Khadeen Ellis On Open Marriages, Polyamory & Black Love | Black Coffee


-Speaking of your family…
-Yes. …one of the things that
we love about following you is how open you and Devale are about literally every part
of y’all’s lives. -Like when y’all are…
-We try to be. -When y’all cool,
when y’all not cool. -Not cool. When y’all good,
when y’all not good. We figure if we’re gonna
tell y’all the story, -we have to tell y’all
the whole truth. -Yes. You know what I mean? We can’t
start picking and choosing. Exactly. And you guys just
launched a podcast. -We did.
-Tell me about the podcast -before we go into the topic
of the day. -No, absolutely. So it’s Dead Ass
with Khadeen and Devale. -I mean, very New York,
very Brooklyn. -So New York. -Dead Ass. -And we fought
for that name because we knew what it meant
for the culture, trying to hold onto a little bit
of Brooklyn, -you know what I mean.
-Yeah. Um, but we pretty much wanted
to be able to give a voice to millennials
through the lens of a millennial married couple
with children. So we discuss everything.
I mean, between marriage, love, finance, kids,
everything under the sun. We didn’t want it to encompass
just relationship issues -or topics.
-Right. Um, so yeah, we’re about
seven episodes in. Airs every Wednesday, make sure
you subscribe where you listen. And all that good stuff for
the podcast. So, so far, -it’s been great. Thank you.
-I’m so happy for you. You guys are doing so well
and-and what I love about y’all is that y’all are,
like, one of the only millennial representations of,
like, a really dope marriage, that’s, like, young
and thriving, but still has kids
and trying to grow up. -Right. -So, does that become
a lot of pressure, like, that people look at y’all
as kind of this, like, relationship goals
millennial couple? Yeah, we kind of like
to shy away from the whole relationship goals,
because we feel like this works for us, you know? And so many times, people have
asked us for advice. Like, we do have
listener letters, people will write in
and we give our advice. But we never want to put
ourselves on a pedestal -as if this is what people
should aspire to be. -Yeah. However, we do feel like it’s
important for us to show you can be an individual,
you can support each other, you can goal-chase,
you can dream-chase, you can have children,
you can be a mom, you can bounce right back.
Like, there’s so many things that I want to show people–
that my husband and I want to show people–
that we can do. -That it is possible.
-Yeah. So, um, is there a pressure
around it? A little bit. -Yeah. -Um, but we don’t get
too involved in that. We feel like we’re also
content creators. Our YouTube channel–
this really started with us trying to, as content creators
and as actors, -put our real out there.
-Right. What better way to do it than
on social media? It’s free, people have access, and now we’ve accessed
so many people and it’s become kind of like this movement
for us, inadvertently, that we didn’t plan for,
but we accept the challenge. Well, let me ask you a question.
Since you’re, like, -our resident relationship
expert on the show. -Yeah. What happened, y’all are not
in relationships? -You know I ain’t in no damn
relationship. -Yeah, yeah. -My mama told me…
-(laughter) You’re the expert, you got,
you know, like… I mean, yes.
I’m 17 years in, so… -That’s what I’m saying.
-17, yes! So, what–
this open marriage thing. -Mm-hmm. -Some people say
it’s a recipe for disaster. Some people say
it’s the only thing that keeps
their relationship healthy. Some people say– you know,
it might not be for you, but do you see it
as a functional way to have a relationship? I feel– this is my take on it. If it works for you
and your spouse or your partner, so be it.
The biggest issue, I think, with a lot of relationships,
is having the outside noise that drowns what it is you two
have decided on. If this is what you decided on
because it works for both of you -and it makes you happy,
why– do it. -Do it. Do it. So I would never
sit here and judge and say– maybe it doesn’t work
for Devale and I to have an open relationship,
but the farthest thing from our minds is to judge
anybody who does decide on it. -Right. -I’ve heard
that it’s an oxymoron. -Why have a marriage if you’re
gonna be open? -Right. And in what terms is it open? Is it just open sexually?
Is it open, you know, in terms of having a whole
entire other relationship? I know there was a show on,
uh, was it TLC? -Yeah. -Sister Wife?
Seeking Sister Wife. -Yeah, yeah. -You know. -There
was a black couple on there. There was a black couple
on there, so apparently now, black people are starting
to be a little bit more open to the idea of it. Um,
and that’s just my take on it. If it works for you–
and this is exactly why I don’t ask
for relationship advice either, from anybody,
