Jordan Peterson’s Advice on Finding a Woman, Marriage and Having Children


What’s my advice to young men seeking a woman for marriage and family? Yeah. Well, okay, fine. That’s the same ques – second question. That’s, that’s pretty straightforward, man. I mean, you can’t eliminate the necessity of being attracted to one another. That’s important. And that’s mysterious, you know. Um. So, for example, here’s a funny thing. If you – one of the things we know that attracts people to one another is bilateral symmetry. And so if you take men and you rate them by the symmetry of their faces, and then you give the asymmetrical men t-shirts to wear, clean t-shirts for a day, and the symmetrical men clean t-shirts to wear for a day, and then you give the t-shirts to women and you have them rate the – the odor, the women rate the odor of the symmetrical men as more attractive than the odor of the asymmetrical men. And then, and there are other, uh, factors, that determine sexual attractiveness that are based on biological factors that are so – that deeply embedded, in terms of smell, for example. So, uh, women also tend to, uh, not be sexually attracted to the o – to the scent of men whose – who have, if I remember correctly, it’s Rh factors that would make for potential trouble in childbirth. And the – often the reason that the women give for not preferring the scent of those men is that they smell too much like their brother, something like that. So, there’s weird, mysterious things that determine whether or not people are sexually and physically attracted to each other, and I think it’s very important that that’s part of a marital relationship. The next most important thing is trust, man. It’s like there’s no marriage that’s successful without trust. You guys, you’ve got to tell each other the truth. And one of the reasons that Jung believed that marriage as a – an oath and a — Carl Jung — as a bond was necessary. It’s really wise. It’s like, you know, telling the truth to someone is no simple thing because there’s a bunch of things about all of us that are terrible and weak and reprehensible and shameful and all of those things and they kind of have to be brought out into the open and dealt with, and you’re not going to tell the truth about yourself to someone who can run away screaming when you reveal who you are. And so the marriage bond is something like, “Okay here’s the deal. I’m going to handcuff myself to you and you’re going to handcuff yourself to me. And then we’re going to tell each other the truth. and neither of us are going to get to run away. And so our – once we know the truth, then we’re either gonna live together in mutual torment or we’re gonna try to deal with that truth and straighten ourselves out. And straighten ourselves out jointly. And that’s gonna make us more powerful and more resilient and more – and deeper and wiser as we progress together through life. And, and I think that’s absolutely brilliant. Because if you leave a backdoor open, man, you’re gonna use it, that’s for sure. And the oath is there — and this was Jung’s commentary on the spiritualization of, of the human pair bond by Christian marriage, for example, which would emphasize, uh, the, the — what would you call it? — the subordination of both members of the marital union to a higher order, uh, personality that was embodied in the figure of the Logos. So the idea is that in an, in an, in the Christian marriage, for example, the man isn’t the boss, and the woman isn’t the boss. The boss is the mutual personality composed by the seeking of truth in both of them, and that’s conceptualized as their, their joint subjugation to the Logos. And that is absolutely dead on, man. It’s like the ruler of your marital life should be your vow to tell each other the truth. Because, like, in hard times during your life, when you’ve done something stupid and idiotic that might take you down, and you don’t have anybody that you can turn to, you know, if you have a partner that you can trust, you can go say, “Hey, you know, I made a big financial mistake, man, and it’s really torturing me, and I feel like a complete idiot and it’s really dangerous. And the person there is gonna help you figure out what to do about it. And they’re gonna know that when they make a stupid mistake — and they’re bloody well going to — that they can come and talk to you, and that you guys are going to work your way through it. And that’s a big deal. And there’s a couple of things our culture gets really wrong, and one is it devalues marriage. That’s really a very bad idea because marriage is – marriage is like a third of your life and maybe more. And kids are a third of your life. And your, your, your life outside of marriage and kids is a third of your life. You know, approximately speaking. And to miss any of that is a massive, massive mistake. Now, having said that, I will also say that for some people missing one or more of those is necessary, because they have a reason. You know, maybe they’re brilliantly creative artists, and they need to devote themselves entirely to their career. Or they’re outstanding in some way and so they can justify the sacrifice of one part of that triad of being to another part. But for – but generally speaking, it’s a very dangerous thing. And, and, it, it, it shouldn’t be done. And also kids get an absolutely terrible rap, you know, because kids are delightful if they’re well-behaved. One of the chapters in my new book is called “Don’t Let Your Children Do Anything That Makes You Dislike Them.” And you can do that, especially if you discuss it thoroughly with your spouse, your – the person that’s helping you discipline the kids. And children are the best company, because they’re really enthusiastic about everything. They love doing new things. They really love you, so they’re happy that you’re around. Um, all you have to do is make sure they’re not too hot, and they’re not too cold, and they’ve had something to eat, and they’re not too tired, and you don’t expect them to stay engaged in something for longer than they can manage. ‘Cause we used to take our kids when they were little out to restaurants, for example, and they could sit there no problem and behave really nicely when they were two and three. But they couldn’t do it for more than about 45 minutes You can’t push your luck. But I also noticed with little kids is that they got antsy and unreasonable about five to ten minutes before the adults did, too. It’s just the adults were too stupid to notice. The kids would notice right away. So, um. So, back to marriage. Well, you look for someone that you’re attracted to, that you love, and then you look for someone that you can bloody well trust. And then you tell them the truth. And, and that way maybe you can get through life, and you can have someone to weave the rope of your being with, and together to make, to make your joint rope stronger. And you can have some continuity in your narrative. And you can have children, and then you can have grandchildren. And, like, you could have a life, man. And there’s nothin’ – you’re so fortunate if you can manage that and so – okay, so there’s that one. So, “What’s my advice to young men seeking a woman for marriage and family?” Yeah, well. And also, you know, marry someone you think would be a good mother, and that has enough sense, generally speaking, to know that she wants children. Now some women don’t want children. And fair enough. And some women perhaps shouldn’t have children. That’s also possible. But the general rule of thumb is – especially once a woman’s, you know, in her mid-twenties – if she doesn’t know that she wants children, or won’t admit it, unless she has a viciously important reason, then she’s not oriented properly, psychologically. She, she, she isn’t, she doesn’t know what’s important in life. Now, that might also be the case with you. And it probably is. But as a rule of thumb that’s a really good one.

