Marriage 101


THANKS FOR LETTIN’ ME
PRACTICE ON YOU STEVE. I REALLY WANNA ACE
THIS FIRST AID CLASS. NO PROBLEMO, EDDO. I HAVE A LOT OF PERSONAL
EXPERIENCE IN FIRST AID. I GOT A NOSE BLEED AT BIRTH. MY DOCTOR SLAPPED
THE WRONG END. I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. I’M GONNA GO
GET THE PLASTER. NO RUSH.
I’M A PATIENT PATIENT. HE-HE-HE!
[SNORTS] CARL! BIG GUY. MY BUDDY WITH THE BADGE. MY PAL ON PATROL. HOW WAS YOUR DAY
ON THE MEAN STREETS? COPS AND ROBBERS.
GOOD GUYS, BAD GUYS. HEROES AND HAIRBALLS. THE MAN WHO RISK HIS– ♪ IT’S A RARE CONDITION ♪ ♪ IN THIS DAY AND AGE ♪ ♪ TO READ ANY GOOD NEWS
ON THE NEWSPAPER PAGE ♪ ♪ AND LOVE AND TRADITION
OF THE GRAND DESIGN ♪ ♪ SOME PEOPLE SAY
IS EVEN HARDER TO FIND ♪ ♪ WELL, THEN, THERE MUST BE
SOME MAGIC CLUE ♪ ♪ INSIDE THESE GENTLE WALLS ♪ ♪ ‘CAUSE ALL I SEE
IS A TOWER OF DREAMS ♪ ♪ REAL LOVE BURSTIN’
OUT OF EVERY SEAM ♪ ♪ AS DAYS GO BY ♪ ♪ WE’RE GONNA FILL
OUR HOUSE WITH HAPPINESS ♪ ♪ THE MOON MAY CRY ♪ ♪ WE’RE GONNA SMOTHER
THE BLUES WITH TENDERNESS ♪ ♪ AS DAYS GO BY ♪ ♪ THERE’S ROOM FOR YOU,
ROOM FOR ME ♪ ♪ FOR GENTLE HEARTS
AN OPPORTUNITY ♪ ♪ AS DAYS GO BY ♪ ♪ IT’S THE BIGGER LOVE
OF THE FAMILY ♪ OHH. WELL? WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? MOM, YOU LOOK HOT. THANK YOU, HONEY. HARRIETTE, YOU’LL SWEEP CARL
RIGHT OFF HIS FEET. WELL, CARL AND I HAVEN’T HAD
A ROMANTIC DINNER DATE SINCE THE CARTER
ADMINISTRATION. HARRIETTE! HARRIETTE. FEAST YOUR EVER-LOVIN’
EYES ON THESE. TICKETS TOLE MIZ?BETTER. JANET JACKSON? M.C. HAMMER? NO. THE BLACK HAWKS
AND THE PENGUINS! HOCKEY? YEAH! AND LOOK WHERE
WE’RE SITTING– RIGHT BEHIND
THE GOALIE. GREAT. WE’LL DODGE PUCKS
ALL NIGHT. YEAH! UH… YOU’RE NOT WEARING
THAT, ARE YOU? NO, I’LL SLIP INTO
SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE… LIKE A HELMET
AND SHINGUARDS! GEE, THANKS, BABE. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. YOU’LL HAVE
A GREAT TIME, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY START
BEATING EACH OTHER UP! HUSTLE UP, BABE, OKAY? I’M MARRIED TO THE MOST
WONDERFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. [BELL RINGS] WAIT!
DON’T GIVE ME A TARDY! HI, LAURA! WAAA! I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMER– WE ONLY DO THAT
WHEN I HOLD THE FLAG! GOOD MORNING,
MISS STEUBEN. GOOD MORNING, STEVEN. MISS STEUBEN! NOW, TAKE YOUR SEAT. CAREFULLY. HI, LAURA. HI, STEVE. ALRIGHT, CLASS. TODAY WE’RE GOING TO– EXCUSE ME.
