Kevin Spacey’s Correspondents’ Dinner Spoof – “House of Nerds”

Ed Henry: We can’t have you stockpiling
all these tickets, deciding where everyone gets to sit. I really need you to release some of these
tables. Frank Underwood: Well you know my motto, Ed,
you scratch my back I won’t lacerate yours. Henry: I have integrity, sir. I’m not gonna cut a deal. Underwood: I’ve seen your work, Ed, let’s
not kid ourselves. This is the part where you leave. [Henry leaves] Valerie Jarrett: What on earth happened, Frank? You know I was supposed to sit next to Conan. Underwood: Well it’s for the greater good,
Valerie. Jarrett: Greater good? Please don’t tell me that it has anything
to do with North Korea, same sex marriage, cabinet app— Underwood: No, no… Jarrett: I’m not done, Frank. Underwood: Oh alright, go ahead. Jarrett: Taxes, gun control, the Middle East,
cyber-warfare, the fiscal cliff, pipelines, education, social security, Iraq, Afghanistan— Underwood: Look, Valerie, it is not going
to happen. Jarrett: Well then I’m curious. If not me, then who? John McCain: He’s the one that got fired
from The Tonight Show, right? Underwood: Yes, and then he moved over to
TBS. McCain: Is that a real network? Underwood: No, but neither is NBC. McCain: Can’t we do better than Conan? Like, Jimmy Kimmel? We’re trying to rebrand, appeal to the youngsters— Underwood: Look, I’m sorry but Conan is
the best we can do. McCain: Fine, as long as you don’t put Pelosi
at my table, she keeps trying to friend me on Facebook. [whistles] Politico editor #1: Congressman, we don’t
focus on the masses, we focus exclusively on an elite audience. That said, we’d like Kim Kardashian at our
table. Underwood: Then I need Mike to start wearing
pants to the White House briefings. Politico editor #2: I refuse to wear pants
until the President gives us more access. Underwood: Just do as I say and Politico gets
a Kardashian. Oh and Mike, what is your home address? #2: Uh, why do you ask? Underwood: Well to send you the tickets, of
course. #2: Send ‘em to the office. #1: Nobody knows where he lives, congressman,
we mail his paychecks to a PO box. Underwood: Oh, Mike, there’s no reason to
be nervous, put your home add— [#2 hangs up phone] Underwood: Is Valerie badmouthing me to the
President? Jay Carney: [Shakes magic 8-ball] Reply hazy. Underwood: Is she out for revenge? Carney: Ask again later. Underwood: Look, I need you— Carney: Look Frank, you want to talk about
immigration, we can talk about immigration, we can talk about the budget, I’ll even
talk to you about Jay-Z and Beyonce in Cuba, but there are two things I don’t talk about:
covert operations and Valerie’s magical powers. Kevin McCarthy: Steny is my best friend. Underwood: So what’s the problem, you two
play basketball every Tuesday. Steny Hoyer: Nerfball, Frank, Nerfball! McCarthy: But we don’t want the rest of
the world to know that. Underwood: Well Steny, I’m willing to break
you two up if you can get me tickets to a Raven’s game. Hoyer: Are you kidding’ me, I’m all out,
Frank, how do you think I got elected whip? McCarthy: How ‘bout Taylor Swift at the
Verizon Center, backstage passes? Underwood: Oh now, you’re hitting me where
I live. Thank you gentlemen, you are the coolest whips
in town, you better believe it. [Knocks action figures off desk with phone
receiver] Hoyer: You have to introduce me to Ted Sarandos
at the dinner, I can’t get my fu**ing Netflix to work. Major Garrett: I have three sources at the
West Wing saying Valerie is on the warpath. Underwood: You might think that, I couldn’t
possibly comment. Garrett: Is it true you’ve been hoarding
tickets to the dinner? Underwood: Where are you getting that? Garrett: Ed Henry Underwood: Oh, you mean Mr. Ed-tegrity. Garrett: I’ve got to go, that’s Jeff Zucker
on the other line. Reporter: How about this, you tweet it and
I’ll retweet it? Underwood: Alright [types and sends tweet] Reporter: Done, I thought you wanted the immigration
bill to pass though? Underwood: I did, but that stingy Hoyer wouldn’t
give me Ravens tickets. Reporter: Gotta go. [To woman] Refill? Woman: To the top. Ben, this is so much cooler than the Correspondent’s
Dinner. Reporter: A colonoscopy would be cooler than
that dinner. Underwood: You can’t run for mayor again,
Mike, that’ll put Anthony Weiner in a pickle and then he’ll tweet that pickle. Michael Bloomberg: Well, what do you suggest? Underwood: President of the Correspondent’s
Association. Bloomberg: Doesn’t that position only last
for a year? Underwood: Well since when did term limits
ever stop you? And you should know, Mike, Ed drinks Big Gulps. Bloomberg: Ed Henry, Kevin, I want him out. Aid: I’ll make some calls. Charlie Rose: Is that Frank on the phone? Frank, it’s Charlie Rose. Tell me this, why did you cancel last week? Underwood: Margarett Thatcher died, I was
in mourning. Rose: Ok, how about next week? Underwood: Well I’m already booked on the
Today Show, but Doug will be in touch. Ed Henry: If I at least play ball will you
get Bloomberg off my back? Underwood: Only if you give me your absolute,
unquestioned loyalty. Henry: That’s a pretty big ask. Underwood: 42 seconds during the dinner to
say whatever I want. Henry: Take 45 Underwood: Washington and Hollywood. Some new faces, some old faces, some new faces
on old faces. And I do sympathize, Conan, and not just for
that backstabbing Leno, but having to host. It must be so hard having to write jokes about
a town that already is one. Democrats, Republicans, the White House, Congress,
you all came together to make this spoof. That’s what real bipartisanship looks like. I may lie, cheat, and intimidate to get what
I want, but at least I get the job done, so I hope some of you were taking notes. Well have a wonderful evening and I’ll see
all of you at the Bloomberg-Vanity Fair party, that is, those of you who got an invite. Oh, and Mr. President, welcome to Nerd Prom. [Applause]

