Life After Losing My Son Suicide | The One Year Anniversary

hello and this is Rachel with life after
losing my son to suicide I know that I told you guys I was gonna try to put out
some videos I’m real soon about the new tattoo that I got and then also about
the foundation that we’re starting but may be honest because it’s what I try to
do my vlogs and be as real and raw as possible and tell you that I am NOT okay
don’t worry I’m not suicidal I’m just I’m not okay I’m not okay and it’s okay
to not be okay right we just have to talk about it so I’m going to talk about
it today is the 25th and in three days it is the one end of the one year
anniversary since Isiah passed and I haven’t been doing really well I haven’t
been doing okay I’ve been crying a lot tried really hard to actually be eating
healthy even trying to be a good role model for the girls and it is just been
exhausting trying to eat I am just trembling with anxiety having PTSD
flashbacks multiple times a day I’m praying and wishing and trying to talk
to Isaiah and been begging and asking for signs went to the beach the other day and on
the way there I shall stay say to send us a message and I don’t know if it was a message
from him or if I’m just desperately searching for something for him but his
aunt laid on the beach and I put it on Facebook and I just put stick figure in
the sky or stick man in the sky but I can’t help but think that I see it drew
me a little stick man in the sky and desperately are holding on I miss
searching for anything that I possibly can to keep his memory alive to make me
feel like he’s still here this last year has been like a fog the guilt and
anxiety of every single thing that we think viola do now for future or past is
just overwhelming and so exhausting trying to be the best version of us that
we can be for our girls for ourselves I’d like to say thank you for the recent
support I’ve got on YouTube but appreciate it so much
but we’re still left in this place of emptiness the realization of how many people have
now viewed my video videos never really thought anybody would listen to me you
know thank you guys for Keri thank you guys for being her light and say nice
things to me it’s been hard with this anniversary coming up I just didn’t plan
anything and some people say you do and some people say you don’t it’s just the
skills everybody didn’t do anything sorry I just
part of me wants to just be able to move forward that’s too beautiful I just you
feel stuck this feel very stuck every morning I just wake up was just terrible
gut wrenching anxiety impending do today is just like something’s gotta get
better for us I keep finding myself at these PTSD moments these moments where I
don’t even realize I’m not there anymore that I’m physically the hair my mind has
gone somewhere else so we’re bad people say that I can’t you know take a break
from these videos or move on I can’t I keep saying you guys are cute I can’t
think about anything else and do what else said it might to sit in my house
and hide go to working and what stand there why people do this this is what I wanted to do with my life
now I want to try to help people I feel like this might help it people I just
don’t know what to do I don’t know what to move forward I don’t know how to
represent Isaiah the light that he deserves to be represented in this has been the hardest week and I
don’t know how long I miss you say so very much I don’t wish this pain upon anybody I don’t so I’m gonna just keep on doing
everything I’m doing to try to let everybody know that this pain hurts
doesn’t go away this is what you leave behind you leave your depression by everybody has worth I truly believe that
we don’t always show it we’re not always the kind and pathetic human beings that
we should be myself included I’ve been toxic we all can be
oh yeah learn from and move forward just tired you know I’m tired of not doing
anything I’m tired of complaining about it I’m tired of watching the news and
feeling helpless so if there’s some of you out there that are willing to listen
to me we think that I have something valuable to say I appreciate that I’m
doing my best so in three days it’s gonna be one year what here since what is the most special
amazing beautiful look what are my most favorite people one of the best parts of
me look big God were one hole here please keep fighting the fight you guys
you deserve to be here we deserve to be here sorry in closing please be the light for
others and if you can’t right now please just keep that pilot light going for
yourself you really do matter and you really do have worth peace love and
kindness you

About the author


  1. Dear Rachel, just wanted to say that you are in my prayers, today 28 I am lighting a candle for Isaiah and for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I know it's hard, I know it's unreal and unbearable but for experience it will get better. ..please take care of yourself! ! Huggggggggggggggggg and love