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Comments

  1. Lmao!! A woman who doesn’t want children isn’t wired right? Or maybe she just doesn’t want to be broke all the time, she wants to be able to travel and do things spontaneously with her partner instead of spending 2 weeks trying to find a babysitter, maybe she doesn’t want that amount of stress on her body, her mind or her wallet. Not having children is extremely sensible in this current climate.

  2. Find someone to date in asia. So much easier to find a good woman raised in a good family. The odds are in your favor. Why try to find someone in the west? It's a waste of time.

  3. 3 things to work on as men regardless of women
    1. Humour
    2. Money
    3. Confidence

    If you have all 3… you will get married. But who suggests that is a man's objection in life ? I mean by looking at the news the richest men always get shat on by women

  4. This guys such a fuckin nerd.. i want to understand him but he talks in nerd language i need a real nigga translation

  5. American Women are undateable… They spoil and they always have Big Daddy Government… I'm done with American Feminist Women and yeah… They are all like that… That's why they get mad when you said all Women are like that because it's true.

  6. Becoming a parent isn't for the faint of heart. Personally I don't recommend it. Adopt some animals and be a good pet parent, and if a few years down the road you still really really really want kids then adopt some.There so many children in need already in this world.

  7. Here's the key don't ever get married you don't need a symbol for your love and 2 women and love won't make "you" happy.

  8. A woman can easily obey a benevolent man, and the limit of her worries can be bordered by the walls of her home, for she is awarded despotism of it. Then at the end of the day the man returns home: the head of the family. Here he finds order, submission, respect and love. The Heirarchy must exist in order for the man to realise and feel it's worth. Many great men of history could not have been so if it wasn't for the structured rearing of them by the benevolent mother. Benevolence is dead, and it's taking the whole world down with it…

  9. Ha… Spot on about the rule of thumb towards the end. Was seeing this woman for 3-4 months who told me she didn’t want kids coz they will use/pollute the world and add to the population issue (she was 26–mid 20s just like you said). It didn’t make sense coz she didn’t have any issues with smoking ciggies & weed which caused a lot of harm to the environment. In the end, she physically hit me on two occasions. I later found out that she was physically abusive to her ex, tried burning the house down and she had to see a psychiatrist as a consequence of it.

