CELEBRATION is a thing that people did back
before 2016. You may choose to celebrate by RAISING YOUR HANDS. You wild thing.
Or maybe you’re just tossing confetti. Look, everyone’s having a great time. They
put the weapon down, and everything’s great. I don’t really dig the drawn characters, but
the hands with flying shapes are worse; they’re too close together to be arms raised above
a head, and the emphasis shapes just make it look like the thumbs are having a street
fight, an argument or a smooch. What’s the Microsoft guy celebrating anyway?
His rubbish haircut? Amazingly – do hear me out on this one – I’m
going for HTC. It IS incompatible with the Fitzpatrick colours, a weird shape, and the
hands are a lack of hands, but at least at a small size this actually looks like it means
“yay”. This is the level we’re at here, kids. Next, I shall have a BIRTHDAY CAKE!
Your preferred birthday cake emoji will vary greatly with your own age, all the way from
1 to 5. Except 2. At an Apple-y birthday, you can expect a cake
so plain and with such thick, sombre candles it looks more like a cake of mourning.
Microsoft’s is a cake you make for someone you want to have a happy birthday, but not
TOO happy. Samsung’s cake, going by the proportionate
size of those cherries, is tiny, and suitable for birthdays spent alone.
Here’s a 2D cake. Some of these candle placements are quite
renegade. It’s like rotational symmetry doesn’t matter.
Twitter’s looks like one of those biscuits with chocolate cream in, but with a bit extra
chocolate cream. At Emoji One, it’s a Dadaist’s birthday
emojidex are as subtle as ever. I say Messenger. You’re gonna need a BALLOON… There’s loads
to choose from. It’s like there’s neunundneunzig of these, with one blue ‘un among them.
If you look closely at these balloons then you’ve put more effort into it than me.
Apple. The CONFETTI BALL, in which confetti spawns
from a golden bra, and …is, is that actually a thing?
I think the confetti ball might exist more as an emoji than as a real actual thing, and
is pervading popular culture from an emoji source. This is known as emojenesis.
It’s meant to be bursting open, raining confetti chaos on all below, but none of these look
particularly charismatic. Google’s is Pac-man when he’s REALLY hungry. Twitter’s has snakes.
At emojidex there’s one huge confetto in the middle, that might be a receipt or something.
LG gets this; at least there’s some energy to theirs. The PARTY POPPER is an emoji of some magnitude,
a cone full of celebratory horror. Emojipedia describes it as a party hat, but I’m not sure
it’s safe to wear. It could go off at any moment.
Again, it’s only the LG one that really has a sense of explosion. All the others, it’s
more like they’re going the other way, sucking all party out of the atmosphere like some
kind of antimatter, comprised of anti-party-cles. The WOMAN DANCING is an emoji classic. She’s
been grooving through the years in various incarnations and a carnation-like dress. She
can’t stop, because she’s in the red shoes. Apple’s dance is called the Hailed A Taxi
But It Just Sped Up Right Past Me. Googirl has lightning arms, and the billowing
of her dress looks like a rising evil floor-ghost. Microsoft’s is leaning against a wall, trying
to flirt with someone who’s not yet noticed her weird weird weird double-knee.
Samsung show a glimpse of her youth. HTC show the Red Man and the Green Man’s maligned
third brother. Facebook’s dancer couldn’t decide which lipstick
colour to wear so just tier-smeared them all on her dress.
Let’s take a few dozen minutes to look into Messenger Dancer’s Escherian dress. She’s
holding a flap of the dress across her left (that’s HER left) leg, but if she let go of
it, it looks like she’d be flashing her entire left (that’s HER entire left) leg. The right
leg (that’s OUR left) would remain clothed, though. Legs do tend to meet at the top, according
to my research. Just follow the baseline of the fabric around and let your mind unravel.
What does the dress look like when she’s standing still? How does she get it on? (The dress).
Is the entire front of it one big flap, like a poncho? Still, she seems to be having a
great time, putting the ‘sass’ in ‘sashay’. And that’s HER right.
Tatsumakisenpukyaku! This is a rubbish dance.
I say go with the Google Dancer emoji like nobody is watching with the eyes emoji. The MAN DANCING came to the floor much later.
This emoji plays into the stereotype that men are terrible at dancing, and would sooner
just high-five a mosquito. Samsung tends to dress its children in ’90s
Christian educational cartoon garb. Facebook’s is almost a dab.
Twitter’s is dancing with a bad hip. Emojipedia’s was waiting for a high-five for
so long he fell asleep. All of us are dancing in the gutter, but some
of us are pointing at the stars. emojidex have drawn that guy from school who
thought he was your friend but he wasn’t, knocking on your door, seeing if you’re in,
you’re pretending not to be, aagh, he’s coming closerrrr!! Get away, Craig!
I’mma go Google. If you’re a sky terrorist, you might use FIREWORKS.
We don’t need fireworks any more – we’ve got screensavers. And yet, people still do
them, causing pollution, scaring dogs, and enjoying themselves all over the place. Here’s a dog being attacked by
carrots, a psychedelic flower, and a dandelion seed. This is clever use of exclamation marks. The night sky background
really detracts from a lot of these; keep emoji transparent, I say. And, given the few
that leaves us with, I guess Emoji One will have to do. There’s an OTHER FIREWORK, the handheld kind.
Being handheld, it can’t really manage the visual feats and raw power of the fullsize
version, but it’s convenient to fire up on the bus or toilet or whatever. In Japan, they
hold sparklers downwards because they understand gravity. Here we’ve got the universe’s first
selfie, an anxious thermometer, some science thing, a magic wand, and the light fixture
in your uncle’s apartment. HTC get the coveted status of being the emoji I put in big at
the end of this bit of the video. Now, the end bit of the whole video, where
I say something involving the phrase “If you liked this video”.