because everyone’s jaded. Everyone’s tainted
in their own right, -because of their own
life experiences. -Mm-hmm. So if it doesn’t work for you,
don’t do it. I got friends it works for. I-I think, I think it can work,
depending on the people. Again, it’s situational.
But I think people are so afraid
of communicating, “Hey, this is what I want,”
that they’ll suffer in silence, as opposed to being happy. So you never know, if you
propose it a certain way, or have certain stipulations,
or put it all on the table. ’Cause if this is your partner,
there should be nothing -that you keep from.
-Absolutely. -Especially if you married.
-Yeah. Put it all on the table.
-My husband and I– -Sorry, not to cut you off.
-No, no, no. -We’ve had super difficult
conversations. -Right. I mean, being together
since 18 years old… Yeah, exactly. What’s one of
the most difficult? Uh, sex.
Sex becomes an issue for us. We think about our sex life
from 18-year-olds who are, like, young kids in college and, -“I’m ready to bust wide open.”
-(laughter) And then you want to
throw in bills and work and children and pregnancy
and postpartum and three of them and…
and careers. Like, it becomes a lot. And that’s something that we
both had to talk about openly. Like, I’m not satisfied
in this area, or I need help in this area. I need you to do XYZ
to get me to the point where I want to bust it
wide open again. You know, like,
little things like that have to be on the table,
you have to be transparent about it.
So you’re right. The suffering in silence part– Because what tends to happen is
someone’s gonna go out there and step out, and then
there’s the deceit and the lies and the cheating. And that’s where openness
can help, too. Because then you can say,
“All right, I don’t believe–” This isn’t me speaking,
this is what this -hypothetical person is saying.
-Hypothetical Marc. -We’ll call him Marc.
-Okay, we’ll call him Marc. -It’s just all hypothetical.
-We’ll call him Marc. Yes, exactly.
Marc from Brooklyn says… No. There are a lot of people
who say, you know, monogamy’s not a natural thing. And relationships are good
and they’re functional and healthy–
You want a life partner. But you just might want to
have sex with somebody else. Or you might want a different
kind of connection. So your marriage becomes
the opportunity to have that bond and that
future, but then I might step out in these other ways. I have friends who do that.
They have– They have rules around
their open marriage, they have rules around
their relationship. Like, you don’t fall in love.
You don’t go– You don’t date someone else
full-time, but you can have other kinds of relationships,
other kinds of bonds. You can’t have sex
at certain times. You don’t bring them home. I mean, there are all kinds of
rules they make that make sense for them. And one couple I know been
doing it for 30 years. Another couple I know only been
doing it for two, and they’re still trying to work
out some details on that. You know what I mean?
I don’t think I could deal with that, personally,
but I understand why it works for some people. I mean… I’m too selfish. Like, I just–
There’s no way -She’s not sharing.
-I’m not sharing. I don’t believe in sharing. -But we don’t own people.
-You don’t own people. -Yeah, Donald… Sterling.
-Sterling. Where are we going with this? (all talking at once) But no, you do not own people,
but you do absolutely own who you are and who they are. Who you are, and what
you want to be to them. Like, hopefully, you guys own
how you feel about each other, and the experience that you’d
like to share with each other. And for me, I would be–
And I’m always very open. Like, if I’m gonna get married,
this is going to be a me and you partnership. We’re gonna be life partners,
we’re gonna be us against the world. But at the end of the day,
it is a hard thing to put on anybody
to stay married. It’s tough. Like,
people are going to mess up, people are going to be human. But at the end of the day,
like, open? Nah. You can’t– No.
That’s not for me. I can’t– I can’t do it.
I would just– No. I think a lot of the issue
arises– Sorry. -No, no, please.
-A lot of the issue arises, too, when you take the choice
away from somebody. And that’s one thing that
my husband and I are very adamant about:
give it to me straight. Straight, no chaser.
It may hurt, but at least I can now make a decision,
I can make a choice. Don’t take my choice
away from me to decide whether I want to
continue in this or not. Some people believe that
relationships are seasonal. You know, they don’t believe
in the long haul, you know? You may be here for a season,
for a time, and then we’ve had our ways
and we’ve gone. That’s for somebody who
may not be monogamous, -or believe in monogamy.
-Right. So they may feel like
there’s a turnover. But when my choice is
taken away from me, then I get upset.

