Put Your Marriage In Its Proper Place

Hi there. When having marriage problems most people think, “If only I try harder, things will get better.” Christian people helpers who mean well often advise, “Focus – make your marriage or your man your number one priority. Try harder. Be more respectful, more loving, more gentle, more patient, more forgiving, more sexually available, more positive, more affirming. And for some wives, in some marriages, that can often yield positive results. When you try harder, it begets a reciprocal response in your spouse and he begins to try harder too. However, if you’re a woman in a destructive marriage and have already been trying harder and harder and find yourself worn out and becoming resentful, I have a different direction for you to head. I want you to consider that, perhaps, your marriage has become too important and having the kind of marriage you long for has become your highest priority. The biggest red flag that lets you know that you’ve made a marriage an idol is when you fall into deep despair or panic
when your husband fails to love you well. For example, what happens to you and in you when your husband disappoints you over and over and over again? When he doesn’t treat you like you want
him to? When he won’t stay present and work things out during a conflict? Or, even when he lies or cheats on you or mistreats you? When he doesn’t honor you as someone important to him? Of course you feel disappointed. Of course you feel hurt and angry. Any wife would. But if you find yourself becoming increasingly despairing, fearful, controlling, or resentful, it’s time to pay attention. Those negative emotions inside of you are a good indicator that your desire for a good marriage has become too important. Because it’s ruling your life, not to mention controlling your emotions. You see, whenever you’re dependent on something or someone other than God to fill you or define you, it will always hurt you. But Christian women have been groomed to put their marriage and their man first. Being a good wife and having a good marriage can become our highest goal, our deepest desire. (Genesis 3:16) But that is not God’s best for you. God wants your first love to be him. And he wants your primary purpose to know and glorify him. Jesus commands us to love God first, with everything we have, not only because God deserves our love and is worthy of it, but because he knows how crucial it is to
our long term well-being. God knows that whatever we love the most will rule our lives. And that’s why the Bible counsels us to let the love of Christ control us (2 Corinthians 5:14), not the love of other things. So, desiring a good marriage is not sinful or wrong. The problem comes when you place having a good marriage above all else, including God. So begin today to make a shift. Begin to center yourself in God’s love and
not your husband’s lack of love. And when you do this you will no longer become debilitated when he fails to love you well. Now, don’t misunderstand me. You’ll hurt, but when you’re centered and controlled by something other than your marriage or your man you can stand strong. How? By filling up on God’s love, not your spouses’ love. By allowing God to give you the strength and courage to forgive your spouse for his (or her) sinful failings as well as knowing how to set appropriate boundaries and consequences when he continues to be unrepentant and even destructive to the marriage and to you. With God as your first love, you can love
and be compassionate without being foolish and enabling because God shows you how to love in a way that’s in the best interest of your husband. And in loving your husband well, you trust God with the outcome of your marriage. Let me ask you a question. If you do your part and you love your husband
well – and you might do this by speaking the truth in love to him as well as implementing consequences for his destructive behaviors and your marriage doesn’t make it, can you trust God to be enough for you? You see, you must settle this question deep in your heart because, until you do, you will be too afraid to make the changes that you need to make. As you start to do things differently the
destructive marital boat you’re on will start to rock and there are no guarantees that it will right itself. But I do know one thing for sure. Sometimes, when your marriage has been in a downward spiral of dangerous sin and destruction and everything you’ve tried up to now has not
resulted in any lasting, positive change it’s time to change your strategy. There are times that you must risk unraveling the life you have in order to create the life that God wants for you. Take care and God bless.

About the author


  1. "There are times you must risk unraveling the life you have in order to create the life God wants for you."

    So good. Love these nuggets! Thank you 💛

  2. Thank you. I have made my marriage an idol. Believing that I hadn't done enough to make it right. I must trust God above all else even if that means I lose the marriage I've put my trust in. I must trust God with the outcome above all else. This is true faith.

  3. I have made my marriage an idol but today I tear down smashing destroy the altar that I built in exchange for Jesus

  4. Love your work! I can attest that especially for a self-righteous person, facing the fact that attempting to ‘carry the weight of the world’ &/or be good enough to be loved in marriage is in fact idolatry can be the exact thing needed to find the desire to stop. I will never be good enough to not be in absolute desperate need of God’s grace & yet Hosea 2:19 says He is delighted to commit Himself faithfully & steadfastly to lavish me in grace . Praise God that He is our spiritual husband (Hosea 2:16)!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *