How To Stop Being Jealous In Marriage | Paul Friedman

Hi, my name is Paul Friedman. I am the
founder of The Marriage Foundation and today’s topic is “How To Overcome
Jealousy in Marriage” and this is a very tricky thing because if we’re talking
about your jealousy then I could speak directly to it. If you’re talking about
your spouse’s jealousy then all I can do is give you things that will help you
cope. Why, why is that? Why can’t I give you something that will help your spouse
overcome jealousy? And the reason why is really rooted in a very deep principle
and if you think about this principle and if you get this it’s gonna really
help you in a lot of other areas of your life. The principle has to do with the
fact that you have free will as an individual. You have free will which
means everybody has free will and free will is a double-edged sword. What it
means is, and you may relate to this, no one can tell you what to do.
Nobody compels you to think a certain way and I run across this all
the time when someone writes to me who’s taking our course and they say
my husband or my wife drinks a lot and I think that’s what’s impacting them. How
can I get them to stop drinking, and the answer is you cannot and you can speak
to any professional you want and it always boils down to this. Until an
individual wishes to change themselves nothing and nobody can get them to do it.
You can’t bribe them, you can’t punish them into it, you can’t compel them with
force, you can’t compel them with threats nothing works
and it wouldn’t work with you. Now once you have made up your mind, I am going to
get rid of jealousy. I’m tired of this jealousy that I carry, you can do it. So
let me go to that first, how do you deal with jealousy? Now it’s gonna be very
difficult for me to give you a cure that will work in this video because it’s a
very deep kind of thing and it boils down to the fact that you will have to
learn how to control your emotions, how to control your habits meaning how to
institute new ones and get rid of old ones and how to control your mind which
is what it boils down to. And for that, we have courses, two courses, they’re all
encompassing but it focuses in a very beginning on this and jealousy is gnarly.
So usually, you can’t do it otherwise so let’s talk about where jealousy comes
from and you’ll get an understanding. We are driven, we’re souls, you’re a soul
and as a soul, you possess a mind, you possess a body. You’re not your body. If you lose a hand, you will say “Well, I lost a hand,” but it doesn’t change
who you are. You may be you with one less hand but you’re still you. Well, your mind
is the same thing. You possess your mind it’s not you and this is one of the
great failures in education is that they don’t teach us this
in school that it’s your obligation to control your mind until you do because
eventually, all of us need to learn how to control our minds but until you do,
until you have that realization, your mind is basically controlling you and
what do I mean by that. Well, what is your mind and I’m not gonna break it down
entirely but basically, you might say that your
mind is your habits and your instinctive reactions and your emotions.
Simple enough, that’s really all there is and what has happened is, and I’m not
going to get into a really long explanation but you could look
at more of my stuff and you’ll learn about it but basically, if you’re not
controlling those they are controlling you. You have to learn how to watch your
mind and where do those come from. Well, the habits that’s a really good
device. Think of it as software that’s gone bad if you will, if you don’t have
good habits but most your habits are good so it’s a great tool. The problem
comes in when you have like a jealousy habit then you have to learn how to
watch your mind and stop it before it acts on this trigger, this jealousy
trigger. Why do you have a jealousy trigger to begin with? Because you have a
body, remember there’s three parts to you so the body is all about one thing and
you know this already, your body is all about survival and survival manifests in
primarily two ways. One way is through the flight-or-fight routine where you
you need to defend yourself against any adversary and you also have to have
opportunity, and then the second part is all about procreation but we don’t have
to get into all that. So jealousy, as you can well imagine is embedded in the
survival component that is afraid that you, if it’s you, or your spouse is
concerned that they will lose their mate or more sort of grossly their possession.
You’re their possession and they’re your possession in this perverse
part of the mind so that’s where the jealousy is coming from. It’s survival is
depending on it so if it’s you who has the jealousy problem you really should
look at the course that The Marriage Foundation has whether you’re a man or a
woman based on that it’s the one you choose, it’s much easier way to deal with
this but if it’s your spouse that has it you need to understand that nothing you
say or do is going to get them to change. They may suppress it a little bit. They
may try to hide it a little bit but until they’ve made up their mind all you
can do is out of love for them is reassure them and don’t be annoyed
anymore by this bad habit that they have this tendency that they have. See it, and
this is important, see it as a handicap that is crippling to them and it causes
them all kinds of grief so don’t see it as how it’s affecting
you. See it as how it’s affecting them which is the right way to behave when
you’re a spouse through love and there’s nothing you can do other than assure
them, remind them that you love them. Do not be critical of it. It won’t help.
It’ll hurt, it’ll cause them to be more suspicious if you say something so all
you can do is you could say, “Honey, I totally understand and I’m sorry if I
gave you any cause for you to be jealous.” And you have to mean this, you have to
turn your mind into very understanding and compassionate and I will do my best
to not give you any more cause. I certainly could never imagine myself
being with someone other than you and you just reassure them. They won’t hear
it completely but it will help. It’s all you can do. Alright, so those are the two
sides. One side is it’s your spouse there’s nothing you can do and feeling
frustrated about it’s not going to help anything so you got to get past that.
You’ve got to be mature enough to be compassionate enough to understand that
it’s their problem. Don’t allow it to be your problem. However, if it is your
problem, if you’re the one who’s suffering from jealousy then you need to
learn how to control your mind. Just controlling the jealousy won’t work. You
have to have a deep understanding of how the mind works. You have to understand
its mechanisms and see that it’s a composite of triggers, memory, thoughts
from the outside that are going to trigger it some more, things that you see.
It’s a weakness within your mind and you have to learn and it’s doable. It’s more
than doable. You can own this within days but you got
to use a scientific process and I mean you could try on your own but it’s
really a tough one. The last thing I want to say is that jealousy is never
ever rooted in the truth of the matter. A jealous person will always say, “I know
they’re cheating. I know that other women are looking at them. I know that other
men are interested in her.” That’s just the mind deceiving you. Don’t believe it,
don’t believe it. That’s not the problem. The problem is how badly you’re being
beaten up by it, that’s the problem and it can be fixed. Alright, so if you
are suffering, if you’re the one who’s suffering from the jealousy then you
truly have my sympathy but you also have a way to deal with this. If it’s your
spouse then rise above it and it will work and nothing else will. Bear that in
mind, it’s almost like a either/or okay you either rise above it or suffer from
it all you want and rising above it trust me is a whole lot easier than what
they have to deal with. Alright hopefully this was beneficial to you I really hope
so. If you want to put some comments and
exchange some ideas, I’m happy to respond. If this was a useful video for you like
it and share it with your friends, your family or whatever, maybe your spouse and
other than that blessings to you blessings to your spouse, and blessings
to your family. Thank you!

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