is still in the friend zone years later.(at least this one seems to know that there more but she's only scratching the surface)
    All in all this is good advice for ladies especially in this age where women expect men to take all the responsibility in the bed room aka "he didn't make me cum" wtf! do your part…

  26. Jews love profiting off other people's problems with no risk and giving "advice" like Joseph the dream interpreter in ancient Egypt. Room mates, lovers, companions, parents, very complicated. Too complicated. Businesses go bankrupt and so do relationships. Love is not popular in the Jewish religion. Money is more important than love in Jewish relationships or business. Marriages are rarely great. Marriages are a great burden and difficult. We raise children so they can be free slaves for usurious bankers. Modern love is anti marriage and anti love.

  27. With all my respect for her but I cannot be agreeing with her statement:treat our spouse like you treat your clients.Because if they cheat the clients in a bad way by cheating or impolite way ,that mean they cheat also the their spouse and treat bad the spouses well …so many which they cheat in their clients..so many they cheat on client and so many they behave very bad with the clients and in NOT polite way with the clients..simply just remember how many times you were in a shop for example to buy something and the seller or didn’t give you back the correct change or the seller speak bad and not polite with you even to don’t offer a polite smile 😊..so no I am not agreeing with this.I dont have a life partner,I am alone for many years,but if I had one I would don’t want my life partner to show his own unhappiness or his own bad wake up day on me like is doing with the customers whatever clients or customer are they and whatever buisness is about.xxz

  28. Some people get married after several years they don’t have sex because they realize they messed up and their is nothing their one does and the other is not interested and don’t know how to tell them it’s better to talk to each other and divorce because ur not going to be able to keep them

  29. WONDERFUL ADVICE! Still there are no easy answers in this life. It's a lot of work with no guarantees. However, on the other side, one can be selfish, manipulative, enjoying it while it lasts and be ever ready to accept the outcome of your chosen fate. It's a lot easier. Or, perhaps there's a way to have it all. Anything's possible.

  30. I think this is partially true. It's incomplete. Men and women are different. If a woman acts like she belongs completely to me then I will not take her for granted. But if a woman acts like she's got other options and has one foot in the door and one foot out the door, then I start to lose interest. However, for women if a man acts like he has no other options then she loses interest. Women need that drama. Men don't. If a woman tells me that she can date other men, I'll tell her – please go date other men. I want someone who will stick with me through thick and thin, and then I will give her everything.

  31. I think a lot of people are misinterpreting what Esther said, I don't think she's trying to say put on a fake happy face all the time at home or threaten your partner to leave if they they are not at their best beahivour 24/7.
    Also some people said well that's conditional love bla bla bla. Of course love is conditional, how else could it be? I'm not my partners mother to love him no matter what, whoever says that is either lying or just has psychological issues.
    Because yes my partner has to put in work for me just like I do for him. If he or she doesn't add any good to my life why would I be with that person? Or if they make me unhappy more than they make me happy. So I think what Esther means is that you actually embrace your partner, their love, their presence in your life with the same enthusiasm and energy that you have when it comes to your business/clients because your partner deserves it.

  32. She's such an inspiration, a we'll educated confident, classy lady, also i really appreciate the interviewer who listened so intently without interrupting her 😊

  33. It’s good to have a break. Often to much sex leads to boredom especially when it’s always the same. Especially for women so they fake it.

  34. Thanks for the advise. Thus far I have made $25K from my partner who has now become officially my client as well. Fantastic advise!

  35. this woman is a jackass… yes i said it… i only treat my clients the way i do because i don't give them access to my private life; and i'm able to keep an emotional distance that allows me to maintain these professional relationships. so there is zero effort to appreciate their personal problems or dedicate any time or reasources into resolving them. a partner that you share a bed with, can never be on the same pedestal as a client.. ever… we all crave intimacy… we don't get that from clients, if we did, see how long that relationship lasts. as for not taking your partner for granted is concerned, the world is become increasingly stressful, work hours have increased wages have not, little things become magnified in an instant, small sparks set off explosions, and women know… they will always win. marriage is dying folks, and will be dead sooner than we think.