  2. I am thinking of you and your family on Isaiah’s anniversary. You carry him in your heart so well. Condolences, love and light ❤️

  3. Thinking of your son and your family today… sending love from Montreal… be strong…. ❤️❤️

  4. I subscribed to your channel a few weeks ago. I am at work and when I looked at the date on my work report, I recalled today July 28th is Isiah’s one year anniversary. 💔
    You inspired me to raise awareness on my channel and I am going to do a dance on my channel to help raise money for The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. I will be mentioning Isiah in my dance video. I will post on your channel when I do the dance video.
    My brother was killed by a train when I was young and my Mother had a temporary nervous breakdown. Your pain, anxiety and PTSD is the “norm” when enduring this most tragic pain!!! A few year’s ago, I asked my parents how did their life calm down in loosing their child tragically? My Mother’s and Father’s response was you never forget, but the pain lessens in time.
    From a Mother and as a Nurse, I am sending you my strength and my Well Wishes that your pain will one day lessen and to keep on educating other’s to NOT give up!!!
    Sending you my love, peace and kindness. 💚

  5. rachel i haven’t stopped thinking of you or isaiah since i found your vlogs a few days ago. like so many others, i’ve been so moved by your courage… i’ve never been more grateful that god delivered me from my darkest days than i am now, with this glimpse into what it could’ve been like for my mother too. thank you for this clarity, you ARE saving lives. i wish i could hug you. but in absence of that i’ll keep up with your progress online and think of isaiah often. love to you

  6. Today I lit my candle for your beautiful son Isaiah, Rachel and Steve.
    It has been burning so brightly all day long. It's now 10 20pm here in Scotland now.

    Isaiah heavenly hugs to you sweetheart. With so much love. 💗⚘🕊

    Rachel, Steve and girls, you have been in my thoughts today, like every other day. 💗
    With so much love across the miles. X 💗⚘🕊

  7. I wish I could do something tangible to help. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. I thought a lot about you and your family and Isaiah especially today on the anniversary of his suicide. I hope that you were able to find some peace today.

  9. It was at least five years until my son was not the only thing i thought of . Eleven years later and i still sit at night and the thoughts of him take over and i cry . Laugh when you can , cry when you need to , but along the way tell everyone that will listen about him . Bless you , and i do understand .

  10. Hi Rachel. Isaiah, you and your beautiful family are on my heart today. Know that you are all loved by many people.

  11. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and your family today 07/28/19. Sending you all love and light Jody

  12. First of all you must understand that there are many different stages of grief. There is no set way of which you must move through them. Everyone is unique. If it helps, you don't need to try and feel a certain way at any certain time. I hope this link will help So sorry for your loss……

  13. You are so amazing girl, just let it all out. We are ALL here for you and love you deeply.💜 You are saving so many lives, and through Isaiah. I love you

  14. I’m thinking about you& your family today keeping you in my prayers especially today being a year since your son passed away. ❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

  15. The truth is your heart will never be the same. Someday you will feel better, and the fog will fade away. But your love for your son will always be close to you, your love will always be close to what matters the most. Another truth is that your when we go, which we all will do someday, we go from this place but not from existence. When you brought him into this world, you gave him the most precious gift. His being became the person you have loved from the moment you knew he was with you. He will always be a gift to you. Now he is in that place, but he is. And that will never change.

  16. Rachel I can’t begin to fathom what you’re going through but thank you for sharing your pain and emotions I will be praying for you and keeping Isaiah’s memory alive even though I never knew him hearing you talk about him he was a beautiful soul. Just know that a lot of people love you and care about you your videos helped me so much to face my depression and get help so thank you and I hope you find some solace in all who you are helping ❤️

  17. I am so deeply sorry I am sorry you are going through this!! Today July 28th I stop by to tell you I am thinking of you and your family! Keep doing what you are doing reaching out to all of us..

