If You Could Have Dinner (And Sex) With Any Famous Figure | After Hours


Really, Soren? What, you’ve got a book of cocktail party ice breakers under the table? We don’t have to talk about it. No, let’s! Right after we discuss everyone’s favorite colors. Booo! Third insult! Okay fine, what do you guys want to talk about? [half-hearted mumbling] That’s what I thought. Fine! Uh… Teddy Roosevelt! I would take him to a TGI Fridays and I’d ask him which of the old-timey knick-knacks on the walls he’s used as murder weapons. Classic first date blunder; I mean, you’re over preparing for the conversation, it would obviously veer off course and then you’d get flustered. Yeah, soon you’re explaining why buffalo wings aren’t really the wings of tiny flying buffalo, and then he’s going to ask what happened to the real buffalo. Oh I think he can handle that, he was a hunter. Then you go to pay, and he sees his face on the money and freaks out! They can’t put Teddy Roosevelt’s face on money, it’d be too intimidating to spend it. Someone’s face is on something. Lincoln! He died unexpectedly so he’s probably got a lot of stuff left to say. Ooo, let’s role play! [squeaky voice] I’m Abraham Lincoln! Why are you talking like Jiminy Glick? Lincoln’s voice was really high pitched, often compared to a tea kettle. Of course that’s what you remember about him. First of all, Mr Lincoln, big fan. How did the play I was watching end, did My American Cousin ever show her tits? That would not be his first question. Did my wife ever remarry? If not, how is old Martha Joe? Mary Todd. Okay, this doesn’t prove anything! Hold on, that’s a legitimate question. Why wouldn’t Abraham Lincoln want to know if the love of his life went on to feel the touch of another man …’s boner? I’d want to know that. Okay, I’ll google it. She didn’t remarry. She went crazy. [Michael/Abe Lincoln cries in anguish!] Oh! Oh no, crazy rich, and immortal! Woah, hold on, so you just brought Lincoln back from the dead to lie to him? I was under prepared, I’d study up! Yeah, you would study up on the stuff that you’d want to talk about, but there’s no guarantee what they’re going to say. The people that you know from history books, or… as the case may be, Histeria! reruns… they don’t exist. So you’re either learning the sad, disappointing truth- I freed the slaves as a goof! Or they try to pretend to be the person that you think they are and you learn nothing. I wear this hat and neck beard to hide the fact that I am secretly a Frankenstein! Okay I feel like maybe you’re abusing the power that I gave you earlier. Wait wait wait! What if you do bring someone back from the past just to lie to them, BUT it’s someone you hate? Oo, you don’t even need to lie, in some cases. Imagine how blown Hilter’s mind would be by like… like anything, like just not Nazi’s everywhere. Columbus! Columbus barges into America, calls everybody Indians, steals all their gold, murders like… a bunch of them, and yet we still celebrate him as a national hero centuries later. We could build him up, and then knock him down! Ooo, take him to a fancy New York restaurant overlooking Columbus circle. During a Columbus Day parade. And right when he’s at peek self esteem, you… -Show him modern day Spain.
-Take him to an Indian reservation! -Order him some peppers…
-Rape him! Wh… what? Wh- PEPPERS gets the look, not-?! Fine! The only reason we call them peppers is because Columbus thought they tasted like black pepper, they’re completely unrelated plants… I was do Indian reservation but then she took mine, so… I know. Okay, well while Dan’s and Michael’s are comically bad, feeding somebody peppers or… Michael’s… are really the only things you can do in the time frame of a single dinner. No way, my would take days! Even if you used your dinner to try to teach someone a lesson, the Encino Man Principle clearly states- Wait, is gonna be anything like your BioDome theorem? CLEARLY STATES that the best question is- See, in Encino Man when they first unfreeze the caveman he just sits around, poking stuff. Any dinner with someone from the past is just gonna be that for two hours. “Blast it, what are these infernal sun orbs!” and so forth. So they’re just time traveling exchange students, then? Yeah, exactly! And you’re like the host, so you get to take credit for everything awesome by proxy. Plus you get to know the real person, no one can be fake for a whole year in a studio apartment. It is certainly more sound than your Son In Law model of human sexuality, I’ll give you that. It really means you have to have complete faith in whoever you chose. Or think it would be fun to party or hook up with. I’m raining on you b!%#&[email protected]! Suck my d!#%! What? Ew! No, not ew, not ew! This is important! We’ve got Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra and maybe Susan B Anthony? No, definitely Susan B Anthony. Yeah and you’ve got every great historical figure who’s ever lived! You could spend your year seducing THE Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. Young Frank Sinatra, Che Guevara! God, how cliche! Malcolm X! Okay, Michael clearly has some weird civil rights thing going on but you said cliche, which implies that there’s a better answer. There is! Bone-jammin’ Franklin. …Benjamin Franklin. So no one’s going to accuse Dan of having an old, fat inventor thing? Ben Franklin was notoriously charming, a stone cold pimp. The only thing he loved more than the ladies was lying his ass off. He totally made up the kite thing. He made up all the awesome stories about himself, except the ones about orgies. Yeah, he’d be like the King of the Internet. [Daniel] And I his Queen… …is what Katie should say. Ah, she’s being coy. Suck on both my #*#&! Give me that! Oh my god are you playing a five year old?! She’s twelve! Are you winning at least? You don’t win, it’s not that kind of a game, you just put… words down… Really? Cause it looks like- -Shut up Michael, I swear to god if I- if you- I’ll- I’ll-!
-Yeah? What? [Daniel] You write words non-competitively? That’s just… like talking. [Soren] What’s the point of doing anything if you can’t win? [Katie] I’m building my vocabulary that’s a life win, isn’t it?

