Making Fun Of My Crowd In Singapore – Nigel Ng – Standup Comedy


– Give a lovely Singapore welcome to the very very funny Nigel Ng! (crowd cheers) (crowd applauds) – Hey! Hey! Hello! (crowd cheers) Yes, give it up for my
videographer guy Nick right here, give it up for him! (crowd woos) Yes right, hen party right here. Who’s the one getting married again? – [Bride] Me. – Nice, congratulations. Nice, how’d you meet the guy? – [Bride] At work. – [Nigel] At work? Okay. You still work in the same place? – No. – No. That’s right. What, you got caught like fucking in the break room or something? Is that what happened? (laughs) What’s your name first
of all? What’s your name? – Sharon. – Sharon? Nice to meet you Sharon and what do you do? – [Sharon] Marketing. – Marketing? – Yeah. – [Nigel] Okay, what do you market? – Anything. – Anything? Wow, such low standards Sharon. (laughter) – [Nigel] I wanna meet this guy now. (laughter) – Do you guys approve of Sharon’s boy? – Yes!
– Of course. – [Nigel] Yeah? Or you just saying that ’cause you know, you gonna make it awkward.
– No! – When are you getting married? – [Sharon] Two weeks. – Two weeks? Wow! Congratulations! (crowd cheers) – Wow great, yeah. You should clap. Sharon, congratulations man. You getting married in Singapore? – Yes – Nice, that must be expensive. I’ve seen how much your cars are here. Like fucking hell, Jesus, I’ll stay in Malaysia, all right? (laughter) – What’s your fiance’s name Sharon? – [Sharon] Joshua. – Joshua? What’s Joshua doing tonight? – [Sharon] He’s asleep. – He’s asleep? (laughter) Early bed time huh? How old is Joshua, like 60? (laughter) Is this one of those like, old white guy, young Asian girl scenarios? (laughter) Sorry, how old is he? – [Sharon] 28. – 28? Now that’s my age and he’s asleep? Okay. (laughter) – [Audience member] Healthy lifestyle. – Healthy lifestyle? That’s a depressing lifestyle. (laughter) Saturday night for a 28 year old? I think he’s lying to you Sharon. (laughter) I think he’s out somewhere. (laughs) Right like, I think I need like, anyone here from outside Asia? Give me a cheer? – [Man in audience] Yeah! – Yeah, where are you guys from? – [Man] UK. – UK? Nice, welcome. Have you traveled across Asia? – [Man] A bit. – Bit? Where’d you go? – [Man] Bangkok. – Bangkok? Classic.
(laughter) So UK guy’s been to
Bangkok, what’s your name? – [Man] Mark. – Mark! Bangkok, you liked it? – [Mark] Ehhh… (mic blow) (laughter) – What happened? You got shot by a ping
pong ball in your face? (laughter) Did you get food
poisoning in Bangkok Mark? – [Mark] No no, food was great. It’s the humidity and the heat. – Ugh, humidity. That’s a white ass word. You ever hear a Singaporean
complain about humidity? “Oh, I cannot stand the heat. You know it’s not the heat it’s the humidity, actually, okay?” (laughter) Ah, yeah humidity. Nobody uses that word. (laughter) Do you know what your humidity
percentage is in Singapore? Exactly. See? (laughter) Mark knows. (laughter) “95 percent, mate, okay?” (laughter) Went to my friend’s wedding in Malaysia. Holy shit, like, Asians, we don’t – when we take photos at a wedding that is a military operation. (laughter) We don’t capture the moment, right? We create the moment. (laughter) “Everybody stand on my good side, sir, you’re gonna stand there,
you’re gonna cut the cake – Don’t touch the cake! But cut the cake, pretend you’re cutting the cake, You’re gonna do that
too in two weeks, right? (cheers) – Right Sharon? Stop – we’ve cheered three
times already, enough! (laughter) Let’s not bring all the joy to her, I’m the star here, okay? (laughs) (audience claps) Thank you, I deserve that, yes. (laughs) All right, let’s talk to someone else. Front row, hello! Yes. We’ll leave Sharon alone I think I’ve made fun of her enough. She’s scarred for life now. What’s your name, dude?
– [Man] Ming – Sorry?
– Ming – [Nigel] Ming, nice to meet you Ming. Is this your girlfriend, wife? – (stutters) – [Nigel] Date?
– Date. – Fuck buddy? (laughter) Dating? Okay. How’d you guys meet? – [Ming] We met through friends. – Just friends? Through friends. Can she speak for herself Ming, or..? (laughter) Is Singapore that
oppressive still? (laughs) Through friends? Nice. That’s code word for Tinder, right? (laughter) And what’s your name? – [Ming’s Date] Amy – Amy? Ming and Amy,
nice to meet you guys. How long have you guys been going out? – [Ming] Two months
– [Amy] Two months – Two months? Is that correct Amy? (laughter) Notice how Ming was looking at her for confirmation every time? “Uh, two months? Yeah,
two months, two months!” (laughter) What do you like about Amy? – She’s a really honest person. – Really honest person. Is she? (laughter) Are you honest, Amy? (laughter) So what do you think of Ming? – Um, he’s very kind. – He’s very kind. Awwww, look at this. Well, I hope you’re honest. (laughter) All right, cool. Second row,
you’ve had your arms folded the whole entire show. Holy shit, why did you even come? (laughs) What’s your name man? – [Audience Member] Me?
– Yeah. – [Audience Member] I’m Mark.
– Mark? Mark! Hey! You guys know each other, huh? Where are you from, Mark?
– [Mark] Singapore – Singapore? What area of Singapore? – [Mark] Serangoon. – Serangoon? Is that a nice place? (feeble cheers) Yeah? Oh, you’re posh, Mark! (laughter) – [Nigel] In a relationship Mark? – [Mark] Nah – No, okay. You looking? – [Mark] Uh, yeah (audience laughs) – He has money, he lives in
Serangoon or wherever the fuck. (laughter) How many C’s you got? Car? – [Mark] No. – Awwww. Boo! Okay, let’s give him one more chance. Condo? – [Mark] No (laughter) – What’s another C? (indistinct answers) Credit card?
– [Mark] Yeah – Guys, anybody can apply
for a credit card, right? That doesn’t count. What’s another C?
– [Audience Member] Cash. – Cash?
– [Mark] Yeah – Hey, all right. – Last one? – [Audience Member] Condo. – I asked condo he said no. Career? – [Mark] Yeah – Okay, three – what’s the career? What’s the career? Like, a hawker stall uncle, that’s not a – unless you have a Michelin Star, okay? What’s the career here? – [Mark] Uh, working for the government. – Whoa!
(audience clamors) – That’s why your arms are
fucking folded! All right. I’m gonna report this motherfucker. (laughter) – [Audience Member] And
he was taking photos! – You’re taking photos? Shit, Mark. Don’t betray me like that. (laughter) Um, Singapore is a great place, (laughter) I really enjoy my time here, the government’s the best. Yeah. You have all the human rights. (laughter) Sharon’s marriage is
gonna work out, totally. This is totally not a
Tinder date, this is normal. (laughs) Oh, I’m gonna get a knock on
my hotel room door tomorrow. (laughter) All right, that is my time
guys, thank you very much. Singapore, thanks for coming out! See you guys soon! Night! (audience cheers) (upbeat music)

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Comments

  1. In case it wasn't clear, the last guy I talked to works for the Singaporean government.
    Were you at this show? Where should I go next? Comment below! 👇

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