  18. Hi Rachel, I thought of you, your family and Isaiah. Today must be so hard for you all. I hope everyone’s thoughts and prayers for you and your family some how shield you from this massive loss. I wish I could do more. Thank you. 💜

  19. Just seen you in my recommendation, and i truly believe it’s a sign from god , you are helping so many.. my prayers go out to you ♥️

  20. I am sending you love !!! I was thinking about you and Isaiah yesterday. You help me a lot!! With my depression…thank you and love you ❤️

  21. We're here. We're listening. You are making a difference and we appreciate you so much. <3 Sending you lots of love and light. Think of your family every day.

  22. I'm crying 😭 oh my God this is too much for anyone to take, I'm SO so so sorry oh please God send her a sign from her baby

  23. Isaiah 💙 Stay close to your momma, she needs your strength, she needs to know your spirit is alive and with her still. She needs proof only your body is gone but you, your essence, all YOU are is still with her and your dad and your sister's.
    Just wanted you to know I lit a candle for you all on the anniversary and sent love.

  24. Oh you sweet, sweet mama. My heart aches so much for you. Isaiah is looking down on you and feels all of your love. This was not your fault, sweetie. Being a teenager is tough, you can't see past the week you're in, and the hormones and emotions get to be too much sometimes. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you. So much love to you, Rachel. I am so so sorry for your loss of sweet Isaiah.

  25. The anniversary is bringing all of it back. Stay strong but don’t fight the pain. For what it’s worth, I believe he gave you that sign at the beach. Accept it as a gift, lovely mother. 💕💕💕

    He was a mirror of you and that makes you feel… feel lost, abbandoned, alone… Take care of yourself & your family and think about the good & positive things about your beloved son because by those shares you've done about him, I'm sure he'd be so angry to see you as you are now, because all he would want is that you to be happy with the fam & friends that are still in flesh and you still have. Fight for those who are still on your side and you don't need to do that without thinking of your son, but just move along extracting and expressing all the best he was and had to offer to others.
    I thought of him so much yesterday.. went to sleep thinking of everything I saw and heard coming from you. I watched all your videos at one day and by coincidence it was at his birth day. I can tell you are not alone and it's OKAY to count on people because.. people care! You just need to be close to the ones who actually do 🙂
    Stay safe <3

  27. Hi Rachel, I found your videos by accident about a week ago. I have been trying to catch up with them all since I first found you. I have been following you. I just want to say that I think you are a godsend to so many people. I am so sorry for your loss. Isaiah sounds like he was a wonderful person. Should be very proud of him. I know he would be proud of you for doing what you are doing. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my sweet son in October 2016. Ever since I have been doing a great deal of research and reading and watching dozens of videos a lot of book reading and I have yet to find someone who is getting to the root of the problem such as yourself. I was involved in a therapy group for suicide loss and everyone seemed to be more focused on what we are going through and how our journey is going without so much as the mention of the loved ones that we are here because Of. Until we start to address the real problems in our society today I fear this will continue to happen. I’m so glad to see that you arse pacifically addressing the topic no one seems to ever want to talk about suicide depression and anxiety all those mental conditions that so many seem to suffer from. I know that my son suffered with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately because of the circumstances he was in at the time he saw it as his only way out. Hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness I think with the key factors and what happened to my son. You’re absolutely right we need to be in light for each other and the light for ourselves and we need to give hope and worth to one another. What you are doing on your Vlogs is exactly what I wanted to do myself but didn’t know how. So much of what you have experienced and mentioned in your blogs resonates with me. I still live from day today. I do not think about tomorrow I do not think about next week or next year. I just live in the moment. And as you well know our emotions fluctuate from moment to moment. Keep doing what you are doing. I to believe that you are helping far more people than you might know. I know that you are helping me through my journey. May God bless you and give you comfort and peace.

  28. Rachel, I just wanted to ask how you are today because I know yesterday was a very difficult day for you. When you’re ready you let us know that you’re okay, not okay, somewhere in the middle, whatever you’re feeling.