  10. Marriage? Nah, I'm good. I'm a 26 year old male and never had a relationship and never will. I've only had booty calls my entire life and will continue to have booty calls simply because all women are good for is sex. That's right, I said it. Go ahead and flame me, it won't change the course of this fact. The main, and arguably, the only reason men want to get married is because they couldn't get pussy when they were single and now they finally can on the regular. Truth hurts, right?

  11. Peterson makes solid points, but feminist America is going to make the task very difficult, next to impossible. My ex, scoffed at me because I want to move to Alaska and homestead there (my dreams), hates children , a nasty harpy feminist , shamed me for mentally breaking down. Now, without the heavy baggage i'm full steam ahead to my dreams and a good lady to share em with. With or without a lady, my dreams will come true

  12. So I should seek a partner and commit myself % 100 to her because just in case I screw up my life along the way I can have someone to rely on ? No thanks : -)

  13. "she doesn't know what's important in life" ….. I find this fascinating as a married 31 yo woman with no kids by choice. Hmmmm……… Perhaps, it is the very fact that I do know what is important that I have decided to wait until I feel in a secure and comfortable place /time to have kids……. I won't deny I'm mentally unstable tho haha… But still that was a very broad generalization, Dr…. Tsk tsk

  14. I date, have friends that are girls, or just have benefits. I do not want to be married nor have kids. It’s overrated. That might change later but I am 30 and still do not want a wife and kids.

  15. as a modern sexual person, i feel that jordan has a archaic and different view of marriage and sex. not that its bad, its quite heroic and divine so thats nice. I still dont think its correct, "its just like, youre opinion maaaaannnneee"

  16. Since all women lie about it, how do you find someone who hasn't slept around, and someone who hasn't slept with some douche-y thug or criminal either? I think chances are better if you avoid the richer western countries in your search.

  17. TRUTH ????? WTF Whose truth ? Isn't one man's truth , another man's lie ? Probably why it always hurts. Marriage is like starting a business , only you'll never win guys.

  18. He's right about telling the truth. If you tell the truth and be honest and tell them what you're thinking your relationship will last forever. Even if you don't due to other reasons that is the key to a good relationship. You will become best friends and you will fall in love with each other. It works with guys and girls. And if that doesn't work than you can know that it wasn't your fault because you always told the truth and never lied. You obviously can ruin things other ways by physically abusing them or treating them horribly.

  19. Its the genetic warning that humans unconsciously know in attraction what is off. The smell on the T-Shirts is a perfect example. Truth is absoulute with respect. The logos topic is correct in marriage. Its so true. Jordan is right on.

  20. You omitted the teenagers years! Do the maths, because they do talk back, push tour boundaries exactly as when they were two, and that time, you are,soooo tired and hurt as you went for being their super hero to Enemy number 1. They will look to tear you down and you must take the lunches and guide them to a productive oath without smothering or bidding them. It is hard. My advice,,start early.

  21. Another reason why a woman doesn't want children could be that she was so abused emotionally and physically as a child herself that she knows that she would be an abusive mother and destroy her children the way she was destroyed. So it's better not to go there and pile that guilt on top of all the other problems she has. Just saying.

  22. Guys what’s so wrong with not wanting kids?? How about the argument that we’re “overpopulated”? I love kids and want kids, just playing devils advocate because these arguments can be compelling and I want to learn! Thanks guys!

