Noah Gardenswartz Stand-up


(APPLAUSE)
>>THANK YOU. WONDERFUL TO BE HERE. I GOT MARRIED TEN DAYS AGO. PAUSE PLAWS SO HAPPY TO BE DONE
WITH THE WEDDING MANNING PROCESS. IT IS INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL. PLANNING A WEDDING IS WHEN YOU
FIGURE OUT EXACTLY HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDSHIPS ARE WORTH A $60
PLATE OF SALMON. WE WERE GOING THROUGH THE LIST
AND MY WIFE WAS LIKE DAVE. COME ON, KNOWN HIM SINCE I WAS 7
YEARS OLD, IT’S $60, I LOVE DAVE, YEAH, HE’S MARRIED.>>I WAS LIKE– THAT IS $120. I DONE EVEN LIKE DAVE LIKE THAT. A SLIGHTLY OLDER GROOM THOUGH SO
THAT CHANGED THE DYNAMIC OF THE BACHELOR PARTY A LITTLE BIT. I’M 35, MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE
ALREADY MAR HEED WITH KIDS AN HAVE I BEEN GOING WITH THE SAME
GROUP OF GUYS SINCE WE WERE 25. IT IS INTERESTING TO SEE HOW THE
PENDULUM SWINES OVER THE YEARS. WHEN YOU GO TO A BACHELOR PARTY
WHEN ARE YOU 25, EVERYONE IS THERE FOR THE GROOM. WHEN YOU GO TO A PARTY FOR 35RBG
EVERYONE IS THERE FOR THEMSELVES BECAUSE IT THEIR WEEKEND AWAY
FROM THE WIFE AND KIDS SO THEY PROJECT THEIR NEEDS ON TO YOU
ALL WEEKEND. LIKE SO WE’RE GETTING COCAINE
AND STRIPPERS, RIGHT? I WAS LIKE HONESTLY, I DON’T
REALLY LIKE COCAINE OR STRIPPERS MUCH AND THEY’RE LIKE YEAH, BUT
WE’RE GETTING COCAINE AND STRIPPERS, RIGHT. LIKE FINE, TWIST MY ARM. WE ACTUALLY PARTIED SO HARD THAT
SATURDAY MORNING I WOKE UP AND ASKED MY FRIEND IF HE NEEDED
ADVIL AND HE SAID HE NEEDED JESUS. DO YOU KNOW HOW HUNGOVER YOU
HAVE TO BE TO MAKE SOMEONE NAMED DAN QUELL GOLDFARB ASK FOR JESUS
ON A SABBATH MORNING? (LAUGHTER)
I FEEL CONFIDENT IN OUR MARRIAGE THOUGH, WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN
THROUGH ADVERSITY AS A COUPLE BECAUSE FOR A WHILE WE WERE IN A
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP, WE SPERPTED WITH AN OPEN
RELATIONSHIP, THOSE ARE DIFFICULT TO NAVIGATE. ALL BUILT ON TRUST AND
COMMUNICATION. SO OF COURSE WE HAD TO GO OVER
EACH OTHER’S LIST LAKE I HAVE A LIST OF WOMEN I WOULD LIKE TO
SLEEP WITH IF I ONE DAY BECOME SUPERFAMOUS. AND MY WIFE HAS A LIST OF MEN
THAT SHE WILL SLEEP WITH IF I EVER SLEEP WITH NIBBLES. (LAUGHTER)
AND IT IS JUST MESSED UP MIESES LIST IS BASED ENTIRELY OUT OF
LUST. AND HERS IS BASED ENTIRELY OUT
OF SPITE. I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH RIHANNA
BECAUSE SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I DO THAT, MY WIFE WANTS
TO HAVE SEX WITH JOHN ELWAY BECAUSE HE WAS MY CHILDHOOD
HERO. SO LET’S–
(APPLAUSE) HURTFUL, HURTFUL BUT WELL
PLAYED. BUT WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE
TOGETHER WHERE WE LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY. WHICH AS WE ALL KNOW IS AN
ISLAND FULL OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON THE BRINK OF A MENTAL
BREAKDOWN AT ALL TIMES. A FEW WEEKS AGO I SAW A DUDE
ABSOLUTELY LOSE HIS MIND IN A SUBWAY AND TO BE CLEAR I’M
TALKING ABOUT THE SANDWICH SHOP, NOT THE UNDERGROUND TRAIN WHICH
MADE IT THAT MUCH MORE UNIQUE. HE ORDERED A FOOT LONG TURKEY
CLUB, GOING DOWN THE LINE SAY WHAT HE WANTED, SOME LETTUCE,
BLACK OLIVES, SOME PICKELS, SOME ONIONS, MORE ONIONS. MORE ONIONS. MORE ONIONS. AND ON THE FOURTH MORE ONIONS
THE KID BEHIND THE COUNTER TBOAS SIR, AT A CERTAIN POINT I NEED
TO CHARGE YOU FOR ALL THE EXTRA ONIONS. AND THE DUDE JUST GOES THN I
DON’T WANT IT, ONIONS ARE CHEAP, ARE YOU NOT GOING TO GIVE ME
UNLIMITED ONIONS THEN I JUST WANT IT, AND THE KID GOES
OKAY.IC APPROXIMATED UP HIS SANDWICH, WILL YOU IT IN THE
TRASH. AND THE DUDE LOST HIS MIND. BECAUSE WHAT HE WANTED WAS AN
APOLOGY OR AN ARGUMENTS. WHAT HE DIDN’T WANT WAS A VERY
SPECIFIC KIND OF INDIFFERENCE THAT COMES FROM A STONED
TEENAGER EARNING MINIMUM WAGE TO MAKE SAND WIMPS. — SANDWICHES. THIS GUY, HE STORMS OUT AND AS
HE GETS TO THE EXIT HE TURNS AROUND AND GOES YOU JUST LOST A
CUSTOMER AM I WAS LIKE BRO, THEIR SPOKESPERSON WAS JARED,
THEIR PR TEAM AIN’T SCARED OF THIS DEBACLE, THEY WENT THROUGH
WAY WORSE, THE KID IS 15, OH NO, WHO WILL TELL THE SHAREHOLDERS. HE DOESN’T CARE. SO THIS GUY BEFORE HE LEAVES YOU
KNOW WHAT, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOUR MARYNG. THE KID SAID THE MANAGE
CERTIFICATE NOT IN HE SAID WHEN WILL HE BE BACK, THE KID SAID 8
A.M. TOMORROW MORNING. AND THIS GUY ACTUALLY SAID THEN
I WILL BE BACK AT 8 A.M. TOMORROW MORNING TO TALK TO YOUR
MANAGER. THAT IS WHEN I FINALLY TOOK OUT
MY CELL PHONE AND SET MY ALARM FOR 7:PO IN THE MORNING. THERE IS A WAY I WANTED TO SEE
HOW THENDED. I AM INVESTED. I NEED CLOSURE. HOW IT ENDS ON THIS PARTICULAR
DAY THOUGH IS THE GUY FINALLY LEFT TRK WAS MY TURN TO ORDER. I STEP UP, THE KID BEHIND THE
COUNTER BREATHES A BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. HE SAID I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT
THAT, HOW CAN I HELP YOU. I SAID YES, I WOULD LIKE AN
ONION SANDWICH PLEASE. YOU GUYS ARE FANTASTIC. HUAI SO MUCH FOR COMING IN. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.>>James: THATS WHAT GREAT,
NOAH GARDEN SWARS, EVERYBODY,

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