  29. I know yesterday was the one year anniversary. I pray that it was a day of positive memories and not too hard for your family! Sending so much love to you Rachel, I adore you and your family! 💘

  30. I must also let you know I had a very dark night this passed week and went for a drive hoping my car would just crash, but then I thought of you. Reminded me how my family would feel and drove home. Thank you.

  31. hey rachel, stay strong , we love you, you are a blessing to our community, thank you <3. this is a link for world wide suicide hot lines if you want to add it to the description of your videos or include it in the videos >

  32. Hey Rachel. I sometimes think, who is there for you? I wanted to let you know Chester from Linkin Park, his wife has a great help system on her Instagram page. It's talinda320. You need support too mama. Hey girl we all want to know if you are ok so if possible, I've seen other youtubers just publish a message (without a video). I feel in my heart you are ok.

  33. I wish I could take your pain away. Those of us who have, during severe depression considered suicide, your videos help us to look outward again, to never want to cause this pain to our loved ones. I pray, knowing you are saving others will help you to keep your " pilot light" on. God bless you.♥

  34. I love that you get tattoos in memory of your beautiful son! I do the same I just got a rubber ducky on my hand funny story behind it! That's my 4th one in my son's memory! Tomorrow is 4 years & the 1st year I'll be alone on the anniversary!

  35. I’m at suicide risk, i’m 17 years old, and i don’t know what else to do, my family don’t know what else to do with all this 😔, help

  36. It's been six years since my mom took her own life and I still break down from time to time but it does get better!! Thinking of you 😘 you are not alone

  37. Awwwe Rachel, my heart breaks for you and your family. Have you gone to therapy? You need to get yourself help, please! There is medication to help get through this, while you get stronger! You need to for yourself and your family. Your girls are young , they need, deserve a strong mom. Isiah wouldn’t want this for you , your family. You matter! 🙏🏼🐞🌈

  38. Rachel, have you thought that Youtube recommending your video to the world is a sign from Isaiah that he's proud you're being open and talking about him and how proud he is that you're trying your hardest to cope?

  39. I hope u find peace, I really do..I have suicidal thoughts and acute guilt…I think I m changing with ur experience.. U have a bigger purpose mam…u r like my mom very sensitive, I hope Isaiah is loved and praised in heaven

  40. You are doing so many great thing right now! Your story has made such an immense impact on so many people feeling just like your son did and that is so admirable of you. Isaiah is so proud of you and you’ve only confirmed what a great mother he knows he had. He is living through you❤️

  41. Feel no pressure to return to working life until you regain the confidence to provide to your loved ones and yourself again and being able to handle internal turmoil. Your videos are helping you make light of your own situation and bring clarity little by little, even though the void feels so large, you are helping the time pass ever so much peacefully and giving your viewers a positive impression of handling loss. Isaiah's memory makes spending time with those around us that much more valuable

  42. my uncle killed himself a year ago on the 28th as well, not fun to go through. prayers that the anniversary wasnt to horrible though im sure it was

  43. I came here to listen from Max Derrat's channel. Wow, just wow. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Life doesn't make sense. I'm sorry.

  44. I need you to know that the guilt you’ve been feeling is straight from the devil and is a complete lie. You are so loved by Jesus who died to save you. He is close to the broken hearted and wants to help you❤️

  45. Rachel!! 💖 Please keep Sharing your story and struggle! People need to hear you and know that they are not the only ones in pain and Are Not Okay. We Are not Always okay! 💜

  46. I cannot even imagine the intensity of pain you Carry in the vast Void within your heart. So Sad for you and your loss. Please do yourself a favor; Reach our to Kevin Hines! He is on a Crusade from his mere survival of Suicide that he has endured. You Are Here on You Tube Sharing what you have experienced to help prevent others from the same pain that you are in! Girl, I will listen to you EVERY SINGLE DAY! Keep Sharing and Showing Up. This Dark World needs to hear you! Please keep fighting for yourself, your family and for others! You matter too! 💜