  36. Treat your marriage as you would a garden. Not just a garden of flowers but one that grows the food you need to live. No matter how well you've planned, weeds and bugs will appear, so be diligent that they don't take hold. Share the responsibility of maintaining this garden in a regular, organized way so it won't be a bothersome chore but rather a simple, pleasant habit. Even if the garden is on your windowsill.

  37. That’s a good statement, why is it good sex and then loss of relationship. Or great love and great relationship but low low Intimacy it is puzzleing..

  38. Thank you for your work and the attention you are giving to this.. I tend to listen and trust what you are saying because you are a one hell of a sexy woman.

  39. You hit it! I agree, if you realise that your partner is not for granted you can find the insecure part of a relationship and the mistery. Maybe that way you will make efforts to feed what you have with that person 😉

  40. Man, I love Esther but I don't think her client comparison hits as well as it could. The problem is many people don't know how to even treat clients well and lack customer service skills (not because they are neglectful but maybe they just have never been exposed to it). Also, with clients you have the advantage of not being invested in their personal life. I feel like her advice is for business people by a business person.
    that said, i totally get her point. Don't slack and become complacent.

  41. The title doesn't help share this with unmarried friends. They see the title and don't bother opening it. Please change it to something like treat your partner like you treat your client. Thank you!

  42. Yes, I totally agree.This is the biggest factor that causes Divorce, treating strangers and clients better than their partners.

  43. Why can’t you lower your guards after being in love for years and after the newness is gone? Even you understand your clients and they understand you over time and don’t pose great expectations; rather reliability.And you are always looking for new clients anyway and treat them same with same respect and importance. That’s not the case with your lover as that person is only one for that moment/period.

  44. The best thing is not to say we are in a relation, but honor that person at the same time, so there are no boundaries, boundaries limits your spirit and therefore you are in a prison. It s only possible with two independent and at the same time loving person.

  45. Many are simply conflicted with their sexual feelings – their sexuality. IMO.
    Animal feelings are very primitive and out of their comfort levels. IMO

  46. The Hollywood actors Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell or some other Hollywood couple gave the same reason of why they never got married. Because the door was always open (not married), knowing that they person could walk out at any time, is what kept each other working at the relationship.

  47. Just because society shows something is normal, it may not be the same with a believer's normal that comes from the Word of God. Society's normal does not change God's normal.

  48. Im with a guy who is 12 yrs older than me…we r tgether for 1.5yrs..long distance rltnship…he is a real n grnuine guy many times said he loves me and alwys managed to meet me wenevee m at his city..bt for few months i hv beeb thinking dat he is less interwsted or im forcefully keeping him into this..so we discussed but it leads to no ending of a rltnship….i dont knw wt shud i do..i hv nt texted or called him in a month.. Warlier also even if i didnt want but the rltnship was into silent or no contact thing as he is busy n its a long distance thing…i feel he loves me but i dont knw he is hiding maybe bcz of hsi past or bcz of long distnce or maybe bcz of age gap n all…he has not texted or called me in 15 days…im keeping my silent n no contact thing on…i want him to open u about his feelings…now im shifting to his city for my career…how can i make him get to open up or to trigger him about losing me..should i continue thsi no contact n wait fir his call or text..wat shud i do..wenver i meet him shud i act normal like never before or shud i finally ask if u wana end this or what..or shud i act normal n make him fall for me more and then ask him for ending…?

  49. This is what happens when a person is passionate about what they do, truly magical things come forth. Good magical things.

  50. Well
    Treating Your Partner like A Client can and will be Counterproductive…
    The Thing is, We will get Bored With our Significant Other whether we like it or Not,one day Routine will just set in…
    I believe Accepting this and Understanding that its not necessarily A Problem will Help Alot…

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