When someone you love betrays your trust,
it can feel like an hopeless hurdle to overcome. But the truth is, with a little tender love
and care, and dedication from both spouses, it’s completely possible for your marriage
to survive infidelity. My name is Brad Browning, I’m a marriage
coach from Vancouver, BC. You may recognize me from another one of my videos, or have
heard about my best-selling Mend the Marriage program, designed to help married couples
work through their hardships and recommit to one another. But today I’m going to talk
about how to overcome cheating in your marriage. Before we get started it’s important to
note that before any progress can be made in repairing the marriage, the unfaithful
spouse must first end their affair. Once that’s done, both spouses must commit to repairing
the damage, rebuilding trust, and working through the following steps to save their
marriage and emerge stronger on the other side. Here they are:
1. Openly talk about the affair. In order to move past the infidelity, it’s
important that both partners are given the opportunity to share their feelings and get
the insight they need to move on. The betrayed spouse should ask questions about the things
they need to know. For example, how long did the affair last? Was it sexual or emotional?
What was the extent of the lies that were told to conceal it? And is there any risk
of an STD or pregnancy? Although they may have the urge to learn the x-rated details
of the sexual encounters, they shouldn’t ask. Instead of causing more unnecessary pain,
keep the focus on the relationship, not the affair.
It’s also important that the unfaithful spouse shares the thoughts and feelings they
had that caused them to cheat. Doing so will help you both understand the underlying problems
you face. 2. Practice honesty and work on rebuilding
trust. It’s crucial that spouses provide all details
honestly and completely, and take the steps necessary to prove their trustworthiness.
Even though telling the truth can be tough, it’s been proven that couples heal better
after an affair if the adulterous spouse supplies all of the information requested by his or
her betrayed partner. If you never discuss it, you cannot recover. A willingness to talk
about the affair will rebuild trust, but if you leave out details and they come out in
the future, then your spouse will feel betrayed all over again. Another great way to work on rebuilding trust
is by making sure that your actions match up with your words. For example, if you say,
“I love you,” back it up with loving actions. If you say, “I want our marriage to work,”
then commit to being monogamous. There is nothing worse for your partner than to find
out they’re being lied to. 3. Patiently face your feelings. Infidelity has a devastating impact on a marriage,
but if you can stop and fully feel the heartache, you will be surprised at what is possible.
Once you face your feelings and give yourself time to process them, they will begin to shift.
It’s true you’ll never forget the affair, but with time, the painful memories will begin
to fade. The single best indicator of whether a relationship
can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows when the betrayed
spouse gets emotional about the affair. It can be frustrating to hear the same things
over and again, but it’s important to be understanding of their feelings. After an
affair is over, a couple has a window of opportunity to fix what was wrong and make their marriage
better than ever. However, the emotional reactions that are left over from the affair may stand
in the way. It’s important that spouses takes healing seriously and don’t try to
rush their recovery. Grieving together can help you let go of what’s lost to make room
for your future together. 4. Learn to deal with resentment. Once a husband and wife agree to work towards
rebuilding their love for each other, you may think that that all would be forgiven.
While that may be the case, it’s not likely that all will be forgotten. Since a spouse’s
unfaithfulness is one of the most painful experiences anyone can have in life, it’s
not uncommon for couples to find that the memory of their spouse’s affair haunts them
even decades after it happened. Although the resentment caused by an affair
can push couples to consider ending their marriage, most affairs do not lead to divorce.
In fact, most spouses try to reconcile, and usually succeed. That said, even after a successful
reconciliation, resentment is a feeling that will linger on and on. At times you may feel
you’ve overcome it, but unfortunately it is something that will return time and time
again 5. Do things together Couples that spend time together and have
shared interests recover from infidelity much more quickly and effectively. Make a point
to discover or rediscover things that you can do together that you both enjoy, it’s
a great way to spend quality time together, create new memories and become more emotionally
intimate. By keeping busy, you and your spouse will
have less free time to sit around and dwell on the affair. Trying new activities and exploring
new interests together will also give you both the chance you need to reconnect.
6. Recommit yourself to the relationship. The emotional fallout from infidelity can
take years to heal, but if you want to stay together, then act like you do.
To help you recommit to the marriage, think back to when they first met or got married.
How did you fall in love? Why did you get married? What did the relationship look like
back then? Now, think about the future you wanted to spend together, your plans to enjoy
retirement together, travel and enjoying family activities. What does that look like? 7. Seek professional help. Often times, couples dealing with infidelity
will choose to attend counselling together. Talking to an outside third party can give
you both the help you need to understand the unmet needs in your marriage, and it can also
speed up with healing process. That said, it does take time. If you’re still on the fence about councelling
but would like to start repairing your marriage today, then visit www.MarriageGuy.com to watch
the full length video presentation. 8. Start fresh.
Once you are ready to move on, it’s important that you let go of any old thoughts or behaviours
that triggers memories of the affair, and replace them with things that encourages you
to be committed, content and faithful in your marriage. In order to truly get over infidelity it’s
important that you do not hold the affair over your partner’s head. If every time
your bicker it leads back to what happened, then neither of you are going to be able to
grow and move on together. Well that wraps things up, I hope you enjoyed
the video and are feeling confident about overcoming the issues in your marriage. If
you have any questions for me in regards to anything I covered, please feel free to post
in the comments below and I’ll do my best to get back to you. That’s all for now, thanks for watching
and until next time, take care.