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  1. been Bing watching for a bit and just realized why I like after hours so much, Seinfeld is over and the 4 people here are like them. the normal guy, the awkward nerd with glasses, the dominate female who's a bro, and the weird guy who dresses off. and they sit around talking about nithing.

  2. My pick would be mitochondrial eve for dinner and f#$&ing, assuming we could also have a translator or somehow magically be able to communicate.

  3. Definitely Lord Byron. Not only was he bisexual (which is great for me), he had a lot of suitors (so you know he had to be at least cute) and he was a poet. He also had a fucked up childhood, so you know we'd have a lot of interesting conversations (and probably a lot of depressing ones, which i can deal with). He even loves travelling.

  4. I have the feeling Licoln would be a bad dinner date but a great fuck (I picture him as socially awkward)
    Dinner with Franklin and Elinor (both. Franklin would be the entertainment and Elinor the passionate causes).
    Live with Ben Franklin (I bet he was on 24-7. Plus he could fix stuff. Plus it would extremely pleasurable to watch him learn about technology and information).

  5. Dinner and Sex? Well, I'd have to go with Mochizuki Chiyome, because, after Takeda Shingen's death, she vanished without a trace, and I'm curious as to what she did after his death. Plus, sex with the very first female ninja, and the one who made female ninja's an actual thing? Yes please!

  6. Have dinner with? Jesus Christ. We'd get Mexican food, and I'd try and see if he knew what 'Mexican' was.
    Fuck with? Karl Marx. I've always wanted to show Karl Marx what happened after people gave his ideas a try.
    Be Roommates with? Peter Freuchen. The word 'real-man' is all it needs to say on his wikipedia page.
    Fuck? Anita Ekberg. Sexist reasons. It's fantasy. Don't judge.

  7. i am still pissed to this day that we never get to see katie's answer to what historical figure would you fuck b/c dan is right, she has unlimited options and the only answer we get is from dan and it's ben franklin who is objectively a shitty answer. yes, he's a stone cold pimp. NOW LOOK AT HIS BODY TYPE. ben franklin was a "stone cold pimp" b/c he banged a bunch of desperate old ladies who didn't mind sleeping with a guy who had a double chin. i'd rather see katie give an actual answer that has logical reasoning and legitimate boneability. like alexander the great maybe, or billy the kid, they had to have been in great shape given the lives they lead and both lead pretty damn awesome lives as they stayed in that great shape. seriously, revisit this topic with the b-team after hours crew so we can get a real answer on who to historically fuck from a girl's point of view.

  8. Dinner – Ernest Hemingway: he'd be fascinating as a dinner companion, but I feel any more than one dinner might result in permanent liver damage.

    Fuck with – Vladimir Lenin. He never got to find out how his whole communism thing went.

    Flatmate – Ada Lovelace. She seems like someone whose mind would constantly be moving to new things and whose company you'd never get bored of.

    Sleep with – Julie d'Aubigny. Famed beauty of the Paris Opéra in the age of the Sun King and master swordswoman and victor of many duels. How can you go wrong?

  9. First Question: Thurgood Marshall or Bantu Steve Biko
    Second Question: Herrmann Goering
    Third Question: Teddy Roosevelt or Tsar Nicholas II and King George V (Excluding black rights activists, because they are globally fine as fuck)

  10. Soren: Michael clearly has some weird Civil Rights thing going on.

    cue flashback to Back to the Future Episode
    Michael:Why do you know what year the Civil Rights Movement started?
    Dan: Why do you NOT?

    clearly this is Dan's fault…

  11. Wait a second….THE TITLE MATCHES THE TITLE CARD IN THE VIDEO….AND it matches the transitional statement…
    Bravo

  12. 3:21 Dan's is comically bad, Michael's is horrifying and psychopathic. It's like something a very disturbed SJW would come up with.

