Jim Gaffigan Birthdays – Gifts CAPTIONED


Birthdays… everyone acts a little differently around their birthday, don’t they? You ever have that friend that gives you that birthday alert? “Hey, Just want to let you know, next Tuesday is my birthday.” “Just want to let you know I’m not getting you anything.”
They give the alert, because you know there is so much pressure in our society to have
a good time on your birthday. You know, it’s like…
“I can’t believe I’m going to work on my birthday!” “I can’t believe I’m doin’ laundry on my birthday!” “I can’t believe I’m payin’ for sex on my birthday!”
“Ripoff…” It is fun getting those gifts, isn’t it?
It can be hard to give a gift… It’s a gamble, you know like, i-it’s hard.
I can’t believe we are still giving clothing as a gift.
Because whenever you get clothing as a present you always open it up and you think,
“…not even close.” The person that gets it is always like, “you
can take it back if you don’t like it.” “That’s alright, I’ll just throw it out.” “Don’t get me an errand.”
“Happy birthday! Why don’t you head to the mall for me?” “If you’ll get my dry cleaning that’d be awesome.” I got a robe for christmas, I remember looking
at the robe thinking, “Wow. Hope I get the flu so I can wear it.” I mean who has the time to enjoy a robe?
What are we, about to shoot a porno? That’s a weird piece of clothing.
How did we even come up with robe? Was some guy like, “Hey! I got an idea. How
bout we make a coat out of a towel!” “there can be a belt that goes around…
you can dunk the belt in toilet…” “…be a toilet belt.” The indoor jacket, the robe.
You ever see someone outside in a robe? They look like they escaped from the loony
bin. “Oh, just getting the paper.” “Before the monsters do, right?” The only time I wear a robe is when I’m staying at a fancy hotel and you have that robe in the closet. I always feel uncomfortable when room service comes and I’m in a robe.
Like I’m trying to seduce the room service guy. “Hello, welcome to my room!” “I’m in my robe and here is the bed I rented… is there anything I can do to be more creepy?” “He was believable as the creepy guy.”
“It reminded me of his cat woman.” “Scary.” You ever get a candle as a gift?
“Hey thanks, you know I have electricity right?” “Look if my place smells, just let me know.” “No, this is perfect. Now I know what I am giving you next year.” “This.” “Your candle gifts.” It’s a gamble with gifts.
You know. The Statue of Liberty was a gift.
Big beautiful statue, gift from the French. Good that statue is beautiful, because if
it was ugly that would have been awkward. French would have come over, “Where is the
Statue of Liberty?” “Yeah, uh… That’s in the desert in Arizona.”
“yeah, we thought it really complimented the desert.” Would have been even more awkward if we re-gifted
the statue. “where is that gigantic statue?”
“uhh… Japan was having a birthday…” “…and we didn’t know what to get them.”
“We said it was from both of us and they just love it, love it, love it.”

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