  47. Wow. You And your Children Are So Lovely And I Admire your strength and Courage!
    Here in Louisiana where I live, We Are Working on A ZERO SUICIDE INITIATIVE, As just as you said Everyone has worth and value, yet cannot always Believe it and have Faith that things will get better. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next month, next year. Yet I do know that everything CHANGES. It is just not always good. We must face the bad, horrendous, traumatic and hurt in this life as well. I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling, going through, how you keep showing up and Sharing the next painful moment on your journey. What I do know Rachel Moorefield, is that we are not meant to do this alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💜Keep Shining Bright Like A Star ⭐️ in the Night! We need your Love and your Light! With Love, Leslie B.

  48. Hello sweets. I hope you are getting by ok today. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are touching so many lives and I know you will continue to touch more lives. Please don’t ever feel like you are not doing enough, I know it’s a struggle to get in front of the camera and feel your pain. This is still very recent and above anything you deserve time to heal. But just know that yes your videos are helping more people than you know. Thank you for everything. We love you mama. 🙏🏽❤️

  49. Thank you for this. It's the wake up call I needed to get help. Thank you so so much for speaking about it so sicerely. Please stay strong, you helped me and so much other people. You are truly a great mother.


  51. Hi there i message you before like i saud before im always praying for you and your family i see yall as family if you ever need anything. Im here for you and your family

  52. With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say:
    “Look! The tent of God is with mankind,
    and he will reside with them,
    and they will be his people.
    And God himself will be with them.
    And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, 
    and death will be no more,
    neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.
    The former things have passed away.
    ( Revelation 21:3, 4)

  53. It's OK to feel…..if you want to talk,…talk,….by talking you slowly heal,….many of us need to hear you, you help us🌺💛🌺 Thanks for your courage.

  54. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong, hun and know that you're not alone. Sending you love and hugs.

  55. Praying for you!💕 this helped me a lot when I was lost…. and other videos like this one

  56. Love his name, such a beautiful name, Isaiah♥️ my heart breaks for you😞 praying for you🙏🏻🙏🏻♥️♥️

  57. Found one of your videos a few days ago and i would like to introduce you to a practitioner she also has a channel here on y.t
    Are you open to spirituality? (non religious)

  58. I know how deep your pain runs. Thing is you have reached many of us that were on the brink. Please know you saved me and I'm sure many others

  59. Keep doing this videos, this is therapy for you. this is you working with your sorrow and its healthy for you. Its even healthy for us who are struggling with mental illness and suicidal thoughts to listen what you have to say, how people we leave behind feel. Im about to loose my fight with my demons but thats another story.

  60. Oh dear Rachel, loads of love to you, your words are valuable….
    I'm 7 weeks into this new found greif…. I'm hurting alongside of you. Your videos have made it possible for me to keep going & Keep things a little normal for my other boy. Hug's from Aussie.
    Please know your piolt light is so special tooo……xx

  61. I understand you’re in serious pain baby girl but you’ve gotta help you before you can help anyone else. You’ve got to take care of yourself!! And you absolutely have something valuable to say!!

  62. I'm listening and I'm in Israel. We're listening from all over the world. Thank you for being a light for yourself and for your son. I'm committed to your message of peace, love and kindness.

  63. my mom had eight children. one of my eldest sisters before I was born ' she was a baby ' was shocked by a radio the day after her first birthday & passed. my mother's brother ran his car into a lake at age 17 & passed. she not long after lost her mom & sister. took care of her dad bedridden for years until he passed. then cared for my father until he passed. she raised us single parent with seven kids putting herself thru nursing school & retired labor & delivery nurse of over 25 years. what I'm getting at is she lived thru the heartache & pain, but never til this day lost her beautiful smile! she marched on getting stronger & loving life & the loved ones in it. life isn't easy & we all are going to have our final day, but today is not that day, so smile, soak in the love & enjoy every moment. your kids more than anyone would love to see that smile 🙂

