How To Stop Fighting In A Relationship And Resolve Conflict In Marriage | Paul Friedman

Hi, I’m Paul Friedman. I founded The
Marriage Foundation and The Marriage Foundation is I think amazing and unique.
We’re nonprofit, were not connected to any church or political movement, and we
offer free marriage advice to those who write in. There’s no obligation.
Our counselors will be there to help you. We also have the books that I’ve written
two of them one is Breaking the Cycle, the other is Lessons for a Happy Marriage
both give a very holistic view of marriage. They’re very very useful and
they’re fine unless your marriage is really falling apart. If your marriage is
really falling apart if it’s a failing marriage then by all means take a look
at my explanation for my 12-week marriage saving course. It’s really
amazing; it’s really very helpful. But there’s a lot of times when you’re just
having a little trouble and you’ve done a search now for marriage communication,
and I’m gonna give you techniques here. So, we’re going to start with a technique
that is so useful and so many people overlook this even though they know it’s
a good technique. You know it’s a good technique even before I tell you about
it it’s called the “I’m sorry” technique. There’s a serious problem when you’re
communicating and the communication starts going downhill. And at first
you’re just talking about something it could be very innocent and then all of a
sudden you hit a point of disagreement and it’s human nature to focus in on
that point of communication that is troubling until you get it resolved. It’s
human nature; it’s part of us because of our drive
to survive. We want to make sure the path in front of us is cleared away and we
don’t care who dies in the process so to speak. So we have to be right, we have to
be clear, we have to know. When you reach that point of contention you’re making a
choice, do I want my marriage my communication my connection to be more
important to me than my being right? Right? Those are your two choices being
right, being connected. So I’ve introduced the “I’m sorry” technique. Now a lot of
people “go wait a minute” because you know what it means. It means as soon as you
see your communication is going downhill. You go, “I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m sorry.”
And the other person, your spouse isn’t going to let it end there usually.
They’ll either want to dig in, remember human nature, you bet I’m right or
they’ll challenge you. What do you mean I’m right? What do you mean you’re sorry?
Because the momentum of the moment is carrying them into this negative
space but you are in charge of you. You are in charge of you, no one else is. How
they react? What they do is them, what you do is you,
you have free will, you have willpower only over you. So, it
takes two to get into a fight, one person cannot fight by themselves. You have the
power to end it so what you go is “I’m sorry.” If that doesn’t end it you
don’t need a long explanation but you may need an explanation for your own
mind because they suffer from human nature and you suffer from human nature.
So what you tell your mind is up to you as long as you get it to shut up.
You don’t continue in the fight and you mean it when you say I’m sorry you mean
it. So there’s different things you could be sorry for, you could be sorry for
upsetting them for being the outer condition that has pushed them into a
less-than frenzy or even a frenzy. You could be sorry that you would actually
engage in a conversation that’s going to make your spouse unhappy. You could be
sorry that you don’t understand them well enough to have communicated in a
way that worked for both of you. You could be sorry that you’re insisting on
being right. There’s so many things you can be sorry for that it’s endless, it’s
infinite. But you’re allowing your mind to choose confrontation rather than
harmony because that’s what it boils down to. You always have the choice. Do I
go down the beneficial path? Do I go down the destructive path? You always have the
choice so using the sorry technique puts an end to this communication that is
going south. If you stick to it some people try it and their spouse gloats or
does something to trigger them again and they explode again; it’s worse.
So this sorry technique is extremely effective so use it. Use it, test it and
then work on your own mind and go look mind. I’d rather be connected to the
person I chose to marry than be right in something that I’m gonna forget about in
a couple of hours anyway it’s not going to matter. I would much rather use my
energy in my communication to create love than distance. Okay, so that’s it for
that technique. If you liked it share it, like it. Let people know we’re here
because we’re here for you and we want your marriage to be happy. We do, and we
want do everything we can to help you.

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