I NEED A MOMENT. I’M ALL SET, MISS STEUBEN. TEACH ME! THANK YOU. OH. ALRIGHT. COUNTRIES… CITIES… NEIGHBORHOODS. NOW… ALL OF THESE
ARE BUILT UPON SMALLER SOCIAL UNITS,
LIKE THE FAMILY. OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OHH! OHHH! YES, YES,
YES,
STEVEN. ACTUALLY, MISS STEUBEN, CURRENT GEOPOLITICAL CONSTRUCTS
ARE MUCH MORE COMPLEX THAN YOUR SIMPLISTIC
CONCENTRIC CIRCLE MODEL WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE. FENGLER’S POINT–MYPOINT IS THAT THE FAMILY
IS THE CENTER FOR ALL
SOCIAL INTERACTION. AHEM. AND THE FOUNDATION
FOR MOST FAMILIES IS MARRIAGE, SO… OH… FOR THE NEXT… TWO WEEKS, THE CLASS WILL BE
PAIRED OFF INTO
MARRIED COUPLES. YOU’LL ALL
HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE
ON A BUDGET. YOU WILL MAKE
DECISIONS ABOUT JOBS, HOMES, CHILDREN. AND EACH OF YOU
WILL GRADE YOUR PARTNER. DO WE GET TO PICK
WHO WE MARRY? WRITE DOWN YOUR
TOP THREE CHOICES. I’LL TRY AND PAIR
EVERYONE UP. THE NAMES OF
THE HAPPY COUPLES WILL BE POSTED
TOMORROW. HEH HEH HEH. HEH HEH HEH. HEE HEE HEE. HEE HEE HEE. WHOO HEE WHOO HEE. STEVEN, YOU CANNOT PUT
THE SAME NAME THREE TIMES. HI, EVERYBODY. HI. HI. HI, HONEY.
HOW’S YOUR HEAD? HOW DO YOU THINK? I GOT HIT
BY A HOCKEY PUCK. THAT WAS A GREAT STOP. YOU DESERVED
THAT STANDING OVATION. OH, CARL,
I CALLED CHEZ JOSEPHINE’S, AND WE’RE CONFIRMED
FOR 8:00 TONIGHT. OH. OH, BABE,
I’M SORRY. I MEANT TO CALL YOU. THERE’S BEEN A LITTLE
CHANGE IN PLANS. NOW WHAT? YOU REMEMBER JOE HITCHBORN,
TRAFFIC CONTROL? SHY GUY,
COULDN’T GET A DATE? YEAH? THEY SWITCHED HIM
TO HOOKER PATROL. HE’S GETTING MARRIED
THIS WEEKEND. OH, MY LORD. JUST PICTURE
THE BRIDESMAIDS. THE GUYS DECIDED
TO THROW HIM A BACHELOR PARTY. MIND IF I GO? IT’S UP TO YOU,
CARL. THANKS, BABE.
YOU ARE THE BEST. DON’T WAIT UP. HARRIETTE, HOW COULD YOU LET
CARL GET AWAY WITH THAT? WHAT WAS I
SUPPOSED TO DO, BEG HIM TO TAKE ME
TO DINNER? CARL IS MY SON, AND IN MY EYES,
HE CAN DO NO WRONG. BUT HE’S
YOUR HUSBAND. YOU SHOULD HAVE
KNOCKED HIM INTO THE MIDDLE
OF NEXT WEEK. LOOK, I’D LIKE CARL
TO BE MORE ROMANTIC, BUT I CAN’T FORCE IT
OUT OF HIM. YOU KNOW, HE USED
TO SEND ME FLOWERS FOR NO REASON AT ALL, AND HE’D LEAVE ME FUNNY LITTLE
NOTES AROUND THE HOUSE. HE’D EVEN CALL ME
FOUR TIMES A DAY JUST TO SAY
HE LOVED ME. HE DOESN’T DO
THOSE THINGS ANYMORE. WELL, HARRIETTE, DOESN’T
THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY? NO. IT MAKES ME SCARED. LOOK WHO YOU GOT. EDDIE, EDDIE! LAURA, I GOT HIM! FOR THE NEXT
TWO WEEKS, I AM MRS. MARK HEALY. YES! WHO DID I GET,
DEREK OR JEFF? I WAS SO EXCITED
I FORGOT TO LOOK. SPREAD OUT! SPREAD OUT!
SPREAD OUT! GIVE MY WIFE SOME AIR! MOMMY. YES,
SWEETIE? I’M GLAD
UNCLE CARL IS BACK. HE DIDN’T
GO ANYWHERE. YES, HE DID. AUNT HARRIETTE SAID THAT
HE WAS IN THE DOG HOUSE. LAURA, I CALLED RACHEL’S
PLACE TWO HOURS AGO. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? JUST WALKING. WELL, SIT DOWN.
YOU ALMOST MISSED DINNER. [HUMMING
HERE COMES THE BRIDE]
VERY FUNNY. WHAT’S THE MATTER? LOSE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR,
MRS. URKEL? EDDIE, IS THAT YOUR FACE,
OR DID YOUR NECK THROW UP? NOW CHILDREN,
NO FIGHTING AT THE TABLE. HI, HONEY.
