Matt Braunger – Shovel Fighter – Lonely-Man Dinners


– I want to tell you
how much it means for you to come here tonight. You look lovely. Hope you don’t think
that’s too forward. Oh, allow me to cut your
Salisbury steak for you. Oh! Ow, why? Oh, God! Oh! Ow!
(wolf howls) ♪ No need to open a can ♪ Grab yourself a Lonelyman Why! – So, I am single
and I live alone. Many of you guessed correctly. (applause) Thank you. Hey, the lesbians clapped. That’s sweet. (laughter) That’s really awesome. But I’m cool with it because
I know too many people in relationships that
have gotten stupider because they’re with someone. Have you ever met that person? They get dumber together
because they don’t Google (beep) they just look to each
other, to the dumb one. And you’re, like, “So, what’d
they have at the party? “Pretzels, chips? “Well, pretzels are chips.” No, they’re not. (laughter) “Danny, pretzels
are chips, right? “Totally.” No, you’re both (beep) stupid. Shut up. (laughter) I had a guy say to me,
“So, you live alone, “What, do you cook
for yourself?” Yeah, it’s not the 50’s, dick. Yes, I cook for myself. You step out of an
episode of Mad Men? When someone talks
to you like that you don’t want to confront them. You’re not like, “Oh, shut up, “You’re an idiot,
you’re sexist.” What I just tried to
say, at least, was, “Well, I eat a lot of
Hungry Man dinners.” (laughter) I don’t, I just
wanted to say that, but I screwed up and made
a perfect Freudian slip, and instead I accidentally said, “Well, I eat a lot
of Lonelyman dinners. “Oh!” I eat a lot of
Lonelyman dinners, I do. (laughter) And, really, all T. V. dinners should be called
Lonelyman dinners. I want to see the ad for
Lonelyman brand dinners. A lumberjack in his cabin
looking out the window (laughter) at a future he’ll never have. A single tear running in
his rapidly graying beard. He’s like 32, it shouldn’t
be graying, right? (laughter) And the theme song kicks in. No need to open a can! Grab yourself a Lonelyman! (laughter) And then a faraway shot of the
cabin, and a single gunshot. Lonelyman. (laughter) (applause) Thank you. But they stay on the cabin
a long time after the shot. So you’re like, “(beep),
did he shoot himself “Or the fireplace? “What happened to
Lonelyman lumberjack?” He’s like the Brawny towel
guy, but he went to ‘Nam. He’s like that guy. (laughter) (applause)

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Comments

  1. this is really good material Matt has a brilliant artistic ability in his stand up it goes beyond standing on stage he's more than a comedian he's an artist who creates ideas" very, sat. nite live style here" he's at the top of my favs list

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