How To Rate Your Marriage | Paul Friedman

Hi, my name is Paul Friedman. I’m the
founder of The Marriage Foundation and our foundation is a nonprofit. We’re not
connected to any religious group. We’re not connected to any political group. I
founded the organization in order to spread the teachings that I discovered
about marriage which as far as I know don’t really exist in one place like
they do at The Marriage Foundation. So this video which is part of my mini
marriage counseling series is going to help answer the question of how is my
marriage doing, what’s your marriage like? How does it compare?
Maybe that’s the question you want to ask, maybe you’re not sure of how you’re
doing, and you want to know what you can do. So I’m gonna give you context for
your marriage that you probably haven’t thought of before at least not in a way
where you’ve been able to articulate it. So oftentimes, I have found working with
couples and individuals that I’ll say something and they go, “I knew that but I
had no idea.” Kind of interesting, isn’t it? So let’s begin with a basic premise
because you want to know how is your marriage doing, what’s the criteria
you’re going to use? So for that we have to understand a little bit more about
marriage. So there’s two general criteria for marriage. One is material you know oh
we don’t fight or we fight, we don’t get along, we get along, our kids are doing
well in school, our kids are not doing well in school, we’re both working, we
have a nice home this is all material criteria sort of the outer condition.
But that’s not why you got married no because of Western psychology, yes I’m
blaming you Western psychology going all the way back to Freud and your
associates who view the soul as an abstract thought because of you people
are confused because the reality is the hard reality is that marriage is a
spiritual venue, and the main criteria upon which to measure your marriage is a
spiritual criteria, and it could be summed up in one word love but both of
these are shooting for one general feeling, and that’s happiness. You got
married in order to be happy, everybody does, and when you met each other you
thought this is someone I could be happy with which is a good way to put it.
This is someone I get along well with I want them to be my best friend, I want to
in here’s where you went off. You should have said I want to build our marriage
together with this person build our marriage together is the key
because most people don’t think in those terms, most people think — let me
use an analogy I’m gonna use an analogy of an airplane when you get into an
airplane unless you’re a pilot you get in, you sit down, you relax, pick up a
paper magazine and you enjoy the flight. But when you’re the pilot you can’t do
that, you can enjoy the flight, you should enjoy the flight
but you’re responsible for the flight. Marriage is the same thing
it’s organic so in that regard it’s a lot like a plant.
You can’t put a plant in terrible soil and expect it to do well. You have to
continuously rejuvenate the soil. You have to make sure the conditions around
the plant are correct temperature, light, humidity. Your marriage is the same. You
and your spouse got together to build your own marriage, and why? In order to
have happiness. In order to have happiness primarily spiritually through
love. There’s no getting around that love is spiritual you can’t see it, you can’t
touch it but you could feel it so you know it’s there it’s a lot like God. You
can’t see God, you can’t touch him but you can feel him so you know he’s there,
she’s there however, you see God doesn’t matter. And what are you anyway that love
is so important you’re a soul, you’re a soul who has a body in mind.
Now the body in the mind require material things
to protect it and make sure everything’s working out but the soul only requires
love. So how is your marriage doing? What criteria are you gonna use? Are you gonna
use the spiritual criteria? Fine, you can but there’s a lot of people, I used to be
a divorce mediator, there’s a lot of people who have a great life. Their kids
are doing well in school, they’re going to college, they’re getting good grades
although not once they have trouble but they have multiple homes, they have nice
cars, they have all the trappings of a healthy happy marriage but it’s material
so even on a scale of 1 to 10, if they’re at an 8 that doesn’t do anything.
But if they’re feeling loved, feeling loved, and this is the criteria, how is
your marriage doing on a scale of 1 to 10. Did you think I was going to give
you a little quiz? How often do you go see the movies together? How often do
you eat meals together? All this nonsense, it’s all material it’s not nonsense
altogether, but it’s useless because what you really want to judge your marriage
by is love. How am I feeling love? So let’s go back to the airplane analogy,
what is an airplane designed for? Airplane is designed to fly. How well is
your airplane doing? Is it shaking while it’s flying? Is it steady in flight? Can
it handle storms? Does it land well? Is everything working, functioning? Who’s in
charge? The pilots, who’s in charge of your
marriage? What’s a marriage designed for?
That’s an interesting thing, I told you before I created the Science of Marriage
because marriage is purposeful and there’s elements of marriage that help
you fulfill its purpose, its purpose is to be happy through love. That’s it!
So many people when I shifted from being a divorce mediator I did it with one
couple who was having difficulty in their marriage and they were only
getting a divorce because they didn’t know what else to do.
So I sat down and I laid it out, it took me a while but I got it here’s the do’s,
here’s the don’ts. I’ve written a couple of books Lessons for a Happy Marriage,
Breaking the Cycle, it helped thousands of people because it gives context, it gives
how to do it, what to watch out for but everything is geared towards one thing
creating fulfilling love, that’s it. So no one could answer this question but you.
I’m not going to tell you add these up see where you stand you know where you
stand based on this criteria because if this is working, all the other stuff
comes from that, and it’ll be working too. You have a mind. Your mind can be filled
with day-to-day crap or it could be fully infused with the love that you and
your spouse are generating in your marriage and if that’s happening, guess
what? You will have achieved this happiness. Happiness does not come true
happiness does not come as a result of material wealth, doesn’t come as a result
of prosperity. You need those because it gives you the ability than to develop
the conditions upon which you can experience
it’s true happiness and love, but it’s not dependent. There are very very poor
people who are very very happy. How? It’s all about love. So you do it, do you have
a 1 2 3 up to 5, or are you maybe a 6 or a 7? So here’s something you should know,
you should be at a 10, you should be at a 10. Use one of my books, make the effort
correctly to achieve a 10, and how is my marriage doing. Now, that’s it. If you like
this subscribe, get more of the videos. If you really liked it share it with your
friends. This is great information pass the word around. I’m very happy to help
you you know The Marriage Foundation offers
a free service to everyone and that is free marriage help. If we can do it in
the context of free we will you right into one of our counselors. If you need
to buy a book or if your marriage is in trouble, you need to get a course,
then you’re helping support our foundation. But ask a question any time
find out, we’re here for you. We’re here for you with love and gratitude that we
can be of service. Thank you very much. Blessings.

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