I’M HOME! LAURA, MY LITTLE
NUPTIAL NYMPH, YOU’RE EAGER TO BEGIN
OUR LIFE TOGETHER, BUT I MUST HAVE A WORD
WITH YOUR FATHER. WHAT IS IT, STEVE? WELL, CARL,
CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT BEFORE I MARRY LAURA,
I’D LIKE YOUR BLESSING. WELL, STEVE,
I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT I WOULDN’T
STAND IN YOUR WAY IF YOU TWO ARE
REALLYREALLY IN LOVE.DAD! YOU WON’T
BE SORRY, SIR. WE URKELS
ARE A FINE FAMILY WITH A PROUD NAME. YOU KNOW THAT IN KENYA,
URKEL MEANS A BENIGN CYST ON THE FORELEG
OF A WILDEBEEST? ARE YOU READY FOR DESSERT,
MY CREPE SUZETTE? STEVE, I’M FULL. YOU COOKED
SEVEN MEALS FOR ME TODAY. IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN EIGHT, BUT I DIDN’T LIKE THE SMELL
OF THAT SUSHI. I FINISHED
THE HOUSEWORK. DEEP IN YOUR FRIDGE, I FOUND A FASCINATING
MOLD SPECIMEN THRIVING ON AN ANCIENT
CHEESE WHEEL. GO HOME. NOT YET. THIS IS OUR LAST NIGHT
OF WEDDED BLISS. YEAH. I’VE BEEN
BLOWING UP BALLOONS.[STRANGERS IN
THE NIGHT
PLAYS] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SETTING THE MOOD,
MY DARLING. FOR TWO WONDERFUL WEEKS, YOU AND I HAVE PRETENDED
TO BE MAN AND WIFE. NOW, ON THIS,
OUR LAST NIGHT, WE CAN MAKE EACH OTHER’S
DREAMS COME TRUE… WITH A KISS. STEVE, DID YOU EAT
THAT MOLDY CHEESE? DON’T HOLD BACK. LET YOURSELF GO. DO WHAT YOU FEEL. OOH! I FELT
THE EARTH MOVE. STEVE, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO GRADE
EACH OTHER ON THIS ASSIGNMENT, AND RIGHT NOW YOU’RE STARING
DOWN THE BARREL OF AN “F.” ONE KISS.
A PECK ON THE CHEEK. A MOMENTARY
OSCULATION. I HAVE A HEADACHE. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SAY THAT,
SO I CAME PREPARED. ASPIRIN, BABY. STEVE,
I WANT A DIVORCE. GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER. MY MANLY ARDOR
HAS FRIGHTENED YOU. THAT’S OKAY. IT
WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. I’M PREPARED TO WAIT
FOREVER IF NEED BE. I HOPE YOU’LL
ACCEPT THIS GIFT AS A MEMENTO OF OUR
TWO GLORIOUS WEEKS. STEVE, THIS IS
REALLY BEAUTIFUL. 1/3 KARAT DIAMOND WITH 1/10 THE SPARKLE
OF YOUR LOVELY EYES. THIS IS REAL? WHERE DID YOU
GET THE MONEY? FROM MY
STAY-AWAY FUND. EVERY YEAR, MY RELATIVES
SEND MONEY IN HOPE THAT I
WON’T VISIT THEM. STEVE,
I CAN’T ACCEPT THIS. IT’S TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT MY
LITTLE BAGUETTE, IT WAS A MERE $800. $800? ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND? THIS IS
A SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT. IT’S PRETEND.
