Marriage Secrets That Marriage Counselors Don’t Know | Paul Friedman

Hi, my name is Paul Friedman. I’m the
founder of The Marriage Foundation and there are three secrets of sex, souls and
marriage that most marriage therapist should know about. Now, I want to be clear
the reason why I call them secrets is just so it shows up when you’re
searching but the truth is that what I’m going to share with you are truths and
these are important truths and we don’t learn about these things when we go to
school. We don’t learn about these things from our parents and so there’s an over
50% divorce rate because of a lack of education — it’s really that simple. I was a divorce mediator before I started saving marriages and I received
all of my clients from marriage therapists. Good people but they don’t
understand marriage. In fact, their divorce rate is higher than the average.
Good people but they don’t know enough about marriage so the discoveries that
I’ve made are going to help you and you should peruse the website that we have. I
founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit and we’re here to help you.
Okay so the first is about sex and in today’s world, one of the first questions
that they ask you if you go to marriage counseling which I don’t recommend but
if you go to marriage counseling they’ll ask, “How is your sex life?” It’s an
indicator to them of how you’re generally doing in your relationship but
the truth is that sex by itself which is now called
recreational sex doesn’t do it. It’s not enough. I’ve had many clients who have
come to me when I was doing life sessions and they would tell me, “We’re
having sex every day. We’re having sex three times a week. We’re having sex
three times a day.” Literally, I had one couple three times a day they were
having sex and they weren’t just married and their marriage was falling apart. Why?
Why isn’t sex the bond that holds you together? Well, the most simple way to
answer that is that sex is an external. It is a mundane material behavior. Yeah.
Animals have sex, bears have sex once a year the females when they want to
become pregnant and then that’s it. They don’t even see the male anymore ever.
It’s just sex but human beings are very different. We
are souls, we’re not animals we’re souls so for us, the core of the
relationship is spiritual. It’s a very deep spiritual bond and what happens is
we need to strengthen that bond and enhance it and we use sex to do it. We
even call it making love even on James Bond movies. They call it making love but
they’re not. You’re not making love unless it’s the
love that is driving the sex rather than the sex driving the love. Now, don’t get
me wrong sometimes, oftentimes, if your marriage is
not doing so well you need to use that sex to help tap into your soul so you
can offer that to your partner which is love. So, what do you use this information
for? You use it to recognize that fancy sex making each other have orgasms
stimulating yourself which is merely masturbation or stimulating your partner
to have physical arousal is not what you should be doing. You should be using
the sex as a bridge for your heart that sex should be only between married
couples who understand that this bridge this very intimate bridge of sexuality
can be made into a very deep connection. Okay, so that’s about sex. If therapist
understood that they wouldn’t even ask how was your sex life. I never
did. We skipped all that stuff. We got right to the heart of the marriage, the
heart of the marriage. Souls — you’re a soul. Western psychology
says that the soul is an abstract thought. Now, there are Christian and
other religions where the individual has studied under Western psychological
teachers in order to get their ticket so that they can help people and they
understand that you’re souls but they mostly understand it in a different
context. They say, you have a soul — sure you have a soul and that’s not the truth.
The truth is you are a soul. You are a soul. So I like to put it in this context
you are a soul who has a mind and you have a body and you’re to use those as a
soul and I like to put it into this context that imagine the sun how large
it is. I can’t describe infinity but the soul is that sun in relation to that. The
mind is the size of a nail. The body is the size of a nail — they’re nothing.
You’re an infinite soul which is part of infinite God. Now, what’s the nature of
the soul. This is very important when you’re married because as a soul you are joy itself. God is limitless joy,
he has other attributes but God’s essence is described as infinite joy,
infinite love. Tap into that, be that. Don’t look for the soul outside of
yourself. Be loved itself, be the soul. Don’t be the mind. The mind is controlled
mostly by the body, by habits, by bodily instincts which means it’s all about
survival so you’re this vast soul and you’ve been trapped, you might say inside
this body mind complex which were supposed to be your servants and now
they control you and they control your marriage. You need to shift. You need to
ask yourself when you’re about to say something or do something. Am I being a
soul? Am I being totally loving? Because that’s
what a soul is, am I being totally compassionate, totally understanding?
Because that’s what you’re supposed to be in a marriage anyway. You literally
made vows to that effect so be the soul. Now, marriage.
What’s the secret about marriage? The truth about marriage is that it’s an
individual path that you do with someone else. It’s a very high spiritual path.
You’re learning how to love unconditionally. Now, we have clients who
come to us and take our courses, read our books and they say, “Oh no, I give
unconditional love.” No, you don’t. Unconditional love is a very high level to achieve. There is no anger when there’s unconditional
love. There’s no resentment there’s no fairness.
Unconditional love is unconditional love and the secret about marriage is that
it’s a very safe space, I call it the sacred space of marriage in which you
can learn to love unconditionally without getting beaten up like you would
in the world. You can’t go out in the world and act with unconditional love.
Look what happened to Jesus when he did that. The world is harsh, it’s treacherous,
it’s brutal. Your marriage is a sacred space just the two of you so you can
learn how to love unconditionally and that’s the secret you might say about
marriage is that you have this incredible arena that’s vast just the
two of you are in it. You could just pour love and love and love and don’t
pour in any toxins. So those are the truths, the secrets that will change your
life if you embrace these ideas and then you
use these ideas to go further and understand more about your marriage, how
it relates to your partner. That’s how I did it. When I started healing marriages
I had to start with basic principles and I had to find those principles and how
they applied because you got married to be happy. You didn’t get married to be
married although everyone does. You got married to be happy, to be happier and
marriage won’t make you happy. You are happiness itself and you make your
marriage happy and then you swim in the happiness of your marriage. It’s very
beautiful and only one of you needs to do it. You don’t need both of you to do
that because again, it’s an individual path. It’s an individual spiritual path.
I have seen this countless times. We’ve been doing this for over two decades
and over and over and over. We see a woman totally transform her marriage by
herself but she starts by transforming herself. Now man, it’s more difficult just
being candid, it’s more difficult. Women are more easily converted in a way
to do this, not convert it to a religion but shown how to be their heart
not just tap into their heart because they’re physiologically designed like
that because they’re the ones who have children. It’s amazing what you can do in
your marriage and how you can benefit. Okay. Blessings to you, blessings to your
spouse, blessings to your family. God bless you. I hope this was helpful. If it
was like it. If you have a comment, put it in the comment box. If you want to share
it, I’m flattered. Share it, it will help people and if you need particular
help with your marriage, write to one of our counselors. It’s a free service and
understand they will guide you in most cases to either one of the books that
I’ve written or to one of the courses whether you’re male or female and
they’re not paid a commission when you purchase a book or when you purchase a
course. They’re there to help you. It’s a nonprofit foundation that I
formed in 2009 and we’re here to serve. Alright. Thank you and God bless you!

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