  23. WHAT UTTER SUBJECTIVE IDEALIST NONSENSE FROM AN ACADEMICALLY INDOCTRINATED FOOL.
    MANKIND HAS DEVIATED FROM THE NATURAL TRIBAL-STATE WITH ITS POLYGAMY AND ACCEPTANCE BY A MAN OF ONLY VIRGIN WOMEN TO BE POTENTIAL MOTHERS FOR HIS SEED.
    MEN! DO NOT GO INTO SECOND-HAND WOMEN (A WIDOW BEING THE ONLY EXCEPTION), DO NOT ALOW FOR THE USE OF ANY CONTRACEPTION WHATSOEVER; SEX IS PRIMARILY FOR PROCREATION,
    AND DO NOT DENY YOURSELVES YOUR TRUE NATURE WHICH IS POLYGAMOUS.
    A WOMAN MUST
    REMAIN MONOGAMOUS AND LOYAL TO HER HUSBAND UNTIL DEATH, OTHERWISE SHE WILL BECOME POLUTED AND IN TURN BE A CAUSE OF POLUTION.
    THIS CURRENT AND FAKE CIVILISATION CONTRAVENES NATURAL LAW IN EVERY AREA!
    MEN! ACT AS MEN!

  24. women care far less about looks than they do the utility the man provides…..in fact if you ACT as if you are wealthy or APPEAR to offer them something USEFUL to them, they will flock to you.

  25. Someone please inform me, Why do men act like its such a priviledge and an honor to take care of a woman the rest of their lives? Biology? Is that what male human life boils down to? Not even spirituality transcends the common man's desire to have sex and place relationships with women on pedastals. Everyone agrees this country and its morals are crumbling right before our very eyes, yet "men" do nothing about it . We all sit and complain as the government enslaves its people and slowly burns the constitution, yet the only question that burdens the minds of men is "How can i get a wife?"
    By the way
    its 2019, your wife is the left over scraps from the tables of other men. Even after marriage you are most likely sharing her with other strangers. Its just the way the culture is now.

  26. Women by nature are evil and sneaky. Deception is literally what, not who, they are. Coupled with the "new age" thinking-they're absolutely ruined. Not all-only 99.9999%-which is the same as "all".

  27. Sorry, children are revolting, much less an obligation, and even much less a virtue. No thank you. There’s my good enough reason. As for others, that’s good for them if it turns out to be good for them.

  28. Why is physical attraction SO important? What if you have everything else? Common goals, incredible friendship, great living dynamic…

  29. "Because if you leave the back door open, man, you're going to use it. That's for sure!"

    Undeniably correct statement! Can you say "no fault divorce"? And we in America wonder why the D rate is so astronomically high!!!

  30. He is a brilliant man. Just not about women He married a woman he knew since childhood, so his view of women is a little narrow. He hasn't experienced the joys of modern American womanhood. They want a handsome, rich guy with a very large penis, and anybody who doesn't fit the narrative is going to suffer, sooner or later. Happily married men should be disqualified from discussing the horror of trying to make these girls happy. I am a widower, 56 years old, and I don't even try to look for a woman. Five minutes on Facebook, observing their manic depressive insanity, is enough to show anyone with half a brain that most of them aren't A: worth the effort, and B: aren't interested in actual men, only the fantasy narrative they create in their spoiled, delusional minds. I am horrified for any man under 35 in America. They aren't wanted.

  31. Marriage is like raising a child, there are no rulebook to follow. Every single relationship is unique and requires unique solutions. You can cut and paste here and there from books or video but never take it at face value. Learn by going through it yourself

  32. Here’s my advise. “Don’t”! Keep your money and friends. Just wait til Friday night get yourself a good looking hooker and some cocain then kick her ass out. Much cheaper and less bullshit.

  33. A word is enough for the wise and It is also important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners. I got help from cyberhackinggenius as he helped cloned my cheating wife’s phone and I got access to all her phone text messages and social media chats without touching her phone. All I did was share my wife’s phone number with Cyberhackinggenius. I was able to read her recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on her phone and she has no idea her phone has been cloned. I discovered that my wife has been in a long term affair outside our marriage with so many proofs. You can contact this great Hacker Gavin via Gmail (cyberhackinggenius) or text and speak to him directly on his phone and WhatsApp : +19256795146.

  34. To find a great partner:
    If you are a giver, marry a giver.
    If you are a taker, marry a taker.
    But a giver with a taker = disaster and tragedy.

    Also – I don't believe it's all about looks – I've found some very odd types of guys severely attractive, even sometimes totally not "my type" guys have been seriously appealing to me. I think genetically we were a good match, it's all in the science of things.