  13. 5:41 Okay that seems a bit creepy considering a full grown woman is telling a 12 year-old to suck her tits.

  14. Dinner with Leonardo da Vinci. Fuck with Andrew ''Old Hickory'' Jackson. Roomates with Winston Churchill and Fuck Theodora (the Roman Empress married to Justinian).

  15. Jesus Christ. Cause if he's real, no one else matters, if he isn't, who else would matter? I mean the answer to one of the biggest debates. Even if no one else believed you ever. Like, seriously, imagine it. You'd Know.

  16. Fred Flintstone makes cameos in Family Guy. Others do others , cameos across the Cartoon Multi verse occur more often and I believe it should be encouraged. I’d like to see Boondocks with Family Guy cameos in it as well vice versa. Cleveland visits Boondocks too etc..

  17. I'd like to meet young Joseph Stalin. I wonder what kind of dude he was before he became the paranoid hate monster we know him for. Also he was pretty good looking.

  18. If we extended it to any famous figure in general (history, movies, comics, celebrities, etc) I would have to say 17/18 year old Wally West…….

  19. My answers and reasons why in order:

    1) Kurt Cobain – Like his music
    2) Wu Zetian – I’m into Asian women
    3) Joan of Arc – Died when she was legal
    4) Mother Mary – I’d become god
    5) Elizabeth Báthory – Girls with issues are INSANE in the bedroom

  20. Hitler part. One, he wouldn't be shocked, he lost the war. Why would someone who conceded to death as he knew he wouldn't win the war be surprised his faction isn't everywhere? Second, there are plenty of neo-nazis out there for him to be kind of shocked that the world is so stupid to have a continued, vested interest in Nazism.

  21. I'd teach Nicola Tesla about pigeons and/or be his first sexual encounter(he died a virgin). He wouldn't be happy that the one thing pigeons can't work without is smell that being said they do navigate in a lot of ways but it's like knowing multiple languages on a map but you can't read it because your glasses fell off. I'd also get a previously dead man to pick stocks and see what happens.

  22. Let me have dinner with Hitler. Or Jack the Ripper. Or any of the other sickos that ever lived. Not to mess with them. Just to learn about the human aspects of them, you know? What was hitler’s happiest moment? Favorite food? What was one thing he always wanted to do? Like, these things that make up all people, but that these people are also unbelievable monsters. That would be interesting.

  23. Cleopatra was actually not that pretty by today's standards. The way movies portray her as the most beautiful thing is a lie. She actually was very charming and was very confident, allowing her to charm many people! Not hating on anybody or Cleopatra just pointing it out.

  24. He didnt discover North America, or ever set foot in it. He stumbled upon the Bahama's and the island now callled Hispaniola. He didnt reach India cuz he thought the earth was a pear, unlike his colleagues who knew the Earth was a semi-sphere

  25. Gotta go with young Brando for all of them. He was a serial misogynist but I admire his work and skill. Getting under his skin would be interesting plus 1950s Brando was gorgeous.

  26. It just occurred to me…
    If Lincoln had been in the afterlife and is asking about Martha, that would mean she wasn't there.
    How awful.

  27. Dude I've been watching this show for years now and seen every single episode like 20 times already. And the show is so witty and great that I just now realized that Dan says in 5:22 that he wants to die as Benjamin Franklin's queen, proving that Michael was right by saying he had "old fat inventor" thing 5:07. This show never ages, man.

  28. Cleopatra is obviously the best choice. She is the best conversationalist in history, seducing Roman leaders not through beauty but through personality.

  29. i need to go buy food, not binge watch cracked videos… ive needed to do this for about 5 hours now, i think im addicted to cracked.

  30. I would have dinner with John F. Kennedy, so he would tell me about his scandalous sex stories. I would mess with Thomas Edison because he was a prick to everyone. I would be roommates with Rodney Dangerfield just so he and I could make more movies. Finally I would have sex with Nancy Reagan because why the hell not?

  31. Hitler woulnd be blown that there wouldnt be nazis everywhere he shot himself because he knew he was losing the war

  32. The thing about a lot of historical figures is being able to communicate with them. Even 100 years ago people talked much differently. You would definitely need to use only proper English. I would bring back someone like tesla or Einstein or Hawking. That would be my contribution to society

  33. The correct answer is Jennifer Lawrence.

    Hey, it says FAMOUS, not historical. Think about it: she's funny, intelligent, talented, and hot AF – dinner and sex would be AMAZEBALLS! I gotta think even Jennifer would agree that I'm right. Of course, she's already had dinner and sex with Jennifer Lawrence, so maybe she would go with someone else…

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