Marriage Counseling Is A Waste Of Time – Part 2 | Paul Friedman

Hi, I’m Paul Friedman founder of The
Marriage Foundation. And hopefully, because this is part two, hopefully you
have already viewed part one just to sort of bring everything together what
I’m trying to do is share with you enough information so you don’t go into
marriage counseling with eyes closed. But really what I’m trying to do is convince
you to try my methods because I know they’ll work for you. So I went over some
of the troubling aspects of marriage counseling and if you didn’t review the
first video then one is that virtually, every marriage counselor has their own
system, their own unique system that is not based on similar teachings about
marriage. Pretty much, everyone comes up with their
own thing and these causes a randomness. It means that if you’ve been seeing one
counselor and you’re hoping to pick up where they left off, it can’t be done.
They’re not like dentists where you’re working on something and they know, and
they have all kinds of excuses and reasons. Why they can’t pick up where
someone else left off? Now, our system is very different. If you’re speaking
literally we have free counseling and if you write in you’d never know who you’re
speaking with. We don’t personalize it and you’ll ask a question, and you’ll
need a follow-up. It may go to a completely different counselor but they
will know exactly where you’re at, exactly in relationship to your marriage,
and exactly in relationship to our teachings which are all fully laid out.
You know exactly what’s going on but I want to talk more about what happens if
you go into marriage counseling because don’t forget, I was a divorce mediator
so I know all about mediation. And unfortunately, when you get into divorce
to marriage counseling what happens is you might as well be in divorce
mediation because they’ll ask one of you what’s going on, they’ll ask the other
what’s going on, and you’ll be taking sides. Isn’t that natural?
You’ll be taking sides so you’ll have one point of view. Your spouse will have
another point of view and hopefully, the counselor will help you see things
objectively of what’s really going on but usually you’re just going to hear it
subjectively because they’re human too. And this is a huge problem, all of the
people who I met with for mediation for divorce mediation had come through the
process of marriage counseling, and I helped them get a divorce, and I helped
them to a mediation. I did only a better job. I did what the marriage counselor
did. I got him talking, I got the couple talking. And then I realized, I shifted
things completely. I realized, well if I have you talking why can’t I have you
talking enough to get things out? Because in the beginning, I thought it’s just a
matter of straightening things out but it isn’t. It isn’t, and this is what they
don’t understand and I want you to understand it.
The reason your marriage is falling apart and it is if you’re at this point
now of doing all these searches don’t pretend it’s not. The reason it’s falling
apart is because you don’t know how to be married either you know
your spouse and there’s a lot to it. I used a metaphor the other day, I’m
going to share with you again. If you get on an airplane as a passenger and this
is where it all begins, if you get on an airplane as a passenger you sit down, you
pick up a magazine, you adjust your headphones, you make sure your blankets
there, you have water all these things, right? You’re a
passenger. You’re not worried about the plane, you’re not worried about the
engines, you’re not worried about takeoff but when the pilot gets on that same
plane all of these things matter. They’re all important. The pilot has a plan, the
copilot has a plan. They’re very aware of the airframe, they’re very aware of their
fuel, they’re very aware of where they’re gonna be flying and how they’re gonna
get there. Well, when you got married you got into your marriage as a passenger.
This is universally the problem. Tou got married and you thought, “Oh, we’re married.
How wonderful, how happy we will be?” Who’s flying the plane? You two are supposed to
be flying the plane but no one told you that. They may have hinted at it but then
they didn’t give you any instruction, they didn’t give you enough material so
you could be successful. It’s amazing you’ve gotten as far as you’ve gotten
and so, this is a huge problem. Isn’t it? Now, one of you may be so frustrated that
you’re ready to be done, done, done and the other of you is going, “I’m not going to
give up.” Well, here’s the good news. In the system that I created, one of you could
have given up completely. We still will resurrect this marriage because when the
pilot is flying the copilot could sleep and vice versa.
You know, it’s like a bridge you might say, a bridge between souls. Marriage is
another way of looking at it and whoever’s building that bridge if it’s
just one that bridge is still going to connect you so we get you trained so you
can do this and we help you. But if you go into marriage counseling,
you’re going to get into fights, arguments .are you We saw this all the time. So then I
finally wised up, I was already starting to get wise, I mean what I learned is so
vast — it’s ridiculous. You can literally learn what I learned
but why would you bother doing that that’s such a difficult way. I could give
you all of this information; it’s all set up now but you can’t do it. I’m not like
this technical marriage genius although I am now,
but you can’t be too and this is how we train you to be a marriage genius for
your own marriage. That’s how it should because it’s your marriage. So what good
is it to go in and talk about your problems? That’s a huge problem and
there’s a lot of subtle reasons, I’m just gonna point out one subtle reason. One
subtle reason is that you are going to create a reaction in your spouse, a
negative reaction because from where you are coming from there are a lot of the
problem, From where they’re coming from you are a lot of the problem so they
teach communication. A good therapist will teach communication and the latest
thing is “I” statement and you go something like, “Well, I feel like you’ve
been a total bitch.” Well, how’s that gonna work out?
I’m exaggerating but that’s how it usually comes out because you’re not
trained in that. Using “I” statements is such a high skill just to learn that
skill. I don’t teach people to do “I” statements. No, there’s a lot of problems with the
marriage counseling way and we’re gonna get into more and we’re gonna steer you
over to using my method. But again, I don’t want to make these videos too long
so stay tuned for part three. And please, don’t go away you’re gonna learn stuff
going through this. I want you to learn these things. I want you to be very aware
of what’s in front of you, what you can do, what you shouldn’t do, what to look
out for if you decide to go to marriage counseling anyway. Okay, I’m on your side

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