Really, Soren? What, you’ve got a book of cocktail party ice breakers under the table? We don’t have to talk about it. No, let’s! Right after we discuss everyone’s favorite colors. Booo! Third insult! Okay fine, what do you guys want to talk about? [half-hearted mumbling] That’s what I thought. Fine! Uh… Teddy Roosevelt! I would take him to a TGI Fridays and I’d ask him which of the old-timey knick-knacks on the walls he’s used as murder weapons. Classic first date blunder; I mean, you’re over preparing for the conversation, it would obviously veer off course and then you’d get flustered. Yeah, soon you’re explaining why buffalo wings aren’t really the wings of tiny flying buffalo, and then he’s going to ask what happened to the real buffalo. Oh I think he can handle that, he was a hunter. Then you go to pay, and he sees his face on the money and freaks out! They can’t put Teddy Roosevelt’s face on money, it’d be too intimidating to spend it. Someone’s face is on something. Lincoln! He died unexpectedly so he’s probably got a lot of stuff left to say. Ooo, let’s role play! [squeaky voice] I’m Abraham Lincoln! Why are you talking like Jiminy Glick? Lincoln’s voice was really high pitched, often compared to a tea kettle. Of course that’s what you remember about him. First of all, Mr Lincoln, big fan. How did the play I was watching end, did My American Cousin ever show her tits? That would not be his first question. Did my wife ever remarry? If not, how is old Martha Joe? Mary Todd. Okay, this doesn’t prove anything! Hold on, that’s a legitimate question. Why wouldn’t Abraham Lincoln want to know if the love of his life went on to feel the touch of another man …’s boner? I’d want to know that. Okay, I’ll google it. She didn’t remarry. She went crazy. [Michael/Abe Lincoln cries in anguish!] Oh! Oh no, crazy rich, and immortal! Woah, hold on, so you just brought Lincoln back from the dead to lie to him? I was under prepared, I’d study up! Yeah, you would study up on the stuff that you’d want to talk about, but there’s no guarantee what they’re going to say. The people that you know from history books, or… as the case may be, Histeria! reruns… they don’t exist. So you’re either learning the sad, disappointing truth- I freed the slaves as a goof! Or they try to pretend to be the person that you think they are and you learn nothing. I wear this hat and neck beard to hide the fact that I am secretly a Frankenstein! Okay I feel like maybe you’re abusing the power that I gave you earlier. Wait wait wait! What if you do bring someone back from the past just to lie to them, BUT it’s someone you hate? Oo, you don’t even need to lie, in some cases. Imagine how blown Hilter’s mind would be by like… like anything, like just not Nazi’s everywhere. Columbus! Columbus barges into America, calls everybody Indians, steals all their gold, murders like… a bunch of them, and yet we still celebrate him as a national hero centuries later. We could build him up, and then knock him down! Ooo, take him to a fancy New York restaurant overlooking Columbus circle. During a Columbus Day parade. And right when he’s at peek self esteem, you… -Show him modern day Spain.
-Take him to an Indian reservation! -Order him some peppers…
-Rape him! Wh… what? Wh- PEPPERS gets the look, not-?! Fine! The only reason we call them peppers is because Columbus thought they tasted like black pepper, they’re completely unrelated plants… I was do Indian reservation but then she took mine, so… I know. Okay, well while Dan’s and Michael’s are comically bad, feeding somebody peppers or… Michael’s… are really the only things you can do in the time frame of a single dinner. No way, my would take days! Even if you used your dinner to try to teach someone a lesson, the Encino Man Principle clearly states- Wait, is gonna be anything like your BioDome theorem? CLEARLY STATES that the best question is- See, in Encino Man when they first unfreeze the caveman he just sits around, poking stuff. Any dinner with someone from the past is just gonna be that for two hours. “Blast it, what are these infernal sun orbs!” and so forth. So they’re just time traveling exchange students, then? Yeah, exactly! And you’re like the host, so you get to take credit for everything awesome by proxy. Plus you get to know the real person, no one can be fake for a whole year in a studio apartment. It is certainly more sound than your Son In Law model of human sexuality, I’ll give you that. It really means you have to have complete faith in whoever you chose. Or think it would be fun to party or hook up with. I’m raining on you b!%#&[email protected]! Suck my d!#%! What? Ew! No, not ew, not ew! This is important! We’ve got Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra and maybe Susan B Anthony? No, definitely Susan B Anthony. Yeah and you’ve got every great historical figure who’s ever lived! You could spend your year seducing THE Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. Young Frank Sinatra, Che Guevara! God, how cliche! Malcolm X! Okay, Michael clearly has some weird civil rights thing going on but you said cliche, which implies that there’s a better answer. There is! Bone-jammin’ Franklin. …Benjamin Franklin. So no one’s going to accuse Dan of having an old, fat inventor thing? Ben Franklin was notoriously charming, a stone cold pimp. The only thing he loved more than the ladies was lying his ass off. He totally made up the kite thing. He made up all the awesome stories about himself, except the ones about orgies. Yeah, he’d be like the King of the Internet. [Daniel] And I his Queen… …is what Katie should say. Ah, she’s being coy. Suck on both my #*#&! Give me that! Oh my god are you playing a five year old?! She’s twelve! Are you winning at least? You don’t win, it’s not that kind of a game, you just put… words down… Really? Cause it looks like- -Shut up Michael, I swear to god if I- if you- I’ll- I’ll-!
-Yeah? What? [Daniel] You write words non-competitively? That’s just… like talking. [Soren] What’s the point of doing anything if you can’t win? [Katie] I’m building my vocabulary that’s a life win, isn’t it?