WE’RE NOT MARRIED. WE’RE NOT
EVEN DATING, AND WE NEVER
WILL BE. BUT I THOUGHT
YOU’D LIKE– WHAT I’D LIKE IS FOR YOU
TO LEAVE ME ALONE. LAURA, I KNOW
I’M NOT WORTHY OF YOU, BUT I JUST CAN’T
HELP LOVING YOU. IT’S LIKE WANTING
TO TOUCH A STAR. YOU KNOW YOU’LL
NEVER REACH IT, BUT YOU’VE JUST
GOT TO KEEP TRYING. STEVE, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
SAY THINGS LIKE THAT? THESE LAST TWO WEEKS
HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL FOR ME. IT’S THE CLOSEST I’LL EVER GET
TO MARRYING YOU. THAT’S WHY I WANTED YOU
TO HAVE THIS. NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
JUST THE ONE TO MY HEART. BUSY, MOM? NO. JUST PRUNING
YOUR FATHER… FERN. SOMETHING
ON YOUR MIND? YEAH. STEVE. HE DID A GOOD JOB
ON MY OVEN. TELL HIM WE’RE
OUT OF EASY-OFF. I CAN’T. HE JUST WENT HOME. MOM, I THINK
I HURT STEVE’S FEELINGS. WHAT HAPPENED? HE’S SMOTHERING ME. HE SENT ME
A ROOMFUL OF ROSES. HE CALLS ME EVERY HOUR. HE WAITS ON ME
HAND AND FOOT. A PERSON CAN ONLY TAKE
SO MUCH DEVOTION. YOU DON’T KNOW
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. STEVE MAY NOT BE
YOUR DREAM MAN, BUT IT’S WONDERFUL WHEN SOMEBODY
LOVES YOU THAT MUCH. MOM, HE SENT ME
AN 8-FOOT GIRAFFE. IT’S NOT FUNNY. I’M SORRY, HONEY. BUT YOU GOT TO
ADMIT ONE THING– STEVE SURE NEVER
TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED. I WISH HE WOULD. I’M ALL URKELED OUT. WELL… STEVE IS A PEST. NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. BUT HE ADORES YOU, LAURA, AND HE SHOWS IT. BEING ROMANTIC IS A GOOD QUALITY
FOR A HUSBAND TO HAVE. MARK HEALY IS SELFISH,
CONCEITED, AND INCONSIDERATE. HE CHEATED ON MEWITH
AN OLDER WOMAN.
I CAUGHT HIM AT THE MOVIES
WITH A NINTH GRADER, SO I DIVORCED HIM. MARK, I GIVE YOU
AN F-MINUS. WELL… WE’VE LEARNED THAT
NOT EVERYONE IS COMPATIBLE. BUT I’M GLAD TO SEE
MAXINE AND MARK HAVE RESOLVED THEIR
DIFFERENCES MATURELY. JERK! DWEEB! ALRIGHT. LET’S MOVE ON
TO OUR LAST COUPLE. OH. STEVEN,
YOU MAY BEGIN. OBVIOUSLY, LAURA
WAS THE PERFECT WIFE, BRILLIANT MOTHER,
HELPMATE, AND MANAGER. I’LL ALWAYS BE PROUD SHE WAS THE FIRST
MRS. URKEL. SHE’S AN “A”
ALL THE WAY. THANK YOU. LAURA, YOUR GRADE
FOR STEVEN. WELL… STEVE IS INCREDIBLY
ANNOYING AND A PEST. WELL, YOU JUST WANT TO
SLAP HIM ALL THE TIME. BUT HE’S ALSO
HARD-WORKING AND CARING. HE REALLY TRIED
TO MAKE ME HAPPY. HE WAS A GOOD HUSBAND. I GAVE HIM AN “A+.” SNOOKUMS! YOU DO LOVE ME. WHAT HAVE I DONE? HI, HON. DO I KNOW YOU? OKAY. I DESERVE THAT. HARRIETTE, LAST NIGHT… WELL, I OVERHEARD
YOU TALKING TO LAURA. AND WHAT YOU SAID TO HER, IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I’VE BEEN ACTING
LIKE A JERK, AN IDIOT, A FOOL,
AN IGNORAMUS. STOP ME WHENEVER
YOU LIKE, HARRIETTE. OH, NO,
YOU’RE DOING FINE. HARRIETTE, YOU ARE
THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD TO ME, AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE. I THANK GOD EVERYDAY
THAT WE’RE TOGETHER. BUT NOW IT’S TIME I START
THANKING YOU. I WANT YOU TO PUT ON
THAT BEAUTIFUL NEW DRESS BECAUSE WE HAVE AN 8:00
RESERVATION AT CHEZ JOSEPHINE’S. AND, SWEETHEART,
WHEN YOU WALK IN THERE, I’D LIKE YOU TO WEAR THIS. OH, CARL. IT’S A LITTLE
“I LOVE YOU” PRESENT. OH, CARL. THANK YOU.
IT’S BEAUTIFUL. BUT, SWEETHEART, NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU. OOH. SPARKLE CITY! I KNOW I SHOULDN’T ASK,
BUT HOW MUCH? WELL, I GOT A GOOD DEAL. I BOUGHT IT OFF URKEL. HE TRIED TO BARGAIN, BUT THE KID
WAS OVERMATCHED. HE CAVED IN AT 1,000. OOH, CARL,
THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH. BUT HE THREW IN A LITTLE
SOMETHING EXTRA.[STRANGERS IN
THE NIGHT
PLAYS] WORTH EVERY PENNY.

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