About the author

Comments

  1. What is the point of getting married?? So you just want some new sex?? So y’all swingers?? There is no such thing as a open marriage… it’s called SWINGING!!! 🤷🏽‍♀️……. seems like you’re opening your relationship up to a big mess just for some new sex…. diseases, catching feelkings…. how do you know the other person won’t catch feelings and leave your ass!? What of the other person brings home a disease? What if someone gets pregnant??????? 👀 You can’t guarantee that the outside party won’t get pregnant or catch feelings regardless of the rules you set in place when you start… Feelings can change like the weather…..IJS…..

  2. The devil always has a way of decorating the most ugliest and dirtiest things. Open marriage is opening yourself to disease, soul ties and disaster. Why get married and have a covenant when you going to break it?😒

  3. What’s the point of marriage if not to be monogamous? Furthermore, dude in the cameo pants was trying to get her to agree with some BS. I don’t like that. The vows are a commitment before God to cling to each other. Open marriage devalues everything the idea of marriage stands for. So again, what’s the point in marrying if you both want to “connect” with other people.

  4. What happens if the woman gets pregnant and doesn’t know if the husband or other is the father….no birth control is 100%

  5. Im in my marriage for 20 yrs no im not a milineal. I dont ask for marriage advice cause some give advice and are not in a relationship. Im not into open relationship. Nah the bk in me might not react right.lmao. i am willing to do his fantasy after a lot of thought. I don't worry about what others think

  6. Men know good and well if they WIFE is sleeping with another man and spending time showing attention and giving affection to another man they will not be able to handle it …women are receivers so if we are opening ourselves up you best believe we gone catch feelings, see it sounds good on the surface but at the END OF THE DAY IT'S REALLY NOT THE BEST IDEA….but hey to each his own as for me that's a NO either you in or YOUR OUT

  7. Yes we do not own people but it is our job to have that conversation with our significant other on if we have the same ideology when it comes to marriage and monogamy . I don't share either and my husband has the same attributes as I do he doesn't share and we got this straight before we said our I do's ! as for my ex before my husband he was down with the threesome and even encourage me to find someone either male or female that went against my moral code so we could not continue or workout. And that's another thing do not go against your standards and morals just to make something work with someone else who has lower standards than you you'll regret it 😉💯

  8. Once your spouse brings forth the question of an open marriage, then you should we know the marriage is over. Periodttt. He or she no longer see you as that 'person'. Get out. run fast as h#ll….

  9. I believe people should do what works for them. I think I could have an open RELATIONSHIP but it would really take some strict rules and discussion…..now would I have an open MARRIAGE…HELL TO THE NAWWWWWW…Marriage is a union between 2 individuals ONLY….it is a commitment to 1 individual ONLY….it is where only TWO people become ONE…..no room in any of that for any THOTs (male or female)!

  10. Regarding open marriage. When you soynd generic with your answer and is afraid to say the truth by not hurting yoyr fans feelings then I don't want to be a fan anymore.

  11. I love the Ellises! Been watching them for years. So happy for all their success. They are such a beautiful couple that is genuinely happy in their marriage. One of the reasons that I think their relationship works so well is because they actually enjoy each other's company and get to spend alot of time together, although they have children. They are BLESSED to have a great "village." Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone that they trust to keep their children while they travel the world together. Not having that level of support while raising children REALLY strains a marriage smh. OAN in my opinion marriage is about maturity. If you want to be with other people/ have an open marriage then you lack the level of maturity and discipline that it takes to be in a monogamous relationship. Period.