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  1. This was the by far one of the best correspondent's dinner events ever. The opening spoof, Conan , The President's speech all we're masterclass.

  2. can someone explain to me about all the back stabbing, and double meaning been done. just learn bout murican politics

  3. Do Dems not realize that Kevin Spacey is playing a Democrat? That mos of the despicable people in this series are Democrats?

  4. He stole Ed Henry's Bg Gulp. That's quite a power play.
    Alos, he sounded like Lindsay Graham…you know, a South Carolinian, but fey.

  5. You have to give it to these guys they have no problem making fun of themselves. This video is great for all the political junkies out there.

  6. Even though House of Cards is harpooning them every episode, they are such mediahogs that they don't mind playing themselves to get some extra camera-time.

  7. 5:27 Oriental woman shares my reaction precisely: unsure what exactly these amoral PoS have been saying for the last five minutes, utter disdain for everything said a*holes might currently stand for or come to stand for in the conceivable future, and more than a little sad about the state of a world run by incomprehensible maniacs

  8. Daily Conversation: Thanks so much for uploading this "funny" conversation of Frank Underwood with those people … hohohohohoho. I think Kevin Spacey is a "genious" sooo talented!!!!. love it..Cheers from New Orleans the city of jazz and the Cajun food.

  9. Jesus. I about fell over when he went for his fly and made that guy SWEAR LOYALTY. I thought it was this year.

  10. I don’t care: I really miss Spacey and the last series of House of Cards.
    Having lived a small Washington DC N.W. life, it certainly hit all the right notes.

  11. Bloomberg- "Doesnt that term only last one year?"
    Underwood- "Yeah but since when has term limits ever stopped you?"


  12. Genuinely no idea what Kevin Spacey ever did wrong. It was lynching without a trial. Pro equality against sexual harassment. I want those. They need to mean something though and that cannot be trial by media.

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