Welcome to the White House Correspondents Dinner the night when Washington celebrates itself Somebody’s got to do it and Welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency It’s true I That was Michelle cheering Fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever Those Joe Biden’s shoulder massages. They’re like magic You should try one. Oh you have I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me Mr. President. Do you have a bucket list and I said well I have something that rhymes with bucket list Take executive action on immigration Bucket New climate regulations bucket the right thing to do And my new attitude is paying off Look at my Cuba policy. The Castro brothers are here tonight Welcome to America amigos que pasa What is the Castros from Texas Oh Iowa cream hi, who Leone? Anyway Being president is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system issue veto threats negotiate with Iran All while finding time to pray five times a day And it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me I Look so old John Boehner has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral Meanwhile michelle has an age today. I Asked her what her secret is she just says fresh fruits and vegetables. It’s aggravating Fact is though at this point. My legacy is finally beginning to take shape The economy is getting better 9 in 10 Americans now have health coverage Today thanks to Obamacare you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You’re welcome Senate Democrats Not look it is true. I have not managed to make everybody happy Six years into my presidency some people still say I’m arrogant and aloof condescending Some people are so dumb No wonder I don’t meet with them And that’s not all people say about me a Few weeks ago Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst president of his lifetime Which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime It’s quite a coincidence Hey, everybody’s got something to say these days Mike Huckabee recently said people shouldn’t join our military until a true conservative is elected president Think about that. It was so outrageous 47 ayatollahs wrote us a letter Trying to explain to huckabee how our system works It gets worse Just this week michele bachmann actually Actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days Now that’s a legacy That’s big I’m in Lincoln Washington. They didn’t do that Right, you know, I just have to put this stuff aside I’ve got to stay focused on my job Because for many Americans this is still a time of deep uncertainty For example, I have a I have one friend just a few weeks ago She was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa Meanwhile Back here in our nation’s capital. We’re always dealing with new challenges I’m happy to report that the Secret Service thanks to some excellent reporting by White House Correspondents. They’re really Focusing on some of the issues that have come up and they finally figured out a foolproof way to keep people off my lawn It works As not just fence jumpers Some of you know a few months ago a drone crash landed Out back that was pretty serious, but don’t worry. We’ve installed a new state-of-the-art security system You know what Let me set the record straight, you know, I teased Joe sometimes but he has been at my side for seven years I love that man He’s not just a great vice president he is a great friend We’ve gotten so close in some places in Indiana. They won’t serve us pizza anymore. I Want to thank our host for the evening the Chicago girl be incredibly talented Cicely strong On Saturday Night Live Cicely impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin Which is surprising because usually the only people impersonating journalists on CNN are journalists on CNN ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy blackish It’s a great show, but I have to give ABC fair warning being blackish only makes you popular for so long trust me There’s a shelf-life to that thing As always The reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year here on the East Coast one big story was the brutal winter The polar vortex caused so many record lows. They renamed it MSNBC but Of course Let’s face it there’s one issue on every reporter’s minds and that is 2016 Already, we’ve seen some missteps It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic back in 2009 What you know what look I understand. It’s an innocent mistake reminds me of when I identified myself as American back in 1961 Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change mafic made him like Galileo Now that’s not really an apt comparison Galileo believed the earth revolves around the Sun Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz And this isn’t a sight I want to point out when a guy who has his face on a hope poster calls you self-centered you Know you’ve got a problem The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or a loved one to which gays and lesbians across The country responded that’s not going to be a problem Don’t sweat that one And Donald Trump is here Still Anyway It’s amazing out time flies Soon the first presidential contest will take place and I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick It’s exciting Marco Rubio Rand Paul Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush Scott Walker Who will finally get that red rose? The winner gets a billion dollar war chest the runner-up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor I Mean seriously a billion dollars from just two guys Is it just me or does that feel a little excessive? It’s almost insulting to the candidates The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people It’s got to hurt their feelings a little bit And look I know I’ve raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness my middle name is Hussein What’s their excuse? The trail hasn’t been easy for my fellow Democrats either as we all know Hillary’s private emails got her in trouble Frankly, I thought it was going to be a private Instagram account that was going to cause her bigger problems Not to be outdone martin o’malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event And Bernie Sanders might run. I Like burning birdies interesting guy. Apparently, some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House We could get a third Obama term after all Could happen Anyway as always I want to close out a more serious note and I often joke about tensions between me and the press but Honestly what they say doesn’t bother me, I understand we’ve got an adversarial system. I’m a mellow sort of guy And that’s why I invited Luther my anger translator to join me here tonight Hold on to your lily-white butts In our fast-changing world traditions like the White House Correspondents Dinner are important Because despite our differences we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day Then we can count on Fox News to terrify all white people with some nonsense Syrena lies coming to claim it rocket attack That was ridiculous We won’t always see eye to eye. Oh and see you there. Thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage, but two whole weeks. We were one step away from the walking dead Just move on to the next day that was awesome. Oh and by the way just if you’ve noticed you don’t have Ebola But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do No, they wouldn’t have that big old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico and then I plugged it Remember that which Obama’s Katrina was that one? Well, it was at 19. What was it 20 because I came out I remember Protecting our democracy is more important than ever for example the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz six million dollars was just exercising free speech Yeah, it’s the kind of speech like this. I just wasted six million dollars And it’s not just Republicans Hillary will have to rage use sums of money to See you’ll get off all the money Khaleesi is coming to Westeros What’s up Oh The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy. That’s why we Know we’re not we’re not But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges like climate change Notice, California is bone dry It looked like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there Y’all think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd He needed a glass of water The science is clear Besides it’s clear nine Out of the ten hottest years ever came in the last decade now. I’m not a scientist, but I do know how to counter to rising seas more violent storms got mosquitoes Sweaty people on the trees stinking it up is just nasty I mean look at us what who look at what’s happening right now? Every serious scientist says we need to act the Pentagon says it’s a national security risk Miami floods on a sunny day and Instead of doing anything about it. We’ve got elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate. Okay, okay I think I got it right it is crazy What about our kids? What kind of stupid short-sighted irresponsible? What Oh Oh all due respect sir, you don’t need an anger translator You need counsel I’m out here man. I try to get into all this Go Luther my anger translator is gentlemen Now that I got that off my chest You know investigative journalism Explanatory journalism journalism that exposes corruption and injustice and gives voice to the different and the marginalized the voiceless That’s power It’s a privilege It’s as important to America’s trajectory to our values our ideals than anything that we could do in elected office We remember journalists we lost over the past year journalists like steven sotloff and james foley Murdered for nothing more than trying to shine a light into some of the world’s darkest corners We remember the journalists unjustly imprisoned around the world including our own jason raize an For nine months Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran for nothing more than writing about the hopes and the fears of the Iranian people Carrying their stories to the readers of the Washington Post in an effort to bridge our common humanity As was already mentioned Jason’s brother Ali is here tonight And I have told him personally we will not rest until we bring him home to his family safe and sound These journalists and so many others view their work as more than just a profession But as a public good an indispensable pillar of our society, so I want to give a toast to them I’ll raise a glass to them and all of you With the words of the American foreign correspondent Dorothy Thompson It is not the fact of liberty But the way in which Liberty is exercised that ultimately determines whether Liberty itself survives On our last celebration here On our last celebration here we celebrated the festival of lights in Mumbai We danced with some children Unfortunately, we were not able to schedule any dancing this visit Seniorita what everybody they show me, you know what I mean?