  64. I wanna give you a huge hug 🤗 I can’t even imagine your pain. I don’t have any words to make it go away. I lost my cousin 5 weeks ago to suicide. I have never lost a loved one to suicide it’s such a horrible feeling. Definitely no words 😶 I can’t even imagine losing a child to suicide I’m sorry so sorry this hurts so damn much

  65. i won't even lie, i was fully committed on leaving this world until i saw these videos. now i'm unsure. thank you for posting these and showing what it's really like, it takes a strong mom to do something like this 💛

  66. Reading the comments, it seems you've help more than a few people !!!! This year, help the people who are the closest to you; your husband and your beautiful girls❤️

  67. All your subscribers should submit a clip of them saying Isaiah name and you can make it a special memorial video. Mark the thousands of people who will carry his memory on

  68. Hi Rachel, I really wish there was a chance to take away your pain, I really wish we were live the same country and I can support you on this journey. I so feel you, I miss my son so very much, he had one year 12th of August. 25th of october this year he would have turned 19 years old. He friends and family come over and we talk about Miikael. But I know this pain what this missing cost what other people don't understand who haven´t feel it. I feel like some people think that grief is self-pity, some people think that I should move on, some people say you have other son as well, you have to think of him. I am so tired of explaining that I do, I think of my youngest son all the time as well, otherwise I would never get out of bed and go to work, and have fun with him, I can't move love for my oldest son love to youngest son love, it´s not movable, you know. I am so tired to explain what is grief. And even when people try to understand, then still I feel guilty, that when I feel sad then I feel that I ruin their joy or they afraid to feel happy when I'm in the company. Honestly I do feel like I am not included, I know people like people who are fun and smile and make fun. But I am not that person any more, I am never going to be the same person ever, because I am now, something died with me when my son died to suicide. I miss my complete family. I do wait when I will be old and can go to Heaven, I can not go now, my younger son need me and husband and mom and dad. Meanwhile I try to save others I talk about depression, how to see suicide signs, we started with two other moms support group, in Estonia we don't have it. Even with these moms we have different story’s and I feel still I am alone, we are alone in this world if we don’t know Jesus. At least I know God is with me and I understand more than I understand myself, he guides me through the painful life I have now and maybe one day I can feel joy and happiness again. I really hope you can find this in our God, Jesus and Holy Spirit who comforts. I really want to comfort you. I really feel you, I know you lose, because lose my Miikael the same way.
    God blesses those people who grieve. They will find comfort! (Matthew 5:4)

    I may walk through valleys as dark as death,but I won’t be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd’s rod makes me feel safe. (Psalm 23:4)

    You are now very sad. But later I will see you, and you will be so happy that no one will be able to change the way you feel. (John 16:22)

    The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. (Psalm 34:18)

    He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared. (Revelation 21:4)

    May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

    God, in Jesus Christus name, please help people who grief, who are in depression, suffer in anxiety and prevent people from suicide. Amen

    People, you are not alone, your friends, family really cares and please get help when you have suicide thoughts. Please you can help and save your self.

  69. I know exactly how u feel I lost my son 2010 right before the holidays, it's still very hard on me especially the holidays. I haven't been the same since he passed but every day does get easier. Thank you for sharing and God bless.

  70. Here is an idea what you can do, you can write your story for the book series "Chicken soup for the soul" You will help a lot of people this way! This book series covers many hard life subjects like Grieving a loved one, and you can write and send them your story. Here is the actual book on Grieving:

  71. Making something positive out of our greatest pains and greatest joys is to find our life's purpose. And this is what you are doing. 👍

  72. Accepting the pain allows to enjoy his great memories. The pain will remain and diminish while the joyful memories shall grow and live within you.

  73. I am struggling so badly with suicidal thoughts right now… and I just wonder… if Isaiah and I could keep each other company in heaven, if we could be friends

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