Inside Amy Schumer – Bachelorette Party Disaster

a bachelorette party bus
flipped over the Pines Bridge
and landed
on top of a booze cruise
carrying a separate bachelorette
Now, our first responders were
on the scene almost immediately
and, as it turns out,
the small penises we found
dotting the shoreline were not
the remains of young boys
but were,
in fact, straw toppers,
or “dicky sippies,” as
they’re called.
These here.
These are used for
drinking alcohol out of.
I’d like to turn this over
to the head of the ICU
at Mercy Medical,
Dr. Todd Mandible.
Good morning.
As it stands, we are treating
11 women for hypothermia after spending several hours
in the water clinging to inflatable sex dolls.
Four women, uh, remain in
critical condition in what I can only describe as
a rat king situation
in which
they are bound together
in a wet tangle of hair
extensions and feather boas.
Thank you, Dr. Mandible.
We’ve questioned
several witnesses.
One man recanted the following
conversation he overheard.
“Help, my best friend
is drowning.”
“She’s not your best friend.”
“Really– Then why
am I the maid of honor?”
In every case, onlookers who
called 9-1-1
urged us to take our time.
Sadly, there were fatalities
and for that I’m gonna turn it
over to our chief coroner.
Thank you, sheriff.
Yes, there
were multiple fatalities,
including three alcohol
that were not
related to the crash.
(reporters murmuring)
Can you give us some
more details?
Well, at least
one woman drowned
after being knocked unconscious
by a bitch goblet.
What’s a bitch goblet?
To my knowledge, a bitch goblet
is a large drinking goblet
with the word “bitch”
stenciled in puff paint
across the back of it.
One woman who made a brave
effort to make it ashore,
but her
hair was so messed up
and her makeup was so
grotesquely running
that some local farmers thought
she was one of the ghost girls
from “The Ring” and smashed
her head with a shovel.
But probably the most tragic
loss was a woman named Beth
who was surprised that she was
even invited to the party,
she was just
a friend of a friend.
Thought about not going,
decided, (bleep) it, why not go?
And she’s dead.
I’d like to turn it over
now to the fire chief.
I’m sorry, that’s
a surviving stripper.
Nice, okay.
Thanks, Barnabas.
What happened
to the drivers?
Both the driver of
the party bus
and the captain of
the booze cruise are deceased.
They committed suicide
prior to the accident,
for obvious reasons.
The survivors are currently
with grief counselors
and we have made sure
that those grief counselors
have their own
grief counselors.
Now, our… our thoughts and
prayers are with the families
of the surviving girls, as these
girls are the worst.
Please respect their privacy
at this humiliating time,
thank you.
(reporters murmuring)

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