Jimmy’s Fifth Anniversary Monologue Goes Off the Rails


-Welcome, everybody! Welcome, welcome, welcome to
“The Tonight Show.” This is it.
[ Cheers and applause ] We made it. And even though I just got here,
I can already tell you guys are way better
than last night’s audience. Yeah. Absolutely.
Absolutely. And you’re actually here
on a very special night, because, guys, tonight
is our fifth anniversary. That’s right.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ That’s right. We launched the show
exactly five years ago, and as of tonight,
we’ll have made 1,022 episodes of “The Tonight Show.” [ Cheers and applause ] That’s crazy, right? I can’t believe
that it’s been five years. Can you believe that? -Actually I can, yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Thank you very much, Higgins.
[ Laughter ] Here’s a fun fact. Tarik, tell everyone
what you told me earlier. Tarik? [ Laughter ] Year six off to a great start.
Here we go. Can we try that again?
Dave, can we do it again? -No problem, Jimmy.
-All right, thanks. I’m gonna go from the
“fifth anniversary” line, okay? It’s the magic of television,
guys. We’ll edit this out.
[ Laughter ] Guys, tonight
is our fifth anniversary. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ That’s right! We launched the show
exactly five years ago, and as of tonight,
we will have done 1,022 episodes of “The Tonight Show.” [ Cheers and applause ] And check this out. Tarik, tell the everyone
what you told me earlier. -Uh, in dog years, we’re
actually at 7,154 episodes. -Wow!
[ Cheers and applause ] No wonder why I’m so tired. Now let’s get to some news here. If you watched
the Oscars last night, allow me to explain.
I’m what’s called a host. [ Cheers and applause ] That’s right, last night
were the Academy Awards. It’s when Hollywood
gathers together to celebrate all
the incredible films nobody saw. It’s great.
[ Cheers and applause ] -These —
These are the jokes? Unbelievable. -…limo saying, “I just want
to take another look at you.” [ Laughter and applause ] Of course, there were some
interesting winners last night. For example, the Oscar
for Best Animated Short Went to Kim Jong-un.
-Oh, really? Wow. [ Laughter and applause ] Didn’t even know
he was nominated. -He’s very animated.
-Wow. -Speaking of Kim Jong-un,
later this week, he’s meeting
with President Trump. They have a lot in common —
they inherited everything from their dads,
and they cut their own hair. [ Laughter ] That’s right —
Trump’s going to Vietnam. -Does he look, uh…
puffy? -Too much salt. -Ow.
-The meeting’s from… -Let’s get all the ramen
out of his office. -…Trump and Kim Jong-un,
their translator will just
slowly walk into the ocean. [ Laughter ] But I really wish cameras
were allowed in the room for that meeting,
’cause I’d love to see Trump try to say the phrase
“nuclear prolipf– prolip –” Oh, God.
[ Laughter ] “Nuclear proliferation.”
Sorry. Uh, I wish cameras were there, allowed in the room
for that meeting, yeah, ’cause I’d love to see Trump
try to say the phrase “nuclear polar–”
I can’t say it. [ Laughter ]
I can’t say it. How’s he gonna say it
if I can’t say it?! [ Laughter ] Cut that joke.
We don’t need that joke. [ Laughter ] Hey!
Uh… [ Laughter ] Five years, five years, yeah. Some entertainment news —
a new Jean-Claude Van Damme… -This is
an old person to you, right? This guy looks old? -“We Die Young”
is about what’ll happen if Trump’s meeting if
Kim Jong-un doesn’t go well. -At least he still
combs his hair with a sneaker. -Get this — the AARP… -That’s young. -…reality show
called “Date My Grandma.” [ Audience groans ] Like “The Bachelorette,”
but instead of a fantasy suite, they get a booth at Denny’s.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, my God. I hate myself
for writing that joke. -Yeah, I think we all hate you
for writing that joke. -Yeah. You should quit.
-Mm-hmm. -Hey, I saw that Facebook
recently celebrated its 15th anniversary. I can’t believe
it’s been around for so long. Do you remember what it was like
before Facebook? You remembered
your friends’ birthdays ’cause you actually cared.
[ Laughter and applause ] Bang.
[ Rimshot ] [ Laughter ] Before Facebook, you spent time
at work actually working. [ Rimshot ] Before Facebook,
the only way to find out your uncle was racist
was seeing him on Thanksgiving. [ Rimshot ] Finally, you guys,
a new report found that the New York Knicks
are the NBA’s most valuable team at $4 billion.
That’s crazy. That’s a billion dollars
for every game they’ve won this year.

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