  12. Millenials are just LAZY. They are not willing to have discipline and commitment. The 2 thingsit takes tonhave a successful marriage. Open marriage is NOT a God ordained marriage. Thats just 2 fools who married themselves.

  13. I don’t understand the point of saying vows that say forsaking all others if you still gon screw all others??? I’m hella confused. Somebody gotta make it make sense…..

  14. I'm just here to say that monogamy is a fairly new concept in human history. We were primarily polyamourous back in the day. I get if polyamory isn't for you but you don't need to shame someone else who chooses a different form of partnership.

  15. I’m confused. Did he ask because devale and khadeen are in an open marriage?? Or was he just asking her advice for people who are in an open marriage??

  16. If you gonna have an open marriage, it's NO LONGER a marriage. Call it something else. Call it whatever you wanna call it, but it's NOT MARRIAGE.

  17. "OPEN MARRIAGE" GTHOH WITH THT FOOLISHNESS…4 REAL BLACK PEOPLE??!! CERTAINLY WE'RE MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN THAT!!! READ YOUR BIBLE…OPEN RELATIONSHIP IS SATANIC PURE & SIMPLE

  18. She never said their marriage is open. She said if that works for you, then do it. Then she said that’s not something that works for her and her husband.

  19. My fiancé and I Have become top finalist in a wedding competition And we are in 4th place currently I know that if we can get at least 25 votes a day or per person that we can make this another blessing. Please support by clicking the link in our bio and voting multiple times a day if your time permits! We definitely are returning voting favors. Thank you so much 💕

    https://westinhoustonmedicalcenter.com/2019/09/30/montrenique-and-ronald/

  20. Judges 21:25 mentions that when there is no leader in place, people do what's right in their own sight!… In the beginning this was not so… Eve came from the rib of Adam. That was God's perfected state until the fall of man (mankind). People take the scriptures isolated of each other to fit their own motives. You have to be baptized & continuously filled with God's Holy Spirit to rightly divide His truth & be able to know, understand, & discern the things that are not included in the Holy Bible.

  21. I so agree that you CANNOT ask people's opinions, cause pretty much everyone is jaded. Once you get married you have to keep people out of the relationship. Unless they are older, and still married and God fearing. Ur friends AINT that, your family AINT that!!

  22. Nope nope nope…if I choose to be with you then I’m with you. And it’s a covenant before God and it’s a sacred gift. That’s how the devil have his way to destroy

  23. Ok, so the platform is open for the devil but, its the same devil who fooled us blacks from knowing our culture by indoctrinating their culture on us. The same bible we use to preach and cast brimstone on folks is the same bible in the old Testament (Tanuk) that black folks, especially Israel, had more than one wife. They weren't for sexual pleasure but, more to be a helping mate. But we so gullible to take what whitewash 💩 massa has given us and not further research from which we have known, thinking is civilized, is actually way farther from the truth!

  24. I don't look at a relationship thats open and say thats goals.I don't want too share,this is the new excuse to do you

  25. I have never in my life thought that the very gift that God gave us would be so open let me say this you will be judge for that open married stuff

  26. When people don’t educate themselves on certain things then there is a lack of understanding and a disconnect and I’m not speaking about the Elises. This is in general. People think Polygamy and Polyamory is just some disease infested people who just want sex. It’s much deeper than sex. Within ANY companionship, sex is a plus. Polygamy and Polyamory are more so geared towards people who require other connections besides the one that their spouse may be able to provide. This isn’t a bad thing. Think about the reason why most people cheat. They aren’t satisfied or the person they are with lacks something they desire. I’ll stop here and allow you all to research the rest. If it’s not for you then it’s not for you. Way before some of us were thought of, Polygamy and Polyamory were much more popular.