  35. No matter how beautiful a woman is, once you know who that person really is, and the only way to really know who that person is, is to be handcuffed to her for life! Makes staying single seem so much more bliss!

  36. Handcuffs, torments, etc, I believe Mr.Peterson is exorcising his own views and marriage experience here,…., i have been married twice, quite happily and never dealt with these topics or even had to, since they were and are non-existing. Now about truthfulness then I do agree, open yourself and trust otherwise it doesnt really work. More importantly, scent chemistry, that's the main thing. Invest some $ on really nice colognes and stop spraying tesco's Axe under your armpits, the difference is astounding. In case you're confused, just ask any female friend or relative, they will teach you.

  37. Marriage for man in current conditions is horrible idea. Probably somewhere in patriarchal countries with low divorce rate and where in case of divorce you will not lose everything including children.

  38. O esta mal subtitulado o se traba muchisimo y mezcla 20 cosas en una oracion… eso pasa cuando tenes mucho conocimiento pero poca claridad mental para expresar una idea… se vuelve fastidioso tratar de seguirlo..

  39. Meet a woman, have children, get food on the table, raise them properly, give her sex but never ever expect her to stay with you!!
    Never ever expect her to be faithful!!
    She might but never expect it.
    We men just have to understand that and deal with it in a clever way.

  40. Couldn't imagine my life without my kids. By them I was able to know the amazing love that we as humans are able to giveaway.
    Being parents extend your heart, your empathy grows and you get more conscious about the important things on life; such as love, mercy , compassion, empathy, solidarity…. as well the AMAZING creation we are , it is just WONDERFUL to realize that part of that tiny human have your ADN data. AMAZING !!!!!!!!

  41. Well, I never smelled, sniffed my brothers, hahahahaha, we did fight, but I wasn’t smelling them. Ohh one time my dad told me to smell one of my brothers to see if he smelled like weed, haha , but at that time I never knew what weed smelled like, but dad I don’t know what weed smells like, just smell him , well I didn’t want to see my brother get a whooping. Sooo I told my dad he smelled like burning leaves and sticks from a fire and the woods behind our house. He didn’t get a whooping, I was glad. 👍🏽😊 But not long after that he was caught red handed, then he got a whooping.

  42. Smart women know looks ain’t everything, it’s their heart that matters. A beautiful person can be mean and hateful and conceded in the inside.

  43. The “Perfect” wife:

    1) Virgin (be her first)
    2) No former bad break ups
    3) Mom & Dad are still married
    4) Same religion
    5) Successful in school and career
    6) Good relationship with father
    7) heavy family enthusiast
    8) will remain unbiased between Spouse & Family discourse
    9) want a big family

  44. The hand cuff idea is awesome. It really was my idea on marriage. Unfortunately, my last fiancée planned an escape route. Lesson learned. Never marry a woman who has planned an escape route. No commitment. No real love.

    But, Damn, I loved that woman. Still do even though she is 1000’s of miles away. Marriage can be the most wonderful thing and it can be most hellish thing. It took three years for my heart to heal. When I found her plan, it was over for me. It was the hardest thing I ever done and probably the smartest thing I ever done.

  45. Maybe I have some psychological problem or something like that, but the thing is that I am a woman who is 30 and has never really dreamed about having kids. I think maybe that is why I don't think I should get a boyfriend. I assume most men eventually would have kids, but I don't have that "dream" where I see myself as a mother, so it will not work out at the end.

    To be honest, I think I am a healthy person, but I have never had a genuine interest in having children despite how a lot of people try to tell me it is natural for a woman to want kids. Maybe it has to be with how I see the world… Maybe it is because I like the idea of adopting kids more. Maybe it is that I think we are a lot of humans in the world right now. But that's my reality right now. I feel good about myself right now. I feel attracted to men and would like to pursue relationships, maybe? But I don't feel like I really need it, if the ultimate goal of having a relationship is having children…

  46. Since 16 to 27 I have only been single for a few months in btw relationships now am 29 only single for 2 yrs. sure had time of my life but now I am sick and tired and any girl come close to me I get panic as if I know what’s gonna happen

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