  27. Putting restrictions and rules on an open marriage is dumb to me. Why? because how are you going to put all those rules and restrictions on the things that will come with opening your marriage. If you dont want yourself or your spouse to be involved in that then keep the marriage closed. Isnt that the spiritual and emotional purpose of getting married? Yall said we done with all that, were not in the dating stage anymore to get involved in stuff like that because I want to be with you through it all no one else. Things you cant control like "falling inlove" and "having a bond with someone" like how can you regulate that. Thats making the marriage even harder than just having a regular marriage. A "regular" marriage which is already a challenge and requires hard work to keep it together but now you gotta make sure all the rules and regulations are not broken in an open marriage just because you wanna have sex with someone else. Thats a NO FA ME DAWG! 😂

  28. I don't believe she believes that, nowadays no one once to take a stand and say, 'No, that is wrong'. LGBTQABCDEF has put the fear of God in people. Plus we live in a 'cancel culture'. If she would've taken an opposing view point this whole comment section would be full of 'Who is she to judge?' and "Let's boycott The Ellis's". Stop me if I'm lying.

  29. A marriage is a union, mutual contract between two adults. Upon being married both parties repeat the vows to each other…..the WORDS upon recitation should "seal".

  30. The host seems to be pushing for open marriages. I hope he stays single, because marriage is not open. And there are LOTS of successful married couples, me included.

  31. To be honest, I have never considered it because I just think relationships are hard enough without adding unnecessary elements into your dynamic.

    However, an open relationship for a couple with no children I think much more possible.

    I think if I never wanted children and it was always going to be just the two of us, an open marriage (with seriously outlined guidelines and full transparency) is possible (if both people are willing to be honest with themselves and each other about what they can live with).

    That being said, I think it is not possible for most people because as much as some men or women might think it is “a mutually beneficial means to sleep with someone else” that’s cute when you wanna sleep with someone else, but far less cute when your partner is sleeping with someone else (and you know exactly who and when). I think most men and women, can’t handle that.

  32. Seems to me that the more people involved in a marriage or even an unmarried relationship…theres that possibility that SOMEBODY, at SOME point may realize that they want more time or exclusivity. Im not even going to play with MY heart like that. Nope.

  33. I told my now fiance I wanted a wife when we first started dating. Surprisingly, he wanted 2 wives. I said what I wanted and got it. Our level of openness and honesty is beautiful and since we started dating our girlfriend we're even closer. Just say what you want. Somebody will be with it.

  34. PEOPLE NEED TO DO WHAT THHHHHHEEEEYYYYY WANT TO DO…

    why not have fully honest conversations other then having the cheating the lies

    Divorce rates are more than 50%

    "Give it to me straight!!!"

  35. Her and khadeem got the same hairstyle…I really enjoy listening to khadeem she is very well spoken and get straight to the point no chaser..very articulate with her words..

  36. Wow! The world has truly changed ..when is it ever okay to step out on your spouse because your bored and want to be with someone else?

  37. Men are so rich chile. How TF y'all gonna ask your wife to be with another woman😂😂😂😂😂😂? Y'all are silly😚.

  38. OK MY PERSPECTIVE 😊 IM VERY OPEN MINDED MY MAN IS KIND OF TOO BUT I WOULD BE OPEN TO BEING WITH ONE OTHER PERSON AND HAVING FUN 😉 TO A DEGREE WITH ALOT OF COMMUNICATION WITH MY MAN BUT THERE ARE BOUNDARIES WHILE WE ARE JUST DATING BUT NOT FOR THE WHOLE TIME ID PROBABLY STOP BEFORE WE GOT INTO MARRIAGE 😉 TO EACH HIS OWN ❤️

  39. Generally men want open, some men don’t……. how is monogamy not natural but having several people is a headache. Life, career, business and several partners. I think the generation has cut down on communication… the accountability is not there. If you had to talk to all these partners versus a one word text how open would you be to all these partners.

  40. I never understand how people can be so quick and judgmental of someone choosing a lifestyle of getting in a open marriage, polygamous/polyamorous lifestyle, but will accept gay or LGBTQ lifestyles with no problem. Walking hypocrites

  41. It could work, it's just not a open marrage it's a open relationship because marriage should be between 2 people as partners in a personal relationship. So…

  42. I'm not taking be advise from noone bout me n mines bcuz ppl tend to act like they shit b perfect n Neva sent thru shit

  43. 🤯 How in the hell does sleeping around while married works for you and the relationship 🤔 open relationships is and will always be a no for me 🥴

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *